"8 Lessons I've Learned in 12 Years of Marriage"

[Gaze]

Do you think this is a good list of traits to maintain marriage or long term relationships? For those who are or were married, how do you relate to this list? What else would you add or take away from this list of lessons?

Disclaimer: This is not a thread about whether you believe in marriage or whether you think people should or should not get married. This is more about what people do or don't do in a marriage which affects whether it is successful and lasts.

8 Lessons I've Learned in 12 Years of Marriage

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jessi...iage_b_7036026.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 Posted: 04/10/2015 10:30 am EDT Updated: 3 hours ago

Jessica Dimas

• 
  This past weekend was our wedding anniversary and I've been a bit reflective. I've learned a lot of lessons in my relatively short, 12 years of marriage; the usuals -- like not saying the "D" word, accepting that my husband doesn't always flush the toilet, and that throwing wooden spoons at walls while cooking makes more work for me than trying to prove how mad I was. But there are a few important lessons I've learned (mostly the hard way) that have truly helped save my marriage countless times.
  1. Marriage is a cycle.
  There will be good times, and there will be bad times. Ups and downs. Hills and valleys. Don't think that when you're trudging through a valley, your marriage wasn't meant to be or that you two don't have what it takes to make it work. Hard times are normal! I've learned that these are the times I grew to know my husband on a deeper level. I learned valuable lessons when things weren't going good for us. See it as a time to learn and grow and know that things will get better again. No marriage stays awesome 24/7.
  2. You'll have horrible thoughts.
  There have been many times that my husband made my blood boil and all I could think were things like "I can't be with him," "I must've been wrong about the kind of guy he was," "I wish I could just leave." Just because you think these thoughts does not mean your marriage is doomed or wasn't meant to be. It's normal to get extremely upset and have these kinds of thoughts flash into your mind. Just don't dwell there.
  3. Marriage takes work, especially after kids.
  Throughout the years, I've noticed the times my husband and I grew most distant were the times when we weren't putting each other as a first priority. Like a flower needs water, a marriage needs attention. It starts to wilt when the two partners don't take time to focus on one another. This is easier in the first few years when you're still riding that "love high," but several years down the road or after you've got very young children to take care of, it can become real work. At times since having kids, my husband and I have felt like nothing more than roommates who give a passing "hello" and "goodbye" every day. (Alternatively, this is also the time you'll find out what real love looks like).For us, making time for each other every night, even just to watch a show, helped us to start to reconnect. Doing things we used to do before kids, like play-wrestle each other and go on dates were also things we started doing again, and it helped so much! It's the little things after you have kids that help you stay connected to your spouse.
  4. You WILL mess up.
  And your spouse WILL mess up. Forgive, forgive, forgive. And then forgive again. Don't hold grudges, don't bring up their past mistakes (especially after they've apologized and you've forgiven them), don't dwell in the past, and don't expect your spouse to be a fairytale prince/princess. That's not reality so let it go before it destroys your marriage. Humans make mistakes and that's how they learn to do better. No marriage is perfect behind closed doors; everyone has their issues and your marriage is no different. When you accept that they are flawed and you are flawed, you can drop all of the unrealistic expectations on both of your parts.
  "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Ruth Bell Graham
  5. You don't have to be joined at the hip.
  I think at first in our marriage, I just didn't really get the memo that we could have different hobbies and time for ourselves. And then when I realized that having time to myself and doing the things I've always loved totally recharged me and brought to life within me the person he fell in love with, I saw how beneficial it is to do some things apart from one another. Let your spouse keep their friends and family... don't hog them. You're not the only person who loves them. And even though you're married, you're still two individuals who have some different interests; it's okay to still "do you" after you're married!
  6. Don't assume you know what they're thinking.
  Ohhh man, this one has probably been my biggest downfall. And it's only taken a million times of being proven wrong to finally get into my head that, *gasp* I don't know what my husband is thinking!! Yes, I'm actually not a mind reader, even though all these years I could've sworn on it. Every single time I've been certain my husband was thinking something negative, turns out he wasn't. I pegged him for guilty hundreds of times without concrete proof, just basing it on my "sixth sense" and my social awareness "skills". My best piece of advice -- just ask them. Don't make up all kinds of elaborate scenarios in your head about what could possibly be going on, what he really meant by that comment, etc. Just ask. Explain the way they've made you feel and let them let you know what they really meant/said/did/didn't do/etc. Nine times out of 10 you're going to be wrong. Assume the best of your partner.
  7. Respect him, cherish her.
  I know this has been written everywhere under the sun, but I've realized this to be true for our marriage. My husband wants to feel respected and I want to feel cherished. Here are the definitions:
  Respect: esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person. He wants you to see and appreciate what he does for you and your family. He wants to be treated as if you think something of him.
  Cherish: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for. She wants to feel loved and special in your eyes. She wants you to see what she does for you and your family and for you to appreciate and admire her for it.
  After writing that out, it's pretty obvious we both just want to be acknowledged and loved. Hard to do sometimes in the daily grind of marriage, but really our core needs are very basic.
  8. See the good.
  This is the best piece of advice I've received so far in marriage and it seems way too simple and trivial to actually work, but it does. When you're going through a rough patch in your marriage and you and your spouse just can't seem to connect, what you do is (every day) take note of all the things they do that you love. Either mentally or on paper. Think of at least 10 good qualities about your spouse every day. Even if it's things like "he took the trash out," and hold back any bitter thoughts like "even though I take it out every other time." Just focus on the good. Ten things a day. Every time I've done this, my heart started to soften and I started seeing him through loving (instead of accusatory) eyes. And once they feel your positive and loving vibes towards them, they'll also soften.
  So to recap: the hard times bring you closer, you'll question your marriage at times, your relationship needs watering, forgive constantly, maintain your own interests, you aren't a mind reader, respect and cherish one another, and always, always look for the good.
  This post originally appeared on the blog Pig & Dac. Follow Pig & Dac on Facebook to receive updates.

