So my younger brother was recently diagnosed with asperger syndrome and through our conversations he has expressed to me that he and his therapist believe I also might have high functioning autism as well based of my interactions with him and others. We have very different dispositions but at the same time have to deal with very similar difficulties when it comes to socially interacting with others. This got me curious and though I had known a little about asperger’s and suspected him to have it for a long time, I had not done extensive research.
The last couple of days I have been looking into a lot more but I am not convinced either way that I have or do not have high functioning autism. What I am curious about is other’s experience or knowledge of people who do?
For me, looking at the common traits of asperger’s in adults and children, I can definitely relate and understand many of them but others not so much. For one as an adult I have learned how to get a better feel for others intentions and emotions much better than my younger brother but it has been something I have had to consciously work on since I was little. Since I was little I recognized immediately that some thing’s I did or said would have a negative impact on others but I for the most part did not recognize this until after the fact once I had time to think and dwell on it. Once this happened I would feel rather guilty and I began to understand that action was bad but it also made me question if other actions of mine where causing that same discomfort in others like it seems most children learn. Based off my observations of others, I could not read through body language or visual cues to understand if it was or not so I hesitated to act and I withdrew. Where other children began to understand body language and visual cues, I did not. I never understood personal space and now when I think back, I at times violated it by being too forward, hugging random people and things like that. I saw nothing wrong with it as a child but I started to understand that it made some uncomfortable so I stopped because I didn’t know what is an acceptable level.
Now I have learned to look for certain body language movements to understand things that I don’t naturally. I don’t know when it is a good point to end or start a conversation, I am very uncomfortable with small talk and I have never really understood flirting in a physical way. I have learned to flirt using language but my physical actions don’t always match my speech. I have to consciously think about how I am positioning myself, how I sit, how I talk(avoiding being monotone) and I have to remind myself that even though it is more comfortable for me to go off on a tangent about one of my interests I might not be giving enough attention to others interests. Because I have learned to look for certain things, it frustrates the hell out of me when somebody doesn’t follow that normal pattern. So when someone doesn’t look me in the eyes when talking/listening or when they pull out an electronic device because I don’t know if they are listening and from my understanding of body language, that tells me that they don’t want to listen.
The issue is because I don’t have a natural feel for things like this, I over think it. I try to read into every action and am unable to take them at face value. For example lets use the case of flirting. If a girl touches my arm in conversation, I will notice the touch, it will process but how I should respond is something I have to think through. “Was it just a friendly touch, expressing comfort and familiarity? Does it mean she desires me to initiate contact back? Should I? Do I really want to but is it what she is expecting? Am I over thinking this? Probably… Just do what comes natural to you…. Do nothing and forget it even happened.”
It is natural for me not to act because I recognized quickly when I was younger that every individual was different therefore unpredictable and I did not like that unpredictability. I am always trying to find hidden meanings to every action or statement because what is obvious to others is invisible to me, so I have to play the percentages. I have to categorize actions into certain probabilities. If a person does this action then it most likely means this and therefore I should act in this way.
One last example is a real one. I was talking with a friend and a party when a girl came and sat next to me. She listened to our conversation and then when a pause happened she made a comment; “You are very smart.”
The comment threw me off and it didn’t ever process to me that it was a compliment or anything more than just a statement. I took it at face value, a statement meaning nothing more. My response was “yes” and then I returned to what I was talking about with my friend. I never understood I was being rude and that perhaps she was trying to start a conversation until my friend pointed it out to me. By that point it was too late and the damage was done. Since then I have gotten much better at recognizing things like this and having a response ready that I have practiced.
So I don’t know, there is some validity in their observation and the statement has gotten me to start thinking and it does explain a lot but I don’t know. I know this sounds like I am trying to argue the case that I do and that is partially my purpose. I already know the reasons why I am not but I am still exploring the reasons, why I might, if that makes any sense.
The last couple of days I have been looking into a lot more but I am not convinced either way that I have or do not have high functioning autism. What I am curious about is other’s experience or knowledge of people who do?
For me, looking at the common traits of asperger’s in adults and children, I can definitely relate and understand many of them but others not so much. For one as an adult I have learned how to get a better feel for others intentions and emotions much better than my younger brother but it has been something I have had to consciously work on since I was little. Since I was little I recognized immediately that some thing’s I did or said would have a negative impact on others but I for the most part did not recognize this until after the fact once I had time to think and dwell on it. Once this happened I would feel rather guilty and I began to understand that action was bad but it also made me question if other actions of mine where causing that same discomfort in others like it seems most children learn. Based off my observations of others, I could not read through body language or visual cues to understand if it was or not so I hesitated to act and I withdrew. Where other children began to understand body language and visual cues, I did not. I never understood personal space and now when I think back, I at times violated it by being too forward, hugging random people and things like that. I saw nothing wrong with it as a child but I started to understand that it made some uncomfortable so I stopped because I didn’t know what is an acceptable level.
Now I have learned to look for certain body language movements to understand things that I don’t naturally. I don’t know when it is a good point to end or start a conversation, I am very uncomfortable with small talk and I have never really understood flirting in a physical way. I have learned to flirt using language but my physical actions don’t always match my speech. I have to consciously think about how I am positioning myself, how I sit, how I talk(avoiding being monotone) and I have to remind myself that even though it is more comfortable for me to go off on a tangent about one of my interests I might not be giving enough attention to others interests. Because I have learned to look for certain things, it frustrates the hell out of me when somebody doesn’t follow that normal pattern. So when someone doesn’t look me in the eyes when talking/listening or when they pull out an electronic device because I don’t know if they are listening and from my understanding of body language, that tells me that they don’t want to listen.
The issue is because I don’t have a natural feel for things like this, I over think it. I try to read into every action and am unable to take them at face value. For example lets use the case of flirting. If a girl touches my arm in conversation, I will notice the touch, it will process but how I should respond is something I have to think through. “Was it just a friendly touch, expressing comfort and familiarity? Does it mean she desires me to initiate contact back? Should I? Do I really want to but is it what she is expecting? Am I over thinking this? Probably… Just do what comes natural to you…. Do nothing and forget it even happened.”
It is natural for me not to act because I recognized quickly when I was younger that every individual was different therefore unpredictable and I did not like that unpredictability. I am always trying to find hidden meanings to every action or statement because what is obvious to others is invisible to me, so I have to play the percentages. I have to categorize actions into certain probabilities. If a person does this action then it most likely means this and therefore I should act in this way.
One last example is a real one. I was talking with a friend and a party when a girl came and sat next to me. She listened to our conversation and then when a pause happened she made a comment; “You are very smart.”
The comment threw me off and it didn’t ever process to me that it was a compliment or anything more than just a statement. I took it at face value, a statement meaning nothing more. My response was “yes” and then I returned to what I was talking about with my friend. I never understood I was being rude and that perhaps she was trying to start a conversation until my friend pointed it out to me. By that point it was too late and the damage was done. Since then I have gotten much better at recognizing things like this and having a response ready that I have practiced.
So I don’t know, there is some validity in their observation and the statement has gotten me to start thinking and it does explain a lot but I don’t know. I know this sounds like I am trying to argue the case that I do and that is partially my purpose. I already know the reasons why I am not but I am still exploring the reasons, why I might, if that makes any sense.