Would you rather be wanted or needed?

[acd]

I'm reminded of this clip for some reason

Anyway.
I think a healthy relationship requires a bit of both (needing/wanting.) Interdependence not codependency.

When I was younger I would have said you should be self sufficient and not need anyone. But being married with a young child I have changed my mind. If I had to do it alone I could. But it's not ideal.

 

[Asa]

To me, "need" is more poetic than literal. I don't need anyone. I could certainly survive with the bare minimum, as many could, but my life is richer, happier, and more meaningful with this person. We help each other in myriad ways, practical, spiritual, philosophical, intellectual, psychical. So, that translates to "need", in the poetic sense of the word. In the literal sense of the word, we humans don't "need" clothing, a house, or cooked food. All we "need" is to survive.

Another facet of this question is that it is better to want someone than to need them. I want to spend my life with you. I value you as a person and want your presence in my life, always. I want to know you. I want to share life with you. You can "need" someone and resent the piss out of them. Just watch the behavior of half the seniors in nursing homes when they interact with caregivers and you'll witness the dynamics of needing and not wanting.

Want to see real love? Wait until someone is of zero value, even negative value... an absolute mess... and you still reach your hand out and say, "I want you in my life, and I want you to be well, so let's make you well." That isn't something I suggest doing unless you really "need" that person. But what is need?

 

[John K]

There is a threshhold of love in my world. When I cross that threshhold voluntarily, I allow myself to need someone and to be needed by them. That to me is really part of what it means to love them - to let go of some of myself in exchange for some of them, and to become a single thing that cannot be broken without pain.

 

[Anomaly]

There is a quote that I'm often reminded of from a silly movie, but I think it is relevant. "I didn't come here to tell you that I cannot live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to."

Sure, there are those that we need in life for their utility, for their presence; and we are equally fulfilling that role for them and for others in any given capacity. However, to be wanted is to be chosen, regardless of utility or value or presence. In many ways, in being wanted, we are simultaneously needed; as we create a space which is not easily filled by another, and the void is felt as a need when apart from them.

However, there is boundary in 'needing', as it can often lead to becoming another's happiness, another's life-blood, another's will to exist in this world. I don't ever wish to fulfill that role to that extent, as it is impossible to uphold without being crushed under the burden. Do I want to be needed? I am in many ways, to many people (and for some I only matter as a placeholder in service to them), but I'd rather be wanted regardless of my utility or value to others. There is something beautiful that happens in being wanted (as Asa mentioned in their post above); in being chosen just as you are with palms out. I wrote a poem about this very thing, and I'll share a piece of it here:


Love at first sight, a fabrication.

True love is not blind.

It observes the intricacies of a moment;

chooses to overlook the wounds,

sees the potential beyond,

just as you are,

and opens its arms wide.

 

[ESC2367]

I'd want to be wanted.
Being needed sounds desperate, if i can only remember the conversation in Twin Peaks The Return... maybe it's on youtube let me check... not that i can find...

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

@Asa summarized my feelings about it.

 

[Synergos]

Wanted! Absolutely! Despite all of me!

 

[Ulla Lulla]

Wanted. 'Needed' sounds almost coercive.

 

[Wyote]

Desired, Admired
But those don't compare to unyielding acceptance.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

When it comes to this issue I am darkly jaded seeing that so many are incapable of actually loving anyone even themselves at least beyond brief moments as most of what passes for relationships is transactional. Far too many have only experienced transactional love and likely wouldn't know the difference until it was heart felt with in their own being.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

When it comes to this issue I am darkly jaded seeing that so many are incapable of actually loving anyone even themselves at least beyond brief moments as most of what passes for relationships is transactional. Far too many have only experienced transactional love and likely wouldn't know the difference until it was heart felt with in their own being.

Hmm, I might agree with this. Perhaps not entirely, but close enough.
Though, maybe people love each other in their own way, and that works for them.

 

[SlowUpTake]

I prefer being needed but I'd rather be wanted. Being needed implies a deep commitment, being wanted implies desire and sensuality. Rationality verses hedonality.

 

[Misty]

In the past I would have said wanted, hands down. But now I'd say needed because I'd rather be loved than lusted after. Need almost always leads to want, while the converse isn't as probable.

 

[Synergos]

I'm thinking about this thread today...

About be wanted even being a crap, versus being "amazing" but not wanted at all.
I already was needed in a covert form, said as "wanted".
How rare is to be really wanted despite our issues?
How many times I heard it? "I want you, despite your flaws!"
Excluding from everybody that used me, I can't remember.
I think it's a little bitter, but maybe the truth. I need to deal with.
Sometimes, I miss the sensation of being wanted, even in a fake way - and knowing that is fake.

 

[Anomaly]

I'm thinking about this thread today...

