Anybody else had abusive parents?

[moonlightam]

If yes, how do you think has this abuse influenced you? Maybe its still influencing you? Has your view on your parents changed at all since?

 

[knight in battle]

If yes, how do you think has this abuse influenced you? Maybe its still influencing you? Has your view on your parents changed at all since?

My parents were verbally or emotionally abusive and critical, so I am quite sensitive to this from people or when I see someone else being abused in that way. My view of them has changed, because I've changed and they've changed. They've calmed down significantly over the years, so I've had some peace of mind to appreciate their better qualities.

 

[Billy]

Not intentionally abusive.

 

[Poetic Justice]

My brother is the narcissist to end all narcissists. Or rather, was before he lightened up a bit a few years ago

I was mentally tortured by him for years. I should mention he's 7 years older than me, 6 foot 3 and probably the stockiest man I have ever seen. Seriously. It was like a 5 year old having an AK47 that you somehow couldn't take off of them. Constant threats of violence although he never actually did anything because deep down he is an intense coward. In fact it's not even deep down. He IS an intense coward

There was a period of several years where I swear he made a point of lying or obfuscating every time he spoke. He seemed to be practicing

His favourite thing to lie about was me

 

[youhemmein]

Yeah. Pretty bad stuff. BUT, through years of therapy and hard work, we've worked through it. I have forgiven those misdeeds, and they have forgiven me for being a difficult child/adolescent.

 

[moonlightam]

My brother is the narcissist to end all narcissists. Or rather, was before he lightened up a bit a few years ago

I was mentally tortured by him for years. I should mention he's 7 years older than me, 6 foot 3 and probably the stockiest man I have ever seen. Seriously. It was like a 5 year old having an AK47 that you somehow couldn't take off of them. Constant threats of violence although he never actually did anything because deep down he is an intense coward. In fact it's not even deep down. He IS an intense coward

There was a period of several years where I swear he made a point of lying or obfuscating every time he spoke. He seemed to be practicing

His favourite thing to lie about was me

And how was it for you? were you afraid of him, did you try to avoid him at all? Are you still bothered by all he did to you despite his "growing up" a bit?

 

[moonlightam]

Yeah. Pretty bad stuff. BUT, through years of therapy and hard work, we've worked through it. I have forgiven those misdeeds, and they have forgiven me for being a difficult child/adolescent.

And did you actually want to make up with them, to understand them?

 

[Poetic Justice]

And how was it for you? were you afraid of him, did you try to avoid him at all? Are you still bothered by all he did to you despite his "growing up" a bit?

I was a little scared of him as a young kid but more confused by how anybody could behave the way he behaves and seem to believe the things he believes. He would just randomly tell me I was doing it wrong. Whatever it was I was doing. And shout and threaten etc when I refused to do it his way. the first words out of his mouth when I spoke were usually "no" heh. He would then try and think of a reason why no. After saying it! It didn't even have to make sense apparently. I saw him do it over and over again. Day after day. This was one of the things he practiced.

As I got older I resolved to figure him out and I think I had got a fair approximation NPD figured out by about 19-20 years old. Then I saw a programme about it on TV and freakin lol'd my ass off!

It was an hour long programme about who my brother is. All the worst things they were saying narcs could be like. Thats him. All 9 traits in abundance

After reading pretty much everything on the internet about NPD I realised they were just scared and lashing out because thats the only way they know how to defend themselves from these percieved threats. This led me to realise that most nasty behaviour is probably something similar going on.

Thought led to more thought and I basically decided, fuck it! We're all just doing the best we can. Why have a problem with anyone? Whats the point? Who knows whats going on inside their heads? Who knows what wild and bizzarre belief systems they have making them act that way. If my brother is basically a good guy (and he is) trapped in body with a faulty alarm system, who knows what other fucked up things peoples subconscious make them do?

I believe I am a significantly better person because of my brother. I have hung out with socially since the age of 17 btw. I only see him rarely now but that only started a year or two ago. No reason, just drifted a little apart. I hated him for a couple of years in my early 20's. And I mean really hated. Thoughts nobody should have. I soon let go of that though and we have never got on better. He actually speaks english now, not obfuscese (that shoud be a word. If you've met a narc you've heard them talk it)

 

[youhemmein]

And did you actually want to make up with them, to understand them?

I never wanted to be taken away from them. When a social worker asked me if I had been abused, I told her no because I was terrified of being separated from my parents. I wanted to be with them, and for us all to be happy together. I love them deeply, and they are good people who made bad mistakes. So I guess you could say yes.

 

[Apone]

Aren't all families emotionally abusive to some degree?

I was pretty mean to my sister... and she could be really mean to me too. My mom, and especially dad had their moments as well.

