Advice terribly needed | INFJ Forum

Advice terribly needed


Aug 3, 2008
Hello INFJs, any advice on how am I supposed to deal with this problem?

It took me a lot of courage and effort to pursue this post. I hope somebody would be able to help me on this one.

Warning: The post is very long, I hope you don't mind.

My problem is basically about my friends and I am torn between them.

I have three closest friends in school, two females and one male. We enjoy the company of each other. Living and laughing that it seems like there would be no tomorrow. I am not sure about my feelings, but I guess I have this different sense of attraction to my male friend. I am not sure if he is an ISTP or an INFJ, maybe he is more of the latter. My female friends are an ISFJ and an Ixxx (this was because I am totally not sure of her MBTI).

Before the problem began, when the four of us where together, my Ixxx friend would join me because my INFJ and ISFJ friends are very much absorbed in their one on one conservation. Since I have this "attraction" to my INFJ male friend, there was an inner conflict going between me. I am not sure if it was jealousy or envy against my sound judgment and reasons. As always, my sound judgment outweighs those stupid emotions.

In a way, I was closer to my INFJ friend. This was due to the fact that we have this opportunity to spend more time with each other because our house was on his way home.

One day, my INFJ friend jokingly commented something about my ISFJ friend. My ISFJ friend did not like that joke and so she retorted. My INFJ friend became silent. During that time, I already knew that my ISFJ friend hit something very sensitive. I also saw it on my INFJ friend's face. That was also the time when I felt resentment against my ISFJ friend because she did something that really annoyed me. However, I did not dwell on that for long because I thought of it as nonsense.

After that day, things already changed. Our schedule was a conflict so we really have a few chances of meeting each other. Albeit the conflict in schedule, we still find time to gather, except for our INFJ male friend. He spent most of his time with another group. At first, my female friends thought it was just because of the school works. So I quickly dismissed the idea that we have a conflict in our group.

After a month, we had this chance to meet, but he declined to join us. The next day, we finally had a chance to be together, as opposed to the routine, instead of walking along with my ISFJ friend, my INFJ friend walked along me and talked about ideas that would normally be a topic if he was with my ISFJ friend. Unable to grasp what was happening, I gazed at my other friends, and they also seemed confused. At that moment, I was already making up my conclusions that something or someone was really out of place. I have no idea what my friends felt, but I know for a fact that it was an uncomfortable feeling.

I asked my ISFJ friend to confirm if she really had a conflict with INFJ but she also had no idea. She just hypothesized that that cold treatment was only because our friend already became intimidated to her just like most of our male classmates.

One night, my INFJ friend called me unexpectedly. It was very much unlikely because: (1) he never really called me; (2) he’s normally already asleep during those time and (3) he called me for a topic that he’d normally discuss with our ISFJ friend.

I entertained his queries but eventually, I ended up asking a question that I’ve been bottling up. I asked him what was his problem with our ISFJ friend. He de said that it was about our ISFJ’s different behavior and guaranteed me that it would be ok. He also said that he will settle things once and for all with our ISFJ friend. I thought the problem would be over by this time.

The following day, I observed them but it looks like they are still at odds with each other. The next day, they already conversed with each other but it was just a conversation between classmates and not as friends. Things changed a lot. After analyzing the given situation, I realized that my ISFJ friend was already the one who’s kind of avoiding our INFJ friend. On the other hand, my INFJ friend seems like he is also not comfortable with the situation.

After several days and nights, I asked my ISFJ friend if the friendship would still be brought back to the way it used to be. She said that it was already impossible, unless our INFJ friend would do something about it. She told me that she never really knew that there was a conflict between them and she would never knew if my INFJ friend did not called her late one evening and asked for forgiveness. I asked her why will the friendship never return to before if he already said sorry. She said that it was because he asked sorry for the wrong motivation. Then she confided that our INFJ friend only asked sorry because I was already affected.

I want to approach my INFJ friend once again, but I thought of giving him ample time to think about the situation. I am also afraid that it was because I delved into their problem that it became worse.