About be wanted even being a crap, versus being "amazing" but not wanted at all.
I already was needed in a covert form, said as "wanted".
How rare is to be really wanted despite our issues?
How many times I heard it? "I want you, despite your flaws!"
Excluding from everybody that used me, I can't remember.
I think it's a little bitter, but maybe the truth. I need to deal with.
Sometimes, I miss the sensation of being wanted, even in a fake way - and knowing that is fake.

I think being more discerning of who is deserving of your time and attention, is a start. Those who place conditions covertly are the worst kind, and their patterns are very telling. Find people who don't operate that way. Find people who recognize the depth of their own darkness and fallibility. If someone consistently speaks on how amazing they are, this is a red flag that they are likely using a comparative scale with all sorts of conditions in how you will or will not stack up to them. Avoid them like a plague. You deserve better, Syn. I am hoping with all my heart that you can find someone in proximity that will choose you knowing it all, not because you offer them some sort of utility, but because they value who you are, exactly as you are. This takes a lot of time. Be patient. Be kind to yourself when you feel the ache of loneliness. You're not alone. You belong for many, just in being you. Cling to that knowledge. You are enough, and the parts of you that you recognize don't hold a candle to where you want to be, you're already working hard to overcome and perfect to your own standard. You are enough.

 

[zsedftghj830]

I’m not gonna lie, I am always checking compatibility because I am 1000% scared of losing someone close as the most recent time it happened I was destroyed. I know that I can’t be happy with someone until I’m happy with myself so right now I feel like I NEED someone which I know is hella unhealthy. I’d like to get to the point of just wanting someone and being okay with just being wanted

 

[zsedftghj830]

I’m not gonna lie, I am always checking compatibility because I am 1000% scared of losing someone close as the most recent time it happened I was destroyed. I know that I can’t be happy with someone until I’m happy with myself so right now I feel like I NEED someone which I know is hella unhealthy. I’d like to get to the point of just wanting someone and being okay with just being wanted

Oh boy, that sounded bad. Figured out a better way to word it. I’m super picky right now for fear of being hurt. I’m desperate for connection and it kinda sucks because I know being desperate for connection has a tendency to make the problem worse and I realize by making a potential friend have to meet all sorts of qualities that I’m minimizing my chance of connection. It’s a vicious cycle.

 

[dZpADTLrPmX4c]

Sometimes, I miss the sensation of being wanted, even in a fake way - and knowing that is fake.

I love your honesty about this Synergos.
Sometimes if all we know is fake desire, that becomes what we're accustomed to. Like an inversion of the world, where false is real and real is false.
I cherish your company and your posts. I feel our forums have been made better by you being here *hugs*

Oh boy, that sounded bad. Figured out a better way to word it. I’m super picky right now for fear of being hurt. I’m desperate for connection and it kinda sucks because I know being desperate for connection has a tendency to make the problem worse and I realize by making a potential friend have to meet all sorts of qualities that I’m minimizing my chance of connection. It’s a vicious cycle.

No worries, you're good.
It sounds like how it sounds like. What's more important than how it appears to others is, how do you feel about it? What will your approach be? and to me it seems like you've already ideas about that.
It's not an overnight thing but having direction and self-awareness is a great start *hugs*

 

[Anomaly]

Oh boy, that sounded bad. Figured out a better way to word it. I’m super picky right now for fear of being hurt. I’m desperate for connection and it kinda sucks because I know being desperate for connection has a tendency to make the problem worse and I realize by making a potential friend have to meet all sorts of qualities that I’m minimizing my chance of connection. It’s a vicious cycle.

I have to second everything Winter put so eloquently. Be kind to yourself, where you are. You already know what you're working on. You can make connections without compromising on those things which you consider a boundary for your own mental health and happiness. If those things seem too rigid for others, that isn't up to them, it's up to you, as Winter said. It's how you feel about what you need, and how you operate. Wishing you clarity as you figure these things out for yourself.

 

[Synergos]

I think being more discerning of who is deserving of your time and attention, is a start. Those who place conditions covertly are the worst kind, and their patterns are very telling. Find people who don't operate that way. Find people who recognize the depth of their own darkness and fallibility. If someone consistently speaks on how amazing they are, this is a red flag that they are likely using a comparative scale with all sorts of conditions in how you will or will not stack up to them. Avoid them like a plague. You deserve better, Syn. I am hoping with all my heart that you can find someone in proximity that will choose you knowing it all, not because you offer them some sort of utility, but because they value who you are, exactly as you are. This takes a lot of time. Be patient. Be kind to yourself when you feel the ache of loneliness. You're not alone. You belong for many, just in being you. Cling to that knowledge. You are enough, and the parts of you that you recognize don't hold a candle to where you want to be, you're already working hard to overcome and perfect to your own standard. You are enough.

I want to respond earlier both you and @Winterflowers but I'm in the road yet... And next 3 hours... Arriving at home I will write you. Thank you for the immense support and kindness! <333