A Blog I once wrote.. about True Love. | INFJ Forum

A Blog I once wrote.. about True Love.

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Seeking_Self, Jun 11, 2010.

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  1. Seeking_Self

    Seeking_Self Regular Poster

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    I joined after prowling the forums here for a few days because of a single topic - "What does it mean "to love"? - but the topic got renewed energy based on my response.. I feel good knowing this is a place were we can all share and talk freely in a welcoming manner. My screen name says alot about me, but basically - I am seeking myself. Learning my TRUE self.. I'll explain this in my next topic, because I'd love to see how many of us have the same issues. But that original topic for me made me want to share something I wrote. In this, Amber is mentioned. Her place is clear and I'm sure you'll hear more about her. She is the reason I am where I am today. So, without further ado, my blog.. copied here for your comments, thoughts and feelings it inspires. I'm interested to see what it stirs up in us all.

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    In one of my favorite spirit-lifting movies, “Love Actually”, there is a scene when a concerned stepfather finally learns what was it that visibly disturbed his 8-year old stepson, Samuel, for weeks. After many tries the boy finally confesses that he is desperately in love with a classmate, a girl called Joanna. The stepfather, who suspected the kid is mourning his late mother, maybe even taking drugs, says he’s a little relieved as he thought it might be something worse. The boy looks up at him amazed and exclaims incredulously “Worse than the total agony of being in love?”. And indeed, he’s right. You live your life unperturbed, going about your business, work, leisure, anything and it’s quite ok. Could be better, but on average, if you live intensely enough – or sufficiently detached – the loneliness becomes bearable, almost natural because as with any constant pain eventually you get used to it.

    Then out of the blue the virus attacks. Stability is gone, the roller-coaster of ups and downs starts, from “she loves me” to “she loves me not” every other day based on a phone call, look, smile – or lack of thereof. From plans till grave to dead, sunken certainty of if it was all just your own delusion. There is no pill nor therapy to stop it. Total agony, indeed.

    Of course, everybody hopes at the end of all this misery lies the happy ending, the warm stability of mature love that gives strength to fight difficulties, changes houses into homes and beds into shelters of intimacy. And indeed it exists, as everybody who had good enough karma to be re-born into a stable, loving family can attest. Yet, I think, it’s rare, much more so than we would like to believe, much more than those who were fortunate to meet that right someone early enough would tell us. After all, most relationships fall apart eventually as we can all see around us. Few survive to be one of those lovely elderly couples you can see sometimes, different from the others in a way hard to describe but impossible to miss…

    Here a proper ending should come, a point to correspond with the good opening, a striking summary or another brilliant show of eloquence. But there is none so far, even though I’ve been sitting over this - the total agony of being unexpectedly struck by someone’s mere presence - hers. I know first hand the rarity that is true love.. no matter how much agony that brings - it is still a complete and utter gift, only able to be given by God.

    Amber put it so well in her last letter, that it has been running wildly in my mind since the moment I read her words. "I know if we were to get back together, it will either be an even bigger disaster or something wonderful. but i don't know if i have it in me to find out". When you have that true love.. its agony with or without them. It never ends, no matter how many miles - no matter how many days pass - the total agony of love remains. But it only gets worse when you deny the connection between two hearts. It'll haunt your dreams, your thoughts.. or in my case.. my every moment.

    See, my agony is simple. I'm really am in love. Shocking, but purely and completely. A kind of love I have never once seen before, nor shall again. It is the kind where you stop everything for. Change everything for. When you change the food you eat, because it reminds you of her. From a simple Chick-Fil-A sandwich, to any Denny's I try to walk into - it is instant memory. Driving pass our old apartment, the four walls we shared and called home.. I find myself lost in thought.. many times have I sat in that parking lot and wondered how, why and wishing for the correct answers. Asking for the answers. She is in everything I do, from work, to family.. to the mere act of getting in my car.. looking right, and I swear I can still see her sitting there, beside me. I can still feel her all around me.. It's nearly been a month since I felt her lips against mine. Pure Agony.. the total agony of love.

