What would you do?

[somethingpancake]

So there's this party thrown by my grandfather's girlfriend's daughters. It's this Saturday and I really don't want to go.

The thing is that my grandfather's girlfriend is really nice and all, but her daughters, especially one of them, really gives off negative vibes towards me. In fact, my grandfather's girlfriend and her daughters, including my grandfather at times, have been known to talk smack about my mom behind her back. My mother isn't perfect and neither am I, but it's still no reason to talk shit. Her daughter's even once planned a boating trip, invited my mother, told her they would pick her up and never came. Talk about being dicks. One of her daughters is sort of nice and talks to me when I occasionally see her while visiting my grandfather, but the other one usually ignores me(even when i helped move her house for nothing in return because i wanted to be friendly, contribute and spend time with my grandpa who was there, or at my great aunt's funeral when she showed up, said hello to everyone and skipped over me). My grandfather has a lot of money and they seem to take advantage of his good graces at times(they make good money themselves but my grandfather ended up paying for everyone at his own birthday party.) I could understand if you don't have much money, but they could of chipped in or at least payed for their meals, especially since they chose to eat the most expensive crap on the menu. But no, instead they talked to him about buying a used Audi from their dealeship... so he decided to support them... and bought the car, which he then ended up having to spend a bunch of cash on to fix up.

I'm an INFJ, somewhat depressed and I have social anxiety, which isn't the best cocktail for social situations, especially under these circumstances, when I know these people have and are still looking down their noses at me for not being "normal" (not having a regular 9 to 5, trying to build my own business, focusing on creativity, not in college). I'm trying to figure my life out by beating my own path and I always feel like I suck for doing so when i'm around them, because all they ask me about is where i'm at in life, which is typical conversation for people you rarely see, but i know their intentions are just to get ammo. I know they don't genuinely care or want me to succed. You can just feel the digging when they ask you questions.

My mom does everything for my grandfather, helps with finding him doctors for his meds, upkeeps a house he's trying to sell...even mowed the lawn and shoveled the snow off the roof of the house for years when i wasnt here) and a million other things, but he still treats her badly, sometimes even telling her to "shut her mouth" to her face.

My mom wants me to go to this party. She says I need to learn to deal with people like this in life, which is true, but I just don't have any motivation to spend a day pretending to enjoy myself while feeling self-conscious, stressed, anxious and under the miscroscope, being looked down on, and also knowing these people talk badly about us behind closed doors. If it was business I could understand, but this is a social gathering, which is personal. I have nothing to gain. My mom just wants to make my grandfather happy no matter what, even if she has to deal with the worst crap, and she has all her life. Personally, I don't want to be that person, and I don't get why she's trying to make me feel guilty for not wanting to go.

I don't hate these people, I just don't feel like giving them my time and attention.

What would you do?

 

[this is only temporary]

Ugh, I'd find some excuse not to go if I were you, unless you think your mom or grandfather really need you there, because I am really really really bad at putting up with people I can't stand, especially when stressed, and it usually just makes a bad situation worse.

But your mom's right, sometimes you do have to learn to deal with people like this! They're not going away, I can promise you that.

If you must go, go prepared with ideas of things to talk about, just smile politely and leave quickly. Learn a few non-committal phrases. "Isn't that interesting?" is a good one. "What movie have you watched recently?" works well too, and try to rehearse topics to talk about that won't make you too irritated. People who ask nosy questions often like to have the same questions asked of them, so maybe try asking them where they went to college, what they did there, what their favorite class was, what they are doing with their life, and then sit back and listen.

Bad topics are: Personal, health, money, or family problems. Divorce or death. Gory crimes and decaying moral values of Western civilization. Layoffs and gloomy economic predictions. Terrorism, war, pestilence, and famine. Emotionally charged issues such as abortion, welfare, or capital punishment. Sex, politics, and religion.

 

[Sensiko]

if i were in your shoes i would go... it would be good to hang out with gramps and make your mom happy...

listen, these women have already made their minds up about you... so fuck it, they can suck a big one... have some drinks eat their food and have a good time with gramps and anyone else who is nice... maybe bring some music... show off what you’ve done...

when they ask what you’re up to take some pride in your accomplishments... you create music... you have vision... you’re doing what you love... you are young... no one can ask for anything more in life... and if money means that much to them then they have sold their souls and are flat out jealous... you don’t need to prove anything to anyone but yourself...

