What Should Partners Offer In A Relationship? | INFJ Forum

What Should Partners Offer In A Relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Aug 10, 2016.

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  1. Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    So, writing about this in a blog, and thought it would be "cool" to see what everyone believes partners should "offer" in a relationship. What do you expect of a good (not necessarily ideal) partner? What do you think you or your partner offer each other that's different from everyone else?
     
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  2. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    I don’t expect anything out of anyone any longer. I simply accept them as they are. This is because every time I expected anything, I would inevitably have a heartache.

    And for sure, shoulds and supposed-tos are for myself only, and never directed at other people.

    All I know is what I need, and I can ask someone if they would be willing and able to help me meet those needs.

    As for what I could offer...I’ll have to think about that for a while. If you had asked me about the ways in which I am challenged, i.e., flaws, I would have been able to rattle them off without delay or much thought.


    Sad That,
    Ian
     
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  3. OP
    Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    So, I'm going to embarrass you a bit. :D

    You are:
    • Thoughtful
    • Considerate
    • Intellectual, informed
    • Open and honest
    • Sincere, genuine
    • Easy going
    • Interesting
    • Varied interests and talents
    • Quirky cool
    • Nice
    • Very observant
    • Reflective
    • Self aware
    • Curious
    • Respectful
    • Appreciative
    :)
     
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    #3 Gaze, Aug 10, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2016
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  4. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    You know, I don’t feel embarrassed, but I do feel so emotionally soft, tender even, and just blessed and grateful that someone saw that in me, and in particular, that you saw that.

    Expression of witness from someone I hold in high esteem always has great weight, even when it is lighter than air.


    Thank You, Most Kindly,
    Ian
     
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  5. OP
    Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    To answer the question, I think expectations are likely relative to the person. Each person has varying traits or qualities they find important to make the relationship worth the effort to them. I agree having great or grand expectations is probably not healthy, but to make a romantic partnership work, at the base, most people likely want to know they can trust the person, feel compatible in interests, views or values, they are reliable, somewhat sensitive or responsive to our feelings or needs.

    From my end, I think one of the traits I've learned is important is having a listening ear. I am glad to know I've been someone who allowed people to feel heard, or understood, offered advice or compassion where needed, and that the person felt comfortable sharing their personal thoughts or feelings with me, and felt important to me when I listened. I want others to feel they can be themselves, and share their feelings openly, without judgment (or I hope that's the impression I gave). I'm glad people have indicated to me that they felt they could talk to me about anything. I probably take pride in this more than anything else. Everything else is relative to the individual person's needs or interests.
     
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  6. OP
    Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    Now, I feel weird about this thread. :D I hope the feeling is not that it's about hyping ourselves or over-boost our egos. It's genuinely meant to inspire us to think about positives in ourselves, valuing the traits or qualities that make us great partners in the lives of those we care about, and also let's us express what we think are great traits in a partner. Since it's so easy to think of the negatives, it's nice to balance that out with a little positive. Hey, I may not be the greatest thing since slice bread, but I think I got a little some'n some'n. lol
     
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  7. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    I thought about some of the things I would want (I have no partner now) and I realized how many of them might only happen given a certain environment. For example, I can want my partner to be open in that she is emotionally available, both to give and receive, but that requires she feels safe to do so, externally, and also internally. Externally, that means she will be listened to and then receive feedback so she can know she was heard, if not understood. That requires my engagement, acceptance, consideration, and expression, both of my thought and feeling as well as my appreciation for her having shared herself with me. And what she shares is of no consequence to what is required so that she may share, i.e., I want to do my part whether she is happy, or sad, or angry, and sometimes that will be easy, and sometimes not.

    That is something I would offer, and in like kind, it is something I would want.

    I would offer conflict resolution that is respectful, and focused on understanding one another by means of nonviolent communication.

    I would do what I was able to see her happy, and that might mean going well outside of my comfort zone. That is how important that is to me. Of course, inasmuch as I am human, I’m going to have limits, so there are things I would not be willing to do. But I would do a lot. That is something I would offer, and I would want the same in return.

    I love to cook for other people, so I would offer that for sure. And I only need that in return at least 2 days a week. ;)

    I would offer my easy-going nature. I want people to be comfortable, and for that matter, enjoy themselves because they know they can be themselves.

    I would offer fidelity. I have never cheated, and my will is to never do so.

    I would offer of myself. I would be intimate, and I mean emotionally and psychologically. In part because that is how I want to be, but also because that is something I need from her.

