[INFJ] Will an INFJ get back to me ?

[Yn0t]

I had relationship with an INFJ male. He is extremely sensitive, of course. We had great connection and we talk everyday. I understand him alot. I also know words affect him more than anything and he remember what I say forever. One day, I found out I have a type of cancer. That moment, I felt apart, I dont want to be his luggage or burden, I dont want he see me sick, so I talked really mean to him, to push him away, I thought if I be mean, he will forget me easier. He door-slam me, of course. Even if I am deeply in pain after that. I just go through things all alone, I think about him everyday and cry. But I also think it is good because he stress easily, I dont want him to go through this emotional battle with me. And until I saw our mutual friend, after hearing the story, she said he should know the truth, she will talk to him. I half want him to come back and so I can explain to him and apology, I half dont want him to feel bad or pity for me. I love him so much that I just want him to live his life total happily.
I have very tiny hope that he will talk to me again even if he know the truth, because I know he hold on to what I said and how it hurt him very deeply. Please give me advice.

 

[Matty]

You're maximising the distress you're causing him.

Not only will he know you have cancer, but you also were rude to him. Make up your mind, and stop being a manipulative asshole.

You chose to be rude "to spare him" the cancer story. Now he's going to have both?

 

[Yn0t]

You're maximising the distress you're causing him.

Not only will he know you have cancer, but you also were rude to him. Make up your mind, and stop being a manipulative asshole.

You chose to be rude "to spare him" the cancer story. Now he's going to have both?

…I know I was an asshole. I know I have 1 in million chances in this door-slam.

 

[Wyote]

It's pretty easy, just apologize with sincerity.
Sounds like you don't want to face the consequences of your own actions though, so he gets to suffer double time while you get to feel self righteous.

 

[Yn0t]

It's pretty easy, just apologize with sincerity.
Sounds like you don't want to face the consequences of your own actions though, so he gets to suffer double time while you get to feel self righteous.

I regret what I said to him everyday. I dont have any chance to apologize or explain. He blocked me everywhere. I know I hurt him very very deeply and I betrayed him by say what I said. I dont think anything can ever fix what I’ve done to him, and that really make me feel pain.

 

[Yn0t]

I even know if our mutual friend tell him the truth, he will just say “well I pray for her to get better” and that will be it.

 

[aeon]

If that’s indeed the case, move on. He likely has.

One cannot bear the responsibility for another’s feelings, much less another’s experience itself.

It may help you to apologize to him by writing it, even if he never sees it.

You’ve engaged in the grossest kind of condescension, manipulation, deceit, and transgresion, then violation, of boundaries.

Through this thoroughly toxic action, you demonstrated you were absolutely unsuited to be in a relationship at that time.

That you wished to spare him pain was noble. That you did not realize, or care, that the cruel murder of a love to be the greatest pain you could mete out speaks to...something.

Looking on the bright side, if there is one, perhaps this can serve as a learning experience regarding loving and valuing yourself enough that you don’t feel the need to save others from your own self-loathing.

-------

When you get lied to about a person’s intentions and actions in a relationship, recognize it for what it is—they hold you in so little regard that you are not worth (to them) being engaged with honestly. To them, you are an object, and become their narcissistic supply.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[hg7823]

Honestly, trying to put myself in his shoes and this is how I see it...and yes I agree with my other 1%'s here....

You had a goal and you accomplished it, you knew what you were doing before you did it and how he would react. You want some sort of award for being "not being selfish" but regretting it as well. The way I see it is there is a little truth to every lie, if you know what triggered "us" .... why play games? Why not just come out and tell us.. like we don't have enough in our heads and you probably just made me go down a very black hole thinking the absolute worst of myself. Finally picking myself up and now I have to pity you and just forgive you merely because you thought you were "sparing me?" Sorry but actually you're ending up to sound even more selfish in the end, and any of me and my 1% brothers know we don't deal with selfish people.

 

[John K]

@Yn0t it’s very hard to see the true depths of all this from the little we can know about you at the moment. I’m so sorry you have to carry the burden of serious illness - I hope the medics are giving you good treatment and that you will recover well. Give yourself plenty of slack while you work thinks through - it’s a very testing time for you.

I guess you were thrown so off balance by the diagnosis that you were not thinking straight when you pushed your INFJ friend away so roughly. I’m afraid it won’t appear to him as simple as you express it here. For a start, the things you said to him must have hit the truth in some sense for him to react like that - they must have seemed like what you really think deep down about him but have concealed.

More seriously though to an INFJ who really loves you, what you have done is like a betrayal. You have basically said to him that you don’t want to share the intimacy of your struggle with cancer with him. You haven’t expressed this to him yet, but that’s what it feels like - that there is no place for him in your inner world when things are bad for you.

An INFJ guy will know instinctively whether these two messages are superficial and just your distress talking, or if there is something deep down that you really mean in them. It’s really rather hard to come back on this, and you need to be honest with yourself. Was this a distress reaction from you, or do you really not want to share things this intimate with him.

If you explain and apologise you might be able to recover your relationship if you really were just being silly under stress. You have a hill to climb to rebuild trust though - the fear that you might shut him out again in the really important things.

 

[Yn0t]

Thank you for all of your replies. I realized a lot of things. Yes I admit that I was wrong that I know what trigger you and I still do that. I just message our mutual friend that dont tell him that she met me because I think he will avoid her forever. And I dont wanna affect their friendship. I have never be with an INFJ before so It was a journey to me. I am glad I did though, from now on I will be careful with my words.

