A indepth Fe explosion about dating

[Virgoess]

I see there are some other threads about dating. Umpteen actually. However, this Fe explosion is personal in nature which makes me think it deserves a thread. Alas, here it goes:

First, I'm a lesbian - so that is out there.

Second, I've been talking to a local lady in email, on the phone for the last month and a half or so. We finally met Friday night. We had dinner at a local restaurant. Ended up being 3 hours of food and talking. I thought we connected well.

It ended as we were leaving, she was going to use the restroom. Then she stopped suddenly and gave me a hug. It wasn't a shallow light hug, I thought it was a deeper hug. She didn't say anything about plans or doing it again. I didn't push anything at all, as I prefer to take my time anyway after my last relationship which almost killed me when it ended (literally).

I told her I'd email her (which I had something I said I'd send her). I did that, and texted her the next morning saying I had a nice time and we should do it again. The response? Nothing. Silence. Crickets chirping.

I hate it. This is where the rant comes in. I can't stand being "hung up" on. I sense she's still processing it, but I need communication and some form of feedback. I know she could be busy. Since when is being nice, ignoring someone? Maybe this is being clingy, perhaps. At least, on a mental plane. I gave feedback, let her know where I stand. How hard it is to say "no thanks" or "lets, but let me get back to you".

This hurts me as well because I open myself to the possibilities. That a deep love is possible. The love I need, the love that feeds my soul - it exists. In all our prior discussions it felt like a connection was there.

I've been crying tonight. Something deep down is hurting. Is it old pain from hurting so bad when I broke up with my ex that lead me to a suicide attempt? Is it the disappointment in that a love I thought for a millisecond a dared to dream existed evaporated in front of my eyes leaving an empty arid wasteland that is my emotional reality.

If you read this I thank you. I feel like such a failure in relationships. Connecting is so hard and so much work. The let down, pain and hurt of being "hung up" on - its made me break out the bottle of gray goose.

I don't know how people date. It makes me want to just clock out. Seriously, it does. The pain is too much.

 

[acd]

Maybe she is just as unnerved in the dating world as you are... Maybe she likes you, but she's not ready for anything.. so she's disappeared.. Or maybe she didn't feel chemistry and she's not being upfront.
Romantic relationships are as frightening as they are rewarding..

My advice? (And I should be taking my own advice here, too!) Is to focus on yourself and enjoy yourself and every beautiful little thing in life.. It is true that there is poetry and beauty in everything, so just focus on that, focus on doing things you enjoy doing that make you feel calm and peaceful and productive...Build yourself up, love yourself, value the friendships and relationships you have, and try not to worry about romance. Don't put all your energy into worrying about what your date is doing or thinking, it won't accomplish anything it will only drag you down. If she calls she calls, if not-- just consider it not worth your while. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is honest and respectful and upfront with them.

 

[slant]

I think the problem with INFJ types when it comes to approaching love is that they tend to think that love is something they need; something that will complete them. I'm not entirely sure on the reliability of my advice, as I don't test it out myself, but I've seen that while it is natural to get excited at the beginning of a relationship or 'the possibility' that being too focused on love in your life can be an entirely different thing.

I don't know if you would agree to say that a lot of what you feel you are lacking in your life is love, but that is what I have found with people who are in similar situations. If you know the reason that your previous relationship failed, it may be helpful to bring it to light because you may not have entirely resolved the internal conflict.

How long have you been out of contact with said person?

 

[acd]

I think the problem with INFJ types when it comes to approaching love is that they tend to think that love is something they need; something that will complete them.

I think that's most people, and not exclusive the the INFJ type.

 

[Virgoess]

Thanks for your replies. I posted above with about 4 shots of Vodka in me. So, the initial post was a bit more darkly exuberant than would normally be otherwise.

That said, my previous relationship (I dated once in 15 years - had a lot to work out in my head). I was with a ESxJ. Fundamentally we were way too far off on "speaking each other's language." Communication was difficult and I wasn't happy. I tried to make it work. As a wise person once said, 'if you ain't talking - you are dead in the water.' My ex had no clue how to communicate with me effectively and I her. Not saying I didn't try, I tried to the dark end. The depth I craved - it was never there. She was extremely high on the extroversion scale. Possibly how it ended is what really impacted the damage level I felt. Lack of closure, it essentually ended as being 'hung up on' plus the infidelity. She was forging a new relationship whilst I was asleep next to her. That was 2 years almost now. I don't bleed actively from it. The scar is still sensitive though. The lesson? Someone whom I can communicate with and they me. That's a serious lesson.

As for the current person, Its been since Friday. So 4 days out now.

Yes, Merrytrees... I plan to go for a hike tommorrow getting out in nature. Trying to get this awful feeling off my shoulders. So I can breathe and break down the building blocks and appreciate the small beautiful things of life.

I don't know if you would agree to say that a lot of what you feel you are lacking in your life is love, but that is what I have found with people who are in similar situations. If you know the reason that your previous relationship failed, it may be helpful to bring it to light because you may not have entirely resolved the internal conflict.

How long have you been out of contact with said person?