 

[LoobyLoo1981]

Agree with every point on that list! But I don't agree that it's right for it to be that way. I was married for 3 years and was with the chap for 10 in total. It did seem like a cycle and I constantly had horrible thoughts about him. Constantly cried. Constantly wondered why it wasn't enough and I left because of that. I was certain that I would be happier alone.

I'm not married to my current partner although I feel more 'married' to him than I ever did to my ex. After more than a year together not one of those points in that list applies, because it never needs to (and we have a lot of external challenges in our relationship that exert pressure).

After discovering our personalities though (he is an INTJ) I understand more than ever why we work and why that list will never apply. We just get each other. So I'd add an extra point... figure out your personalities and understand each other better so that when you do clash, you know why you're clashing. It was like a light bulb went on for both of us when we discovered MBTI

 

[Gaze]

After discovering our personalities though (he is an INTJ) I understand more than ever why we work and why that list will never apply. We just get each other. So I'd add an extra point... figure out your personalities and understand each other better so that when you do clash, you know why you're clashing. It was like a light bulb went on for both of us when we discovered MBTI

I agree that understanding your partner's or spouses personality can make a huge difference. However, that alone may also not be enough. Both parties have to want each other, want the relationship to work, and be willing to do something about it. If only one wants it, or only wants it when it's done their way, then that's likely to make it difficult for anyone to want to continue.

 

[poeyinok]

I was married for 12 years, and have now been divorced for 6, and I agree with this list, especially the part about not being attached at the hip. I went straight from living with my parents to getting married and living with my husband so I didn't have any break of being on my own until I got divorced (and technically I'm still not alone as I have two teenage kids who live with me full time). Now that I've been single I appreciate personal time and time to do my own thing, which unfortunately has caused me to end some relationships where the other person was determined to be "up my butt" as I put it, but I know in the long run those clingy and often controlling relationships would make me miserable.

That said, I also think some of the things listed above can be signs that things are wrong as well. As an INFJ, you should go with your gut, and if things feel wrong, either address them and fix them, or wake up and see what is really going on, you might need to make major changes. I always say I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the sanity of divorce, because as sad as it is, sometimes it's the right thing to do. I spent a lot of time in my marriage feeling that something was wrong, my gut telling me things were bad, but my ex telling me it was all in my head while he emotionally abused me. It really messed me up for a long time, it turned me into an awful person, and it was hell. If I had trusted my gut, I'd still have gotten hurt but I wouldn't have suffered as much, and I wouldn't have hurt my ex as much as I did either.

Marriage is hard work though, and people who make it look easy always amaze me. I'd love to have that kind of relationship someday.

 

[LoobyLoo1981]

Both parties have to want each other, want the relationship to work, and be willing to do something about it. If only one wants it, or only wants it when it's done their way, then that's likely to make it difficult for anyone to want to continue.

