What's more important: what someone thinks about you or how they treat you? | INFJ Forum

What's more important: what someone thinks about you or how they treat you?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Oct 15, 2010.

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  1. What someone thinks, absolutely

    21 vote(s)
    29.2%
  2. How they treat me, absolutely

    26 vote(s)
    36.1%
  3. Both equally

    25 vote(s)
    34.7%
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  1. Gaze

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    What's more important: what someone thinks about you or how they treat you?


    Poll to be added . . .
     
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  2. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    If somebody thought well of you, why would they treat you poorly?
     
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  3. rogarn

    rogarn Community Member

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    I don't care how you think about me as long as you don't try to hurt me. Then war begins. Nothing is ever personal, till you make it that way.
     
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  4. OP
    Gaze

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    That simple, huh?
     
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  5. IndigoSensor

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    I would say they are both important. However I would place more importance on how they treat you. Simply because actions have a stronger direct impact on you as a person then thoughts. However, thoughts are a very important factor, as this influences the actions you would impose upon another person (whether positive or negative). It could also lead to a sense of distrust and dishonest. Just because someone treats you well, does not mean they think well of you. While personally I would be glad that they treat me well, but it would be dissapointing to learn that it could be a show in effect. Good intentions behind this though would soften this by a high degree.
     
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  6. OP
    Gaze

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    This^^^

    Can't really feel comfortable with someone who is very nice and polite, but doesn't think that much of the person. I have a ton of these people in my family, and it's the most uncomfortable thing to be around them.
     
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    #6 Gaze, Oct 15, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2010
  7. jyrffw54

    jyrffw54 שכינה עוֹלֶה

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    A person can detest me with every fiber of their being, but if they can treat me civily, then we're good.
     
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  8. OP
    Gaze

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    Doesn't this depend on the type of relationship you have with someone?

    Whether friend, coworker, acquaintance, significant other, family member, etc.?
     
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  9. jyrffw54

    jyrffw54 שכינה עוֹלֶה

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    It does, to a point. I honestly don't really care what people think of me. I mean, a lot of people, especially in middle school did not think very highly of me, but they still showed me respect, for the most part, so it didn't bother me, especially since they weren't my friends.

    With friends, it matters to an extent. We're human and obviously not all our thoughts about other people are going to be benevolent. But if a friend has excessive negative thoughts about you, which usually become obvious, then they need to talk to you about why they are feeling that way. Same goes for significant others, and family. Communication and honesty is the key, and utilizing this fact has enhanced relationships.

    With aquaintances, I mildly care what they think, especially if they could be a potential friend, but they shouldn't be thinking bad of you, unless you are being fake and flaky.
     
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  10. OP
    Gaze

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    ok, makes sense.
     
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  11. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Too idealistic? I can't think of when a person would treat me poorly if they actually genuinely thought well of me though... outside of some sadistic scenario where they were forced to do something through no fault of their own.

    I think it's total bullshit when people don't like somebody, yet kiss their ass... which happens a lot. So, I'd much prefer somebody to actually like me and maybe treat me like dirt for something that isn't really their fault anyway. Shit happens.
     
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  12. OP
    Gaze

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    Agree, because then i know i'm not at fault. I guess I don't mind if someone doesn't like me, as long as i'm not held responsible for those feelings, especially when it's a personal issue and has nothing to do with anything i can control.

    i won't argue that treatment is not important, because it is. But, as you've said, how someone thinks has a significant effect on the way they behave. Although many people are good at hiding how they really feel, and for good reason.
     
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    #12 Gaze, Oct 15, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2010
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  13. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Both equally, but I'll settle for politeness in my professional relationships.
    Being kind and respectful to people you don't like is the mature thing to do because the world does not revolve around any of our moods or egos.
    If you don't like me, I don't care so long as we can get shit done. I prefer employment stuff and school work with others to be pretty objective and remain goal oriented.

    Personal relationships on the other hand are different. In those situations it's best if the negative attitude is brought to light and resolved.
    I'm thinking of people unhappy with each other in romantic relationships or friendships.
    One cannot keep up the polite facade without their true feelings eventually exploding or imploding in on them.
     
    #13 acd, Oct 16, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2010
  14. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    Always how they treat me; what they think is only relevant to the extent that it influences how they treat me.
     
