choosing a longterm partner

[invisible]

how do you choose a longterm intimate relationship partner?

maybe it's a feeling you get about the person or when you're around the person that makes you decide to stick around with them on a longterm basis? maybe you decide based on a more pragmatic equation - someone you can get along and cooperate with even if you're not crazy about them? probably some combination of both, but if so, would you favour one method more than another?

which way of deciding on someone have you had the most success with?

(or... perhaps some completely different other way of choosing someone?)

 

[InvisibleJim]

Past behaviour is indicative of future performance. Of course you need to establish past behaviour first.

 

[invisible]

(...how have you, in the past... how did it work out... how might you, in future...)

 

[Kgal]

how do you choose a longterm intimate relationship partner?

maybe it's a feeling you get about the person or when you're around the person that makes you decide to stick around with them on a longterm basis? maybe you decide based on a more pragmatic equation - someone you can get along and cooperate with even if you're not crazy about them? probably some combination of both, but if so, would you favour one method more than another?

which way of deciding on someone have you had the most success with?

(or... perhaps some completely different other way of choosing someone?)

With both of my Great loves - Love chose ME. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the feeling - it wouldn't go away.

I did not marry the first one, though. I married someone else and it was a mistake from the beginning. You may have heard me say this before - but I hesitated to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. My intuition told me it wasn't going to work. I ignored it. Sigh.... If I have any great regrets its that I married my first husband. Years later a psychiatrist I was seeing told me I married him because I knew he would never leave me. I am sincerely sorry I hurt him due to my own deeply ingrained fears.

I sat on the porch late into the night with my stepson Saturday talking about the vagaries of Love. I'll usually buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke and drink with him so he can pour out those aspects of himself he has no other to share with. This talk was precipitated due to his girlfriend here finding out about the new girlfriend over there in another state. He's only been with this new Girl 2 weekends and now Love has snared him. He was feeling bewildered and deeply ashamed of hurting the girlfriend here. Apparently he was seeing her less and less as he tried to work out his feelings about new Girl in the other state, when the girlfriend here saw a note. I assured him there is no way he can avoid hurting people when it comes to Love. He has a big heart. Girls are naturally going to love him.
This is his first time, though, to actually FALL in Love, and at first sight no less. He laughed at himself saying, "I thought Love at First Sight was bullshit! I used to tell other people that all the time and NOW look at me! Hahahahahahaha..."

It was such a pleasure for me to sit out there under the stars and help him sort through his pain and anguish and joy - all because Love had walked in through his door.
And you see he had to travel 1600 miles to meet his Love.
The same thing happened with me and his Dad. I moved over 1200 miles away when I met him and Love hit me like a hammer between the eyes.
My stepson kept asking me how did I know. Why does this happen. What can I do to avoid pain and hurt. And so on.
He told me he is worried he will never find Happiness....

I told him: You HAVE to go where your heart leads you and totally accept what happens. All of the joy. All of the pain. No hiding your head in the sand.

He's trying to help his girlfriend in any way that makes sense for her right now. She asked him if it would be all right if she contacted me to talk. He absolutely encouraged her to do this. When he worried about being a scumbag over his girlfriend here, I told him: Well - you could have just gotten mad at her and rejected her pain - couldn't you? Lot's of guys do that. They don't want to have to deal with the girl's pain and their shame - so they make a big fight and stink - so to avoid actually feeling the emotions. He slowly began to realize he is not scum after all and I could see the shame evaporating from his heart as we talked long into the night. .....it's times like these I realize my life is exquisitely beautiful....

I told my stepson he really has no control over Love whatsoever. After thinking about it - he agreed.

I hope this helps you in some way invisible.

 

[Feelings]

With both of my Great loves - Love chose ME. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the feeling - it wouldn't go away.

Kgal wins. Yet again. If I'm 'in love' with someone, it's pretty damn obvious to me. Sooo I guess trying to figure out whether or not a person's right for me is not a problem that I personally have.

I did not marry the first one, though. I married someone else and it was a mistake from the beginning. You may have heard me say this before - but I hesitated to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. My intuition told me it wasn't going to work. I ignored it. Sigh.... If I have any great regrets its that I married my first husband. Years later a psychiatrist I was seeing told me I married him because I knew he would never leave me. I am sincerely sorry I hurt him due to my own deeply ingrained fears.

You sure are good with identifying feeling causes for actions. I think you would be quite useful to me.

I sat on the porch late into the night with my stepson Saturday talking about the vagaries of Love. I'll usually buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke and drink with him so he can pour out those aspects of himself he has no other to share with. This talk was precipitated due to his girlfriend here finding out about the new girlfriend over there in another state. He's only been with this new Girl 2 weekends and now Love has snared him. He was feeling bewildered and deeply ashamed of hurting the girlfriend here. Apparently he was seeing her less and less as he tried to work out his feelings about new Girl in the other state, when the girlfriend here saw a note. I assured him there is no way he can avoid hurting people when it comes to Love. He has a big heart. Girls are naturally going to love him.

