All Alone. | INFJ Forum

All Alone.

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by Raccoon Love, Jun 10, 2010.

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  1. Raccoon Love

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    I don't know if anybody else can relate to this, but the feeling of being completely alone is terrible for me. I always desire to have some sort of contact, even if its only with one close person. I feel pretty alone and depressed if I do not experience such contact, which is what is now happening to me. I have become more social, I have become more outgoing..but come summer..and no one remembers. I stay alone for hours, which I truly hate.

    So as introverts, do you sometimes find yourself getting lonely easily? Have you ever experienced periods without any sort of company for long periods of time? can you stand being all alone, or do you need at least one close person to be able to talk to and relate to?.
     
  2. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    I think the cruel truth is that we will always be alone. Even during the most intimate relatinship there will come a time that you realise that even though you connect so deeply, you always well be two different individuals and that there is nothing you can do to change that. You are always alone.

    The feeling of being alone creates a hole inside of you that you are trying to fill with relationships and connections. But you will never be able to fill it up completely. It is like taking an asperine to cure your headache. The pain will go away for a while but the cause, the illness remains there, untreated and will grow only stronger. Therefore I think the only way to heal the pain of being alone is to accept the fact that you always will be alone and to learn to be content with just being on your own. If you can find happyness and contentment just on your own, from yourself, then all your relationships and connections will be a bonus on top of that instead of a desperate Need. It will help you to enjoy them even more because you are not dependent on them.

    It is something I'm still learning to do. I'm right in the middle of leaning so hard on someone, crying for his attention, his love for me without which I seem not to be able to live. But that is such a false idea, it is not true, it is not true at all, I can live a fullfilled life without him and I will live an even more beautiful life if I could just step back and enjoy his attention when it is given and enjoy when it is not given...

    it seems that the closer you are to a real connection, the deeper you feel that you are alone, the deeper the pain of being alone, the deeper the hole it leaves behind and the more desperate you long for connection ... and (I think) the farther away you are from actually connecting.

    but the truth is ... the real truth is ... YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!
    But to understand that to the fullest you have to accept the hole inside first.
    (like going through the shadow of the valley of death to enter paradise, or something like that :D)
     
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    #2 Morgain, Jun 10, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2010
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  3. Gaze

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    So as introverts, do you sometimes find yourself getting lonely easily?
    - Yes. I find that i need to have some form of contact, whether it's a close friend or two, persons i can talk to or relate to once in a while. It eases the pressure of anxiety which builds up when i'm stressed.

    Have you ever experienced periods without any sort of company for long periods of time?
    - Yes, and i became very depressed, and the lack of understanding of my family, made it worse. When particular emotional and social needs for connection are not understood and met, especially when you're feeling very lonely and vulnerable, it's very easy to go a dark place. And then "those" thoughts start to prop up because you can't handle it on your own, but no one is there to help you through it.

    San you stand being all alone, or do you need at least one close person to be able to talk to and relate to?.
    - Same as the first question
     
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    #3 Gaze, Jun 10, 2010
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  4. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    I agree wholeheartedly with what Morgain said (another wise post! :)) but as I was reading it I began thinking that there are times when this varies. Yes, existentially we are alone in that our consciousness separates us and results in our experience of life being entirely ours, but there is something within us that calls for connection to another live being and going too long without that connection creates a different kind of loneliness and hurt. I've experienced lengthy complete isolation before and it really is awful. Even though I'm quite introverted and like having time/peace to myself, I absolutely need connection with others.

    What are your plans for the summer? Any chance of getting out where you can interact with people and hopefully make some new connections?
     
    #4 Soulful, Jun 10, 2010
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  5. j e s s i e

    j e s s i e Buried Myself Alive
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    I need contact with close friends or people in general on a regular basis, or yes, I most definitely fall into a depression. Yet at the same time, I lack the same kind of friendship I desire, and get completely burnt out and want nothing more than to be alone when I try going out and meeting new people. Dilemma, right? :rolleyes: Haha.

    So yeah, I'd say I'm a lonely person. I can totally relate to the summer thing. When spring semester's over, that's practically all of the people I talk to on a regular basis out the window until fall semester starts up. I enrolled for summer classes solely so I wouldn't have to spend as much time home alone. Keeping busy to distract myself.

    If only you could put all of the lonely people here into a room together...
     
  6. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    yeah I understand. I didn't say you should live alone or not try to connect anymore, not at all!

    but I think if you can change a connection from "I desperate need this to not be depressed" to "it is a wonderful benefit to my life", it would change your life tremendously.

    What I also think is that the longing for being connected makes us blind for the fact that we ARE connected already. We are, but we can only not see. We search for what we think we don't have and forget to look to what we already have. The whole world is connected and if you realise this, it will improve all your relationships, makes them deeper and you will attract people you can connect with. I have experienced it myself. When I stopped searching for what I could not get, that what I wanted appeared right in front of me without any effort from me.
     
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    #6 Morgain, Jun 10, 2010
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  7. OP
    Raccoon Love

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    Thank you so much guys, very wise words from all of you.

    My plans, have so far looked a bit..I really feel disconnected so I thought this would be another summer where I spend an average of 12 hours online...but I somehow go the corage to send a FB message to someone(Thanks RD!)..to try and maybe reach out and loose the shyness..
     