 

[cvp12gh5]

[MENTION=9364]Dom Marx Lapalme[/MENTION]

What is your relationship like with your Grandfather? I see you mentioned that he is basically a douche to your mom, but how does he treat you?

 

[somethingpancake]

[MENTION=6281]CrazyBeautiful[/MENTION]

He's alright. We mostly talk about politics and stuff. He never acts like a douche with me and he's helped me out financially when needed, but i've heard he talks negatively about me behind my back as well. Public image is very important to him. He's not an evil person at heart, but he tends to be very judgemental. When I see him, he sometimes tells me that life is about doing what you love and he shares great advice regarding business and people. But he's deaf in one ear and half deaf in the other, so talking with him at parties is difficult for him and he hates it. Plus I rarely get to sit with him at these events since hes surrounded by people all the time.

 

[cvp12gh5]

[MENTION=6281]CrazyBeautiful[/MENTION]

He's alright. We mostly talk about politics and stuff. He never acts like a douche with me and he's helped me out financially when needed, but i've heard he talks negatively about me behind my back as well. Public image is very important to him. He's not an evil person at heart, but he tends to be very judgemental. When I see him, he sometimes tells me that life is about doing what you love and he shares great advice regarding business and people. But he's deaf in one ear and half deaf in the other, so talking with him at parties is difficult for him and he hates it. Plus I rarely get to sit with him at these events since hes surrounded by people all the time.

If you have a good rapport with your Grandfather, then I would say you should definitely attend the party. It's not about them, it's about him.

You seem to be a little insecure about not having everything in life completely figured out at the moment (don't worry, even the best of them don't have it all figured out no matter how easy they make it look!) and her daughter's intensify this feeling of doubt. Maybe it's just in your head? Or, maybe it's not and they really are looking down on you...in that case, F*CK em. Go to the party, have a good time and try not to worry about them. If they ask questions about your life, give a simple answer: "I'm happy as hell so I guess everything is great!" Then move along. No need to stand around talking to people you don't like.

As for your Mom's relationship with your Grandfather...that's between them. If she doesn't have a problem with it, then what can you do about it really? Not much. Unless you want to have a one-on-one with him to ask him why he seems to talk down on her the way he does? Up to you. Maybe he doesn't realize he is doing it and bringing it up will help him change? Anything is possible.

My Mom and G-mom had the same relationship that you described between your mom and g-pop. And my grandmother treated me like gold, so very similar. Anyhow, I talked to my g-mom about it and she told me the reason she treated her that way was because she didn't trust my mother. My g-mom had money and she felt that my mother kissed her ass so that she wouldn't be written out of the Will. Because who treats you that good when you treat them like shit unless there is an ulterior motive, right? lol. Anyhow, my grams passed away last year and it turns out that she was half right about my mother's motives.

So maybe he acts this way for a reason. You never know. Not saying that it's a trust thing but maybe something else. If I were you, I would talk to him. But that's just me. I like to know "why" people act a certain when it's not completely obvious on the surface. She treats him good and he shits all over her. Not fun to watch.

Anyway, good luck and have fun at the party!

 

[somethingpancake]

I am pretty insecure about it actually lol. I just feel that by going there, I would only see my grandfather for a few minutes and spend the rest of the day with people who aren't genuine and dont respect me. I already have enough social anxiety to deal with being at parties with people I like and trust...man I don't know. On one hand i'd like to go to please my grandfather, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not taking a stand and respecting myself by attending a party thrown by and for people who look down on me. I was even asked by my granfathers girlfriend why i rarely attend the parties when her daughters are there anymore. Her theory was it might be because "i think im better than them" which was really strange. I told her it was for personal reasons that have nothing to do with me thinking im better than anyone, because im not. In fact, I have spent most of my life feeling like less than everyone else. Anyways, i'll think about it. I'd just feel like i'm betraying my self worth by going.

