Career vs. Love | INFJ Forum

Career vs. Love

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godSpeed

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Mar 10, 2011
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I'm sitting on a medical school acceptance and debating whether to go or not. I'm very passionate about the field but I have some concerns about other aspects of my life which I'd have to sacrifice. In particular, Family and Love.

I grew up in a relatively wealthy home when I was a child. In retrospect, there was definitely more money floating around than love. I'd get anything I wanted to and of course had no appreciation for things people did for me. I would hardly see my mom, a travelling CFO. The same with my dad, a business owner. I grew up with transient live-in nannies. When I was 9 y.o., my Mom unexpectedly passed away, forcing me and my family into a lower-middle class economic situation with my dad always working in order to make ends meet. I never really felt much emotional attachment to my mom so I can't say she had a tremendous impact on what I've become. Up to this day, I cannot say that I'm emotionally intimate with my dad either. His way of showing he loves me is to provide for me financially, even up to this day. I've never been emotionally intimate with him and he comes off as a very closed person. As long as I can remember, our conversations have been extremely short - mostly an exchange of one liners which lack any substance ("How was your day at school?", "It was good, busy"). If I am having problems (losing a friend, feeling sad, etc.) I've always just kept it to myself and developed the maturity to know how to cope with them. I have a few close friends (I'm also a social butterfly, lol) who I talk to but it still lacks the depth that I would really want in a relationship - speaking of which, I haven't had a serious girlfriend or relationship.

There are a lot of qualities I admire in my dad, I have this deep down resentment for him because of his lack of emotional availability to us (he's remarried btw, so it's not as if he's closed off to everyone). In part it's also because of his conservative nature as well.

It's something that's spilled over to my relationship with my two siblings - we're all grown up but it still makes us (almost subconsciously) uncomfortable to talk about our personal lives and situations. We have absolutely no problem talking to others with more depth. It's definitely improving though.

The reason I am rambling all of the above to you is to ask you wonderful folks a question:

I want to be the kind of Dad who would be his childrens' best friend and go-to type of guy for any problems they might have. Being a doctor is definitely a huge investment of time. Based on your life-experiences, is it still possible to be this type of parent?

I think love is lacking in my life. In order to compensate, I've volunteered a lot and try to be as generous as I can. Is it a bit to selfish or self-pitiful to be asking for more?

Worth Noting: I'm definitely not a depressed, sad individual! I'm a very cheerful person (INFJ, that's why I posted here). Caring for people, serving them at times of need and doing my best to relate to their situations really fill my bucket.

Thanks for reading (or sorry for posting, depending on what mood you're in ;)) It's nice to anonymously vent on these types of forums.
 
I am not a parent and don't plan to be. However, I know several doctors who have balanced family life and work. I think it depends on their specialty and how many additional commitments they take on outside their career. I think it is good to want a close and friendly relationship with your children but I would advise against the idea of being you children's best friend. Your authority needs to be established without being domineering. I've known kids with parents who want to be their best friends and the stories have never ended well.
 
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Wow, some fascinating questions.

And, I know you're going to hate to hear this... but it all depends on you.

You can be a doctor, and a family man. You can do ANYTHING, but what it means is some good time management, a lot of patience, and a sense of humor. If you're not the type of person that can say no (say... to a superior, if you're working in a hospital, or a practice owned by someone else) then it's going to be difficult.





(And, as a side note... few things I love more than people investing love, time, and thought into raising their children. Kudos.)
 
we do need love. and not just the charity kind

I tried to go into sciences and it was too much. I need people before i can succeed elsewhere. I work best with ideas
could you handle a week of not connecting with people? four months? eight years?

undoubtedly you would make the sort of doctor I have always wanted

at some point in your life you will have to make priorities and sacrifices. We always want more than we can have
 
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Go to medical school.

You can absolutely be a doctor, and a family man at the same time. If that's what you truly want, then you can make it happen.
 
CorLeonis said:
Wow, some fascinating questions.

And, I know you're going to hate to hear this... but it all depends on you.

You can be a doctor, and a family man. You can do ANYTHING, but what it means is some good time management, a lot of patience, and a sense of humor. If you're not the type of person that can say no (say... to a superior, if you're working in a hospital, or a practice owned by someone else) then it's going to be difficult.
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^^^This all true.

