[PUG] - When a relationship goes sour... | INFJ Forum

[PUG] When a relationship goes sour...

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by slant, Feb 3, 2010.

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  1. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    What do you do when a loved one, or someone you know, has made a terrible mistake? When you know something they don't, and it would break their heart to hear it?

    Mainly, what I'm talking about here is that familiar situation we're all faced with at least once in life. When one of your gal pals or best buddies starts dating a girl, and then you find out the girl is cheating on him. When someone marries a woman who's a gold digger and you uncover a trail of men she's robbed and divorced, her name changed to cover it all up.

    It seems that 'love' is a binding force that can cause people to become blind to all negativity. They don't want to hear anything that is bad about their lover, and if they do hear something they are the first to claim someone is lying to make them break up so they won't be happy. But, some people, in fact most people, are in love with the concept of love so much that they are willing to ignore all signs of trouble and dive into something head on.

    I've been told, it's better not to say anything. If you know something that may be detrimental to someone's relationship, to let them discover it on their own. Because think of the complications of telling yo friend that you know for a fact her boyfriend is sleeping around with other women- because he tried to sleep with you. The first thing people tend to do for some reason is avoid the idea, deny it, and then try to prove you wrong.

    Is it because they know it's true themselves, that they pick up on the clues but just don't want to believe it?

    What about the people who are forever in the dark about their partner's dark secrets, not doing a thing to get them out of harms way?

    This can happen to just about any relationship; friends, family as well as lovers.

    But I want to focus on lovers for right now. Hopefully you know the concept I am speaking of. If not I suppose I can try to explain it better.

    So here are some questions:

    1. If you found out some information like the above stated that would put a friend's relationship in jeopardy, but it was something important for them to know, what would you do? If this has happened to you, what did you do, and what did you gain from that experience?

    2.Why do people try to cover their ears and not listen when something negative is brought up about their partner that has substantial, even undeniable evidence to back it up. What is it about romantic love that keep people from wanting to face the truth on matters?

    3. Should a person interfere with another person's relationship? For example, the kid who was molested by his mother's boyfriend, who tells his mother and his mother doesn't believe him- is it really worth the effort to tell someone and then have they just blatantly dismiss it like that?

    I can't think of anymore questions but I think it's a good topic, yeh?

    Also, I don't know what happened to the tags in this thread.
     
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  2. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I think I would tackfully say something....you know, in a way that allows them to either pick up on the information (and ask more) or glide past it if they choose (sometimes ideas need time to simmer). It would be hard to stand by as a friend and do/say nothing.
     
  3. yumiii

    yumiii Community Member

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    - I would tell my friend. I know that it's often said that it's better for them to find out on their own, but I would really want to tell them and have a shot at trying to convince them about the truth in the situation than have not done anything at all. Why stand back and wait for them to get hurt more when you could do something to end it quicker altogether?

    - I think you've answered this in your own post. Some people are so in love about the concept of love that they purposely ignore the truth to keep on living in the wrong side of fantasy land.

    - I think it's situation-dependent, though I would try my best to help. Based on your example, I'd say yes, just because I'm not the type of person who would stand back and just let something happen when I could do something about it.
     
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  4. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    I wouldn't be able to hide this information. Ultimately I would tell my friend, and I would expect the same. The way in which I convey the information would vary greatly depending on the context.

    People invest significant emotions into a relationship and at times they even overlook absolutely obvious facts because their emotions rule their thinking process. Even if something is logical, they are pulled forward by their emotions because the force is so strong.


    It is absolutely irresponsible and immature to dismiss an accusation without detaching yourself and looking at the situation. For someone who's thinking process is already ruled by feelings (not saying that is the case in this scenario) it is probably almost impossible to do when in "love." Once realization of the truth comes into view of the mother in this scenario, I could very much think she would be devastated. In the child's case, I would hazard a guess that a massive amount of irrational shame starts to build at this point because everyone dismisses their claim, people that have potentially held quite credible opinions in the past.

    The child needs to understand that his mothers credibility is most certainly prone to mistakes and that he needs to get help as soon as possible from external sources if his mother is not willing or able to deal with the situation.

    The significant other in the relationship is either a lier or at least a deceiver in addition to a pedophile and has absolutely no place in their home, even if he is a good romantic partner for one specific person.

    Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not come within 250 feet of a school.

    Roast 'em. The hardest part is actually obtaining evidence.
     
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  5. OP
    slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    104 views and only 3 replies? C'mon, guys...
     
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  6. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

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    inform the person and then let them make a decision
     
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  7. The Jester

    1. If you found out some information like the above stated that would put a friend's relationship in jeopardy, but it was something important for them to know, what would you do? If this has happened to you, what did you do, and what did you gain from that experience?

    I would tell him/her if it was a good friend.
    I never had to luckily.