Absolutely! That was part of the problem for me, I can only describe my ex-husband's attitude as apathetic. I did everything I could to make it work but it wasn't until I sat him down and said "I'm leaving" that he realised I was serious. Sadly he then started behaving the way he should have always behaved but by then it was too late for me. I don't know if its because I am an INFJ but it was like I had pressed a button inside my head, the decision was made and off I went. Even when he was crying and crumbling in front of me, the sympathy had gone.

Communication is such a big thing and you're right, you have to want one another and not be complacent, and really listen to what your partner is saying. I will never settle for anything less now, life is too short to waste like that.

 

[LoobyLoo1981]

I spent a lot of time in my marriage feeling that something was wrong, my gut telling me things were bad, but my ex telling me it was all in my head while he emotionally abused me. It really messed me up for a long time, it turned me into an awful person, and it was hell. If I had trusted my gut, I'd still have gotten hurt but I wouldn't have suffered as much, and I wouldn't have hurt my ex as much as I did either.

You're a really strong person to get through something like that for so long. It takes a lot of courage to see it and then even more to do something about it. I can't imagine what it must have been like with children too.

 

[Gaze]

I was married for 12 years, and have now been divorced for 6, and I agree with this list, especially the part about not being attached at the hip. I went straight from living with my parents to getting married and living with my husband so I didn't have any break of being on my own until I got divorced (and technically I'm still not alone as I have two teenage kids who live with me full time). Now that I've been single I appreciate personal time and time to do my own thing, which unfortunately has caused me to end some relationships where the other person was determined to be "up my butt" as I put it, but I know in the long run those clingy and often controlling relationships would make me miserable.

That said, I also think some of the things listed above can be signs that things are wrong as well. As an INFJ, you should go with your gut, and if things feel wrong, either address them and fix them, or wake up and see what is really going on, you might need to make major changes. I always say I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the sanity of divorce, because as sad as it is, sometimes it's the right thing to do. I spent a lot of time in my marriage feeling that something was wrong, my gut telling me things were bad, but my ex telling me it was all in my head while he emotionally abused me. It really messed me up for a long time, it turned me into an awful person, and it was hell. If I had trusted my gut, I'd still have gotten hurt but I wouldn't have suffered as much, and I wouldn't have hurt my ex as much as I did either.

Marriage is hard work though, and people who make it look easy always amaze me. I'd love to have that kind of relationship someday.

Thanks for sharing. Yes, very significant lesson. As you've clearly explained, you are also an individual in the relationship. You can't lose yourself or feel as if you become invisible just because you have a partnership with someone. Your feelings of self worth not just your commitment to the relationship are important. You also have to take care of yourself, and know your worth and value as a person, and know you deserve to be treated well. No one should feel obligated to put up with abusive treatment in the name of making it work. Putting up with abuse is not love. I think many people have felt pressured to feel as if they had to prove their commitment to the relationship by tolerating abuse whether emotional, verbal, or physical because they felt it was expected to show their loyalty. I think it stems from the belief that loyalty and being committed is the most important thing in marriage. When it seems both people showing love and being loved is more important. If partners don't care about each other's feelings or thoughts, then there can't be much of a partnership, much less marriage. Marriage should never be something where partners feel obligated to put up with treatment that devalues the person and their relationship.

 

[Erlian]

This seems like common sense life advice. But then tailored to marriage.

Pretty much all correct nevertheless.

 

[Gaze]

This seems like common sense life advice. But then tailored to marriage.

Pretty much all correct nevertheless.

Just keep in mind that what may seem common sense to some would be new or not apparent to someone else. We don't all see things in the same way, especially if we have different experiences of the world. Most people don't get formal training or education in how to have a successful relationship. Most people simply learn and adapt from their experiences, but not everyone's experiences are the same. We also, as someone else said, don't all have the same personalities so we may assume everyone sees things as we do when they see them quite differently, which doesn't make them wrong, but may make it harder for us to understand and appreciate their feelings or perspective. Understanding a partner and learning how to give each person what they need is one of the hardest things in any relationship, but it has to be a consideration if the relationship is going to work. Can't assume everyone should and will know how things should work when maybe they don't have the benefit of experience or didn't have the chance to learn from someone else. Some things are not common sense. If they were commonly taught to everyone, and everyone were taught from the same experiences with the same values and beliefs, then yes it would be common. But what is common knowledge varies across experiences.

