When does an INFJ give up?

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Paideia

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When does an INFJ (girl) give up on a dating prospect? Is it longer or shorter than your average person?

I'm an ENTP, and met this girl that confused the hell out of me - didn't know she was INFJ. I was very attracted to her, but decided I best avoid coming across as needy because that's just a killer right there. Well, after a couple of dates including smooching, we had one date that was kind of strange - so I decided to not push it and let her come to me if she wanted to see me again. Nothing happened.

I finally got exasperated and in a Facebook chat with her wrote "ok, well I guess that was that then - nice knowing you" and it turns out she was interested in seeing me again but I felt like I kinda blew it with my not-so-subtle hunt for validation. I said "screw it" and asked her out again, and she just said she was kinda busy - so I dropped it, humiliated by own timidity.

So I wrote the whole thing off and spent the next six months reminiscing and wondering what might've been.

Then I noticed she began to take an interest in things I'd usually be interested in. In more ways than one. I wondered if she thought of me kinda like I thought of her. An interesting prospect where the communication got botched.

She wrote me a message on my birthday a few days ago, and I decided I should go ahead and tell her thanks and that I was glad to hear from her.

We began to converse, and she seemed fairly enthusiastic. I hate getting too involved so I only check my facebook twice a day, but she would reply instantly. She asked what I was up to, I told her - she's on an exchange in foreign country now, but has discovered the field I work and finds it very interesting - so in the last message, I told her "that's cool you like it! so now you're thinking about big ideas and global affairs? Exchange programs are usually just six-month long parties :P"

Too late now, but I thought about it... I don't really see what's in that sentence that could be off-putting. So I wonder if I just got my hopes up for no good reason?

Do INFJs have a hard time of letting go of an idea they believe in?
 
What idea/belief won't she give up on? The fact that she reached out to you and spent more than five minutes talking to/messaging you says that she thinks you are worth talking to or at least finding out if you are worth talking to. That is a big thing. I will not spend any effort on a person I do not deem worthy. I will be polite but will not go out of my way. If, however, you pass all if my tests - of which there are many - you have a friend/companion/lover for eternity.
Also, you probably won't change her mind if she is determined about something. She has to figure that out for herself.
 
Thanks for the input TooShy.

I flattered myself she, like me, wasn't convinced we were supposed to just drop our romantic interest.

But you basically answered my question - if she ever thought we had a chance, she'd have a hard time letting that go, yes. So that's good to know.

On the other hand, would INFJ females ever play games - like playing hard-to-get?
 
Paideia said:
Thanks for the input TooShy.

I flattered myself she, like me, wasn't convinced we were supposed to just drop our romantic interest.

But you basically answered my question - if she ever thought we had a chance, she'd have a hard time letting that go, yes. So that's good to know.

On the other hand, would INFJ females ever play games - like playing hard-to-get?
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Hard to get? That's pretty much the only game I play when it comes to attraction. It is not a game, though. She probably has a hard time showing her emotions until she knows for certain you are trustworthy and that takes time.
 
OK. That's actually quite interesting... I met another INFJ, but unfortunately I just wasn't that attracted, but she was chasing me for a while.

In any case, it's probably my imagination the original INFJ was ever very interested, but I am hopeless romantic so I'll just have to not be so melodramatic.
 
Paideia said:
When does an INFJ (girl) give up on a dating prospect? Is it longer or shorter than your average person?
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Well, I'm not a girl, but in dating I think I found it incredibly awkward these communication puzzles. Any introvert, I think, doesn't think the way you appear to be thinking... You are looking for her to give you a sign of some sort, and I think introverts don't "express" like that...

Paideia said:
I'm an ENTP, and met this girl that confused the hell out of me - didn't know she was INFJ. I was very attracted to her, but decided I best avoid coming across as needy because that's just a killer right there. Well, after a couple of dates including smooching, we had one date that was kind of strange - so I decided to not push it and let her come to me if she wanted to see me again. Nothing happened.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I think that is how an introvert would normally behave. She probably does not put out signals, she only responds to signals you put out unless and until she gets used to you and very close to you.

Paideia said:
I finally got exasperated and in a Facebook chat with her wrote "ok, well I guess that was that then - nice knowing you" and it turns out she was interested in seeing me again but I felt like I kinda blew it with my not-so-subtle hunt for validation. I said "screw it" and asked her out again, and she just said she was kinda busy - so I dropped it, humiliated by own timidity.

So I wrote the whole thing off and spent the next six months reminiscing and wondering what might've been.

Then I noticed she began to take an interest in things I'd usually be interested in. In more ways than one. I wondered if she thought of me kinda like I thought of her. An interesting prospect where the communication got botched.

She wrote me a message on my birthday a few days ago, and I decided I should go ahead and tell her thanks and that I was glad to hear from her.

We began to converse, and she seemed fairly enthusiastic. I hate getting too involved so I only check my facebook twice a day, but she would reply instantly. She asked what I was up to, I told her - she's on an exchange in foreign country now, but has discovered the field I work and finds it very interesting - so in the last message, I told her "that's cool you like it! so now you're thinking about big ideas and global affairs? Exchange programs are usually just six-month long parties :P"

Too late now, but I thought about it... I don't really see what's in that sentence that could be off-putting. So I wonder if I just got my hopes up for no good reason?
Click to expand...

How long ago was that? Maybe you haven't given her a chance to respond. Or, maybe she's not sure what kind of response you are looking for. This is the kind of awkwardness I experienced: statements that don't have an obvious response. She might be thinking: "parties?" "Is he looking for me to agree, even if I don't?" "Is he looking for me to laugh?" Without a clear question, you'll probably not get a clear answer if any at all.

Paideia said:
Do INFJs have a hard time of letting go of an idea they believe in?
Click to expand...