I assure you it's not just that.

It was such a pleasure for me to sit out there under the stars and help him sort through his pain and anguish and joy - all because Love had walked in through his door.
And you see he had to travel 1600 miles to meet his Love.

Oic. Went the Internet route did he? The travel and distance is such a bother.

The same thing happened with me and his Dad. I moved over 1200 miles away when I met him and Love hit me like a hammer between the eyes.

You strummin' mah pain with your fingers, guurrl.

He's trying to help his girlfriend in any way that makes sense for her right now. She asked him if it would be all right if she contacted me to talk. He absolutely encouraged her to do this. When he worried about being a scumbag over his girlfriend here, I told him: Well - you could have just gotten mad at her and rejected her pain - couldn't you? Lot's of guys do that. They don't want to have to deal with the girl's pain and their shame - so they make a big fight and stink - so to avoid actually feeling the emotions.

This Kgal is some mad genius.

He slowly began to realize he is not scum after all and I could see the shame evaporating from his heart as we talked long into the night. .....it's times like these I realize my life is exquisitely beautiful....

Yes.

 

[Relm]

I think you may be looking at this slightly backwards... I would contend that it is far more about growing a long-term inmate relationship than choosing one per-see. Sure there is choice, but the choices start out small: Do I choose to go out on a first date with this person? Do I choose to see this person for a second date? Do I choose to be "officially" dating them? etc, etc, etc.

Each choice I and my SO (now husband) made...naturally lead to more time together, which yielded more growth in our bond and relationship, which naturally lead up to the next choice or step than would allow us to travel further. Right up to choosing to live together, choosing to get engaged, and choosing to marry. =)

 

[This]

Now this guy seems to have the right idea ;p

[video=youtube;WMJFpyyDrvg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMJFpyyDrvg[/video]

 

[sassafras]

I think what determines long-term success in a partnership is complementary cognitive make-up and a similar outlook on life. A similar outlook includes similar goals, similar ambitions, similar experiences, similar viewpoints on all the big issues--finance, politics, ethics, etc. Complementary cognitive make up, on the other hand, means that both partners are of a more or less equal level of intelligence and possess personality traits that support and complement rather than frustrate one another. That's where mutual respect is key. As is a stable emotional core. A relationship won't work if one partner's psychological hang ups frustrate or interfere with the other's well-being.

As for me, I'm pretty cautious when it comes to my relationships. I'm not the type of person to get love-drunk. With that being said and rationalized, however, chemistry between two people is important... and that's something that you can't quite put a pin in. I'm extremely attracted to intelligence and quick wit, but sometimes, what looks good on paper is not quite right in practise. I find that most of my LTR's have been with men who shared my sense of humor and I'm tempted to isolate that as the root-cause of this 'chemistry.' Humor is another one of those odd things that can't be boiled down to a science, but I find that it is a rather holistic and almost intuitive expression of all those above-named qualities. You can talk about it... or you can laugh about it. Which rocks more?

Answer: both.

 

[Norton]

I had no choice. It just happened. I fell in love and that was it. My INFJ and I have been together for more than 35 years, now. We're still crazy about each other. We often say to each other how lucky we are. I hope for the same for our kids and other people.

 

[Gaze]

how do you choose a longterm intimate relationship partner?

Be able to be around them for long periods of time without feeling stressed. Have huge chemistry which complements rather than complicates the personal relationship. Having someone care more and deeply about you than you can imagine.

The ability to be friends, partners, lovers, confidantes, etc.

 

[Norton]

Once the initial surge of lust and euphoria is over (what a relief!), if there is a future to your relationship, you will feel that being together is the ultimate comfort. Being together is a lower energy state than being alone. While each partner retains a strong sense of individuality, there is also a new sense of being part of a unit. Even if you're both introverts (as in our case), being together in comfortable silence provides a feeling of warmth and contentment. When you truly love a person, you get as much pleasure from his or her successes as if they were your own (which they are, in a way). If you really hate being apart, even for a day, that's a strong sign that something good is happening.

 

[Billy]

Past behaviour is indicative of future performance. Of course you need to establish past behaviour first.

This is nto always the case. I dont want to sound like a hippy and pretend that people change, but people DO mature.

 

[grt$5vb]

I think what determines long-term success in a partnership is complementary cognitive make-up and a similar outlook on life. A similar outlook includes similar goals, similar ambitions, similar experiences, similar viewpoints on all the big issues--finance, politics, ethics, etc. Complementary cognitive make up, on the other hand, means that both partners are of a more or less equal level of intelligence and possess personality traits that support and complement rather than frustrate one another. That's where mutual respect is key. As is a stable emotional core. A relationship won't work if one partner's psychological hang ups frustrate or interfere with the other's well-being.

