Changes to what makes someone a great catch

Gaze

Gaze

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MBTI
INFPishy
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Sorry, just had to write that since I haven't created a thread in ages. :D

Anyway, here goes.

Although none of us are fish per say :D, I'm curious about how changes to our society and cultures affect what we look for in a mate. Has your criteria changed for what makes someone a great partner yesterday vs. today based on social, economic, cultural, or political changes? Has recent politics shaped your idea of how a partner should think or feel? What qualities are becoming more significant or relevant for relationships today that wasn't that significant in the past? How do you think this has changed how people express or promote themselves on dating sites or how they present themselves in potential dating situations? Are some interests more significant or visible compared to others?

Is having one set of interests more important than others?

One of the things I've noticed is attention-seeking behavior. If you don't put yourself out there and "show up" in a big way, it's harder to be seen or noticed. On some level, this makes sense because there are far more options available for the average person than there were in previous decades because of travel, communication, immigration, etc. However, it almost seems as if having more options, means your own unique qualities can be easily fade. It also seems that one set of qualities are privileged over others, so if A is valued and you have more of B, you may not be as noticeable because A is seen as the trait of the day.

Because of the recent political engagement, it also seems that activism is now a new standard. If you are not standing up and vocal about a cause, then you're not saying much. And you're expected to be firmly on one side or another. Not much balance. What do you think?
 
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Oh boy, this is a big one.

I'll have a think about my own personal position, but in general:

- Being a declared feminist is now much less attractive than it once was (either gender).
- Being respectful with women is now extremely suspect because of a sustained attack against 'nice guys', 'SIMPs', 'neckbeards', 'pedestalising', &c.

Sexual politics has become an extremely dense minefield, and the way people attempt to tiptoe around the mines and navigate the new and ever changing rules has become a characteristic feature of Western culture.

The whole thing is baffling, and to be honest everytime I hear a term like 'SIMP' I just switch off. I want to distance myself as much as possible from the whole 'sexual insults' culture of the West because there's little I find more distasteful.

Generally I think people get on fine without all of this ridiculous cultural baggage.
 
Interesting topic. Thanks Gaze.

I think what makes a person a great catch is very personal.

Activitism doesn't really attract me. I don't get the feeling men I meet are looking for activists, but I might be wrong. I work with some younger people (22 to 30ish) and they seem more into activism maybe. Kindness and treating people with respect matter to me though.

The world feels a bit crazy at the moment and someone who is calm is very attractive these days. Not following the latest trend is very good too. Also not putting much of his life on social media. A man with a spiritual path is also very attractive to me.

Some friends my age (34) wouldn't date a man unless he had a secure job. Security and stability are not important to me.

So yes, it's all very personal :)
 
well, there is no more "agree to disagree". . for me anyway. . for me, you take sides and stand up, show up for the causes you believe in. .and while it's not the times, it's me . .I'm not going to fix anyone, or allow them to change me in some way. .so basically, your views and values have to be in sync with mine or don't bother
 
My criteria for what makes someone a great partner hasn't really changed for me personally and those qualities what I look for in a partner aren't based on any changes in the world.

The most important qualities what I do look for in a partner and the things I look for in a relationship are compatible long-term goals and outlook on life, shared values and mutual respect, similar sense of humor and someone to have a good time with, companionship through the ups and downs together, commitment and loyalty, emotional availability, intimacy and good chemistry. Someone special with whom to share this beautiful life together and support each other.
 
I think the things that truly make a person a good catch don't really change.
But there are and have always been narratives that drive people away from the things that actually matter.
And the things that actually matter are dependent (somewhat) upon the individual.
Some of my own thoughts have changed over time due to maturity, but the core principles haven't really.
I need a person with a strong will and a level head because internally I am somewhat chaotic.
And the person who needs me is someone who needs reliability, which I have in spades externally.
You have to figure out what piece of your own puzzle fits with somebody else's in a symbiotic way that generates growth.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Oh boy, this is a big one.

I'll have a think about my own personal position, but in general:

- Being a declared feminist is now much less attractive than it once was (either gender).
- Being respectful with women is now extremely suspect because of a sustained attack against 'nice guys', 'SIMPs', 'neckbeards', 'pedestalising', &c.

Sexual politics has become an extremely dense minefield, and the way people attempt to tiptoe around the mines and navigate the new and ever changing rules has become a characteristic feature of Western culture.

The whole thing is baffling, and to be honest everytime I hear a term like 'SIMP' I just switch off. I want to distance myself as much as possible from the whole 'sexual insults' culture of the West because there's little I find more distasteful.

