I joined after prowling the forums here for a few days because of a single topic - "What does it mean "to love"? - but the topic got renewed energy based on my response.. I feel good knowing this is a place were we can all share and talk freely in a welcoming manner. My screen name says alot about me, but basically - I am seeking myself. Learning my TRUE self.. I'll explain this in my next topic, because I'd love to see how many of us have the same issues. But that original topic for me made me want to share something I wrote. In this, Amber is mentioned. Her place is clear and I'm sure you'll hear more about her. She is the reason I am where I am today. So, without further ado, my blog.. copied here for your comments, thoughts and feelings it inspires. I'm interested to see what it stirs up in us all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In one of my favorite spirit-lifting movies, “Love Actually”, there is a scene when a concerned stepfather finally learns what was it that visibly disturbed his 8-year old stepson, Samuel, for weeks. After many tries the boy finally confesses that he is desperately in love with a classmate, a girl called Joanna. The stepfather, who suspected the kid is mourning his late mother, maybe even taking drugs, says he’s a little relieved as he thought it might be something worse. The boy looks up at him amazed and exclaims incredulously “Worse than the total agony of being in love?”. And indeed, he’s right. You live your life unperturbed, going about your business, work, leisure, anything and it’s quite ok. Could be better, but on average, if you live intensely enough – or sufficiently detached – the loneliness becomes bearable, almost natural because as with any constant pain eventually you get used to it.
Then out of the blue the virus attacks. Stability is gone, the roller-coaster of ups and downs starts, from “she loves me” to “she loves me not” every other day based on a phone call, look, smile – or lack of thereof. From plans till grave to dead, sunken certainty of if it was all just your own delusion. There is no pill nor therapy to stop it. Total agony, indeed.
Of course, everybody hopes at the end of all this misery lies the happy ending, the warm stability of mature love that gives strength to fight difficulties, changes houses into homes and beds into shelters of intimacy. And indeed it exists, as everybody who had good enough karma to be re-born into a stable, loving family can attest. Yet, I think, it’s rare, much more so than we would like to believe, much more than those who were fortunate to meet that right someone early enough would tell us. After all, most relationships fall apart eventually as we can all see around us. Few survive to be one of those lovely elderly couples you can see sometimes, different from the others in a way hard to describe but impossible to miss…
Here a proper ending should come, a point to correspond with the good opening, a striking summary or another brilliant show of eloquence. But there is none so far, even though I’ve been sitting over this - the total agony of being unexpectedly struck by someone’s mere presence - hers. I know first hand the rarity that is true love.. no matter how much agony that brings - it is still a complete and utter gift, only able to be given by God.
Amber put it so well in her last letter, that it has been running wildly in my mind since the moment I read her words. "I know if we were to get back together, it will either be an even bigger disaster or something wonderful. but i don't know if i have it in me to find out". When you have that true love.. its agony with or without them. It never ends, no matter how many miles - no matter how many days pass - the total agony of love remains. But it only gets worse when you deny the connection between two hearts. It'll haunt your dreams, your thoughts.. or in my case.. my every moment.
See, my agony is simple. I'm really am in love. Shocking, but purely and completely. A kind of love I have never once seen before, nor shall again. It is the kind where you stop everything for. Change everything for. When you change the food you eat, because it reminds you of her. From a simple Chick-Fil-A sandwich, to any Denny's I try to walk into - it is instant memory. Driving pass our old apartment, the four walls we shared and called home.. I find myself lost in thought.. many times have I sat in that parking lot and wondered how, why and wishing for the correct answers. Asking for the answers. She is in everything I do, from work, to family.. to the mere act of getting in my car.. looking right, and I swear I can still see her sitting there, beside me. I can still feel her all around me.. It's nearly been a month since I felt her lips against mine. Pure Agony.. the total agony of love.
So.. in this agony we call love.. it brings about stupid things.. like lies, pride.. Men and women both run away - in many different fashions. But there comes a point, where you stop, turn around and look.. for the first real time.. and see what you have.. what your running from. That is when we start to see - true love is worth it all. It is so easy to hurt people.. but it takes real love, real devotion to do all you can never to cause that hurt again. In these moments of eye opening truth - massive emotional upheaval.. and the extream ride of the roller coaster - you see its all worth it. The fights, the tears, the laughter, the teasing, the playing.. the smiles.. the love..
If I have learned anything in my other wise short, if not eventful life - is that the storms we weather, the falls we take.. only make us stronger, grounded, and much more aware of the gifts God gives us. This total agony of a gift he grants us, the rare gift.. the unique and worth fighting for gift.. And I honestly can't deny this agony. I crave it like air. Like the substance we all need to live.. she is that for me. My substance.. my air.. my heart.. Oh what an agony this is. What a beautiful, wonderful, blessed agony this is.
When you find your agony.. no matter what mistakes you make along your path.. don't give up. Fight. Learn. Live. The mere-existence of making due in your life.. the being alone, but not caring to look.. its for the bees. This agony.. its such a divine gift.. To become one of the happy unique old couples we see.. the special ones.. hell, even the chance.. its worth everything. She is worth everything.
