Can I Ever Let Someone Back In To My Heart? | INFJ Forum

Can I Ever Let Someone Back In To My Heart?

Cassanova Frankenstein

Cassanova Frankenstein

Two
Feb 26, 2018
2
8
26
Twin Peaks, WA
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
Altruist
Hello there,

I new here. In my introduction, I promised my tale of heartbreak.

Well, my 6 and half year relationship ended about 2 months ago, and pretty abruptly. I was living with this girl. She was my best friend. She was the one I thought I was going to marry and have a family with, but she just ended it one evening after she got off work.

Her reason is that she's 25 and she feels like she hasn't lived enough to settle down. I was never pressuring her to get married, because I knew she was skeptical since her parents had a rough marriage. She had a list of reasons she felt we were no longer compatible. These reasons could have been either fixed had she come to me, or they were things she has known about me since we met, so take that for what you will.

I met her in summer 2010 while I was dating another girl. Things with that girl fizzled out pretty quickly and I became infatuated with this girl. There was just one problem: She had a boyfriend. I chased her for two years because her boyfriend was a total waste of space and treated her like shit. Finally, after the boyfriend cheated on her, I had my chance to escape the friend zone. 6 years later, here we are. What did I learn from this? Never chase a girl that much. For one, you will not come out the same person you were before. And second, if you have to work that hard, it's likely to blow up in your face.

I don't hate her for any of this. I fully understand where she's coming from. This is a touch of that dreaded "quarter-life crisis" where you just want to be selfish and free and try and relive being a teenage. I was there at 25, and I had my girl with me. She helped me a lot through that era of my life. I am saddened I can't help her through her time.

Anyway, I am kind of a human lie detector, especially with her. So, I know she's already casually seeing and sleeping with another guy. It kills me inside. I can't even entertain that notion. I am just binge watching Step by Step on Hulu and crying myself to sleep every night and she's out seemingly having the time of her life.

We tried to be friends. I could not do it. I went no contact with her and it's definitely helping me cope, but I cannot express how alone I feel in the world without my girl and my best friend.

The thing about all of this that bugs me is just how seemingly cold and removed from her emotions she has become. Maybe it's part of the quarter-life crisis, maybe she just really wants me gone for now. I just can't believe I stare into the eyes of the person I thought I knew so well, and all I see is an icy heart.

Guys, you don't have to tell me to move on. I know that's the main objective here. I am not hoping for her to change her mind. I don't know if I could ever take her back after this. She has made me feel like second best for about 8 years now. I love her, but I think she needs to take some time on her own and figure herself out.

I personally don't feel like I can move on for a long while.. and I don't know if I can ever let someone else back into my heart.

Anyway, I welcome comments, questions, and concerns. Just don't say cold things like, "She's banging another dude, get over it. You don't need her." I know this. I don't need to hear that from others.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Jonah Caan, Happy Phantom, James and 4 others
All of the emotions are difficult to go through, but as you go through the emotions of sadness and grief, feeling them and expressing them with yourself, the emotions will probably get released and become less intense. The thing to do at the same time is to take steps to move forward with your new life as a separate person from her and do things to build you up, like exercise, or learning a new skill that always interested you. As you go forward, you will instinctively know what steps you need to take to keep moving on, whether it's feeling sad or angry, coming to peace with some particular incident between you two, or trying something new and exciting in life. It's people who don't take these steps forward from the past who are unable to let someone into their heart again, imho.
 
  • Like
Reactions: James and Gaze
Sounds like you are on track with recovering from your loss. There aren't any easy fixes but working at being your best and healthiest you that you can be,
 
  • Like
Reactions: Happy Phantom and Gaze
Welcome to the forum. I agree that it sounds like you are on track. Now it's just a matter of going through it.

CindyLou probably said it best when I was seeking support about the end of my long term marraige, "the first year will suck". That rang true for me. I'm in the second year and it's slowly getting easier.

Im kind of looking at my experience as two people who came into each other's lives with the ability to teach each other some needed lessons. There were many in our relationship, and he and I played both teacher and student to each other. All in all, the relationship from beginning to end taught me a great deal.

Honestly, I don't think I would have learned some of the things I needed to learn had we stayed together. We were getting in the way of each other's growth. I don't regret the relationship or loving him. I have found that in spite of a broken heart, life does go on, albeit painfully for awhile.

Here's a video I like that describes the end of a significant relationship and the grief that comes with that ending. Hope it helps.

 
  • Like
Reactions: Happy Phantom, souvenir, James and 1 other person
What? Like a heart worm?
 
While I can't understand the intensity of what you are feeling, I do relate to this a lot. It seems to me that it is that much harder to get over someone you feel like you worked so hard to be with. I'm sure you cared about her a lot. I'm really sorry about the hard time you are going through, and I hope you are able to feel better really soon!
 
  • Like
Reactions: James
Cassanova Frankenstein said:
These reasons could have been either fixed had she come to me
Click to expand...
When it comes to a relationship, you'd be best not to inherit the "logical" "reasoning"
behind its failing. You will be spinning in circles stuck on bullshit. People who aren't
satisfied with their relationship will go in reverse trying to justify their feelings.
And that's the key to it all: she doesn't love you. That's the only reason you'll ever
need to concern yourself with, and that's not something you can fix. By the time you
can fix it, you wouldn't want to, and as long as you want to, it'll never happen.
 