Generally I think people get on fine without all of this ridiculous cultural baggage.
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I do think there is more sensitivity in regards to how to approach someone. I think people are more aware of boundaries.

GreenTea said:
Interesting topic. Thanks Gaze.

I think what makes a person a great catch is very personal.

Activitism doesn't really attract me. I don't get the feeling men I meet are looking for activists, but I might be wrong. I work with some younger people (22 to 30ish) and they seem more into activism maybe. Kindness and treating people with respect matter to me though.

The world feels a bit crazy at the moment and someone who is calm is very attractive these days. Not following the latest trend is very good too. Also not putting much of his life on social media. A man with a spiritual path is also very attractive to me.

Some friends my age (34) wouldn't date a man unless he had a secure job. Security and stability are not important to me.

So yes, it's all very personal :)
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Agree that attraction is personal but I also think culture and society influence our choices even if we are not fully aware of it.

However, it's great to hear that I'm not the only one who feels the same about security and stability. I never held anyone to that standard, although it wasn't fully appreciated. Sometimes, you could also end up settling for less than you deserve. Or someone takes for granted that because you don't hold them to a particular standard, that they shouldn't strive to want better.

mintoots said:
I just need someone who understands me and can make me laugh but I think people these days are looking for instagram spouses. I cannot compete with that.
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Agree. I think social media is its own mess. Image is everything.

Aneirin said:
well, there is no more "agree to disagree". . for me anyway. . for me, you take sides and stand up, show up for the causes you believe in. .and while it's not the times, it's me . .I'm not going to fix anyone, or allow them to change me in some way. .so basically, your views and values have to be in sync with mine or don't bother
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It makes sense that if you have specific values, that you'd want to share those values with others. Matter of compatibility.

flower said:
My criteria for what makes someone a great partner hasn't really changed for me personally and those qualities what I look for in a partner aren't based on any changes in the world.

The most important qualities what I do look for in a partner and the things I look for in a relationship are compatible long-term goals and outlook on life, shared values and mutual respect, similar sense of humor and someone to have a good time with, companionship through the ups and downs together, commitment and loyalty, emotional availability, intimacy and good chemistry. Someone special with whom to share this beautiful life together and support each other.
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Emotional availability is really important to me as well, along with empathy.

Wyote said:
I think the things that truly make a person a good catch don't really change.
But there are and have always been narratives that drive people away from the things that actually matter.
And the things that actually matter are dependent (somewhat) upon the individual.
Some of my own thoughts have changed over time due to maturity, but the core principles haven't really.
I need a person with a strong will and a level head because internally I am somewhat chaotic.
And the person who needs me is someone who needs reliability, which I have in spades externally.
You have to figure out what piece of your own puzzle fits with somebody else's in a symbiotic way that generates growth.
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Finding that matching puzzle piece is definitely not easy. Sounds like a once in a lifetime kind of deal.
 
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I find these questions hard to answer because I'm usually attracted to the individual; that is, all of the unique traits that add up to make them, them, as well as their energy.

Currently the person I am drawn to, what I like about him is his innate care for everyone regardless of who they are. He hangs out with old people and kids, very much about celebrating all types of people and does not judge others by societal expectations. He is tolerant of differences in others and seeks to understand them or at least accept other people for who they are. He is artistic and pursues several hobbies seriously and is always trying to improve. I think it's important for people to have a hobby or skill that they focus on, that sort of passion is not only attractive but it tends to bleed into all aspects of a person's life. He has a high emotional iq and is interested in similar intellectual things as I am, but we differ on our point of view enough to learn from each other. He is always challenging me not in a condescending way; he wants himself and others to grow in their own paths. We share the same fundamental values even though we do diverge in how we see things. We have the same sense of humor; he seems very clean cut but is a very devious person so it's fun to see when he lets that out. Also I'm physically attracted to him, but I don't think I was until I got close to him. In fact I remember when I initially met him being annoyed because he's very chatty and I wasn't interested in getting to know him. I have a bit of a one track mind.

To expand the case study I'll describe the person I was interested in before this one. I liked this guy initially because he's very positive and gave me a lot of praise and encouragement. I felt seen by him and at the time had low self esteem so I was in a sense using him as a form of validation. Anyway, he's also an artist and serious about his work and I just really admired that passion. He has done work with charities that really impressed me, he didn't tell me about it, I just found out. We had specific odd common interests that are rare to find other people who also enjoy them. We did not share the same political views at all nor really the same value system. I was attracted to him after I got to know him. We did have the same sense of humor, enjoyed the same movies and television shows, bands, etc.