My INFJ wife is a well-known, prolifically published physician/researcher in her field (I'm not telling anymore!). She lost her mother the summer before medical school and six months before we met. We married the beginning of her third year of med school (this was in the 1970's). Obviously, I have a lot of experience as the loving, supportive spouse of a physician and I say, the world needs more INFJ doctors! Being an INFJ doctor means that you're going to pick up on the almost imperceptible little cues no one else does that lead to the crucial diagnosis. It means that your patients will love you. It means that no one will ever complain about your "bedside manner." It means a lot. Do what you love and the money will follow. So will the love. And, note that I'm saying these things as an INTP and we're supposed to be unfeeling, cerebral, and unemotional.
 
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Why can't you have both. Go to med school.

I don't know how it works exactly, but don't some doctors have flexible schedules?

Don't worry about it. Go to med school. You'll find out what you can and can't do. Before you worry about all this, do some recon first.

You don't have kids yet, and there's no shame in finishing med school, working a while and taking a break (or doing something less demanding) when you have kids.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from going to med school at this particular time.
 
Like they all said - go to med school.
 
thanks everybody, I sent in my acceptance. Sometimes I forget how ridiculously fortunate I really am.

Neuropedia said:
we do need love. and not just the charity kind
could you handle a week of not connecting with people? four months? eight years?
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A week = ok.
Four months = Pushing it.
Eight years = No chance. Unless, I had an endless supply of Wilson volleyballs.
 
the med school route is tough. most weeks you won't have time to connect with people, at least from what I've seen. I have barely heard from the girl who was my best friend in september since november. Granted she has her own issues as well. She's an infj and she's set on medicine, she wants to be a pediatrician. She's one of the most intelligent people I know. Being a doctor will bring her a lot of fulfillment if she makes it. I know I couldn't. We both have higher emotional needs than most people though, even infjs. You may make close friends in spite of, or even because of, the commitment. The universe seems to work that way sometimes.
I don't know what to say.
 
You can do both. Being a doctor is different than a traveling CFO. And plus, being a clinician means you work four days a week. Fo realz. I've been thinking along the same lines myself for he past few weeks although I'm only 33 credits into my education and can't decide what to major in.
 
Neuropedia said:
the med school route is tough. most weeks you won't have time to connect with people, at least from what I've seen. I have barely heard from the girl who was my best friend in september since november. Granted she has her own issues as well. She's an infj and she's set on medicine, she wants to be a pediatrician. She's one of the most intelligent people I know. Being a doctor will bring her a lot of fulfillment if she makes it. I know I couldn't. We both have higher emotional needs than most people though, even infjs. You may make close friends in spite of, or even because of, the commitment. The universe seems to work that way sometimes.
I don't know what to say.
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it'll all work out. i have many relatives in med so I'm very well aware of the road. Oh and you mean connect with people in that way. I'm confident that I'll handle it, I relish solitude, if thats what you mean
 
godSpeed said:
thanks everybody, I sent in my acceptance. Sometimes I forget how ridiculously fortunate I really am.



A week = ok.
Four months = Pushing it.
Eight years = No chance. Unless, I had an endless supply of Wilson volleyballs.
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Congratulations!

And good luck! Do you know what type of medicine you want to focus on yet?
 
Geez can you imagine an INFJ doctor? That would be so awesome. Mind you, I'd dump my current one for an inert carbon rod. Actually, she kind of is already an inert carbon rod...

In closing, as everyone else has said "Do It". Come back here when you start your practice to troll for eager patients.
 
It's kinda too late now, is it?

But yeah; do it. DO IT. Don't lose your dream.

While you're not having kids yet, during these times you can learn about things that can smooth the road to be a loving, intimate parent (and assumedly, a loving spouse too). [MENTION=3691]CorLeonis[/MENTION] had mentioned time management, and I would recommend learning more about efficiency. Also, ask yourself about your type of partner.....so you may know a little of what to expect.
 
Thanks all

CorLeonis said:
Congratulations!

And good luck! Do you know what type of medicine you want to focus on yet?
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No sir. I would like to specialize though, maybe something in internal medicine or neurology.
 
I think it all depends on how you draw your lines, obviously being something like an emergency room doctor takes a different kind of commitment than being a specialist. Is there any specialty area that you're particularly interested in above others?
 
There's no reason being a doctor will take time away from your home life, except during med school and residency, when you practically live in the hospital. All four (incl. step parents ;)) of my parents are doctors, and they still make plenty of time for their kids. My dad has five.
 
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