At what age is it appropriate to talk to your children about non-standard relationships(e.g., homose | INFJ Forum

At what age is it appropriate to talk to your children about non-standard relationships(e.g., homose

S

Shai Gar

At what age is it appropriate to talk to your children about non-standard relationships(e.g., homosexuality)?
  • Before 10
  • After 10, before 17
  • 18 or later
  • Never

This question (OkCupid) is rather stupid. It should have been scenario based rather than age based.

I don't think there is an age to discuss anything, if a question is asked, it should be discussed quite frankly and honestly. None of these "Lies to Children" that people are so happy to commit.

Other sexual orientations exist, we're only really afraid (fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to baptist churches) of what we don't know or understand. Which is probably why small minded people hate so many things. I'd rather my children learn about these things from honesty or wikipedia than ED or playground stories.
 
My older son asked me point-bank when he was seven if I were gay. I answered simply yes because I though bisexuality would be even more difficult to explain. We were at a gay pride parade with some gay friends of mine he'd known most of his life. Up to that point he'd been having a good time, but as soon as I uttered that not-so-simple "yes," he developed a sudden headache and said he wanted to go home. My gay friends distracted him easily enough by asking him if he wanted to go look at the tattoos which were evident in abundance on many of the people there. That perked him up because he was already completely obssessed by tattoos. But I knew distraction was only a temporary thing. J and I were already involved with each other. My kids knew her as my "friend" and never questioned our sleeping arrangements when she visited.

When we announced that J was moving from CT to live with us, both boys were overjoyed; they loved--and still do--J. I wonder sometimes if Chase, the elder, ever made the connection between the question he asked me that day and my relationship with J. Certainly, both boys were very open about having two moms and always introduced J as their stepmother. In fact, it was Tom's openness that got us in trouble with the neighbors. Once they found out J and I shared a bed, they began to harrass us: throwing rocks at us while we were struggling to get us and our wheelchairs into the van; sending their kids over to throw dirt through the screen in our bedroom window and set off cherry bombs and the like outside our bedroom window in the middle of the night.

Well, I'm getting off topic here...but I want to note it was only one household and they weren't baptists. The dad openly sexually abused his oldest daughter and both mom and dad were alcoholics and drug addicts.
 
Depends on the kid.
 
You said that you're Post Menopausal, how long ago was all that? Because it seems to me that was a sickening time. Violent Assault with a possible deadly weapon (rocks) that was able to continue.

I assumed you called the police?
 
Yeah, I agree Shai Gar and I think that the way the question is posed and phrased is of itself an indication of an unaccepting attitude. I think the difference would obviously be in how and what you explain to the various age groups.
There should also be an 'anytime' option to allow people to show that it is to them a non-issue.
 
Yup, bad question.

You should discuss it with kids when they ask, or around the same time you would talk about relationships in general. There is no set age, it sort of just comes up on it's own.
 
It doesn't matter when nearly so much as how and why.
 
When they are old enough to understand it. I guess it would vary. My parents never said anything to me about it, but I found out about it on my own.
 
Shai Gar said:
You said that you're Post Menopausal, how long ago was all that? Because it seems to me that was a sickening time. Violent Assault with a possible deadly weapon (rocks) that was able to continue.

I assumed you called the police?
Click to expand...

That was 15 years ago and yes, we called the police, who were great. They first talked to our neighbors about their unacceptable behavior, then arrested the mom when she took a swing at one of the cops. That escalated the harrassment for a while and we eventually gopt a restraining order which they violated repeatedly. Finally they lost their kids and the parents were evicted before they were finally jailed for six months. Those first two cops stuck with the case through the two years it took to get it resolved, which might never have happened except the city attorney and I had been on law review together and he was gay too.
 
My children have four grandmas and understand love comes in many different forms. My younger daughter has said more then once, "When I grow up I want to get married. I can marry a man or I can marry a woman." I find it very cute. None of my children have asked about the sexual side, but when they ask about why other people find homosexuality I have to explain not everyone understands. They have already have ideas on how to explain it to others. I didn't really need an explanation.

For me I remember when my mom told me she was gay. I was more sad because I knew how hard it was to tell me and how hard it would be keeping it from being known by everyone else around us. I think it made me more lonely then I ever was before. I would never do that to my kids. If I date a man or a woman they are free to tell whom ever they want.
 
Best to tell them early or else the school will beat you to it.
 
I had heard of homosexuality when i was in first grade. I think kids pick up on the basic concepts quite early on. It does seem to be an issue of age-appropriate answers, not at what age the topic should be presented at all. Of course I had some child-reasoned idea about being gay. I remember telling my friend that we shouldn't hug, and that I would explain it to her "when she was older". Of course it never occurred to me that I didn't really have anything to explain. I think kids need some honest explanations about these things or they will concoct their own answers.
 
amethyst said:
Yeah, I agree Shai Gar and I think that the way the question is posed and phrased is of itself an indication of an unaccepting attitude. I think the difference would obviously be in how and what you explain to the various age groups.
There should also be an 'anytime' option to allow people to show that it is to them a non-issue.
Click to expand...

Every child is different and they mature on a different level. Even if they ask young, I say present it to them in way they can understand depending on their age. (if you know your child, than you should know what they'll understand) And also let them be led by your actions. I have multiple gay and lesbian friends and family. I agree in showing them it is a non issue. The only issue is the problem other people have and the ignorance of the matter.
 
dneecey said:
Every child is different and they mature on a different level. Even if they ask young, I say present it to them in way they can understand depending on their age. (if you know your child, than you should know what they'll understand) And also let them be led by your actions. I have multiple gay and lesbian friends and family. I agree in showing them it is a non issue. The only issue is the problem other people have and the ignorance of the matter.
Click to expand...

Yeah I totally agree. I was talking more specifically about the question itself and the attitude it portrayed. The fact that there was no 'anytime' option to select was what was preventing the person answering from expressing that they had no issue with homosexuality.

I definitely believe in being as honest with children (and people in general) as possible. When I said that it was a matter of how and what you explain to various age groups I was referring to the terms and details etc. that you would use - the same common sense guidelines you would use when explaining any romantic relationship to a child vs adolescent. On a need to know basis if you know what I mean. Of course truly knowing your child is the optimum situation and you could assume that would be a more likely outcome if a more open and honest attitude was cultivated and present when answering any question of theirs at any stage of their life.
 
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