choosing a longterm partner
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It all depends on what you are looking for. If the only thing you want is sex and intimacy from the same person, that's a very different goal from being married and having a family. Infatuation never lasts, and is the worst possible thing to base a long term relationship on. The most important thing is to identify the key componants of what you want, and then find ways to limit your search to those wanting the same things. Casual dating doesn't do this very well, as you tend to waste a lot of time before you realize, "why did I go out with them in the first place." It's a lot more effective to network, to have a lot of family, friends, religious community, etc, who know what you are looking for and only set you up to meet people who meet the check list. Sure, you'll "go out" less, but the quality of your dates will be so much superior. The first item on the checklist always needs to be:
1. mentally and emotionally capable of a long term relationship
After that, everyone's list is different.
Good luck.
BTW, here is my own list, so if you know of any such man, direct him my way.
1. mentally and emotionally capable of long term relationship
2. wants marriage
3. wants a Jewish home
4. a provider (meaning financially self sufficient, ready to take on added responsibilities)
5. a protector (look, if i can beat him up, something is wrong lol)
6. kind
7. okay with me having cats
1. mentally and emotionally capable of a long term relationship
After that, everyone's list is different.
Good luck.
BTW, here is my own list, so if you know of any such man, direct him my way.
1. mentally and emotionally capable of long term relationship
2. wants marriage
3. wants a Jewish home
4. a provider (meaning financially self sufficient, ready to take on added responsibilities)
5. a protector (look, if i can beat him up, something is wrong lol)
6. kind
7. okay with me having cats
I've really enjoyed this thread. I agree about the "being together and not getting sick of each other thing." Long term can be a tricky thing, only because individual needs and desires seem to change so much. So I guess I would look for someone who will go through all of these changes with me, by my side.
I think that lifestyle is HUGE. I also believe that Helen Fisher's right in her observation that successful couples tend to be from a similar socioeconomic background, have similar levels of intelligence and similar levels of attractiveness.
In a sense I think that long term relationships are all about timing as well. And timing can seem really hard to get right.
I think that lifestyle is HUGE. I also believe that Helen Fisher's right in her observation that successful couples tend to be from a similar socioeconomic background, have similar levels of intelligence and similar levels of attractiveness.
In a sense I think that long term relationships are all about timing as well. And timing can seem really hard to get right.
Timing has been a big lesson for me to learn. Two people can seem perfect for each other, but if the timing is off in the mindset, self-awareness, or maturity level of either, it's just not going to come together smoothly. I think life is hard enough, without adding unnecessary hardships. If being with a particular someone is adding excess stress, negativity, pain, etc. to your existence then why would you choose to continue the struggle? If you have found someone who is willing, and able to be there for you, they will prove it in numerous ways, and they will put in as much work, and effort to communicate, and compromise as you... even more so, if you're lucky. Don't sell yourself short. You can find what you need, and meet someone else's needs, as well.
Great advice *makes note to self to take [MENTION=4015]purplecrayons[/MENTION] awesome advice*
"I think what determines long-term success in a partnership is complementary cognitive make-up and a similar outlook on life. A similar outlook includes similar goals, similar ambitions, similar experiences, similar viewpoints on all the big issues--finance, politics, ethics, etc. Complementary cognitive make up, on the other hand, means that both partners are of a more or less equal level of intelligence and possess personality traits that support and complement rather than frustrate one another. That's where mutual respect is key. As is a stable emotional core. A relationship won't work if one partner's psychological hang ups frustrate or interfere with the other's well-being." -TDHT
I have to say, I have not been able to progress into long term relationships with those whose cognitive make-up is supposedly complimentary to mine. What I CAN do is learn more about the cognitive make-up of whomever I am into, while keeping open communication with them as problems, and frustrations arise, so as to have better understanding, and compassion. However, "mutual respect is key." Bravo. It's never going to get off the ground, with me, otherwise. I'm just not going to care enough, anymore, to compromise with someone who doesn't respect me as a person.
I really don't want someone whose mind functions exactly like mine, but I have found that I need someone of equal or greater intelligence level to push, and fascinate me long term. I, personally, can ignore differences in political standpoints, and religious views, even at complete opposite ends of the spectrum, just because I think these things are so personal, and people have to come to their own beliefs in their own way, and their own time. Authenticity is so important to me, and I respect, and expect differences. If I deem a person has well developed ethics, and basically strives to live by the Golden rule, then we are bound to get along swimmingly.
A "stable emotional core" is definitely hard to come by, and I don't claim to have one myself. For me, as long as they are working on them self, that's really all I can ask. If it is clear that they mean me no harm, and are not totally self-absorbed, and apathetic, I can deal.
I have to say, I have not been able to progress into long term relationships with those whose cognitive make-up is supposedly complimentary to mine. What I CAN do is learn more about the cognitive make-up of whomever I am into, while keeping open communication with them as problems, and frustrations arise, so as to have better understanding, and compassion. However, "mutual respect is key." Bravo. It's never going to get off the ground, with me, otherwise. I'm just not going to care enough, anymore, to compromise with someone who doesn't respect me as a person.
I really don't want someone whose mind functions exactly like mine, but I have found that I need someone of equal or greater intelligence level to push, and fascinate me long term. I, personally, can ignore differences in political standpoints, and religious views, even at complete opposite ends of the spectrum, just because I think these things are so personal, and people have to come to their own beliefs in their own way, and their own time. Authenticity is so important to me, and I respect, and expect differences. If I deem a person has well developed ethics, and basically strives to live by the Golden rule, then we are bound to get along swimmingly.
A "stable emotional core" is definitely hard to come by, and I don't claim to have one myself. For me, as long as they are working on them self, that's really all I can ask. If it is clear that they mean me no harm, and are not totally self-absorbed, and apathetic, I can deal.