As for me, I'm pretty cautious when it comes to my relationships. I'm not the type of person to get love-drunk. With that being said and rationalized, however, chemistry between two people is important... and that's something that you can't quite put a pin in. I'm extremely attracted to intelligence and quick wit, but sometimes, what looks good on paper is not quite right in practise. I find that most of my LTR's have been with men who shared my sense of humor and I'm tempted to isolate that as the root-cause of this 'chemistry.' Humor is another one of those odd things that can't be boiled down to a science, but I find that it is a rather holistic and almost intuitive expression of all those above-named qualities. You can talk about it... or you can laugh about it. Which rocks more?

Answer: both.

HUMOR. Every damn time.

 

[Kgal]

This is nto always the case. I dont want to sound like a hippy and pretend that people change, but people DO mature.

lol. What does being a hippy have to do with thinking people change?

Actually, since I live on the same property with my ex, and have continued to treat him with dignity and respect, I am seeing him soften. For the first time he is not wearing his Anger like a complete suit of armor. I am seeing his views on being human change. He is beginning to have real compassion for himself.

 

[Billy]

lol. What does being a hippy have to do with thinking people change?

Actually, since I live on the same property with my ex, and have continued to treat him with dignity and respect, I am seeing him soften. For the first time he is not wearing his Anger like a complete suit of armor. I am seeing his views on being human change. He is beginning to have real compassion for himself.

It just sounded pithy, by hippy I meant those new age types who seem to think people are capable of changing into something or someone else, I dont believe this to be the case, people dont go from A to Z, they take each step along the way maturing and redefining but never leaving behind those old feelings, the old is as much a part of one person as the new, but what our actions dictate is where the change lies.

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

This is nto always the case. I dont want to sound like a hippy and pretend that people change, but people DO mature.

"Is indicative of", not "is the same as".

I interpreted his reply as saying that you choose a long-term partner based on having already established a good connection with them. Past behaviour -of the relationship- is indicative of future performance of the relationship, so before you commit it's a good idea to establish beforehand that the relationship works.

 

[grt$5vb]

how do you choose a longterm intimate relationship partner?

Be able to be around them for long periods of time without feeling stressed. Have huge chemistry which complements rather than complicates the personal relationship. Having someone care more and deeply about you than you can imagine.

The ability to be friends, partners, lovers, confidantes, etc.

Also this.

 

[Relm]

[MENTION=1669]Rite[/MENTION] and [MENTION=1678]Norton[/MENTION] - I completely agree on the "can hang out with them for long periods of time at low stress/energy cost." High energy people are fun: for a little while, then they are exhausting. I value having an intimate relationship that is relaxing energetically. One of the key bits of the relationship between my husband and I is that we don't get sick of one another, no mater how long we are around the other. Partly because the other's company is complementary and partly because, as two introverts, we just naturally give the other space. =)

 

[Norton]

It just sounded pithy, by hippy I meant those new age types who seem to think people are capable of changing into something or someone else, I dont believe this to be the case, people dont go from A to Z, they take each step along the way maturing and redefining but never leaving behind those old feelings, the old is as much a part of one person as the new, but what our actions dictate is where the change lies.

I am a believer in "what you see is what you get" when it comes to people. Sure, people can change--it does happen. But, usually this requires strong motivation, which, for most people is lacking. If my wife comes home complaining about a new lab technician who is sloppy, disorganized and lazy, and I hear this same complaint over the next few weeks even when the person was told to improve multiple times, it is rather clear that this is what one should expect from this particular technician. I recently hired a carpenter to build out my lab who, unfortunately, appeared erratically and was regularly late when he did appear. He was consistent in his behavior from the beginning. I fired him. So, it has been my experience that, much more often than not, what you see is what you get.

Don't marry someone with the idea that you'll be able to change him or her. If there is something about a person that really puts you off, despite other, lovely traits, don't expect change. Either accept this person as he or she is with your eyes wide open, or run the other way. It's always best to get divorced before marriage.

 

[Billy]

I am a believer in "what you see is what you get" when it comes to people. Sure, people can change--it does happen. But, usually this requires strong motivation, which, for most people is lacking. If my wife comes home complaining about a new lab technician who is sloppy, disorganized and lazy, and I hear this same complaint over the next few weeks even when the person was told to improve multiple times, it is rather clear that this is what one should expect from this particular technician. I recently hired a carpenter to build out my lab who, unfortunately, appeared erratically and was regularly late when he did appear. He was consistent in his behavior from the beginning. I fired him. So, it has been my experience that, much more often than not, what you see is what you get.

Don't marry someone with the idea that you'll be able to change him or her. If there is something about a person that really puts you off, despite other, lovely traits, don't expect change. Either accept this person as he or she is with your eyes wide open, or run the other way. It's always best to get divorced before marriage.

I am not sure what any of that has to do with what I was talking about.