Benefit of the Doubt

[Faye]

Once again, I have messed up.

In the past, I have given someone the benefit of the doubt when I should have seen that they are a really horrible human being. Well, it has happened again, and it really disturbs me to think that I could be so flawed when analyzing situations with people.

The problem is that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst about them.

But this time is hurts- just like before. So I'm thinking that I need to stop being so damn naive. I feel so stupid. These were only incidents with friends, and I'm afraid it could be worse in the future. I need to be smarter about this.

Why are some people so terrible? And what can we do about garden variety sociopaths? How can you spot them easier?

 

[Kgal]

A sociopath?

They're very hard to spot. Really hard.
Personally I don't think you should be so hard on yourself for succumbing to one of their machinations. They are usually smart, engaging, charismatic, and know how to manipulate and lie like a veteran actor.

Have you ever seen that "dead" look in someone's eyes? The one that makes you think "they" could care less if you lived or died? That's how I spot them.
I try to look people in the eyes right away when I meet them. I know it makes some of them uncomfortable, but at least I might get the chance to spot the one's who are uncomfortable because they want to try to best me in some way.

I'm sorry you've been hurt and/or betrayed.
I give people the benefit of the doubt all the time, too.

 

[Radiantshadow]

I'm guilty of the same, and it has ended badly before (though not always).
Learn to take care of yourself, you owe it to those depending on you to
look after yourself and be as healthy as possible. It is has been said
one can see the fruit of labors in one's eyes - look ye there when meeting
new people, perhaps?

 

[Sriracha]

I have a keen nose for bullshit.

 

[Sensiko]

I don't like to judge people right off the bat, so I have to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't think it's naive at all, as long as you don't give them a second chance. For me, I need to have proof, because when someone does me wrong, they won't hear from me again.

That being said, I always trust my spider senses about people and keep them at arms length from my confidences. It sounds like you could benefit to listening to your gut more carefully and recognize how you internalize the feeling that something's "off" about someone.

I'm dealing with a situation like that at work right now. I knew this co-worker was a snake, but to be a team-player, I had to give him the benefit of the doubt --for myself, but more importantly to prove his character to everyone else. He took my willingness to cooperate to screw me over royally. The kicker was that when confronted by me in front of his superiors, he freely admitted to intentionally deceiving me. Wow.

Civil working relationship between he and I ===> ====>out the door.

It boggles my mind to think that after admitting that, he would think I would continue communicating with him.

Which brings us to sociopaths...

It's hard to spot one unless you've known one, but pay attention to their relationships. For the most part, they are one-sided and the sociopath will have a knack for getting people to do things they don't want to do in an unnoticeable way. Here's how...

Once a sociopath knows what bothers you, then he/she will use this to get what they want. This is why it's important to not confide in anyone you're not 100% sure of. Their power comes from you not knowing what bothers you and/or realizing what they are doing AND them banking on your emotional reaction which they will use and abuse. Watch the face of a sociopath who cannot get a reaction out of you

 

[technics]

Have you ever seen that "dead" look in someone's eyes? The one that makes you think "they" could care less if you lived or died? That's how I spot them.

Hey WTF? INTJs usually have that. I have that, too, less so than the average INTJ. Actually I think a lot of people have that.

 

[grt$5vb]

[MENTION=834]Dragon[/MENTION] This happens to me all the time. I am very suspicious of people when they attempt to get close to me, but I tend to give people I haven't spent enough time with the benefit of the doubt, heighten their positives, and take up their cause, only to feel like a fool in the end. However, I realize my standards are impossibly high, and my idealism is so unrealistic that people are more likely just "people" rather than horrible or wonderful.

 

[Lerxst]

Just assume everyone will lie to, cheat and steal from you the first chance they get until they prove otherwise. Guilty until proven innocent might not hold up in court, but it works wonders in your personal life!

 

[bickelz]

I have a keen nose for bullshit.

I do too but it's still hard to be mean to people based on 5 minutes with them.

This is kind of a frustrating thing for me though because I'll meet someone and usually figure them out quickly but try to withhold major judgement about very negative vibes they give me. Every once in a while they change my perception but most of the time I'm pretty much spot on within the first 5 minutes, not gonna lie.

 

[Nixie]

@Dragon

You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. Why have you decided that your quality to trust is "bad". Getting hurt is difficult to handle regardless of HOW it happens. Why change something fundamental and good about yourself? Accept that your openness comes with the potential to be hurt because the alternative sucks. Changing yourself to a meaner, harder person isn't a good solution.

Nothing wrong with being genuine and wanting to see that quality in others. If we act suspicious and untrusting, we get suspicion and distrust back. You reap what you sow kinda thing. If we don't have faith in the basic goodness of others, then others won't have the opportunity to live up to that faith and connect with their better selves. Always strive to show your better self to the world.

 

[Kgal]

Hey WTF? INTJs usually have that. I have that, too, less so than the average INTJ. Actually I think a lot of people have that.

Well sure - we all cycle through that lack of feeling about caring for another at times.

If you are with someone who professes to care about you or is showing a continued interest in you, you probably will not see that look in their eyes when they are engaged in interacting with you, though. Will you? I've not seen it - except in people who are lying to me - conning me. Experience has taught me - that when I see that look flicker through their eyes - then they are not who they are projecting to me. I learned to watch people's eyes the hard way.

Paying attention to people and listening with all of the senses I have available to me has enhanced my ability to "read" people, also. But that requires a certain open-ness - a willingness to give them the benefit of the doubt. (As ironic as that is).