 

[Erlian]

Just keep in mind that what may seem common sense to some would be new or not apparent to someone else. We don't all see things in the same way, especially if we have different experiences of the world. Most people don't get formal training or education in how to have a successful relationship. Most people simply learn and adapt from their experiences, but not everyone's experiences are the same. We also, as someone else said, don't all have the same personalities so we may assume everyone sees things as we do when they see them quite differently, which doesn't make them wrong, but may make it harder for us to understand and appreciate their feelings or perspective. Understanding a partner and learning how to give each person what they need is one of the hardest things in any relationship, but it has to be a consideration if the relationship is going to work. Can't assume everyone should and will know how things should work when maybe they don't have the benefit of experience or didn't have the chance to learn from someone else. Some things are not common sense. If they were commonly taught to everyone, and everyone were taught from the same experiences with the same values and beliefs, then yes it would be common. But what is common knowledge varies across experiences.

You're right. I guess I wrote it because of the wish that it was common sense. Maybe some weird sense of hope that it would become truth if I said so
I think it should definitely be(come) common sense. Not everything on this list applies to the following, but I still think there should be some kind of happiness class somewhere on high school or something. I believe that a lot of people can simply learn to be happy.

 

[INFJ16]

(@pics [MENTION=12103]Erlian[/MENTION] )

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[Gaze]

You're right. I guess I wrote it because of the wish that it was common sense. Maybe some weird sense of hope that it would become truth if I said so
I think it should definitely be(come) common sense. Not everything on this list applies to the following, but I still think there should be some kind of happiness class somewhere on high school or something. I believe that a lot of people can simply learn to be happy.

I agree with you that these principles seem pretty reasonable and maybe we take them for granted. Hopefully we become more aware especially when people share their experiences. A happiness class in school would be a cool idea.

 

[Matt3737]

I'm unmarried, but my grandparents have been married for over 50 years and my parents just over 30. While I think there are nuances within any of the points given, overall, I think they're right.

My grandmother got a kick out of telling me how young and naive she was when they first married, thinking that he was lord and master and how obedient she felt she had to be until the day she thought, "To hell with this!"

My grandparents are my idols. They're the most down to earth, humble, balanced, stable, kind, caring, perfect people I've ever known.

 

[Solongo]

I agree with all of the points but it is very general. Relationships as a whole requires a LOT of WORK!! with marriage or without marriage. Everything depends on the individuals involved. because of this people who are self centered or not mature enough to put somebody else before themselves should not be part of a relationship. Relationship in the end is about giving and receiving on many levels. Nowadays people go into relationships to 'fill' a hole or something and feel disappointed when they do not receive what they need or fail to give what their partner needs. the list should also have mentioned that it is important to have very similar goals in life. It's very difficult to make things work if the people in the relationship do not share a same vision for their future together.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

[MENTION=1669]pics[/MENTION] - been meaning to respond to this but not had the chance until now. I would also add the following (things I/we personally learnt along the way and recognise as being vital for a healthy marriage).

Knowing each other’s primary love language — Need I say any more?

Being spiritually connected — Hubby was an atheist when I met him and in all honesty (regardless of how incredibly amazing he is), I would never have married him if I had not had prior knowledge that at some point he was going to become a Christian. My faith is by far the biggest thing in my life and so to be unequally yoked in marriage would’ve caused “life issues” to become more problematic than necessary. Spiritual connection in no way protects us from “life issues” however it does help to be on the same page which means we can co-operatively try and work together towards finding a solution.

Being ourselves privately and in public — I know couples who show a pretence of being together in social settings for the sake of keeping up appearances. It comes naturally to us to keep it real and genuine (even when you're mad at each other). :tongue1:

Never go to bed without resolving a misunderstanding - Regardless of whether we have to discuss things into the early hours of the morning (and lose precious sleep!) — we just don’t do it. Even during the day — we don’t leave things hanging in the air or pretend as though something never happened. We say sorry often and it keeps us humble and our ego in check.

Constantly challenging each other — We both have a mind-set of never settling for the “same old same old” but constantly moving forward in our relationship. We can respectfully agree to disgree. As much as it feels good to feel supported by your partner, we are also both comfortable with not needing to do this because it’s what we expect or should do. When we think differently about a particular subject/situation we’ll take the time to talk openly, challenge those views and try to understand each other’s perspective.

Never take the easy option — Learnt that if you both put in the hard work (sooner rather than later) it pays off (not only for us but others benefit too).