But I don't think that any of this was in any way abnormal or strange... brothers and sisters almost always fight and put each other down almost nonstop in every single family I've ever been around. And really, I don't blame my parents for being distant or angry sometimes-- kids can be exhausting and super annoying... they're cute in the beginning but then they lose their cuteness and get all awkward until finally they're just taking your food and expecting presents and such. I don't think it's really fair to expect people to do the right thing all the time in that situation.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

My parents weren't abusive - I was spanked and occasionally yelled at, but it always seemed fair enough when I was feeling a little too frisky and rebellious.


Where is the line drawn between discipline, disagreements, irritation, normal aggression, etc. and abuse?

 

[Lit]

emotionally abusive parents. they still are the same, but my mom is trying to be a better communicator--which is really hard for her. my dad, no one can get through to. so... we aren't speaking currently. he sent me a mix tape in the mail, using my mom's return address. all it had was a post it that said "especially track 8" and it was an old song that he used to play... i got upset and turned it off and hid it. ughhh. we've got issues. sort of sneaky of him to send me a stupid CD though to get me to think about "old times" or whatever. i fear him dying and never making peace with him. i don't know. i've tried to many times and it just hurts me to try, so i stay away.

 

[moonlightam]

Where is the line drawn between discipline, disagreements, irritation, normal aggression, etc. and abuse?

That Im afraid I cant answer, the lines are not that distinctive. I can probably say that a good slap (either verbal or physical) with good reason and deserved ever did much harm to kids that are old enough to think through their behavior and draw some conclusions about it. And abuse would be something undeserved, unreasonable, over the top punishment for just being yourself. I dont know, my abuse was way too severe to be able to say what is and what isnt abuse in milder forms, but know when I see it

 

[this is only temporary]

To answer the OP, no, I don't think my parents were ever full-on abusive, though they had issues and I was hit and criticized as a child. I'm also not sure where that line is crossed, because I simultaneously know they love me.

And to @PoeticJustice: Your brother sounds like a real charmer! J/K

Mine used to do similar things sometimes, and it never made sense to me until I had children of my own and realized the power of sibling rivalry.

You may not realize just how much you rocked your brother's world simply by being born. I'm fairly certain my older son will never fogive me completely for removing his only-child status; fortunately, it is mostly aimed at me, not his brother, and we do try to help him deal with it as much as possible. It can be really REALLY hard on the older sibling to have a younger one born, even if they are presumably, supposedly old enough to deal with it.

Not that sibling rivalry justifies abuse, but it does sort of make you go "OH! That's what was going on...." if you had no idea as a child just what you had done to deserve that treatment.

 

[CindyLou]

Most people are raised in a dysfunctional environment

 

[Sriracha]

I'd like to know where this fine line is too. Unless we are talking about full on over the top abuse, abuse that would get you removed from your parents by social workers ... it is difficult to see through the eyes of your parents until you ARE a parent.

Parenting is hard work. Kids don't come with a book of instructions. What works for one kid, doesn't work for the next and sometimes it is nearly impossible to figure it out. Just look at MBTI vs. MBTI. Parents can easily become aggravated and frustrated when the intended child refuses to listen/communicate. I have this very issue with my oldest child. When we have plans to do anything, he complains and then he is an absolute pill the entire time. He would be content to sit on his butt all day long and watch t.v. or play video games (which are limited and yes he complains about that.) He complains when I force him outside on his bike or when I say we are going to play a board game (his choice of game.) He complains when it is time to work on his homework. He complains about the meals I prepare. I'm not certain I have ever met someone so negative and to be quite honest IDK where it comes from. I ask him why he doesn't like XYZ, and I store his suggestion for future reference (and then he'll complain in the future.) His father and I are very involved in his life, we give him a lot of space, and trust him b/c he is very responsible. He's allowed to negotiate when he disagrees, but then even complains about the compromise. He and I are in a constant power struggle which he ultimately always loses b/c I'm NOT a doormat parent.

You have no idea how difficult it is to maintain the calmness ... it's much like poking a dog with a stick over and over. So to be honest, I can understand when an adult "loses it." Kids know how to ring those crazy bells in our heads, but the difference is that good parents know when to separate themselves when they feel they have gone into "lost it" mode. I will admit that yes I have gone into "lost it" mode, but those moments are few and far between ... afterward he is always a perfectly compliant kid and will try to do something to put a smile on my face. I think EVERY parent has questioned their own ability to be a good parent many times.

I reflect and think ... what would my son say about his childhood? Is he happy? I've told him so many times that his happiness is important to me. What would he say about me? What life failures would he blame me for?

*sigh*

 

[moonlightam]

I'd like to know where this fine line is too. Unless we are talking about full on over the top abuse, abuse that would get you removed from your parents by social workers ... it is difficult to see through the eyes of your parents until you ARE a parent.

Parenting is hard work. Kids don't come with a book of instructions. What works for one kid, doesn't work for the next and sometimes it is nearly impossible to figure it out. Just look at MBTI vs. MBTI. Parents can easily become aggravated and frustrated when the intended child refuses to listen/communicate. I have this very issue with my oldest child. When we have plans to do anything, he complains and then he is an absolute pill the entire time. He would be content to sit on his butt all day long and watch t.v. or play video games (which are limited and yes he complains about that.) He complains when I force him outside on his bike or when I say we are going to play a board game (his choice of game.) He complains when it is time to work on his homework. He complains about the meals I prepare. I'm not certain I have ever met someone so negative and to be quite honest IDK where it comes from. I ask him why he doesn't like XYZ, and I store his suggestion for future reference (and then he'll complain in the future.) His father and I are very involved in his life, we give him a lot of space, and trust him b/c he is very responsible. He's allowed to negotiate when he disagrees, but then even complains about the compromise. He and I are in a constant power struggle which he ultimately always loses b/c I'm NOT a doormat parent.

You have no idea how difficult it is to maintain the calmness ... it's much like poking a dog with a stick over and over. So to be honest, I can understand when an adult "loses it." Kids know how to ring those crazy bells in our heads, but the difference is that good parents know when to separate themselves when they feel they have gone into "lost it" mode. I will admit that yes I have gone into "lost it" mode, but those moments are few and far between ... afterward he is always a perfectly compliant kid and will try to do something to put a smile on my face. I think EVERY parent has questioned their own ability to be a good parent many times.

I reflect and think ... what would my son say about his childhood? Is he happy? I've told him so many times that his happiness is important to me. What would he say about me? What life failures would he blame me for?

*sigh*

By the way you wrote it all - you are a good parent and kids do go through some stages that are difficult even for the best of parents. If you ask your son now - he will probably say that hes not happy, but you shouldnt ask him now at all - ask him when he will start understanding that you are doing all these things for his own good and well-being.

My mum abused me for her own entertainment most of the time, physically as well as verbally, and as hard as it is for me - I cant forgive her even now that im pretty close to 30... havent even spoken to her since she actually attempted to kill me and I ran away, Id probably have a heart attack if I had to even see her from a distance. It wasnt even anything to do with my behavior most of the time, if she didnt like the direction I was wiping the dust towards - I got beat up. If I was scared to light the gas stove for the first time in my life, I think I was about 5 years old at the time, because the matches were short and I was afraid to burn my fingers - i got beat up. I once came back home from playing out all drenched because some kid pushed me and i fell into a big puddle - I was beaten up without anyone even asking what happened. The further - the worse it got, I dont think its a good idea to bring up all those emotions in me again, I started the day in a pretty good mood The night when she tried to kill me there was no reason whatsoever, I was sleeping, she burst into my room with an iron mincer, opened my wardrobe and told me to prepare to die. That was the first time when I fought back. I dont know why did she do what she did to me. It was fun for her maybe, I really dont know.

 

[Sriracha]

By the way you wrote it all - you are a good parent and kids do go through some stages that are difficult even for the best of parents. If you ask your son now - he will probably say that hes not happy, but you shouldnt ask him now at all - ask him when he will start understanding that you are doing all these things for his own good and well-being.

My mum abused me for her own entertainment most of the time, physically as well as verbally, and as hard as it is for me - I cant forgive her even now that im pretty close to 30... havent even spoken to her since she actually attempted to kill me and I ran away, Id probably have a heart attack if I had to even see her from a distance. It wasnt even anything to do with my behavior most of the time, if she didnt like the direction I was wiping the dust towards - I got beat up. If I was scared to light the gas stove for the first time in my life, I think I was about 5 years old at the time, because the matches were short and I was afraid to burn my fingers - i got beat up. I once came back home from playing out all drenched because some kid pushed me and i fell into a big puddle - I was beaten up without anyone even asking what happened. The further - the worse it got, I dont think its a good idea to bring up all those emotions in me again, I started the day in a pretty good mood The night when she tried to kill me there was no reason whatsoever, I was sleeping, she burst into my room with an iron mincer, opened my wardrobe and told me to prepare to die. That was the first time when I fought back. I dont know why did she do what she did to me. It was fun for her maybe, I really dont know.

I just want to scoop up that child in you and take you home. Survivors are courageous and admirable ... and you are such. You never deserved what happened to you. Put a smile on your face because now you have choices and now you have control of your life. You are your own keeper.

 

[moonlightam]

I just want to scoop up that child in you and take you home. Survivors are courageous and admirable ... and you are such. You never deserved what happened to you. Put a smile on your face because now you have choices and now you have control of your life. You are your own keeper.

Aw, thanks Im always in need of hugs

 

[CindyLou]

Aw, thanks Im always in need of hugs

I'll hug you too