Why were they "The One"? | INFJ Forum

Why were they "The One"?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, May 9, 2015.

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  1. Gaze

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    For those who've had the chance to find their one true love, soulmate, their heart, etc. how did you come to know that they were "The One"? Did it happen overnight or did it take time for that feeling to come? What about the relationship makes them "The One"?
     
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  2. Erlian

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    The first topic I really started thinking about was love. I was 13.
    I had been in love many times in primary school. Maybe not real love, but at least strong infatuation. At that age I was infatuated again. Except this time I started questioning it.

    What is happening? Why do I only see her good sides? Why her?
    Why does it feel good to be around her? Why do I want to be around her all the time?
    Why love? Why does it exist? What is love?

    Why love exists was easily answered with evolution theory, but then how does it work?

    I started with wikipedia and ended up with a lot of materialistic answers. Those made a lot of sense to me.
    My verdict was that love was an addiction. If I see her, my brain makes this substance that I really enjoy. Serotonin if I remember correct. It makes you feel really good. Not being hear her felt bad. Obviously heart break is the withdrawal symptom of love. So yeah, that looks very much like an addiction. So if it's an addiction, what else can I conclude? Hmm, that it's quite easy to start an addiction. That also made a lot of sense to me back then. I knew of the stories that if you experience adrenaline (something exciting: rollercoaster, horror movie etc) together you start to love each other. Alright, so that's how you can build the addiction. Seems quite simple. So why did people not just say "hey lets fall in love" "Ok!"? Well, I was 13 back then and didn't have an answer to everything. To be honest, at that time I would've been up for something like that.

    Also from that point on, since I was scared of addiction and didn't want anything to take over my brain, I recognise it when I'm in love and I force myself to look for her bad traits. I refuse to only see the good things. I don't want something meddling with my perception of reality.

    I now realise it's a tad bit more complex. Because people have personalities and preferences, some people have a better fit than others. But my earlier conclusions still stand. Love sprouts quickly in adventure. That's why you always have a successful love arc in every hollywood movie. They might not be a perfect fit, but they've been through shit together and that creates a strong bond (at least for a while). Relationships build on a good fit are obviously more resilient to the test of time, but sharing some adrenaline adventure early on will help immensely.

    To me the concept of the one is statistically impossible. (That's possibly why the OP puts it between quotation marks)
    There's a lot of people on earth. There's still plenty people in my hometown (330k). There are a lot of students in my hometown (66k). And 65% of them are female. The sea I'm fishing in has a lot of fish. I'm pretty sure there are at least a couple dozen "ones" for me here. But the interesting thing is whether I will meet them. Whether I will get to know them. And whether I will recognise her. I bet that I won't recognise her before we start dating. And then there are obviously plenty in other cities and countries.

    There are multiple girls in this world that could become my "one", but there can only be one "one". Because of that my "one" will be made through experience and sharing a life. Not through fit by personality or preferences (because multiple girls would pass that test).

    Oh I forgot about looks. Society wants me to not care about looks ("it's the inside that counts"), but we all do. Just include them where I said personality.
     
  3. Free

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    There have been three times in my life where I couldn't describe it as "falling in love". No, it was more like crashing into love with no brakes going 200 mph.

    The first time it happened fast, for the both of us. My ENFP sadly departed this world all too soon, yet I am convinced that had he lived, we'd still be married and I'd have a litter of his children by now. RIP my love.

    I never thought I would love like that again, but it did happen again, when I wasn't expecting it at all. This was slower when coming to fruition, more than likely because I was closed off in my grief, yet the "connection" was instant, undeniably powerful, and healing. <3 My dearest INTJ.

    The third time was again, an instant connection. My feelings were strong, immediate, even when I tried to convince myself otherwise and pretended they didn't exist. When I finally surrendered, not to my beloved INTJ, but to myself...it was nothing short of life changing.

    I used to believe in soulmates once upon a time when I was young and crazily idealistic, till mine died. Had he been my true soulmate, I shouldn't have been able to love that strongly, that powerful ever again, right? Some could argue that he wasn't my soulmate after all because of the fact that I did indeed love like that again. Having put some mileage on and gained some wisdom through my life's experiences throughout the years, I have to say that I no longer believe in soulmates.

    I do believe, however, that we are all capable of connecting with another human being in ways that completely transcend our physical worlds, time and distance, that will ultimately fill the holes in our hearts and make us whole. If this is someone's definition of a soulmate, then I believe it's possible there isn't just one, but many that are capable of filling this role. The only obstacle is one's self, and being able to demolish barriers that we all put up around us to protect ourselves and our strange little inner worlds that we are so fearful of others knowing.
     
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  4. gd65h8as7

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    Had to go through four different blow-up doll models before I found Mrs. Right.
     
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  6. rawr

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  7. gd65h8as7

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    In all seriousness, I haven't met "The One", but I'll know it's her if, God forbid, it turns out that she becomes handicapped or very ill and I'm still willing to push her wheelchair around, sponge bathe her, wipe up her shit/vomit etc.
     
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  8. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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    I have nothing to contribute here except to yield "The One" forever enquoted.

    The concept itself may be intoxicating, but I think it's a bad idea to subscribe to this idea of "The One".

    However, I do not diminish anyone's belief of it.
     
    #8 ruji, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  9. Wyote

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    You know a person is "The One" when:

    You respect the person as you would a good parent, and you are just as selflessly invested in their personal success and well being as you would be your own child.
     
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  10. jupiterswoon

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    I think for me, when finding the "one", it will be easy, it will be fluid, there will be a particular understanding between us. Not that we won't fight or ever encounter conflict, but there will be this instant respect and mutuality and enjoyment of each other's company that trumps all the other stuff. It will be easy, in the sense that it will be easy to say "Yes" to them, to their needs/wants/etc. Because to deny that you want them in your life will be the hardest decision you could make. If you feel like making the sacrifices will be worth it.

    I don't believe there is necessarily "one" person for you/me/population-at-large, but I do believe that you choose that person, and whenever you encounter an obstacle- no matter how hard- you will choose that person each and every time. There may still be questioning, there may still be difficulties in life, but when you choose that person, you choose that you want to have them by your side, and you know that they feel the same.
     
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