 

[Yn0t]

@Yn0t it’s very hard to see the true depths of all this from the little we can know about you at the moment. I’m so sorry you have to carry the burden of serious illness - I hope the medics are giving you good treatment and that you will recover well. Give yourself plenty of slack while you work thinks through - it’s a very testing time for you.

I guess you were thrown so off balance by the diagnosis that you were not thinking straight when you pushed your INFJ friend away so roughly. I’m afraid it won’t appear to him as simple as you express it here. For a start, the things you said to him must have hit the truth in some sense for him to react like that - they must have seemed like what you really think deep down about him but have concealed.

More seriously though to an INFJ who really loves you, what you have done is like a betrayal. You have basically said to him that you don’t want to share the intimacy of your struggle with cancer with him. You haven’t expressed this to him yet, but that’s what it feels like - that there is no place for him in your inner world when things are bad for you.

An INFJ guy will know instinctively whether these two messages are superficial and just your distress talking, or if there is something deep down that you really mean in them. It’s really rather hard to come back on this, and you need to be honest with yourself. Was this a distress reaction from you, or do you really not want to share things this intimate with him.

If you explain and apologise you might be able to recover your relationship if you really were just being silly under stress. You have a hill to climb to rebuild trust though - the fear that you might shut him out again in the really important things.

Actually reading yours I think I understand why he reacted like that. He is already insecure about himself and not sure if people like him the way he is. So now I think back about what I said to him, I think you were right,John K, maybe the words I said to him made he feel that I dont like listen to him talk. Even though honestly, what I meant was “I dont want what I say make you overthinking, so dont be” but I chose the wrong words. That’s why he think I dont like the way he talk / the way he is or maybe he even think I was fake to him.
So there wont be a chance for me anymore. I really feel that he felt betrayed. I will learn my lesson here and take responsible for it.

 

[John K]

Actually reading yours I think I understand why he reacted like that. He is already insecure about himself and not sure if people like him the way he is. So now I think back about what I said to him, I think you were right,John K, maybe the words I said to him made he feel that I dont like listen to him talk. Even though honestly, what I meant was “I dont want what I say make you overthinking, so dont be” but I chose the wrong words. That’s why he think I dont like the way he talk / the way he is or maybe he even think I was fake to him.
So there wont be a chance for me anymore. I really feel that he felt betrayed. I will learn my lesson here and take responsible for it.

Do allow yourself some slack - you will have been thrown off balance by finding out you are ill. That can make people behave out of character. Often we learn best from our mistakes and become better people as a result. Your priority now is to get yourself healthy again in every sense of the word.

As someone else suggested you might think about writing him a letter explaining and apologising so that he doesn’t feel bad about himself, but you need to phrase it carefully so it doesn’t make him feel guilty about his reaction to what you did.

 

[Yn0t]

Do allow yourself some slack - you will have been thrown off balance by finding out you are ill. That can make people behave out of character. Often we learn best from our mistakes and become better people as a result. Your priority now is to get yourself healthy again in every sense of the word.

As someone else suggested you might think about writing him a letter explaining and apologising so that he doesn’t feel bad about himself, but you need to phrase it carefully so it doesn’t make him feel guilty about his reaction to what you did.

Thank you. I did send him a letter couple days after to apology about my insensitive words. But I think what I said just hurt him too much.

 

[Yn0t]

Maybe it will be better that I get healthy, and one day I will find him to at least apology in person. Time to heal and grow for both of us.

 

[Matty]

Ugh, you're also putting the mutual friend in a difficult position.

I also object to you calling the respondents in this thread "my fellow 1%-ers". Your morals are shit, and I pity the people you throw into turmoil without regard.

 

[BritNi]

Ugh, you're also putting the mutual friend in a difficult position.

I also object to you calling the respondents in this thread "my fellow 1%-ers". Your morals are shit, and I pity the people you throw into turmoil without regard.

I think there's too little context to determine whether their morals are "shit."

I'm curious about the mental age, culture, and emotional maturity of the OP.

 

[Asa]

Take @John K's advice. Focus on getting healthy and growing from this mistake.

Write a letter and apologize. Write it carefully so you won't make the INFJ feel guilty. Expect nothing. Your objective should not be to lure the INFJ back, but to apologize for mistreating him.

I wish you well in your recovery.

 

[David Nelson]

You no doubt greatly hurt an INFJ in the worst way possible emotionally. You also missed the chance to have the greatest support through difficulty that any person could give. INFJs love caring for loved ones. I can’t understand your thinking in this. It’s messed up, sorry. I hope you get better though.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Uh @Sometimes Yeah it wasn't OP who said anything about 1%ers.

Anyway, @Yn0t aside from the fact that you're a terrible person (sarcasm), it's scary to make yourself vulnerable. You tell yourself you're driving the other person away for their own good (but also deciding you know what's best for them) as a means of avoiding your own fear of being vulnerable and rejected. Fear is a part of the human condition, and I don't think you'd be posing this question if you didn't realize on some level that driving loved ones away is a harmful way to cope. Regardless of whether or not your relationship heals with this infj in particular, or whether or not your prediction about their response was correct, do your best to be honest with yourself moving forward. This will minimize the risk of ending up in these kinds of dilemmas in the future. You will still get hurt at times, but there won't be any regrets or lingering questions. I'm sorry to hear about your health but hoping that at the least this reinforces your willingness to drop pretense and live life more fully.

Best wishes.

 

[David Nelson]

Uh @Sometimes Yeah it wasn't OP who said anything about 1%ers.

@Yn0t Fear is a part of the human condition, and I don't think you'd be posing this question if you didn't realize on some level that driving loved ones away is a harmful way to cope.

Drop the double negatives already lol