Why you should make the first move if you like them | INFJ Forum

Why you should make the first move if you like them

Wing

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May 7, 2011
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Hi INFJ ladies,

Does anyone else have this experience? Deep within your soul, you feel kindly towards everyone -- so you behave that way because it's authentic -- but you keep attracting people who believe that treating them as you would want to be treated (with courtesy, friendship, respect, empathy, or humor) is a sign of sexual interest.

Then, although they have leapt to that conclusion (or at least leapt halfway there, to the point where they're not certain whether they can draw it but at least think it's a 50/50 chance -- after all, you told them a joke, right?), they waste a bunch of their time pretending they're just interested as friends, and though you see right through that, you have to pretend to take them at their word, because your only other option is to call their bluff -- and what are you going to say? "I know you say you're just interested in me as a friend, but just in case you're lying through your teeth, and you're madly in love with me me me, you know I don't like you in that way, right?" No. Finally, sometimes after months or even years, they come clean and get it over with (which they should have done in the very beginning), lo and behold, when they finally ask and you give them news (put in as compassionate a way as you know how), they turn around and blast you for having "led them on" all that time while they were pretending not to be interested!! Wasn't it they who were trying to "lead you on," feigning a lack of interest until such a point as they (hoped) they could "convince you into" reciprocating it? Doesn't that bespeak a lack of respect for your own agency in the matter, trying to skirt around your actual wants like that? Furthermore, what if you had liked them?! Wouldn't they have been toying with your emotions unnecessarily all this time, letting you writhe there, instead of asking you out like a chivalrous person? Is there a way for INFJ people to avoid this situation, without having to avoid all contact with the opposite (or your preferred) sex whom one does not love madly? It is inconvenient in the workplace (and hurts the cause of feminism) to not be able to comfortably network and have friendships with people from the gender you also happen to date, without having moral qualms about whether we're leading them on.

INFJ's, especially INFJ guys (who report a great difficulty with this), does this at all inspire you to take the plunge when you know that (at least) you are interested? To me, it is actually more unkind -- aggressive, even -- to let someone sit in her misery for any longer than she has to if there is something you can do to shorten it. Whether that means the misery of pining for you (as you hope) or feeling horrible for you but not knowing how to tell you (as you fear), shouldn't you want to deliver her either way by just saying a simple "Do you know I like you?" Because trust me, "Do you know I like you?" is much easier to ask than "Do you know I don't like you?"
 
If they say they are only interested as a friend, then yes that is their fault and it is on them.

Also, I don't generally bother with girls who I don't genuinely want to be friends with and not tell them that I like them if I do, especially if it were to come up.

The exception is one girl who I told, rejected me, and yet she still talks to me and has become friends with me. I still like her, but I'm too nice to tell her to go to hell.
 
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It astounds me that as a female, if there's a dude that's pining over you, who you aren't into, and has established a long term friendship with you, you could possibly let that kind of tension build for months.... and years? That seems extremely uncomfortable. Babygirl, you need to drop a
You: So I guess you're pretty into me, huh?
Fan: I just like you as a friend.
You: That's strange, you seem veeerrry interested in me. In THAT way...
Fan: What? Nonono... you psycho egoistic bitch.
You: Yeah you like that kind of shit huh.
Fan: I'm not into you damnit.
You: Alright. Well just "in case" you catch feelings at some point, wink wink nudge nudge, you should know that I'm looking for XYZ in a romantic partner, and I don't think you and I would get on because you are more like ABC.

You win!!

Oh and if you're gonna tell someone that you like them, it's less creepy if you start hinting at it by expressing admiration for whatever it is that you are attracted to about them. The earlier on you do this, the less creepy it will seem. "I really like that you..." or "I admire you for..." And it's not much of a leap when you finally say "I'm really glad that I met you. [explain what you enjoy about them]" and if they react positively, you may say "I am quite enamored with you."
 
Game theory suggests that a texas sharpshooter approach is actually the best approach to dating. Those who are frequently dating are dating because they approach more targets; not because they are intrinsically more successful, but because the choice of individuals they approach regulates based upon individual attractiveness.
 
