[INFJ] I hurt an INFJ very bad
- Thread starter feelsbad
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I'll be the bard who tags along to chronicle your shennanigans I guess.
@feelsbad
It's 4:40 AM here and I'm a bit out of it, so not gonna write a long post. I don't know what a hacker job on the darknet entails, but get a real -legal- job. I can only imagine the idea that you as a person and what you do is something that you need to hide. Work to change that, even if it'll be just a menial job for now. Try to get out and work with people, get some perspective. And stop frequenting 4chan.
As for her, life will move on if you let it. Find something to fill your time, and things will move on.
It's 4:40 AM here and I'm a bit out of it, so not gonna write a long post. I don't know what a hacker job on the darknet entails, but get a real -legal- job. I can only imagine the idea that you as a person and what you do is something that you need to hide. Work to change that, even if it'll be just a menial job for now. Try to get out and work with people, get some perspective. And stop frequenting 4chan.
As for her, life will move on if you let it. Find something to fill your time, and things will move on.
Happy Phantom
Well-known member
I don't know what to think about all this now after reading all your posts.
Maybe there is no hope for me like you said because I'm mentally ill. Otherwise why you say all this? Do you really think it gives me hope if you tell me how bad I am while saying I will never change?
I want to change me behavior and you just tell me I can't. I see it was inappropriate to defend my behavior towards her, but I seriously didn't know it hit her that hard, because she first said "it's okay. I will forgive you." so I thought she forgave me for real. How could I know she didn't?
It's totally my own fault what I did, but I just don't know how to change seriously. Of course I wouldn't do something like this again.
I just don't know what to do know. I feel empty and everything is painful. I don't want her to be hurt because of me. :/
Why couldn't I think about this when I did this. I hate myself so hard...
Maybe there is no hope for me like you said because I'm mentally ill. Otherwise why you say all this? Do you really think it gives me hope if you tell me how bad I am while saying I will never change?
I want to change me behavior and you just tell me I can't. I see it was inappropriate to defend my behavior towards her, but I seriously didn't know it hit her that hard, because she first said "it's okay. I will forgive you." so I thought she forgave me for real. How could I know she didn't?
It's totally my own fault what I did, but I just don't know how to change seriously. Of course I wouldn't do something like this again.
I just don't know what to do know. I feel empty and everything is painful. I don't want her to be hurt because of me. :/
Why couldn't I think about this when I did this. I hate myself so hard...
You already hurt her. Let her heal and move on. Remember it as a lesson for the future.
Edit: It's like telling the forums that you wanted to make a great omelette but you intentionally dropped your eggs which miraculously didn't break, and then you intentionally dropped them again, where they rolled off of a bridge into a river. We're not trying to be mean in telling you that you will not be making an omelette with those eggs. We're being honest. You may make an awesome omelette at some point in the future, but definitely not now, and definitely not with those eggs.
Edit: It's like telling the forums that you wanted to make a great omelette but you intentionally dropped your eggs which miraculously didn't break, and then you intentionally dropped them again, where they rolled off of a bridge into a river. We're not trying to be mean in telling you that you will not be making an omelette with those eggs. We're being honest. You may make an awesome omelette at some point in the future, but definitely not now, and definitely not with those eggs.
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It's my own fault. I should have treated the eggs more carefully. Now they are destroyed. It feels really really bad. Seriously.
If it makes you feel any better, you did not hurt an INFJ very bad. You actually hurt an INFJ very BADLY. Sorry, but typos and bad grammar in thread titles should result in infractions. When I become a mod, any thread title typos will result in perma ban. You have now been warned.
Jesus Fucking christ OP. You're not mentally ill, you're a selfish and a narcissist.
I'm not usually such a jerk in my replies, but you're legit pissing me off. I've dated too many people like you.
I have no compassion or sympathy for you because this thread isn't about her or how to fix yourself and what you did. It's a giant ass pity party. You're looking for us to tell you you're not so bad and give you tips on how to wiggle out of what YOU created.
All I've read in this thread is excuses. All you did in your so called "relationship" is things that suited you and attempted to make YOU look good. ie. lying about what you do for a living, using someone else's personal information to make you look good to other people on the internet. It's pathetic.
You don't really love or care about this person. You appear to be an emotional vampire, like all the other narcissists I've either dated or been spawned from. I don't see anything about how you care for this person or how you love them or what you;ve done for them. It's all about YOU. That's all I'm hearing. You gain something from this relationship. She makes you feel good or fills some need in you. I don't see it being reciprocal from what you say at all. You're also being needy as hell.
I gave 2 1/2 years to a narcissist. I loved him and I kept letting him back in time and time again even though he didn't prioritise me AT ALL, lied ALL the time, forced himself on me because of what HE wanted and tried to get me to sleep with him while he was fucking other people behind my back. He wore my self esteem down to nothing which is how I was such a fool to keep letting him back in. By you forcing yourself on this person in such a manner you run the risk of doing that, but fortunately for her because this is only online it's not as likely. I WILL tell you that 5 years on this ex boyfrend of mine still gets in touch every 6 months to tell me I'm the love of his life, he's unhappy and can't live without me, he didn't know what he had till he was gone and he regrets it. Of course I've healed and don't give a fuck, but it's exactly what you are doing. It's pathetic and needy. And narcissistic. Stop that. She's just going to hate you more, not even hate you, she's going to pity you and ultimately think you're pathetic. Take it from someone who's been there, respect her and leave her alone FOREVER.
It's making me angry to read this. Ooooh there's no hope for me. I'm too far gone. Grow up. Seek help. Get a therapist. Recognise your narcissistic and selfish tendencies and make a serious effort NOT TO ACT ON THEM. Feeling sorry for yourself is setting yourself up for a life of misery. Acknowledge the shitty things you've done, the mistakes you've made and put yourself in someone else's shoes. Stop thinking about yourself and your own feelings and start thinking about HERS. If you care about her as much as you claim to, you'll do this.
First of all: Sorry. But English is not my first language. I'm still learning it. So stop attacking me.
You don't even know me. I'm diagnosed with several mental disorders. And for your information: I'm in psychotherapy since about 2 years now. Also I have been in psych ward several times. So don't tell me I'm not mentally ill.
I don't know who you dated but from my experience, I met a few narcissist in real life and online, they were are super arrogant and believed they are the best human on earth. I think there's a difference, because I also suffer from major depression. I don't want to excuse, but it's just a fact and I have very low self-esteem.
You're not the only one who has no sympathy for me. Tbh no one ever had. And no I really would like to change, believe it or not. I cried when I read this, ok?
She said I'm not too needy, asked her several times and she said it's okay. Also you are right. I have probably difficulties understand her and her needs or anyone else. But why you blame me for this? Do you think I was asked when I was born?
I will take your advice serious. You are right, I didn't see it that bad, but if you say so from your experience then I will have to leave her alone. I really just wanted the best for her when I bombarded her again. You probably can't understand this, but I thought she would feel lonely when I leave her, also she said in the beginning when we met that she doesn't have any friends, because people left her without any forewarning, that's why I felt responsible to show her there are also loyal people. And with loyal in this case I mean not leaving her. But I think I kinda understand what you mean now.
Do you think I make this all on purpose? If so you sound just like her. I really believe what I write down here, even if it's not true. If so I just don't see how is it right. Why blame for this?
Also as I said I'm already in therapy. And yeah I really care about her. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just an asshole who is just sorry that she have left me, which means I have lost something. But I don't do this intentionally.
It seems to me that you using reaction formation to defend yourself. Which means you do the opposite of what you want to do. You want to think the opposite of what actually happened. Because you can't confront the reality. When humans can't confront the reality, first they deceive themself. They become selfish. They believe lies. Later, they try to manipulate others. This stage is dangerous because now they can't separate the truth from lies. They just search a point of view that makes them right. Everything is right with right point of view. It doesn't make it right because you think it is right, don't forget that.
My best advice for you is following the common sense. It seems to me your self-esteem is low. Try to fix it. Don't lie to yourself. Accept the truth. I know reality may be harsh but you must accept it. You must get rid of delusion. You can't fix something if it's destroyed, accept that. If there is nothing to do, all you can do is accept it and carry on.
It's good thing you asked for help. Yeah, you can't change yourself but at least you can improve. If you really want to be better person then ask for help, accept help and help yourself.
@feelsbad ok that was maybe unfair of me to say considering I don't know you. I will rephrase : mental illness does not make you (or is no excuse to) lie to people and use their information for your own gain. Fair? Using the fact you've been diagnosed with depression and low self esteem is again, just another excuse.
I have a lot of experience with narcissism. It's not as black and white as someone just thinking they are the hottest shit. Narcissists ALWAYS play the victims. Their focus is on themselves and how THEY feel. Narcissists have very low self esteem. They look to others and relationships to feed off of and make them feel better about themselves while giving very little to others. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings, and I'm aware I don't know you, butreading everything in your own words gave me a lot of red flags for possbile narcissism.
Even in your response to me, you're not just angry at me for saying the things I said (which I would get, i can be blunt and harsh) or being like you know, maybe you're right, it's consistently peppered with self pity. Cut that shit out. Seriously. I am not saying it for ANYONE other than you. Self pity isn't going to help you, it's going to enable you and you will just continue to feel miserable.
She said you're not needy because you asked her several times -- that in itself suggests needyness. I know, because I can be kind of needy myself. I get low self esteem about tihngs like my parenting, my inability to get things done due to illness and I seek out constant reassurance. It's something to be aware of so you can work on it. I'm not outright judging you, I can empathise with some of this, I just think you need to stop making excuses for it and deal with it.
I am not blaming you for....I don't know what you are saying I am blaming you for. Am I blaming you for not respecting her needs now? Yes. Because you've come to us saying she wants nothing to do with you and yet you persist. She's told you what she needs, just respect her and give it to her. Leave her be. Learn from this and move on with your life.
Maybe you really don't understand, so it's ok to say that. But can you see how this is maybe flawed thinking? She told you what she wanted, and so you bombarded her because you wanted the best for her. The best for her is to respect what she tells you.
You thought she would be lonely without you? That is also very selfish and probably, even if you can't see it, more about you and your feelings. You hurt this person twice. She can go out an dmeet new people. She isn't being abandoned by you with no warning, she is choosing to cut you out of her life. There is abig difference. It's not loyal to stick by her at the moment, it's just disrespectful. And I'm really sorry that this is hurting you, but sometimes pain can be the biggest catalyst for change.
Do I think you did this on purpose? Well, technically, yes. I don't think you meant for this outcome, but you did the things you did deliberately, yes. You chose to make these decisions, and these are the consequences. that's a fact, and just plain logic, so I probably do sound like her. If you think maybe what you write isn't entirely true, but you believe it anyway -- that's a huge problem that is going to present you with a lot of problems in life. It's hard to see situations for what they are sometimes, especially if the reality and truth is painful, I understand, but it is necessary.
I'm glad to hear you are already getting help. Maybe you should bring thing situation up with your therapist and talk it out. I'm sure they will be able to give you better help than random people on the internet. Just be really honest with your therapist.
Wishing you the best. For what it's worth, I believe change is possible if you really really want it. It's hard work.
I have a lot of experience with narcissism. It's not as black and white as someone just thinking they are the hottest shit. Narcissists ALWAYS play the victims. Their focus is on themselves and how THEY feel. Narcissists have very low self esteem. They look to others and relationships to feed off of and make them feel better about themselves while giving very little to others. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings, and I'm aware I don't know you, butreading everything in your own words gave me a lot of red flags for possbile narcissism.