 

[Always thinking]

You sound like an amazing and very articulate young man. There are probably a thousand reasons why you can think of not to attend the party and they are all probably ligit. Your anxiety is speaking loudly to you but that stuff is never true. It's always a lie, tho it feels real. I would go to the party for an hour and eat the food and put on a smile because you are a one of a kind and don't let other people's MIS judgements define you. Tell yourself the truth, you can go and survive and don't let the haters win! Compliment them on the great food and be on your way! Good luck!

 

[Sensiko]

Her theory was it might be because "i think im better than them" which was really strange.

that whole INFJ/aloof thing bites me in the ass all the time... i just spoke with a guy i worked with for a long time... who got to know me pretty well and said that i do give of that vibe... i don’t consider myself aloof at all but then again you have no control over how people perceive you

but on the other hand I feel like I'm not taking a stand and respecting myself by attending a party thrown by and for people who look down on me.

they may or may not be looking down at you... it could be all in your head... you don’t know what people think unless you ask them... just like your grandpa’s girlfriend assumed that you think you’re better than them...

I'd just feel like i'm betraying my self worth by going.

you could look at it that way... but you also could look at it as you advocating for yourself and your self worth... good luck in whatever you choose to do

 

[bagelriffic]

If I didnt want to go I wouldnt, this happened to me recently with an uncles bday party. I got some flak from the family but they got over it. Last I checked its my life and I dont tell others how to live theirs, why should they make choices for mine?

With that said maintaining relationships with friends or family that can or do benefit you makes sense for obvious reasons. If that were the case id stick it out and remember these things dont always go how I think theyre going to anyway.

 

[barbad0s]

but on the other hand I feel like I'm not taking a stand and respecting myself by attending a party thrown by and for people who look down on me.

I think that you could approach attending this party as a way to exercise self-love and self-respect in spite of being in a situation that would normally make you feel like those parts of you are being crushed. Perhaps a bit of how you feel about yourself creates a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy in the attitudes of other people. They pick up on your insecurity, think there is something off with you, and treat you poorly accordingly. Maybe experiment with your outlook and your approach this time around. Things might turn out a little differently. You might learn something. Things might go better than expected.

 

[somethingpancake]

Thanks for the advice guys!

 

[Nixie]

I agree with [MENTION=3998]niffer[/MENTION] . Sometimes we develop what I call the "inner critic" whose sole role is to make you feel small and powerless. Your inner critic seems intent on eating away at your sense of self worth...where every word and gesture is some kind of condemnation about you and your life choices. On one hand, you should realize you just aren't that important...that people are endlessly saying things about you. On the other hand, you should also realize that IF they are saying stuff about you, that you have the control over whether or not you allow that to affect you...I mean, if they aren't important to you, why bother letting them hurt you? I would say that if your mind is made up, don't go. But if you want to learn to be stronger and powerful, go and determine you will have a good time beforehand.

 

[somethingpancake]

[MENTION=3096]Nixie[/MENTION]

I agree with the inner critic, and i'm trying really hard to learn to understand and tame it. I'm also still trying to "find myself", so there's a lot of constant questions, insecurities, doubts, and stress currently translating as anxiety. I'm aware facing certain sticky situations outside of my comfort zone is an essential part of life and discovering who we are, and I don't want to avoid that.

I'm not really sure what you mean when you say "realize you just aren't that important..." I don't see myself as the center of the universe nor am I paranoid everyone is constantly talking about me if that's what you mean, but I am able to sense when people aren't being genuine or treat me and others without respect. I guess I see it as more of a choice between subjecting myself to these types of people or not. Again, I know avoiding these types of people all the time is impossible and I will have to deal with them throughout my life, but you should also understand I'm even having a hard time understanding and loving myself right now, so everything coming at me, good or bad, is amplified. I'm trying to learn to be important to myself, because so far I haven't.

They know I'm going through a phase and have certain insecurities, because it shows, but they just don't seem to care about anything other than learning and talking about those insecurities. They aren't interested in the positive things, they look for what isn't going well, you know? There's people like that and sometimes I just don't see the point in choosing to deal with them...that's all.

I appreciate your post!