Why is this happening to me | INFJ Forum

Why is this happening to me

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by slant, Jul 26, 2019.

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  1. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    This is a follow-up up to the thread about not being able to read people.

    Referencing the same exact person.

    Basically, I started going to this open Mike in April every Saturday. I became very entranced by the the host, who I'll call in this thread to sound guy. I didn't ever understand why I was so interested in him. Though he is attractive, he is not my type physically. It wasn't sexual attraction. But I felt this PULL towards him. This strange pull.

    I've been going there every Saturday now since April except for one Saturday. Over the series of months we have progressed to knowing each other.

    He asked my name, invited me come an hour earlier like some of the other regulars did. I asked for some of the music he listened to, he gave me a list. I gave him a mix CD that he didn't like but was polite about and through these interactions we became friendlier. Chatting all night, cracking jokes.

    I would always catch him staring at me and he would look away fast. To be fair I'm very expressive, dance to the music and stuff, so a lot of people end up staring at me admiring my enthusiasm.

    At the end of last month I worked up the courage to give him a note with my number with the cryptic message:
    Sometimes when I look at you
    I think I see something special
    But you never let me look long enough
    To figure out what
    If you change your mind
    Drop the a line.


    And he texted me that night, but also let me know that he is crap at reaching out. Well, he has brought this up several times now to me when we see each other on Saturday about how he has a hard time with action and he's passive and his depression causes it all of these things.

    I had been texting him twice a week, but stopped this week because I felt I wasn't getting anywhere. Besides the first time he's never texted me first and I feel frustrated like I'm the only one who wants to connect.

    He's done things like in person recommends songs for me to listen to, praise my poetry. I could list out plenty of the little things he has done but it's all pretty inconsequential I think. You get the point I'm sure.

    I think about him way more than I want to. There's this feeling of unresolve and I don't know what to do. I've considered stopping going to the open Mike because it's so distressing to me, but I have a positive impact there and enjoy my time with others there too. I've reached out to other people and made successful connections so he is not the only person who I see there.

    It's his hot and cold attitude, friendly one week, withdrawn the next, that causes a lot of turmoil. I'm pretty sure it's depression and when he withdraws the behavior is towards everyone .


    I can't shake the feeling that he also wants to connect but just can't push through his own issues. At the end of the day it doesn't matter because if he can't give back it's not a useful exchange for me.

    So I have adjusted my behavior to pull back and try not to worry about. But my mind just keeps wandering there all the time. When I see him it just starts it all up again.

    I really don't understand WHY it is so important for me to know him. When he is feeling good, we have a great time and laugh and vibe more than I vibe with most people. But it's really not worth when he suddenly goes cold on me. No matter what I do I can't ignore the feeling I have and I really don't know what to do to get it to go away. I don't want to stop going to to the open Mike.
     
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  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius Magniloquent Malapert

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    :<3white:

    God damn feelings. Fuck those things.

    I've no advice for you, though, except not to order your whole life to the whims of one person.
     
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  3. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    I've been the guy who looks away fast. Most of the time she wasn't interested. Then there were times when the girl would find an excuse to start asking me silly questions after I was caught looking. I'd be coy and pretend that I didn't know what was going on. I know for sure if she's interested when she starts finding reasons to innocently touch me. She also looks me in the eyes.

    Hope this helps.
     
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  4. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

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    You answered your own question.
     
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  5. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    It looks like "Check Yes or No". Cute, but not effective. This isn't kindergarten. Also, the message isn't very cryptic. Any warm blooded man could understand that. But it's also kind of weird. THe guy is probably just not interested. It sounds like he's dealing with something, and unless you are already vested in the relationship, it's best to leave it alone.

    I've never understood the pursuit of romance via messaging. Romance requires human contact. Leave the technology where it belongs... in your bedside night stand.
     
  6. Hostarius

    Hostarius Magniloquent Malapert

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  7. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Not looking for a relationship with him of that nature
     
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  8. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    Then what kind of nature? Because maybe he's as confused as I am.
     
  9. Impact Character

    Impact Character But is it Lethani?

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    I may be wrong but I read that you would wish for some good-time, connected relationship with him that is both ways, and that you think he's a bit riddling to you. It isn't what you liked it to fully be though which causes your trouble..?
    Hmh, I was wondering because of the way you describe your feelings and situation of turmoil and not fully being able to let go, though you feel that this sort of push-pull is hurting you:

    Think about you, your reasons and emotions. Does he maybe trigger old, deeper-rooted, and unresolved issues within you? Or he represents something you can learn about yourself in some way?

    In the end we can only deal with our side of it, right? Sometimes we have to use a butterfly net to catch our focus of thoughts and redirect them to ourselves. Especially when it starts to be a big problem or shows a bit as sort of obsessing. (for a lack of a better word sry)


    But I don't know you nor your situation very well, and I apologize if I'm off, or anything of this wording feels hurting.

    I hope you will find some peace and more joy in the open mike experience (you seem to have found something important to you). <3
     
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  10. JustPhil

    Donor

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    I would say based on what has happened to me that this is the case. If you have depression then you know what a kill joy you can be. How, once you fall in you don't want to connect with anyone, and even those that persist in looking out for you - even they eventually fall by the wayside.

    If you get really depressed its hard to even think of any future as you do need to take it one day at a time. You don't make plans .. not long term anyway.

    It sounds like he is interested .. but investing your heart in someone that might leave when they see the "monster within" is difficult.

    I might be wrong, but this is how I always felt ..
     
  11. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Friendship. Or even like a mentorship. I get the sense there's something that needs to be taught and learned
     
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  12. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    It's more along these lines for sure. I can't seem to figure out what I need to do in order to resolve it. So frustrating
     
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  13. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    That is presumptuous at best. If someone wants or needs your help they will ask for it. Just leave it be for now. He knows that your are there for him. and that's enough. Many times just a simple expression of "we miss you", or "I love you", is enough to help people while they are going through something. It's most likely that he isn't ready yet to start moving on from whatever he's going through.
     
  14. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    No I mean a mentorship for me. I feel like I need to learn something
     
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  15. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    But why do you need to learn it from him?
     
  16. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    I don't know. And I also don't know what I'm supposed to learn. That's the only thing I can guess that makes sense but even that doesn't really make sense
     
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  17. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    Time to move on then. What you are trying to achieve is very unproductive.
     
  18. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    That's what I'm trying to do. And I can't figure out why even though I'm moving on I continue to dwell on it. Like I can't control my mind it keeps resurfacing
     
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  19. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    You apparently don't have enough stuff to worry about. If you ain't worried about some real shit, then you ain't livin'. Go and dig something else up that will be more beneficial to you. Make it something that has some real consequences if you don't follow through, like buying a house, or a car.
     
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  20. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Alright
     
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