Yes, but that's not the right question. With "idea", you are really talking about a relationship. An idea is more like a principal or "rule of thumb". Again, I'm not a girl, but if I felt I couldn't establish communication with someone because she was too confusing and I didn't understand what she wanted, I would not hold onto that relationship. I would let it go rather than struggle. And as I got more mature, I more quickly dropped relationships that weren't working out.

Hope that helps!
 
Lucyjr infjs or real INFJS? Let's define our terms.
 
INFJ's are more comfortable with other people taking the initiative on things, more so than most other personality types - unless their principles are on the line (In which case, pray to your heathen gods). It makes it difficult to be the man in the relationship unless I'm on a self-righteous crusade, and that's just not attractive to the right kind of girl for me. INFJ's spend a lot of time feeling out a situation, waiting to get "comfortable" - which is more of waiting to see what's permissible in a given context and adapting to the expected flow of the situation. A person initiating contact is a huge test to pass when an INFJ is judging if they're wanted. Someone who suddenly breaks off communication, or stops initiating where they were before without clearly communicating why will be assumed to no longer be interested. That being said, INFJ's are also calculating - she probably liked you before you liked her if she agreed to a date, and will continue well after you give up. At the very least, you passed a lot of tests to get to the dating point.

Well, that's how I am with girls at least, except for me I'm also initiating the date.

From what you said, you were right not to come off as needy as that'd creep any INFJ out, but you should have kept initiating things, ESPECIALLY after something awkward. If she decided she didn't like you, she'd just come up with excuses to avoid you without offering alternative dates, or cut you off for all eternity. No big deal.
 
This is all very interesting.

One of the challenges, in my view, is that this girl is extreeeemely attractive. Since attractive girls have to deal with clingy dudes all the time, I think it's important to be pretty chill - and usually, if a girl likes you, she will ask questions and show rather clearly she wants to keep the conversation going.

In any case, the INFJ in question did finally respond and I think she seemed pretty interested - she asked me what my dissertation was about and then I told her (it's actually legitimately cool - it's about dating economics). She answered the questions I asked her then said my idea sound very interesting, and wished me luck with it, adding a smiley (but all girls do that).

With everyone else I'd be inclined to say that was a polite way to end the conversation. INFJs too?
 
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Never give up, never surrender.
 
Wow... you have a different way of writing.

What's a "serious shit spiritual confirmation"?

So you're saying you are totally deliberate in everything you say? In that case, I'd be more inclined to take "Ah interesting! good luck with that :)" as a conversation-ender :)
 
My opinion on this is, if you two went out on a few dates and there was even the tiniest spark, there's always a chance to try things again. Sometimes having time pass by even helps. You can go back and reminisce about it. You can use the distance from the event to bring you closer. If you really like her and want to pursue things with her again in the future when she gets back, be straight with her. Say something along the lines of: 'hey, I'm glad we're talking again. I felt like something went a little funny the last time we went out and I didn't know what it was. I didn't want to pressure you but I was a little bummed out that things fizzled before they began. I'm not expecting anything to happen now since you're over in [insert country] but I think you're a cool person and I hope we stay in touch."

Yes, this means you're going to have to put things out there, but if you're right and she is an introvert of some kind, chances are she won't open up until you give her a clear signal.

Then again, I think you need to ask yourself why you are posting about this and asking for advice. Do you want to get with this girl or are you looking for validation needed for closure?
 
Oh, I'm pretty clear about what I want and I guess I want to be as thoughtful as possible since I take it so seriously :D

And basically she did turn me down eight months back - but I figured her wishing me a happy birthday was a way to reach out to me, hence this latest convo. But perhaps she was just being nice, although I get the impression from people in here they'd not do that for a guy they onle dated a few times unless she was trying to signal something.
 
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Well I went ahead and responded to the "good luck" message, and dropped a line about going to my brother's wedding, so she can ask about that if she wants to continue the conversation. Here's hoping!
 
If you want to understand what someone is thinking and feeling, just ask them. Just be honest and open.

I dont speak for infjs, im not sure there is such a thing as 'infjs' anyway...but i value directness, honesty, and openess greatly in communication

If you already know what you want, then there is no point feeling all this apprehension, waiting, guessing, and possible anxiety and worry. Dont let another person be responsible for your happiness and your future.
Take responsibility. Just ask. What do you have to lose? What is the worst that could happen? You will then have more information, and will be in a better position to make a decision.
If you are rejected, then atleast you know then and can move on. If it works out, then great, you have started with a good foundation of openess and honesty, which will be a good framework for the future

i think games and guessing is annoying, and pointless, and a waste of your time and energy
 
Oh I wish it were that simple.

The problem is that asking outright is a bad strategy for romance. Romance necessarily hinges on degrees of uncertainty and, for girls especially, mystery. I know this may be a gross generalization, but as a rule it has helped me a great deal so far. I used to be terrible with girls. ENTPs are the most awkward teenagers. Difficult times!

In any case, coming out shooting may in fact be a bad move, when a different move might achieve a different outcome. Otherwise I'd agree with you totally, and I especially liked the TheDaringHatTrick's message suggestion. It was very non-threatening. Based on what this girl said eight months ago I'd say she was not interested at ALL - but then other things popped up that got me thinking, including this conversation, until the final odd "good luck with that (smiley)".

In any case, I sent the last message acknowledging what she wrote and mentioned my brother's wedding, so if she does want to continue the conversation (because she's interested), she can. If she wants to end it (because she's not interested), she can drop it there. Surely that's an excellent compromise - writing the stuff TheDaringHatTrick suggested is perhaps a bit premature given that she's not responded to the latest, but it is probably a good idea but lay it out that I still think of her romantically.
 
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