Maintain healthy boundaries — Whether married or not, there will always be ex’s or interested parties trying to intervene. Using wisdom in knowing how to handle these delicate situations comes with experience. There are also people who have unhealthy patterns of behaviour (in particular those who suffer from NPD) whose sole purpose is to prey on other people/relationship rather than working on themselves.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

 

[Solongo]

@pics - been meaning to respond to this but not had the chance until now. I would also add the following (things I/we personally learnt along the way and recognise as being vital for a healthy marriage).

Knowing each other’s primary love language – Need I say any more?

Being spiritually connected – Hubby was an atheist when I met him and in all honesty (regardless of how incredibly amazing he is), I would never have married him if I had not had prior knowledge that at some point he was going to become a Christian. My faith is by far the biggest thing in my life and so to be unequally yoked in marriage would’ve caused “life issues” to become more problematic than necessary. Spiritual connection in no way protects us from “life issues” however it does help to be on the same page which means we can co-operatively try and work together towards finding a solution.

Being ourselves privately and in public – I know couples who show a pretence of being together in social settings for the sake of keeping up appearances. It comes naturally to us to keep it real and genuine (even when you're mad at each other). :tongue1:

Never go to bed without resolving a misunderstanding - Regardless of whether we have to discuss things into the early hours of the morning (and lose precious sleep!) – we just don’t do it. Even during the day – we don’t leave things hanging in the air or pretend as though something never happened. We say sorry often and it keeps us humble and our ego in check.

Constantly challenging each other – We both have a mind-set of never settling for the “same old same old” but constantly moving forward in our relationship. We can respectfully agree to disgree. As much as it feels good to feel supported by your partner, we are also both comfortable with not needing to do this because it’s what we expect or should do. When we think differently about a particular subject/situation we’ll take the time to talk openly, challenge those views and try to understand each other’s perspective.

Never take the easy option – Learnt that if you both put in the hard work (sooner rather than later) it pays off (not only for us but others benefit too).

Maintain healthy boundaries – Whether married or not, there will always be ex’s or interested parties trying to intervene. Using wisdom in knowing how to handle these delicate situations comes with experience. There are also people who have unhealthy patterns of behaviour (in particular those who suffer from NPD) whose sole purpose is to prey on other people/relationship rather than working on themselves.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

agreed! - especially about the spiritual connection - i undervalued the importance of a spiritual connection when i was younger. But indeed it adds a feeling of being connected on a whole another level and i think it helps strengthen the bond.

 

[Stu]

In a marriage there are three idividuals that need equal consideration, both spouses and the marriage itself.

 

[Dohavior]

Just keep in mind that what may seem common sense to some would be new or not apparent to someone else. We don't all see things in the same way, especially if we have different experiences of the world. Most people don't get formal training or education in how to have a successful relationship. Most people simply learn and adapt from their experiences, but not everyone's experiences are the same. We also, as someone else said, don't all have the same personalities so we may assume everyone sees things as we do when they see them quite differently, which doesn't make them wrong, but may make it harder for us to understand and appreciate their feelings or perspective. Understanding a partner and learning how to give each person what they need is one of the hardest things in any relationship, but it has to be a consideration if the relationship is going to work. Can't assume everyone should and will know how things should work when maybe they don't have the benefit of experience or didn't have the chance to learn from someone else. Some things are not common sense. If they were commonly taught to everyone, and everyone were taught from the same experiences with the same values and beliefs, then yes it would be common. But what is common knowledge varies across experiences.

Same knowledge yet different context and perspective just extrapolate and exaggerate to find that you have been walking in a circle this whole time. That is the beauty of Intuition seeing just how fucked you really are in every situation. Moral of this story: "Depend on others yet never rely on them."

 

[jupiterswoon]

Thanks for sharing. Yes, very significant lesson. As you've clearly explained, you are also an individual in the relationship. You can't lose yourself or feel as if you become invisible just because you have a partnership with someone. Your feelings of self worth not just your commitment to the relationship are important. You also have to take care of yourself, and know your worth and value as a person, and know you deserve to be treated well. No one should feel obligated to put up with abusive treatment in the name of making it work. Putting up with abuse is not love. I think many people have felt pressured to feel as if they had to prove their commitment to the relationship by tolerating abuse whether emotional, verbal, or physical because they felt it was expected to show their loyalty. I think it stems from the belief that loyalty and being committed is the most important thing in marriage. When it seems both people showing love and being loved is more important. If partners don't care about each other's feelings or thoughts, then there can't be much of a partnership, much less marriage. Marriage should never be something where partners feel obligated to put up with treatment that devalues the person and their relationship.

Very succinctly put.