Go and find it. And when you do - don't let it go. So in parting words - I simply say this.. I love you Amber Nicole Wright. Heart and Soul.. and even though there is a chance for disaster.. here's to the wonderful. Here's to us. Thank you for being in my life, being my partner, my heart - my soul.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
In one of my favorite spirit-lifting movies, “Love Actually”, there is a scene when a concerned stepfather finally learns what was it that visibly disturbed his 8-year old stepson, Samuel, for weeks. After many tries the boy finally confesses that he is desperately in love with a classmate, a girl called Joanna. The stepfather, who suspected the kid is mourning his late mother, maybe even taking drugs, says he’s a little relieved as he thought it might be something worse. The boy looks up at him amazed and exclaims incredulously “Worse than the total agony of being in love?”. And indeed, he’s right. You live your life unperturbed, going about your business, work, leisure, anything and it’s quite ok. Could be better, but on average, if you live intensely enough – or sufficiently detached – the loneliness becomes bearable, almost natural because as with any constant pain eventually you get used to it.
Then out of the blue the virus attacks. Stability is gone, the roller-coaster of ups and downs starts, from “she loves me” to “she loves me not” every other day based on a phone call, look, smile – or lack of thereof. From plans till grave to dead, sunken certainty of if it was all just your own delusion. There is no pill nor therapy to stop it. Total agony, indeed.
Of course, everybody hopes at the end of all this misery lies the happy ending, the warm stability of mature love that gives strength to fight difficulties, changes houses into homes and beds into shelters of intimacy. And indeed it exists, as everybody who had good enough karma to be re-born into a stable, loving family can attest. Yet, I think, it’s rare, much more so than we would like to believe, much more than those who were fortunate to meet that right someone early enough would tell us. After all, most relationships fall apart eventually as we can all see around us. Few survive to be one of those lovely elderly couples you can see sometimes, different from the others in a way hard to describe but impossible to miss…
Here a proper ending should come, a point to correspond with the good opening, a striking summary or another brilliant show of eloquence. But there is none so far, even though I’ve been sitting over this - the total agony of being unexpectedly struck by someone’s mere presence - hers. I know first hand the rarity that is true love.. no matter how much agony that brings - it is still a complete and utter gift, only able to be given by God.
Amber put it so well in her last letter, that it has been running wildly in my mind since the moment I read her words. "I know if we were to get back together, it will either be an even bigger disaster or something wonderful. but i don't know if i have it in me to find out". When you have that true love.. its agony with or without them. It never ends, no matter how many miles - no matter how many days pass - the total agony of love remains. But it only gets worse when you deny the connection between two hearts. It'll haunt your dreams, your thoughts.. or in my case.. my every moment.
See, my agony is simple. I'm really am in love. Shocking, but purely and completely. A kind of love I have never once seen before, nor shall again. It is the kind where you stop everything for. Change everything for. When you change the food you eat, because it reminds you of her. From a simple Chick-Fil-A sandwich, to any Denny's I try to walk into - it is instant memory. Driving pass our old apartment, the four walls we shared and called home.. I find myself lost in thought.. many times have I sat in that parking lot and wondered how, why and wishing for the correct answers. Asking for the answers. She is in everything I do, from work, to family.. to the mere act of getting in my car.. looking right, and I swear I can still see her sitting there, beside me. I can still feel her all around me.. It's nearly been a month since I felt her lips against mine. Pure Agony.. the total agony of love.
So.. in this agony we call love.. it brings about stupid things.. like lies, pride.. Men and women both run away - in many different fashions. But there comes a point, where you stop, turn around and look.. for the first real time.. and see what you have.. what your running from. That is when we start to see - true love is worth it all. It is so easy to hurt people.. but it takes real love, real devotion to do all you can never to cause that hurt again. In these moments of eye opening truth - massive emotional upheaval.. and the extream ride of the roller coaster - you see its all worth it. The fights, the tears, the laughter, the teasing, the playing.. the smiles.. the love..
If I have learned anything in my other wise short, if not eventful life - is that the storms we weather, the falls we take.. only make us stronger, grounded, and much more aware of the gifts God gives us. This total agony of a gift he grants us, the rare gift.. the unique and worth fighting for gift.. And I honestly can't deny this agony. I crave it like air. Like the substance we all need to live.. she is that for me. My substance.. my air.. my heart.. Oh what an agony this is. What a beautiful, wonderful, blessed agony this is.
When you find your agony.. no matter what mistakes you make along your path.. don't give up. Fight. Learn. Live. The mere-existence of making due in your life.. the being alone, but not caring to look.. its for the bees. This agony.. its such a divine gift.. To become one of the happy unique old couples we see.. the special ones.. hell, even the chance.. its worth everything. She is worth everything.
Go and find it. And when you do - don't let it go. So in parting words - I simply say this.. I love you Amber Nicole Wright. Heart and Soul.. and even though there is a chance for disaster.. here's to the wonderful. Here's to us. Thank you for being in my life, being my partner, my heart - my soul.
Last edited:
