Zebra Poop (aka how relationship priorities change or something) | INFJ Forum

Zebra Poop (aka how relationship priorities change or something)

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by BMatt, Jan 3, 2013.

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  1. BMatt

    BMatt Newbie

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    I spent 10 minutes trying to come up with a decent title for this tread before I got annoyed and went with something stupid.


    Anyway, I had a discussion with an ex of mine last week . . . It was unpleasant, she was hostile, and in the end we established that she still hates me. But a couple zebra nuggets of truth came out of the discussion. Toward the end of our relationship (and by end, I mean the last two years of it) she went batshit crazy in attempts to make me love her again. She agrees her actions were incredibly stupid, however one of the underlying causes of it was something that made clear and obvious sense to me. . . but she thought I was an ass for doing.


    She basically felt that as the relationship continued, I began to value the feelings of others increasingly more than hers. That as we continued the relationship, that I'd give greater priority to people I'd just met, than her. . . who I'd known for 6 years. This really hurt her, because she felt that I should be giving her more and more priority. But in my view, as the relationship went on, I saw her less of a target for my priority, but more of an accomplice in prioritizing others. (unfortunately she didn't want to be an accomplice)


    It just struck deep with a continuing trend that I have that drives people away from me . . . the closer someone gets to me . . . the more I demand of them. They get less and less of the continual fluffy happy side of me, and get subjected to the annoying side of the shit I do to make people around me happy. . . and they wonder why I'm being so shitty to them and nice to someone else.

    Meanwhile, I'm thinking that we're teaming up to be nice to someone else.



    Just curious if this sounds familiar to anyone else. . . .


    B






    (personally, I feel it's a Fi/Fe thing . . . )
     
  2. Paladin-X

    Paladin-X Permanent Fixture

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    A) She's bat shit crazy and needy.
    B) You are probably just not being with the right kind of girl for you.

    I find that the more someone expects of my Fe, the less I am willing to give to that person.
     
  3. niffer

    niffer Well-known member

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    Well I hope you have stuff to offer her in return for her loyalty in other forms lol, otherwise who would appreciate that from you?
     
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  4. purplecrayons

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    I have to make a conscious effort not to do this, but I believe it is a natural drifting point for us. I am oversensitive to it being the daughter of a waitress. She would give us (family) such scathing bitchy service while turning on the cheese for customers. I solved that by sitting in another station. :D

    I feel that it is definitely a danger of inner circle and long-term relationships... expecting them to just deal while you put your best foot forward with the newbie. Like they've been through thick and thin long enough to just hang by a thread. Why would they stay??

    I think we have to keep checking in and making sure we're doing our best for those who matter MOST, not those Johnny come latelies.
     
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  5. OP
    BMatt

    BMatt Newbie

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    So, I'd agree with this, however I feel it points to a different issue . . . though perhaps I'll expand because it is somewhat related.

    I'm somewhat compulsively nice to everyone . . . . I could expand on this, but it's kinda embarrassingly comical. But what's relevant, is that I tend to treat people I've just met like most other people would treat only after knowing them for years. What it seems to have done to me is leave me with a vast network of people who believe that they're one of my best friends . . . and it leaves me with a frustratingly large amount of people who *expect* things from me.

    The downside is simply that I can't provide everything to everyone, and the more people that start demanding things, the more stressed I start to get trying to meet their demands. So I start weeding people out based on the fact that they know me well enough to understand that I'm not ignoring them because I don't like them.




    It's always the joke that you know that you're finally comfortable around someone when you can fart near them . . . clearly you don't want to fart on them when you can avoid it, but you've finally reached a level where you can relax and stop pretending to be perfect.

    It's somewhat how I view this whole situation. I don't fart on people I don't know, but people I trust and are close to should recognize how hard I'm trying not to. . . instead they wonder why I'm willing to let one squeak out around them, but not on the 10 random people I just met.
     
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  6. OP
    BMatt

    BMatt Newbie

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    Never has a truer explanation of myself been uttered.
    (the rest of that post was dead on as well)




    You made a point about authenticity. . . which is something that seems to create a huge separation between my thoughts and those of most people around me.

    Something as simple as taking photos over Christmas ended up being a battle. I've always been drawn to appreciate pictures that capture the moment of something going on . . . . lively discussion or something like that. Meanwhile, everyone else was horrified that I had saved a bunch of pictures that weren't of everyone looking at the camera and fake-smiling.

    It translates into this topic because in the cases that I'm speaking of where I do stupidly nice things for people . . . it all seems like "fake nice" to me. Something you just do to make the world function properly and not be a jerk, but it all just seems superficial to me.

    I suppose I'm just surprised that people are so focused on these fake actions as their only interpretation.

    B
     
  7. niffer

    niffer Well-known member

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    I suppose that if people are exposed to only the fake-nice actions before distance is removed, if they like you in the first place then that might be the only type of thing they like you for.

    I think it's important to balance authenticity with inauthenticity in order to avoid this, or to slowly mix more authenticity in as you get closer rather than it being an abrupt cliff, otherwise you'll just attract a bunch of people who have no idea who the real you is or who you'll be like after a certain period of friendship.

    It seems like many if not most people are more courteous to people they don't know well, as a rule... I guess this has become a problem in the past with me in dealing with people who don't understand this perspective. Just because I'm usually courteous and am willing to do things for someone does not mean that I feel particularly connected to them. The relationship is not always as simple as it appears on the surface, and for people who can't read into things and infer a little bit, it can be confusing.
     
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  8. Skathac

    Skathac <font color=#27A601>Community Member</font>

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    Good thread title btw [MENTION=5742]BMatt[/MENTION]
    Thought Niffer wrote it when I first looked at the thread title.

    As someone who has suffered from digestive problems and seriously had to rethink his diet...lets just say I endure alot of pain for the people I really care about. If I don't know you or you are annoying me, chemical warfare. If you happen to be stuck in an elevator with me and we have no ties of friendship or anything else between us that might make me care about your personal safety or you developing an inherent fear of poisonous gas release within confined places....well, then yer just gonna have to go to counseling.

    If you are close to me and fire the first shot though, oh it is on like donkey kong.
     
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