i would never choose either and i don't see why i should have to choose one over the other. on the one hand, my relationships with my loved ones are very important to me. i care for them deeply. but on the other hand, they're separate people from me, with separate identities and needs for their own independent selves, and i couldn't stand the thought of living entirely for them. i think that is the definition of poor boundaries. even if i was a stay at home parent, what would i do with all those hours when my child went to school, and started to develop their own identity, and needed to be separate from me so they could make and be responsible for their own decisions, and learn to function independently and capably in the world? would i be anxious, agonising over their nutrition, calling up their teachers and demanding interviews, scrutinising the minute distinctions of their development? it's not as if i wouldn't be there for them in a flash if something went wrong, but that should hardly be every hour of every day. teenagers simply do not need twenty-four hour love and attention. what about when they left home, and my partner was still working? what would i do with the remaining decades of my life? spend a week here scrubbing the bathroom grouting with a wire toothbrush, and a week there obsessively eliminating clover from the lawn? grow flawless roses or sew quilt after quilt? bake gorgeous cakes that nobody would eat? i'd rather do these things with my retirement.
in addition to my loved ones, and contributing to their welfare if i can, i want to have a part in the way society works. i want to realise all of my potentials and use them to their fullest. i want to have a role in the bigger decisions of humanity and contribute to society through my own work and my unique skills. i want to read lots of books and learn things so i can think. i want to write, or be a journalist. vacuuming the carpets three times a week would not be enough for me.
it's ok for me to need a self. it doesn't mean i'm neglecting my loved ones.