Now, I feel like I am responsible for all of these problems. I’ve been telling myself that it’s just a matter of acceptance. It’s the end of the friendship. Nonetheless, I can’t help but question my own reasoning. One part of myself tells me that things will still work out, I just have to find a way. All I have to do is to find the best strategy to deal with this. Our xxxx friend seems to care less because she is not that close to my INFJ friend.

I am torn between the two of them. It feels like when I am with one of them, I am betraying the other. So I would end up being alone and isolating myself inside my head. There is nothing wrong with being alone, but what also bothers me is that I keep thinking on a way to finally finish this conflict.

I am really sorry for the very long post. Clarifications?

What would you do to deal with this kind of problem if this happened to you?

Considering that I am an INTJ, and the problem involves an INFJ, how show should I approach the problem?

Is there still a chance or should I just give up on my illusion?

I just wrote you a lengthy reply, pushed send and up popped a notice saying I wasn't signed in - post gone! If you only knew how often that happens to me :cry:
Anyhow I was just saying I feel for you. Groups like that are so comfortable and fun until someone's feelings get hurt. But as far as I can see you did nothing wrong! It would be nice if you could stay neutral and friendly with both, at different times until they work it out. But if they keep you in it by talking about it you'll end up tired.
There's always lots to learn from situations like this so keep us posted.
Ah, I am moved with your concern. Thank you very much.

Yes, I know I did nothing wrong. However, I can't help but feel guilty because I already saw things coming, but I just ignored it. If I did not fail to acknowledge the problem immediately, I think things would be different.

You see, the problem is that, they do not really talk about the probelm. They are afraid to confront the said problem face to face and so I end up guessing, speculating, analyzing and turning every aspects of the situation upside down. So I end up tired too.

There are times when silence speaks the loudest voice, and the situation I am in right now is just an example.
ew... that's ugly. I wish I could help... but that problem's over my head in so many different ways. 1. the problem involves a girl (already pushing the limits of what I can handle), 2. ISTPs are almost completely foreign to INTPs, and 3. I made the mistake of trying to do what I thought was right with 2 or 3 similar problems that happened about 5 years ago, and am sure I only made things worse. I only said anything at all because I didn't want you to think the lack of responses was due to people not reading/caring... but I can't offer any substantive help at all.
as an INFJ male, i would say that your ISFJ friend really hurt him with the retort

as an INFJ, once we are hurt, it is hard for us to look at someone the same again, with the same amount of trust... and we would separate ourselves from what troubles us...

from the way he acted, it seems she must have openly retorted him... bad No No to an INFJ... hence the reason he would seek out other company... and the reason he would continue to talk to you is because you didn't do anything to personally hurt him...

for yourself, don't blame yourself... it wasn't you or your fault... and you should never feel like you are betraying any friends by other friends you have...
I believe I would have treated her the same way. Once I found out that it was HER that wanted the apology I'd never forgive her, and things could never go back as they were. There's nothing at all you could possibly do or have done. The interaction was between them alone.
I think there is hope for your situation. However, I just want to ask one question. You are all in high school, right? I do not wish to offend, but there is a reason it's called "teenage angst". Teenagers are emerging adults. Depending on the issue, the ISFJ may have overreacted (sounds like a possibility), and the INFJ probably doesn't understand why and is thinking "it wasn't that bad, I wonder if something deeper is going on and I've just laid down the last straw, or if we really don't communicate as well as I thought we did", basically questioning the foundation of the relationship.

there is an obvious miscommunication going on. These two really need to talk and clear things up. Yes, you could totally make it worse, but then . . . how? They are already not talking. Ok, so you could make it so they don't talk to you. But not if you go about it honestly.

I'd go to each of them separately. tell them you love them (as friends, naturally!), tell them you love the other friend they are avoiding. Ask them what they thought of that other person prior to the miscommunication. If they valued that previous friendship, insist that they give it another try. Push for that previous common ground. If it was truly a worthwhile relationship, there should be only a few hurdles to jump before they realize that they're making molehills out of dots.