    So.. in this agony we call love.. it brings about stupid things.. like lies, pride.. Men and women both run away - in many different fashions. But there comes a point, where you stop, turn around and look.. for the first real time.. and see what you have.. what your running from. That is when we start to see - true love is worth it all. It is so easy to hurt people.. but it takes real love, real devotion to do all you can never to cause that hurt again. In these moments of eye opening truth - massive emotional upheaval.. and the extream ride of the roller coaster - you see its all worth it. The fights, the tears, the laughter, the teasing, the playing.. the smiles.. the love..

    If I have learned anything in my other wise short, if not eventful life - is that the storms we weather, the falls we take.. only make us stronger, grounded, and much more aware of the gifts God gives us. This total agony of a gift he grants us, the rare gift.. the unique and worth fighting for gift.. And I honestly can't deny this agony. I crave it like air. Like the substance we all need to live.. she is that for me. My substance.. my air.. my heart.. Oh what an agony this is. What a beautiful, wonderful, blessed agony this is.

    When you find your agony.. no matter what mistakes you make along your path.. don't give up. Fight. Learn. Live. The mere-existence of making due in your life.. the being alone, but not caring to look.. its for the bees. This agony.. its such a divine gift.. To become one of the happy unique old couples we see.. the special ones.. hell, even the chance.. its worth everything. She is worth everything.

    Go and find it. And when you do - don't let it go. So in parting words - I simply say this.. I love you Amber Nicole Wright. Heart and Soul.. and even though there is a chance for disaster.. here's to the wonderful. Here's to us. Thank you for being in my life, being my partner, my heart - my soul.
     
    #1 Seeking_Self, Jun 11, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2010
  2. yepunsarang

    yepunsarang Community Member

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    Seeking_self, this is incredibly beautiful...it's bringing tears to my eyes. Isn't it such a wonder, such a stunning moment when you realize such things? Indeed, I think it's a blessing to realize such things at such a young age (myself included). There are many who have no idea what true love is. I think i've been looking for true love all of my short 20 years of living. That's why I haven't let myself love until this year--- I crave and want that true love (something others really don't want because they don't care, understand, or know).

    I must ask you though, have your thoughts changed between the time you've written out that blog entry and today? What would you tell your younger self about love and what it is?

    I must wonder too---whether true love is something to be discovered gently, slowly...or if it's something that is known instantly. Perhaps it depends all on maturity levels? How willing two people are to be completely open with each other?
     
  3. OP
    Seeking_Self

    Seeking_Self Regular Poster

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    Thank you. And it is a wonderful thing isn't it? :)

    No they haven't changed at all. Amber is my soulmate, my true love, my everything. And even though she and I aren't together - I'm fighting for that love.. (we aren't together due to my own issues and faults) If anything, it has proven the words true.

    As to what I'd tell my younger self.. wow - where to start.. lol Don't be blind.. follow your heart.. BE OPEN, HONEST and STOP F*'n UP! haha.

    Most of what I know about love has been, well.. just there. My parents sure as hell didn't teach it to me.. Both single while I was growing up - I had no reference to base an honest to god "Love" on.. I know it sounds weird, but its the foundation of my life. I can see it, feel it.. its in everything. It was a knowledge that I just.. knew. In my heart. If any of that makes sense to anyone..

    True love isn't a gentle or slow thing.. our PERCEPTION of it can be.. our willingness to accept it.. but, its either there, or it isn't. With Amber I knew it the first time I saw her photograph online. I kid you not. The overwelming feeling of been drawn to that person.. My very soul felt like it was being pulled to her. I got the guts to write her, and we spoke here and there, but neither of us could stay away.. we watched each other's statuses, just being curious to know what their day was like.. She could feel me.. literally. I have a bad kidney on my left side.. she never felt it, ever - till the day we meet.. and she would only feel it, when I did. I never told her, and we didn't need to be in the same room, or even close to each other.. Matter of fact.. she felt it before we meet in person. It is there. Point blank in your face - there. But.. we run from it.. we hide.. we deny it.. its a simple truth. Facing it, baring your soul to it.. to them.. takes almost all we have.. Most people are to scared of getting hurt to accept it.