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  8. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    For sure. There are certain holes that can't be filled by others and relationships tend to be most rewarding when they're nourished by like/enjoyment. That kind of freedom is giving.

    Do you think we need to feel this to realize it (thus already feel connected to the world in some way) or is a conscious realization/awakening enough? Are they one and the same?
     
  9. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    what about that female friend you have had contact with outside of school? Call her and ask her if she wants to do something with you during summer (make some concrete plans). Maybe you can get to know some other friends of hers as well and then you could start going out with all of them. That is how I did it in high school and it was very akward in the beginning and I felt like an intruder, but in the end it
    payed off and I'm friends with some of them still after 10 years...

    and ask that guy to go for a drink with you ... just do it!

    :hug:

    good luck!
     
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  10. the

    the Si master race.
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    I dislike sleeping alone so I got a blanket and rolled it into a ball and put it by my legs and imagine it is a cat.
     
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  11. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    thanks for asking, I like discussions like this (if RL don't mind!)

    I have been experimenting with this a lot. Basicely the results are this. Whenever I'm desperately longing for friendship, people don't seem to like me at all and I feel rejected and even more lonely. But when I can shut down the search and be content with what I have and really realise that I am connected already, then life gets easy. People are drawn to me without me having to do any effort in it. I don't have to act, don't have te change, just be self secure and know.
    I have met someone who has lived 13 years alone without speaking, searching for this connection inside of herself. She had a certain glow, a strength that came from within, a strength that you are drawn to because it is that certainty that you have been searching for and she seemed to have found it.
    I have been feeling like that since I have met her and the most wonderful things has happened to me, the most beautiful connections with people I have never met before. It can be a coincidence, but yeah...

    I don't know what the difference is between a conscious realization/awakening and "feeling" it. I think you need more than just knowing it (in your mind). I think (for me it was this case) you have to make some sort of click in your head, a aha moment. You can read a thousands books that teach you that everything is one, and you say "yes I can believe it". But it is this aha moment that really makes you realise "my god, everything IS one :shocked: I have read it a thousand times and never really got it!"
     
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    #11 Morgain, Jun 10, 2010
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  12. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    why not just get a cat?


    As for you RL, I know where your coming from. When I moved FCC I didn't know anybody, and most of my freindships were shallow at best. I felt alone even when I with a group of friends, that and the absurd amount of happy couples on campus doesn't help either.


    I tried forcing myself to be more extraverted last semester, It worked abit, I had some real friends. But alas the loneliness has yet to leave.

    Sorry wish I had more advice, but all I can say put yourself out there.
     
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  13. sassafras

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    Raccoon,

    While I can all too easily relate to feelings of loneliness, I also think it's a condition that can be very easily remedied at your age. All this would make for a very good case as to why you should look into getting a summer job or some volunteer work; if not for your own mental health, then perhaps pad up that resume for those college applications coming up soon.

    The perks are, 1) you get to know new people, 2) you get exposed to new learning experiences and 3) it gets you out of the house where you've mentioned, time and time again, you don't feel is a comfortable environment for you. Furthermore, 4) new experiences and challenges also distract you from ruminating on such uncomfortable, inner-states that are of your own perceptive design, such a loneliness.

    While not a very pleasant situation, it is fixable. You gotta put yourself out there and widen your circle of friends.
     
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    #13 sassafras, Jun 10, 2010
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  14. the

    the Si master race.
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    Maybe cause I dont want one.
     
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  15. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    @Raccoon Love: Sounds like you are 'coming down' from the elation of the end-of-school festivities you were enjoying the other day.

    There is a certain kind of lonelinesss which isn't too bad - in fact it is quite pleasant most of the time - sometimes called solitude. The great benefit from voluntary partial isolation is that it is stable (at least for me) and there are no highs and lows - but a peaceful, predictable way of relating and living.

    Throwing yourself in to an emotional high probably precipitates emotional crashes. I thought this would happen, reading your end-of-school thread and I put in there - slightly tongue-in-cheek: Where's the rollercoaster?

    I hope you get out of this lonely rut soon.
     
  16. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    There was a guy, when I was going through my training who had a toy cat to keep him company when he slept. Everyone gave him so much crap about it, but he never apologised for it, nor did he ever get rid of it.

    I admired his immunity to peer pressure.

    [​IMG]
     
  17. Nucky

    Nucky Regular Poster

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    I'm kind of a weirdo, and have longed for someone to relate to all my life. A couple years ago, for the first time ever, I have finally found some people who accept me on a remarkable level, but not yet found someone who understands all of my quirks completely. So yeah, I understand completely what you're talking about Raccoon Love.

    The friends I have found most recently are people who really do genuinely care for me, despite all of my warts, and they believe that I am a good person, despite these warts. I am starting to believe the same of myself with some help from these great people. In finding them, I have found a huge lead towards finding someone who does genuinely understand my every quirk on a truly cosmic level.

    Keep the faith, my friend. It will happen to you someday.
     
    #17 Nucky, Jun 11, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2010
  18. OP
    Raccoon Love

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    I seem to be going down the rollercoaster at this point. I actually do talk to some people briefly from time to time on FB. It's not the same however, I have always longed for a deep and meaningful relation. I am to shy to attempt to ask anyone to simply hang out. Though I have lost the fear of sending a ''friend request'' online, it is still not the same as actual contact.
     
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