Even in your response to me, you're not just angry at me for saying the things I said (which I would get, i can be blunt and harsh) or being like you know, maybe you're right, it's consistently peppered with self pity. Cut that shit out. Seriously. I am not saying it for ANYONE other than you. Self pity isn't going to help you, it's going to enable you and you will just continue to feel miserable.
She said you're not needy because you asked her several times -- that in itself suggests needyness. I know, because I can be kind of needy myself. I get low self esteem about tihngs like my parenting, my inability to get things done due to illness and I seek out constant reassurance. It's something to be aware of so you can work on it. I'm not outright judging you, I can empathise with some of this, I just think you need to stop making excuses for it and deal with it.
I am not blaming you for....I don't know what you are saying I am blaming you for. Am I blaming you for not respecting her needs now? Yes. Because you've come to us saying she wants nothing to do with you and yet you persist. She's told you what she needs, just respect her and give it to her. Leave her be. Learn from this and move on with your life.
Maybe you really don't understand, so it's ok to say that. But can you see how this is maybe flawed thinking? She told you what she wanted, and so you bombarded her because you wanted the best for her. The best for her is to respect what she tells you.
You thought she would be lonely without you? That is also very selfish and probably, even if you can't see it, more about you and your feelings. You hurt this person twice. She can go out an dmeet new people. She isn't being abandoned by you with no warning, she is choosing to cut you out of her life. There is abig difference. It's not loyal to stick by her at the moment, it's just disrespectful. And I'm really sorry that this is hurting you, but sometimes pain can be the biggest catalyst for change.
Do I think you did this on purpose? Well, technically, yes. I don't think you meant for this outcome, but you did the things you did deliberately, yes. You chose to make these decisions, and these are the consequences. that's a fact, and just plain logic, so I probably do sound like her. If you think maybe what you write isn't entirely true, but you believe it anyway -- that's a huge problem that is going to present you with a lot of problems in life. It's hard to see situations for what they are sometimes, especially if the reality and truth is painful, I understand, but it is necessary.
I'm glad to hear you are already getting help. Maybe you should bring thing situation up with your therapist and talk it out. I'm sure they will be able to give you better help than random people on the internet. Just be really honest with your therapist.
Wishing you the best. For what it's worth, I believe change is possible if you really really want it. It's hard work.
Best wishes to you in your struggles.
I generally don't give advice, rather I offer suggestions and if the person finds something useful in it than so be it.
Leave this person alone. Focus on where you are at in your head and in your life. You say you'd like to be a better person? Put your energies into doing just that. If you are unable to "fix your flaws", than accept them, and do the best you can with honest intent. Be honest and convey these traits in you to the people you have encounters or romantic interest in so they can chose lest they would like to continue on.
One cannot "fix" another person, but rather love them through their rough times of fixing themselves. You say you have come to love and care for this person so much that it pains you now that she is gone? No, my friend lesson one: that is NOT love. Love is the ability to let a person go when they decide that is what they want with hope that they find what they need in life. Holding onto another is not being loving to them.
In your situation, you have made lies and promises and she had decided to move on. Instead of respecting her and leaving her alone you overwhelmed her with the bombardment...do you not see where that is selfish? Love and care for another human should never be built on selfishness. If you do love and care for her let her move on and you move on. Lesson learned.
Take care, hope the therapy is helpful, progress comes when the issues are named and claimed.
That's not true. I really respected her and finally I removed her from my Skype list, because she was too afraid to do it on her own. So I did it for her, I sent her a message before it that I'm sorry, but I will respect her decision and I just want the best for her. Then I deleted her. And believe me I didn't want to do it, but it did it for her, because she had the wish to get rid of me. So I can't agree with you that I'm always just selfish.
That was really brave of you, feelsbad. I know with how you're feeling right now that can't have been easy.
To clarify my meaning and then I am done with my part of the discussion.
My reference is to you not respecting the FIRST request she made to you for you to let her be and leave her alone. Kuddos to you for deleting her from your Skype/life after not convincing her that you were sorry and she should stay.
Again...best wishes to you in your future.