Not sure if there's any patterns but hope the raw data helps
 
I think the basic principles apply when it comes to relationships which are trust, loyalty, kindness, generosity, honesty and humour. I think we all expect these in a relationship, it's almost like a given.

But there are deal breakers in all relationships and we all have a deal breaker. At present what I've noticed is these deal breakers are related to political views, activism, certain movements and climate change. These are the current discussions in all our lives and with governments becoming either far right or far left, it's causing division within societies that's now affecting many people's relationships. For example, I've known relationships either not work out at dating stage or relationships breakdown because of Brexit, which is sad but people have such strong opinions and this may be due to how media has been delivering Brexit with certain influential people giving their opinion which in turn then makes people believe what they're saying must be right and ruins relationships.

In fact my friends who are still dating get some people ask them for their political views or views on other things that have no impact on the relationship at all or the person but they've been turned down/ghosted/rejected purely because they disagree on something that won't even affect them in the long run. And maybe six or seven years ago, these things didn't even matter so much when I was dating or looking to get married. I was never asked the things my friends get asked now because back then it wasn't so important to the relationship, it was more important what a person was like and if we held the same values of life in general. If there was a disagreement with political views it was respected and we just dealt with it.
 
QuirkyLemonFlower said:
In fact my friends who are still dating get some people ask them for their political views or views on other things that have no impact on the relationship at all or the person but they've been turned down/ghosted/rejected purely because they disagree on something that won't even affect them in the long run. And maybe six or seven years ago, these things didn't even matter so much when I was dating or looking to get married. I was never asked the things my friends get asked now because back then it wasn't so important to the relationship, it was more important what a person was like and if we held the same values of life in general. If there was a disagreement with political views it was respected and we just dealt with it.
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I wonder what that says about the political landscape today. I'm thinking people are probably more concerned about their role in society or society is simply more dystopic now that everyone is growing more sensitive. I do agree that it matters somewhat. At the very least, the other should be able to explain his views and principles that boil down to his political views. We can choose to not talk about politics but ultimately, a vast difference in values can be serious deal breakers.
 
Someone who is emotionally stable, thinks for herself without buying into current opinions uncritically, who is demure to the same extent as myself, and who isn't materialistic or gives much weight to other's opinions.
 
mintoots said:
I wonder what that says about the political landscape today. I'm thinking people are probably more concerned about their role in society or society is simply more dystopic now that everyone is growing more sensitive. I do agree that it matters somewhat. At the very least, the other should be able to explain his views and principles that boil down to his political views. We can choose to not talk about politics but ultimately, a vast difference in values can be serious deal breakers.
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Political views, Political correctness, gender equity, birth control, too many estrogen, too low testosterone cultural and family standards and too demanding.
We demand from the other to be a lover a friend a confident, father/mother, partner, i want this i want that, we want too much, we never think, does he/she has all that? We don't really think, hmm what do i have to give to demand all that? We all secretly want a Ferrari but we cannot even drive it the way is supposed to be driven.
We don't search for people but for patterns that we think that matching and we loosing the beauty of the person. Instead of searching for emotional healing we search for emotional pain, the one we know is not going to hurt as is boring, but we're also afraid to get hurt. What a confusion!

For me a great catch would be a woman who has the skill to love!
Just that, would be so refreshing
 
I think these things haven’t changed much, in general nor in my own view; it is always about person being able to stir my mind.
This does also rely on certain qualities such as emotional maturity + intelligence; complex inner world; reliability and loyalty; matching sense of humour, humbleness and kindness; passion, confidence and growth-oriented, determined mindset; independence and acceptance of my own independence.
I don’t think, however, that any of these depend on the mainstream culture; as with most of the humanity, in the end it all comes down to two people complementing one another in personalities and values, with strong mutual self-respect, knowing what they do or do not want, and valuing the above traits in each other.
Admittedly, the one thing where the cultural influence might be a bit more pertinent, though even this is still very personal, is the taste in books and music - I am rather particular on that, it’s my nerdy and occasionally weird nature :sweatsmile:
Another is the ability to communicate in an honest and straightforward manner - with all the 'games' influenced by the Internet culture, this is highly significant.

Entirely different subject here is if we talk about culture as in two people coming from particular societies - in that case, I believe an open-mindedness and an increased effort to understand and learn about their beliefs, values or ideas is essential, because these partly constitute who they are.
 
Not a big change for me. More mature outlook regarding relationship. :) However, I've noticed as I've gotten older I'm not as attracted to the shiny ones. Perfect ten looks aren't as important as connection for me anymore.