INTJ here. I'm not a fan of false pretensions. If I like a girl, I'll let it be known that I like her and want more than a friendship. If I'm not interested in a girl in a romantic way, then I'll treat her like my friend and think nothing of it. If I think someone is starting to gain feelings for me, I'll first start dropping hints about liking other people and such. If that doesn't work, I'll tell them that I'm not interested in dating her. Of course, I don't particularly go out of my way to make female friends. Or male friends. But the point is still there.
 
I've had feelings grow out of genuine friendships that didn't exist before said friendship...

The problem is I do typically need to get to know the girl before I have any real interest in "dating" her. In the end things work out, it's just hard going through the stages as you grow up.
 
As an INFJ male, I'm not going to make a move until I'm pretty SURE I'm interested. I don't want to begin expressing interest in a girl only to find out two weeks later that it was just a passing crush.

Take a plunge? Sure, I can do that. But there'll be a trail of girls behind me that said, "He seemed interested but suddenly disappeared". Maybe some guys are ok with that. I'm not.
 
The onus is not upon the female to decode ambiguity. Really, there shouldn't be any question about it at all. If you're into a girl, tell her. I'm not even kidding - be super direct about it. "I like you, so-and-so." That's it. If you don't have the balls to do that, you've got no business being in a relationship in the first place.

All this confusion usually comes down to one thing: the guy is being a pussy. So stop being a pussy and start getting pussy.
 
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I appreciate the gesture, but...

... nah.

:p

Would kittens change your mind?

kittens-463.jpg





It doesn't matter how often I wash my hands the blood just won't come off!! IT WON'T COME OFFF!!! Clean. Clean. Clean.
 
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If you don't have the balls to do that, you've got no business being in a relationship in the first place.

Agree. I'd just add to it, if you can't make up your mind whether you like someone, you've got no business being in a relationship in the first place.
 
Would kittens change your mind?

kittens-463.jpg





It doesn't matter how often I wash my hands the blood just won't come off!! IT WON'T COME OFFF!!! Clean. Clean. Clean.

They are awfully cute...
 
The onus is not upon the female to decode ambiguity. Really, there shouldn't be any question about it at all. If you're into a girl, tell her. I'm not even kidding - be super direct about it. "I like you, so-and-so." That's it. If you don't have the balls to do that, you've got no business being in a relationship in the first place.

All this confusion usually comes down to one thing: the guy is being a pussy. So stop being a pussy and start getting pussy.

If all I cared about was "getting pussy" I'd just pay for it.
 
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*Passes [MENTION=3473]InvisibleJim[/MENTION] a sponge cake underneath the table*



stack the deck :O
 
My personal opinion on relationships is that I would really like to know the person extremely well before making up my mind if I want to step up to a romantic scale. I might know someone for a year but not have spent enough 1x1 time and conversation/events to actually know them, and I am not one of the people who think you date people to get to know them. I am insulted when people know me for a short period of time, or a long period of time but don't actually know me, they haven't scratched the surface of my depth. As people we naturally seem to have privacy shields and blocks and we don't let everyone in. Once you let someone in and they let you in, you know it, and you begin to have a greater understanding of each other.

Great romantic relationships are built on strong friendships. There is really nothing wrong with being friends with someone that you think you might be romantically interested in- for at some point, if the feeling is mutual, the romantic relationship with be initiated. I don't think the male or the female or one specific person has to be the initiator in a relationship: intimate relationships are mutual and therefore require the effort of both people.

When you are close enough to each other that it's where you wanted to be all along, it's already pretty established that you like one another and that's when you start having open discussion about how you would like to spend the rest of your time together. So long as you already have open discussion with the person in question and they are on the same level and preferences as you are on communication, breaking the ice about a relationship will be no problem, and communicating about the possibility of a relationship will be no problem because the person will be mature and will understand how to say no and the reasons for their decision, and likewise how to say yes and the reasons for that decision.
 
stack the deck :O

I'd definitely like to get my mouth around your large remarkably sized spongecake Sali.