    2.Why do people try to cover their ears and not listen when something negative is brought up about their partner that has substantial, even undeniable evidence to back it up. What is it about romantic love that keep people from wanting to face the truth on matters?

    Well,
    1) if you're accepting the fact that you've been wrong about your partner, then you might be partly to blame because you should've seen it coming. (I'm not saying here that people who got cheated on are to blame.)
    2) I think that when you're just seeing the good sides of people when you're in love. Of course, this is relative, it depends on the person.


    3. Should a person interfere with another person's relationship? For example, the kid who was molested by his mother's boyfriend, who tells his mother and his mother doesn't believe him- is it really worth the effort to tell someone and then have they just blatantly dismiss it like that?

    Yes, because you won't know for sure if they'll dismiss it.
    And I'd still tell it, even if I knew they wouldn't believe me.
     
  8. Sensate Sleep

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    Tact is over-rated.

    People only say "it's better not to say anything" because they are inherently too cowardly to deal with the repercussions of their actions. They do not want to have to defend their actions, or stand by the person if the other individual takes issue with them telling the other person the truth. Self-preservation and all that.

    If you care about your friend, you tell them. They deserve the truth, no matter how much it might hurt at the time. They don't need to be led on by some asshole who can't treat them with the most basic human respect.

    If they are ever half a friend, they will appreciate you for it.
     
    #8 Sensate Sleep, Feb 5, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  9. Roger

    Roger ...

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    First thing, to keep anyone in dark room does not make sense at all. Itself says a lot of things, it means you are liar, you have done something wrong or terrible mistake. You know, if you open it, what will happen here, you will get a chance to correct it, you'll suffer for a time like couple of months or year, but at least you will realize mistake and yes, you can mend that relationship too. But if anyone want to do this, he need great courage and faith for comeback. Most people don't try this, you can see path is full of difficulties.

    1. There is always something to learn from every occasions or mistake as well. So here first i will take critical steps, if this has happened to me. I will leave that person for one reason. I will try to make them realize about it. If person has realization and knows about its damage, it is enough i can excuse that person and would like to take promise from them, not to do again in future. I know i am going to suffer equal as partner, but i also know i am with them and i am there for them for help.

    2. I think, it is because of their resistance in their mind. When something opens up, their mind starts thinking about lot of things. Safety, chance of coming back, what if that truth is proven, what if i am not with them, many things you can guess. But here i will tell them gently running away from truth will make you them tired and in last they will keep doing wrong and will not able to come out from that lie trap. Such situation needs support and more love, if you have true love for partner.

    3. If it is necessary then we must interfere into another person's relationships. If there is doubt then make it clear. It is question of our life, relationships and other related things.
     
  10. Skoffin

    Skoffin <font color=#00EE99>She Whose Name We Do Not Speak

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    I would flat out tell my friend what I found out, it's then up to them how they use the information.
    I have a friend who has recently been screwed around by a girl who I had told that this bitch would end up fucking him over, he did not seem to disagree with me but did try to rationalise sticking it out. In the end he got shafted quite badly and now endures my 'I told you so' particularly as this is the third time such a scenario has played out. It seems he has now decided to tell me about a girl first and see what I think before connecting with them. Aheh


    Chemicals in our brains make us stupid? I really have no other way to explain it.

    You should tell them, however if a supposed loved one would not even look into something like that in favour of their romantic partner then I'd cease any contact with that person for being the lowlife cockhead that they are.
    As for interfering in a relationship it depends what the reasons are. If it's simple for you not liking them then no, however if something significant has been found out about them then yes.

    Aheh, I pretty much agree with this.
     
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    #10 Skoffin, Feb 5, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  11. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    I admit mostly the problem's this. The problems are on me, as it is to them. I'm afraid to stand on the truth, to well, think / believe that they would ALWAYS accept that truth and thank me graciously for my trouble to tell them the truth~~ right. There are people who don't.
    1. Told it straight to them. Done that; should've told them in a nicer way. One, she don't took it straight to the heart; worse than denial (ESTJ, btw), this is "I understand, and I still want to be with him". Stupidity?
    Another one (not only me) was already too devastated of the truth to do anything.
    2. You said it;
    I...am quite clueless myself as to why does this happened. I can say there's a difference between the bolded part and intense loyalty, tho. Those with intense sense of loyalty are best asked with these question:
    They both can have the same source; The romantic idea of faith; of being such a love martyr; Infatuation; Fidelity; even belief of change; hope; ideals.

    Think Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love"; or Destiny Child's "Girl", both has these elements for their "sticking to the one and only" decision, and I can't blame them nor the people who'd done this. Their decision MAY do good for the involved parties. Maybe to them, it's worth it. But if the person they're sacrificing themselves aren't worth it...nothing can be done. Just sit down and hope the car crash wouldn't happen, or look at its marvels. Or look away.

    3. It's always worth the effort to speak. Silence won't do any good; at least dismissal proves that you have to solve the problem yourself, or that you can't do anything.
     
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