Learning over the years that if you have this person, who is shiny and happy, someone else will want that, and the greedy monster in them will turn any trick in their bag to take what you have. The saddist in me loved watching the sadness in them that their little 5 minutes of flame left them scratching their heads as to why the happiness drained out. ;)

I've dated movie stars and ugly monsters that belong behind bars, surface stuff and masks never really held my attention. Maybe it's because I can see potential and motive in them, and when these don't match up, bells and whistles go off and I have to get away from them.

Compatibility, an ease of being secure together or apart. When I was younger I lost ability to focus on life while in a relationship because I was consumed with thoughts of what my partner was doing and it shed light on my own trust issues. I'm glad I have outgrown that feelings pattern.

Understanding attachment and nonattachment helped me to recognize the way I perform in a relationship. After all, I'm only responsible for my actions, not others, (That's controlling I think)
...His, Hers and Ours.
In all things regarding the relationship a couple should have shared experience, but also independent experience. For instance I'm not polyamorous so that wouldn't work for me, yet, I've been understanding of an ex wanting that, multiple partners, and upon learning that, my releasing them from our agreement. Sure, it's caused harsh feelings, pain of loss that I had to work through and get over, but all are better in the end.

Many call foul on cheating.
I don't see relationships as the word 'cheating'; cheating generally conotates game playing or risk taking to me, and though I like a good adventure, risking my future by playing games with a love relationship isn't for me.
Stepping out on me without prior discussion is an absolute deal-breaker for me. In my heart it is the most disrespectful thing to do to someone you profess to love and want to spend your life with, especially if disscussion came after the deed and my partner had not discussed with me that they were feeling in such a way towards the other person.
I've never bought into the excuse of 'it just happened', no, it didn't and they need to work on their impulse control.
In my experience, they knew exactly what they were doing and are just upset they were caught being risky. This is why I try to let them know straight up that seeking out another lover is a choice, and they should keep going from that point on. Reminding them that they chose to tank our relationship for this other person and perhaps they should persue that other person. Though I generally forgive them, stepping out on me causes a deep wound to reopen and is an undoing of the work I've invested in building my self worth. Now those feelings of inadequacy do not last as long. To some men, women are still viewed as 'property' to be owned and groomed into the perfect show piece, these types are about status, still not for me.

Disposition and direction,
Emotional intelligence,
Depth of knowledge and willingness to learn about new things,
Willingness to discuss what they know, what they don't know, and what they wish to know ...
these things apply to all facets of life, sex, career, music, love for beet salad, or not, any and all experiences without limits, and when they seem secretive and spooky about not wanting to share their hidden fears, trauma, and gems of delight ...

Provide space for them to gain security and sure footedness so then they can share all of these things with you and allow them to create a space for you to do the same.

End game for me is equal repriosity ... equal sharing of life, good, bad or calmly, and when the other can not bring in equal, you should not mind making up the difference, with agreement they will do in kind should you not be able to meet equal.

We both win. ;)
 
This is an interesting set of questions Gaze. Nicely done.

Gaze said:
Has your criteria changed for what makes someone a great partner yesterday vs. today based on social, economic, cultural, or political changes?
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No, not really. The socio-political landscape has changed around me, but I haven't changed much in my views. What I look for in a partner in this area is open-mindedness, the ability to think for oneself, enlightenment values, integrity and a distinct lack of moralizing. I've always looked for these traits, though.

Has recent politics shaped your idea of how a partner should think or feel?
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Not really. At most it has underlined it.

What qualities are becoming more significant or relevant for relationships today that wasn't that significant in the past?
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The qualities of tolerance, compromise, the ability of recognizing when you're wrong and changing your mind, the skill of listening, as well as having some trust in the goodwill of others.

How do you think this has changed how people express or promote themselves on dating sites or how they present themselves in potential dating situations?
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I don't know, I don't date around. I think people have changed how they present themselves in general, though. More cautious.

Gaze said:
If you are not standing up and vocal about a cause, then you're not saying much. And you're expected to be firmly on one side or another. Not much balance. What do you think?
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On the contrary, it's the loudmouths who aren't saying much. And anyone who is firmly on one side or the other isn't critically engaging with that particular political issue.
 
My idea of what a good catch is has changed after each successive relationship I've had. I've generally learned that every attribute a human has ends up good qualities along with unfortunate side effects, so a good catch has the attributes I respect more with side effects that don't cause any major, sustained conflict.

I find that like with most things in life, finding what you want in a relationship is a experiential, trial-and-error sort of process. I've thought "I need to find someone with X", only to realize down the road that X isn't that important to me.

Currently, a good catch for me is emotionally mature, considerate, goal-oriented, independent (lifestyle and in terms of how they make decisions), and persistent.
 
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