    I'm really glad you all like my posts. They are me.. true to self. For once.. lol This forum is part of my way to create new habits of being open to people, friends, loved ones and new acquaintances alike. So thank you all for reading and posting. :)
     
  4. Gaze

    Donor

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    All i have to say is wow . . . what an image of love. :smile:
     
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  5. OP
    Seeking_Self

    Seeking_Self Regular Poster

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    Honestly, I just wish more people had a view close to this. Or understood love for that manner.. wonder what the rest of the forum thinks about love.. what's your stance?
     
  6. invisible

    On Holiday

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    true love is different for different people. for some people it might be passionate and immediate but others might only consider it to be true after the intensity of those feelings has passed. yet other people might not believe in a "truth" of love at all.

    it doesn't have to be painful to live without an all-consuming relationship to one other individual. life can be as beautiful without that. some people might find it liberating and empowering to stand alone. others might prefer to perceive true intimacy as something that can only be shared between friends and not lovers.

    i'm not writing these things in an attempt to devalidate your experience. it's perfectly valid. but other ways of being are just as valid and meaningful, too.
     
  7. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    This is definitely in the wrong category. Put it under 'writing' or something.
     
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  8. jamesbrush

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    These Story is very imaginative. There is big difference between imagination and reality. Though the story is good but their but these can't happen in the real life.

    all the best for the next story man...
     
  9. OP
    Seeking_Self

    Seeking_Self Regular Poster

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    That isn't a story.. and its actually my real life views and actions I'm writing about.. but ty.. I think.
     
  10. skydancer

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    Hi Seeking Self,

    I joined this forum so I could respond to this post - at 54 years old I suddenly find myself exactly in the same position as you. I met him but we both ran scared and now we're apart and it's worse agony that I've ever experienced. This is definitely not a fantasy. It's something quite different to 'romantic' love. It was instant and it isn't fading with separation (as usually happens when it's not 'real'). It's very very odd in fact.

    I know this is a love beyond space and time. (My rational mind is pissing itself laughing at me but I don't care any more)

    I am perfectly happy, successful, getting on with my life - not 'lovesick' in the sense of obsession, but simply aware that now I know this person is in the world, I cannot let him go even though I have really really tried. I surrender. The Universe will either bring us together or not. There isn't too much I can do because it's bigger than me and not in my control.

    SS - I never believed it before but now it's happened, I realise that true love really does exist!

    I have no advice for you other than to visualise yourself together - love chose you two so there are no obstacles. Read Rumi.
     
  11. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    Your view on love is kinda similar to the views I hold. So..yeah. +1
     
  12. yepunsarang

    yepunsarang Community Member

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    I'm awestruck by both of your posts :). It's much chance meeting people who are "good"---people who you think you may be able to spend a lifetime with. Some people say you've only got a certain amount of time---and within that time, you can either meet or not meet someone. Luck has a lot to do with it I realize...

    that's made me think about marriage and all. Some are lucky to find good spouse-material within that timeframe. But others are not quite as lucky...

    But of course...both of you are beyond that :p Good luck guys...go fight for it!!!
     
  13. OshunsDaughter

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    +1 more then :)

    But for my truth, for the 'once in a life time thing'; I don't think that at all now. I have to agree with my man; it's about a once every 10 years or so thing for me.

    Real situation:
    My hubby and I, I knew about him before I knew exactly who he was. <long woo woo story> I love him and love him powerfully, in the cells of my being kind of thing.

    Recently, I won't say I 'fell' in love per say; that would seem to insinuate that I didn't see it, didn't want, or it was accidental. I wanted to be open to another 'right one for me' person but the who of it was certainly a surprise. Also surprising to me is that I feel about him the same way I did about my hubby in the beginning (first year or so); I didn't think for some reason, that the powerful attraction could feel that solid. I am continually amazed by the human capacity to love :m032:

    Just so you know, everyone involved knows about each other. In point of fact, the 3 of us have been to 2 family functions together.

    <ok, putting on the flame retardant catsuit now>
     
    #13 OshunsDaughter, Jun 29, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2010
  14. Norton

    Norton XXXX

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    I believe you because I have true love. I am lucky beyond measure.
     
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