Boyfriend gaining weight

Altruistic Muse

Altruistic Muse

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I suppose this will be quite a contentious issue on here. But I just have to vent my annoyance somewhere, about the fact that everytime I go out with a guy, he puts on weight! Before I go out with them, they have very trim frames, although no one I have ever dated has worked out, so this is always purely a metabolism thing. But when we start dating, they gradually lose it and end up plump. My current boyfriend is no different. I absolutely love him to bits, he has every good quality I could ask for. When we first met he had a perfect physique, for me ( a little waist and good shoulders). We weren't going out at that stage, and he moved continent to work offshore. I didn't see him again for a year, and at this stage he had put on a little weight, but not too much. Following this, there was another gap of pretty much a year, and now he has moved over to be with me. But from spending so much time working on the ship, where he gets no exercise and eats a hell of a lot of food, he has gained probably a stone and a half of weight around his waist. I don't think it actually makes me less attracted to him, I still find him really attractive (maybe not quite so much as when he was slim, but not a massive deal...). I do, however, find it really irritating that he's not bothered about taking care of his body! I keep myself trim just because I like to make the most of what I've been given! If he has been given such a perfect frame, how can he just not care? He does actually care though.. he will cover it with cushions when sitting down, and seems self-conscious. It's also the elephant in the room with us, although we can normally talk about absolutely anything. It's these things that bother me more than his appearance. He's showing some interest in exercise and eating good food which is great, but I'm worried that when he goes offshore again, it'll undo all the good work he's done on his break. Help?
 
Well, I guess the first thing is to woman up and talk to him about it. The next thing is to see what happens after the talk. Is it something he wants to change? If so, cool. You can help. Is it something he doesn't want to change? If so, then you have figure out whether you're ok with that or not.

You never really can change someone who doesn't want to change. All you can do is help or hinder, and hindering sucks.
 
Altruistic Muse said:
I suppose this will be quite a contentious issue on here. But I just have to vent my annoyance somewhere, about the fact that everytime I go out with a guy, he puts on weight! Before I go out with them, they have very trim frames, although no one I have ever dated has worked out, so this is always purely a metabolism thing. But when we start dating, they gradually lose it and end up plump. My current boyfriend is no different. I absolutely love him to bits, he has every good quality I could ask for. When we first met he had a perfect physique, for me ( a little waist and good shoulders). We weren't going out at that stage, and he moved continent to work offshore. I didn't see him again for a year, and at this stage he had put on a little weight, but not too much. Following this, there was another gap of pretty much a year, and now he has moved over to be with me. But from spending so much time working on the ship, where he gets no exercise and eats a hell of a lot of food, he has gained probably a stone and a half of weight around his waist.
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He has a different lifestyle, so he gained weight. Sounds pretty natural to me. It wasn't like he was obsessed with working out and then just gave up when you got together, right?

It sounds like he's gone through a lot of changes recently.. new job, new gf, moving to a new home... maybe he's eating for comfort, too?

Altruistic Muse said:
I don't think it actually makes me less attracted to him, I still find him really attractive (maybe not quite so much as when he was slim, but not a massive deal...).
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You basically just said you are less attracted to him than when he was slimmer.

Altruistic Muse said:
I do, however, find it really irritating that he's not bothered about taking care of his body! I keep myself trim just because I like to make the most of what I've been given! If he has been given such a perfect frame, how can he just not care? He does actually care though.. he will cover it with cushions when sitting down, and seems self-conscious. It's also the elephant in the room with us, although we can normally talk about absolutely anything. It's these things that bother me more than his appearance. He's showing some interest in exercise and eating good food which is great, but I'm worried that when he goes offshore again, it'll undo all the good work he's done on his break. Help?
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Encourage eating better and work out or exercise together.. Maybe instead of going to a movie go for a walk or a hike or something.
Try to introduce those habits or routines into his lifestyle by taking part in healthier things with him.
 
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acd said:
Encourage eating better and work out or exercise together.. Maybe instead of going to a movie go for a walk or a hike or something.
Try to introduce those habits or routines into his lifestyle by taking part in healthier things with him.
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That's a good idea. I made the mistake of telling my ex, "You're getting fat." Hehe, yeah, graceless, I know. He didn't appreciate it. So try suggesting the two of you go for a run together. Cook a healthy meal and make it clear how important you think it is for people to take care of their bodies. He should get the idea without you having to be blunt. Then hopefully he'll keep it up when he goes away again.
 