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  15. Oranguh

    Oranguh Community Member

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    MUST POST

    aaaaah! sorry for necro'ing this thread, but I was skimming through the forums (like I always do because I only lurk. But Hey! at least I made an account xD)

    Anyways, I just had to post because this is something that resounds deeply in me due to personal circumstances. I find myself.... often forcing myself to forgive others for their actions purely because the intentions were not purely evil. This.... "reaction" from me can vary to a very large range of situations. To strangers making rude comments to close friends and family saying very hurtfull things.

    During my high school years I would often wear the most ridiculous clothing such as witch hats (the reason why I did that aside). I would often find myself victim of very nasty comments and humiliation. Although I could defend myself very well verbally and act accordingly to social protocol in the given situation... I could never find it in my heart to despise them. I would often find myself reciting the fact that people in this age group and social atmosphere have certain insecurities towards their peers and their hurtfull actions are therefore barely related to me as an individual, with this I could never bear any lasting resentments. (Although I must admit in the heat of the moment all things are experienced differently and my emotions are fleeting, but I do not see "fleeting emotions" as important)

    The same goes for when total strangers say or do the rudest things. Those people probably had a bad day, perhaps that's how they cope with life? Perhaps they have never been blessed with a life that has allowed them to grow into more polite people. All in all I cannot find that their actions are truly 100% their fault.

    For friends and family it is a bit more difficult to overcome conflicts. Mostly because of the fact that I am much less leniant towards people I know better, I have a certain degree of "expectation" towards them. Therefore after heavy clashes I am angry and in denial due to this certain "etiquette" they have apparantly failed to meet. But after times has passed I am able to reflect better on myself and the situation. I then am able to realize once again that intentions are more important than the actions themselves and that the relationship is much more important than a petty argument. This usually leads me to a more proactive stance towards the individual, which to me is the foundation of reparing relations.

    Now I understand this may come over as something very smug to claim. You could see it as people not being "worth" my rage. You could see me as "superior" to others by claiming to be an all forgiving being. (but I never share thoughts like these in the real world >.> only here, so you must forgive me, pleaaaase)

    But the thing is.... I am often confronted by the fact that people disagree heavilly with me. After I realize that people think very differently about "intent and action" I am often left confused. To me intent is infinitely more important than action because intent is to me, the truth.To me actions are often diluted by misunderstandings and only serves as a medium (oftentimes a bad one) for intent.

    In the end I feel that I am not here to condemn people's actions as evil or just.To me Justice is relative. If one person truly believes that he/she is doing good by doing something that is in my eyes, bad. Who am I to judge that his version of justice is lesser than mine? Naturally.... If you murder someone believing you are doing good (crusades, wars, or even plain revenge) then that is usually not applicable for our society(but that's a whole different concept). I believe I can never be in position to claim that the individual in question has done evil. (but just because you cannot claim them as being evil does not mean you shouldn't preserve society, but then again this is very hypocritical because our current society is based on certain values.... but you know that's a whole different topic.)

    Once again sorry for brining back this thread to life >.< But I had to share, this has been bothering me for quite a long time and I wish to understand the view of other's more. (oh yea sorry for grammar and stuff :p not my best quality)
     
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  16. middle1

    middle1 Hellur

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    I would have to say how they treat me. I treat everyone with respect, at the least, whether I like them or not, and I hope others to do the same for me.
     
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  17. ontheroadtohope

    ontheroadtohope Regular Poster

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    What someone actually thinks of me is much more important. Actions can be influenced by something as arbitrary as what kind of mood the person is in that day. Actions also don't always correctly represent a person's actual thoughts. I'm usually nice and polite to people whom I neither respect or like, and knowing how easy it is for me makes me much more aware of how capable other people are of doing the same thing. What someone thinks about me is much more important because it is the 'truth', so to speak.
     
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  18. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    Bingo. +1 :smile:


    cheers,
    Ian
     
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  19. under skies

    under skies Community Member

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    [MENTION=3323]Oranguh[/MENTION]; I definitely relate to your post, particularly the parts quoted above.


    I voted for both, as I think both have their places.

    However, in most situations, intent is much more important to me. I realize that people can't always very easily convey what they mean and that sometimes stuff doesn't come across in just the right way, for whatever reason. ("It's the thought that counts.")
     
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  20. Jana

    Jana Searching...

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    Not necessary, people might love you or like you, but anyway be hursh sometimes. It depends. Some people don't get that they treat you poorly. Example, treating poorly is one thing in eye of Feeler that in eye of Thinker etc....So, no, it is not that simple, I experinced it:)
     
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