Hi INFJ ladies,
Does anyone else have this experience? Deep within your soul, you feel kindly towards everyone -- so you behave that way because it's authentic -- but you keep attracting people who believe that treating them as you would want to be treated (with courtesy, friendship, respect, empathy, or humor) is a sign of sexual interest.
Then, although they have leapt to that conclusion (or at least leapt halfway there, to the point where they're not certain whether they can draw it but at least think it's a 50/50 chance -- after all, you told them a joke, right?), they waste a bunch of their time pretending they're just interested as friends, and though you see right through that, you have to pretend to take them at their word, because your only other option is to call their bluff -- and what are you going to say? "I know you say you're just interested in me as a friend, but just in case you're lying through your teeth, and you're madly in love with me me me, you know I don't like you in that way, right?" No. Finally, sometimes after months or even years, they come clean and get it over with (which they should have done in the very beginning), lo and behold, when they finally ask and you give them news (put in as compassionate a way as you know how), they turn around and blast you for having "led them on" all that time while they were pretending not to be interested!! Wasn't it they who were trying to "lead you on," feigning a lack of interest until such a point as they (hoped) they could "convince you into" reciprocating it? Doesn't that bespeak a lack of respect for your own agency in the matter, trying to skirt around your actual wants like that? Furthermore, what if you had liked them?! Wouldn't they have been toying with your emotions unnecessarily all this time, letting you writhe there, instead of asking you out like a chivalrous person? Is there a way for INFJ people to avoid this situation, without having to avoid all contact with the opposite (or your preferred) sex whom one does not love madly? It is inconvenient in the workplace (and hurts the cause of feminism) to not be able to comfortably network and have friendships with people from the gender you also happen to date, without having moral qualms about whether we're leading them on.
INFJ's, especially INFJ guys (who report a great difficulty with this), does this at all inspire you to take the plunge when you know that (at least) you are interested? To me, it is actually more unkind -- aggressive, even -- to let someone sit in her misery for any longer than she has to if there is something you can do to shorten it. Whether that means the misery of pining for you (as you hope) or feeling horrible for you but not knowing how to tell you (as you fear), shouldn't you want to deliver her either way by just saying a simple "Do you know I like you?" Because trust me, "Do you know I like you?" is much easier to ask than "Do you know I don't like you?"
Does anyone else have this experience? Deep within your soul, you feel kindly towards everyone -- so you behave that way because it's authentic -- but you keep attracting people who believe that treating them as you would want to be treated (with courtesy, friendship, respect, empathy, or humor) is a sign of sexual interest.
Then, although they have leapt to that conclusion (or at least leapt halfway there, to the point where they're not certain whether they can draw it but at least think it's a 50/50 chance -- after all, you told them a joke, right?), they waste a bunch of their time pretending they're just interested as friends, and though you see right through that, you have to pretend to take them at their word, because your only other option is to call their bluff -- and what are you going to say? "I know you say you're just interested in me as a friend, but just in case you're lying through your teeth, and you're madly in love with me me me, you know I don't like you in that way, right?" No. Finally, sometimes after months or even years, they come clean and get it over with (which they should have done in the very beginning), lo and behold, when they finally ask and you give them news (put in as compassionate a way as you know how), they turn around and blast you for having "led them on" all that time while they were pretending not to be interested!! Wasn't it they who were trying to "lead you on," feigning a lack of interest until such a point as they (hoped) they could "convince you into" reciprocating it? Doesn't that bespeak a lack of respect for your own agency in the matter, trying to skirt around your actual wants like that? Furthermore, what if you had liked them?! Wouldn't they have been toying with your emotions unnecessarily all this time, letting you writhe there, instead of asking you out like a chivalrous person? Is there a way for INFJ people to avoid this situation, without having to avoid all contact with the opposite (or your preferred) sex whom one does not love madly? It is inconvenient in the workplace (and hurts the cause of feminism) to not be able to comfortably network and have friendships with people from the gender you also happen to date, without having moral qualms about whether we're leading them on.
INFJ's, especially INFJ guys (who report a great difficulty with this), does this at all inspire you to take the plunge when you know that (at least) you are interested? To me, it is actually more unkind -- aggressive, even -- to let someone sit in her misery for any longer than she has to if there is something you can do to shorten it. Whether that means the misery of pining for you (as you hope) or feeling horrible for you but not knowing how to tell you (as you fear), shouldn't you want to deliver her either way by just saying a simple "Do you know I like you?" Because trust me, "Do you know I like you?" is much easier to ask than "Do you know I don't like you?"