 

[CoffeeShopDiva]

I really hate that too. I've had many people just disappear on me when I was starting to get my hopes up.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[Solstice]

I'm sorry to hear this has caused you so much sadness. I hope everything works out. I don't know if it'll actually make you feel better, but I really do understand how that feels... maybe not on the same level, but here's my feeble attempt at connecting:

I once had a friend who was probably the closest friend I've had all of my life. I was so close to him at a time that I could almost tell him anything on my mind and know that it wouldn't affect our friendship. No one else, not even my family, was closer to me ever, and still never was. Then he moved a few towns over, and I noticed he started to change. He just didn't feel like putting a little extra effort to talk to me, or even remember me. We started seeing each other less often, and now, I'm the only one who calls him. I'm not sure if it's worth it, but I can't get over those memories. I don't think I'll find another friend like that for a long time, but I guess that friend doesn't exist anymore. I'm lucky if he even bothers picking up the phone when I call, and even luckier if he agrees to do something...

Best of luck to you with this. I know how dependent we can sometimes be with people we feel close to, or at least closer than with others.

 

[Lune Froide]

I really hate that too. I've had many people just disappear on me when I was starting to get my hopes up.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I'm starting to consider the possibility that what you described happens to me because I give off some sort of alarm pheromone that tells the person i'm secretly, hopelessly way more into what I'm feeling than they are. AKA: "beware it's an INFJ, get outta there!" pheromone.

I get so disappointed in myself when I end up spending any amount of time with a person i'm interested in all absorbed in my thoughts about how well i'm separating my perceived idea of proper mating ritual behavior from what I truly want to be exhibiting... which is usually a hyperactive imaginiation reading into every move, taunting me and begging to blurt out things that ought to be saved for at least a second date.

 

[only1cake]

I see there are some other threads about dating. Umpteen actually. However, this Fe explosion is personal in nature which makes me think it deserves a thread. Alas, here it goes:

First, I'm a lesbian - so that is out there.

Nice! Great to find another on the forum!

I hate it. This is where the rant comes in. I can't stand being "hung up" on. I sense she's still processing it, but I need communication and some form of feedback. I know she could be busy. Since when is being nice, ignoring someone? Maybe this is being clingy, perhaps. At least, on a mental plane. I gave feedback, let her know where I stand. How hard it is to say "no thanks" or "lets, but let me get back to you".

In my opinion, it shouldn't always be construed as "clingy" to want someone to be responsive, especially when it seems to fit into the "social rules" of dating convention. Someone once told me that good dating is a lot like a good game of catch.. you toss the ball and they should toss it back to you (continue over and over again). if that person is taking so long to toss that ball back, of course you can't help but start to wonder. But more often than not, it's the other person's issue that is keeping them from tossing it back right away.

I've been crying tonight. Something deep down is hurting. Is it old pain from hurting so bad when I broke up with my ex that lead me to a suicide attempt? Is it the disappointment in that a love I thought for a millisecond a dared to dream existed evaporated in front of my eyes leaving an empty arid wasteland that is my emotional reality.

it's terrible you feel this way but you must remind yourself that all is not lost, despite the fact that the death of possibility can be a bit painful.

i was rejected very recently by a girl i was seeing for a couple of months (who happened to be INFJ) and had the same streak of hopelessness about the situation, but quickly came to realize it is not productive to blame myself for something that is ultimately probably for the best. it sounds like you took initiative and made your intentions known--and that takes a ridiculous amount of courage.

all we can do is make sure we are healthy, happy and our potential running at 200% ... so that when the CORRECT option presents itself... well. we'll be flippin AMAZING. and you will be.

 

[Grey Wolf]

I'm starting to consider the possibility that what you described happens to me because I give off some sort of alarm pheromone that tells the person i'm secretly, hopelessly way more into what I'm feeling than they are. AKA: "beware it's an INFJ, get outta there!" pheromone.

I get so disappointed in myself when I end up spending any amount of time with a person i'm interested in all absorbed in my thoughts about how well i'm separating my perceived idea of proper mating ritual behavior from what I truly want to be exhibiting... which is usually a hyperactive imaginiation reading into every move, taunting me and begging to blurt out things that ought to be saved for at least a second date.

exactly the same as me haha especially the 2nd part

 

[Questingpoet]

I'm starting to consider the possibility that what you described happens to me because I give off some sort of alarm pheromone that tells the person i'm secretly, hopelessly way more into what I'm feeling than they are. AKA: "beware it's an INFJ, get outta there!" pheromone.

I get so disappointed in myself when I end up spending any amount of time with a person i'm interested in all absorbed in my thoughts about how well i'm separating my perceived idea of proper mating ritual behavior from what I truly want to be exhibiting... which is usually a hyperactive imaginiation reading into every move, taunting me and begging to blurt out things that ought to be saved for at least a second date.

Same for me too, although I have been out of the dating loop for a while. There is nothing my mind loves to obsess more on than relationships. Awareness and practicing controling this will help. We "NF" types have very tender souls, it's best for us to not continually handle them if we can help it.