People are different when it comes to weight. Some people don't (seem to) mind when you bring up their weight, and others are obviously very uncomfortable with the whole issue. You should know what type he is when it comes to delicate subjects:

a) is he the type to blow up in your face,
b) is he the type that would take it very personally and get hurt by it
c) does he genuinely not care at all about his weight

ect. ect.

No matter how he would react, I agree with [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION] - do something proactive about it and see how he feels about it. If the activity involves the both of you, he's more likely to do it. I work out with my girlfriend from time to time, and it makes it seem like less of a chore.

Another tip could be to cook healthier food in general - no need to necessarily go all Jamie Oliver on him though. Try to gain a perspective on his diet, and think what parts of it are very unhealthy, and suggest alternatives instead. If he's a coke drinker, suggest you/he buy coke light. If he likes cooking with butter, use a little less or replace it completely with olive oil. If he eats a lot of ice cream, suggest buying frozen yoghurts instead. You'd be amazed at the results.

It seems to me that you two genuinely love each other, and therefore I don't think this will turn into an ugly situation at all! Best of luck :-)
 
So tell that person that they are getting fat and leave them.
 
Rferraris said:
You should gain weight too and show him what it feels like.
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On second thought, this is actually the best possible solution to your problem.
lol I hope you are kidding because that was funny Rferraris...
 
Have him burn it off in the bedroom. You don't have to say anything and it's pleasurable for both of you. :D
 
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Thanks for all the advice guys! Helpful stuff :). We're eating healthily together, and walking most days... Let's just hope he doesn't go crazy when he's on the ship this time! Feeling better about things :)
 
question: define "fat"?
 
uberrogo said:
So tell that person that they are getting fat and leave them.
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I hate to be a jerk. But I agree with Uberrogo to a degree. You say you don't care but you obviously do and to a seemly great degree. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

Also just something to think about people don't stay healthy forever.
 
Blind Bandit said:
I hate to be a jerk. But I agree with Uberrogo to a degree. You say you don't care but you obviously do and to a seemly great degree. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

Also just something to think about people don't stay healthy forever.
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Agree. At the OP, as much as I can understand your interest in helping your SO get healthy, that may not be the only issue. It could be something you are focusing on to avoid thinking about some other things which are bugging you about him. Maybe there's more going on here. And if you say that all her boyfriends are putting on weight, it seems you are wondering if it's something about you that's making them think it's ok not to stay in shape or the shape you would like them to be in. In any case, these men apparently have the kinds of jobs or lifestyles where maintaining a particular shape or weight is not easy or workable depending on what they do. If this is the case, there may be a pattern that you want to address in who you're interested in and why. Fact is, people gain and lose weight throughout their lives. Yes, it's important to be fit and healthy, but life sometimes makes if difficult. If you're telling him "you're fat" it seems appearance matters quite a bit more to you, so maybe date people for whom staying fit is a continued personal goal. If they don't want that for themselves, and you're the only one who wants it for them, maybe someone else with the same mindset as you would be a better pick. @Altruistic Muse
 
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Dragon said:
Hide all the bread and sweets and don't let him buy more.
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Won't work.
Before I started eating healthy, and people tried to control what I purchased, I'd get very offended/pissed.
"How DARE YOU! I am my own person, I can buy whatever I feel like!"
Basically, I was overly defensive, then insecure: "Oh my god, I hope they don't find me ugly/fat/etc."
It was a stupid stupid cycle, but the key is I had to come to the realization myself. I still remember the moment perfectly, and I am NEVER going back to the "old me".
I hope your boyfriend does it for himself, not for you. In the end thats what they have to do. It isn't about people around them, because they are not living in his body or experiencing what he goes through. So, keep that in mind.
I do think it is a good idea to cook healthy meals together and work out. Going for walks is a good starting point. :)

-Anna
 
Stab him with a knife/fork in the belly and shout 'Pork' or 'Oink' until he learns to mend his ways!
 
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