  • Like
Reactions: INFJ16, Happy Phantom, Free and 1 other person
Only you can answer that question. One thing to accept is that people no matter how close, are on their own journeys and though the decisions they make can effect us, they shouldn’t necessarily be seen as slights against us. The hardships we endure can shape the type person we become, for better or worse.. being alone shouldn’t be viewed as a negative, but a way to centre and regain the power you feel you’ve given to other people.
 
You don't have a choice.

You either move forward (eventually, when you're ready), be vulnerable again and let someone into your heart -- or ensconce yourself in avoidance of pain where you will eventually wither away into your own self-contained, isolated reality. You'll become the walking dead if you choose that. And that's no choice at all.

Beyond that, I think you have the right perspective and you don't seem to be attaching anything unrealistic to this girl. Good for you.

Practical advice:

- starting lifting weights ASAP and get lean
- eat healthy
- don't drink
- stay social
- always be honest in your speech
- constantly keep one foot outside of your comfort zone
 
Cassanova Frankenstein said:
Hello there,

I new here. In my introduction, I promised my tale of heartbreak.

Well, my 6 and half year relationship ended about 2 months ago, and pretty abruptly. I was living with this girl. She was my best friend. She was the one I thought I was going to marry and have a family with, but she just ended it one evening after she got off work.

Her reason is that she's 25 and she feels like she hasn't lived enough to settle down. I was never pressuring her to get married, because I knew she was skeptical since her parents had a rough marriage. She had a list of reasons she felt we were no longer compatible. These reasons could have been either fixed had she come to me, or they were things she has known about me since we met, so take that for what you will.

I met her in summer 2010 while I was dating another girl. Things with that girl fizzled out pretty quickly and I became infatuated with this girl. There was just one problem: She had a boyfriend. I chased her for two years because her boyfriend was a total waste of space and treated her like shit. Finally, after the boyfriend cheated on her, I had my chance to escape the friend zone. 6 years later, here we are. What did I learn from this? Never chase a girl that much. For one, you will not come out the same person you were before. And second, if you have to work that hard, it's likely to blow up in your face.

I don't hate her for any of this. I fully understand where she's coming from. This is a touch of that dreaded "quarter-life crisis" where you just want to be selfish and free and try and relive being a teenage. I was there at 25, and I had my girl with me. She helped me a lot through that era of my life. I am saddened I can't help her through her time.

Anyway, I am kind of a human lie detector, especially with her. So, I know she's already casually seeing and sleeping with another guy. It kills me inside. I can't even entertain that notion. I am just binge watching Step by Step on Hulu and crying myself to sleep every night and she's out seemingly having the time of her life.

We tried to be friends. I could not do it. I went no contact with her and it's definitely helping me cope, but I cannot express how alone I feel in the world without my girl and my best friend.

The thing about all of this that bugs me is just how seemingly cold and removed from her emotions she has become. Maybe it's part of the quarter-life crisis, maybe she just really wants me gone for now. I just can't believe I stare into the eyes of the person I thought I knew so well, and all I see is an icy heart.

Guys, you don't have to tell me to move on. I know that's the main objective here. I am not hoping for her to change her mind. I don't know if I could ever take her back after this. She has made me feel like second best for about 8 years now. I love her, but I think she needs to take some time on her own and figure herself out.

I personally don't feel like I can move on for a long while.. and I don't know if I can ever let someone else back into my heart.

Anyway, I welcome comments, questions, and concerns. Just don't say cold things like, "She's banging another dude, get over it. You don't need her." I know this. I don't need to hear that from others.
Click to expand...

Dear CF,

Although I can't image exactly how you're feeling, I feel your pain and I'm sorry that you're going through this. I realise this is an old post and I hope you are recovering well and that this can help someone else as well as myself as I write it.

A guy who I believed was my soulmate ended his relationship with me because of his anxiety (due to being closeted) and basically discarded a 2 year relationship which was perfect up until the last couple of months (due to us not being able to be with each-other properly in life).

I've never experienced heartbreak before this; I guess I've been lucky in life - but it nearly killed me. It's easy to say this here but I'd dare not say it to anyone in my life; I had continuous suicidal thoughts and the worst depression and anxiety I have experienced in over ten years. I feel my hands still shaking as I type this, 6 months on.

I felt like I would never get out of it; that's the depression. I thought I could never love again; that's the anxiety.

Your heart is broken and you need to give it time to heal. Put up your barriers and walls and let it heal in it's own time. But know that once it's healed, and it will heal, those barriers will need to come down. Otherwise that gift you have to love so deeply, more deeply than most if not everyone in your life, will be gone. That's what I thought and now that I feel like I have healed, although it's not linear, I'm back in the world with love.

You took the leap knowing the pain love could cause, and you still dared to love so deeply and unconditionally; be proud of that. I am.

Although during the heartbreak I wished I had never met him because of how intense the pain was, coming out on the other side (I think and hope) I feel stronger spiritually and mentally.

I wish anyone going through heartbreak continued strength.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back