I recommended a book to kiu/not sure which teaches one how to read people based upon the entirety of what they are communicating. I was taught that communication is about 40% verbal and 60% physical. Perhaps [MENTION=834]Dragon[/MENTION] could benefit from learning those skills. I believe the author Rose Rosetree was highly recommended. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0965114511/?tag=infjs-20

I agree with [MENTION=3096]Sonya[/MENTION] also. There is everything right with being generous enough in spirit to give the other person a chance.

 

[turquoise]

In the past, I have given someone the benefit of the doubt when I should have seen that they are a really horrible human being. Well, it has happened again, and it really disturbs me to think that I could be so flawed when analyzing situations with people.

The problem is that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst about them.

But this time is hurts- just like before. So I'm thinking that I need to stop being so damn naive. I feel so stupid. These were only incidents with friends, and I'm afraid it could be worse in the future. I need to be smarter about this.

I think this is a pretty standard thought process after having been betrayed/royally screwed over, especially by someone you trusted. It's a reaction that closes you off and makes you less vulnerable (not necessarily a bad thing, if not too extreme). Generally I find it wears off naturally though, the time taken being proportional to the damage previously done. The primary risk is that you end up taking it out on other people or missing opportunities to actually know people who aren't total sociopaths. Plus, when you let someone like that affect you so much, you're kind of letting them win in a way, particularly when they're the kind of person who may get a thrill out of that sort of thing. Mean people suck, don't let them know they can affect you.

Why are some people so terrible? And what can we do about garden variety sociopaths? How can you spot them easier?

I don't think spotting them is realistic. Better not to open up to people enough to where you're vulnerable to them hurting you, unless you're sure enough it's a risk you're willing to take. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends or nice to them, etc., just means you have to stay detached on another level (this may be more of an NT solution than an NF solution though), and when it comes to taking risks with them, just accept going into it that it may turn out badly. The other issue with closing off too much is that manipulative people will by nature tend to be better at trying to get through to you and 'seem nice' superficially, so you may end up in a cycle of missing out on positive relationships and continually falling into the negative ones. That aside though, most pathological and manipulative people tend to like easy targets. They don't like to put extended time and effort into getting past someone's barriers.

Not sure if this is helpful/makes sense to anyone else. Best of luck with whatever it was.

 

[Norton]

Never start out trusting someone. You should only end up trusting someone.

With people what you see is what you get. But, you have to spend some time testing and observing.

 

[Trifoilum]

Once again, I have messed up.

In the past, I have given someone the benefit of the doubt when I should have seen that they are a really horrible human being. Well, it has happened again, and it really disturbs me to think that I could be so flawed when analyzing situations with people.

The problem is that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst about them.

But this time is hurts- just like before. So I'm thinking that I need to stop being so damn naive. I feel so stupid. These were only incidents with friends, and I'm afraid it could be worse in the future. I need to be smarter about this.

Why are some people so terrible? And what can we do about garden variety sociopaths? How can you spot them easier?

First of all, I'm sorry you had to experience that.

I agreed with [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION]; they have mastered the art of loosing your guard and being very, very charismatic. It's hard and you shouldn't beat yourself down for being fallen for their charm. But neither should you berate yourself to be naive; have the innocence of a dove, and the brain of a snake. Naivety, innocence, and savviness does not have to be exclusive.

I cannot say much about deception; for what -is- deception for me? For you? Especially in the business world, when certain amount of detachment and concealment are accepted, if not necessary. I would even say those who deceive are those who actually -care- about what they would think.

For prevention, indeed learn to take care of yourself. Not to say you have to be a lone wolf; the key is to be grateful, not demanding. So that if something does happen and your bestest friend is a sociopathic monster, you -can- survive. It also gives an advantage against the sociopath, for they often want to
Reading people a-la Kgal is also a good skill to have, but from personal experience I have to say that yes, you HAVE to have the ability to give the benefit of the doubt, lest you are ridden with paranoia.

I'm quite confused regarding wants. Those without wants (too nice) are sitting ducks to people like those. But those with wants (too selfish) can be manipulated, for they know what their target wants. Setting your distance would be the best idea, but then you have to know your own target, lest you ended up distancing yourself from everyone because of paranoia.

The rest? Trust your Ni.

But really, open your heart and open your eyes. It might not protect you completely from harm and bad intentions, but you'll open yourself to those with good intentions.

*HUGS*

 

[Flavus Aquila]

I give trust, like a lend money.

Someone once told me that when someone wants to borrow money, you should only lend them as much as you are happy to give them outright. That way, if they don't pay you back, it won't bug you, and if they do pay you back you'll be glad and rapport will grow between you.

I only trust people, initially, as much as I am willing to hoodwinked - which isn't too much, but it is definitely something.

 

[NYLilac]

If someone or something seems too good to be true, it likely is. I don't trust any man who comes on too strong with declarations of love too early in our acquaintance. I think to myself, What? Here you are saying you love me and want to be with me forever, yet you don't even know me! You can't be serious!

 

[David54]

I trust that what I'm told is true. . unless I learn differently. . I am one of those people that fall quickly. . .and fall hard. . I will tell someone I love them. . . if I do. . and if I say it, it's becuse I mean it. . from a place very deep inside of me. . and like with the woman of my dreams(and blog). . .I told her I loved her long before she was ready to hear it. . I think she still struggles a bit with it. . .

if someone needs money and I have it . . I will give it to them . .not loan it, give it. .they need it and I have it. . just makes sense to me. .

I guess I trust people. .