    I would offer my playfulness, such is my need to see and hear people laugh.

    I would offer my frugality, that I live within my means, and have no debt.

    I would offer that I don’t drink or drug, or gamble. Is that clean living?

    I would offer the fact I am committed to my well-being and self-improvement. That means I keep my blood sugar under control, and that I am always willing to learn, and remain open to doing so, among other things.

    I’m a hand-holder and cuddler and spooner, for what that is worth. And not just as a prelude to sex! I really enjoy those things for what they are! :)

    There’s surely other things too, but that’s what came to mind in moments of respite from accounting BS. :confused:


    Thanks,
    Ian
     
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  8. Milktoast Bandit

    Milktoast Bandit That is all

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    I am comfortable as a whole person, secure in my masculine and feminine qualities. What I offer a relationship is my self, my whole self. Emotional support, an environment for positive psychological/spiritual growth, understanding, a safe place to just "be," deep connection, intimacy, romance, passion, laughter, a snuggle partner, a hand to hold, mutual pleasure, strength in vulnerability and love. I also offer farts, burps, grumpiness, laziness, random outbursts of curse words, absurd, immature and offensive jokes, mistakes, and apologies. I offer it all as a gently folded origami swan.

    I expect it to not be discarded like a crumpled piece of paper. I expect honesty, loyalty (fidelity), commitment and respect. Seems simple enough really.

    As awesome as unconditional love is as a concept in a marriage or long term relationship, there are conditions, but only a few really. See above...
     
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  9. hush

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    Respect and love.

    Very simple, very profound, very critical foundations that oft find themselves absent or in short supply.
     
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  10. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known monster
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    I didn't see this thread until now. Though to be honest, I'd probably avoid it if I saw it earlier as relationships are something that I don't really want to think about lately. I'm in the middle of massive personal growth and I want to get settled into my skin before I welcome another person into my life. At the same time, I'm feeling a lot of pressure, like there's a limit to the time I should be taking to do this before the window of opportunity closes and I'm feeling antsy about the whole topic in general.

    But I digress.

    I think that it's enough to say that partners should offer love to the farthest stretch of their current ability and willingness to grow in it together, as people. That, I think, is an umbrella concept that a lot of the positive virtues of the human heart can rally around. Respect, honesty, trust, loyalty, compassion, devotion, and the bravery to simultaneously be oneself and grow oneself.

    Partners should be able to travel together side by side on a shared road of life. Occasionally they can stop to carry one another, tend to injury, encourage one another, make decisions about where they're going together, and not be afraid to stop and ask for directions if they get lost--and not panic and let the worst of themselves out even if they do.

    I'm still finding my road and when I do, I'll be very happy to have a partner by my side.
     
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    #10 sassafras, Aug 13, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2016
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  11. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    Beautiful, and profound.
     
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  12. t5juyt

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    I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm intrigued by people's relationships - how they met, where they met, when did they know they'd found the one. I've delved in my parents' relationship (not one to be emulated...), and those of my sisters (also not to be emulated...). I've written dozens of songs about relationships (only one released. So far).

    And yet, I've never had a LTR. The men that I tried to have relationships with inadvertently did me the favor of blowing me off. However painful it was at the time, they each did me a favor.

    That being said, I've come to value myself and what I have to offer. I offer affection, conversation, communication, trust, monogamy, massages, serenades, space, friendship and more. I would also need to know what things my partner wants that I may not know about. Depending on his needs, I could offer insights based on what I've learned. One such thing is that I don't have the right to enforce my will on anyone, so that would include him. Likewise, I often don't proactively offer advice or guidance. I've learned it's best given to those who come asking for it.

    What would I want? One of the most important things: I like my alone time. I need it, and I will have it. It doesn't mean said partner's company isn't good enough, or annoying, or anything of the sort. My alone time is a need. I would want him to understand this and support. I would probably require another introvert with similar needs and understanding. I would want him to not be insecure about it. Segueway! I would definitely want a self-confident person. Able to laugh at himself but not self-deprecating or self-loathing. A mutual cuddler, but not the smothering type. No jealousy. No infidelity. Able to talk about whatever tough subjects need to be addressed. Fit - physically, mentally, spiritually.

    He would at the very least like my music, but it would be great if he actually enjoyed it and related to it, since it is an extension/expression of me.

    To sum it up, a 100% no-doubt-about-it mutual attraction that extends well beyond the physical.

    And...though physically fit, I would hope mightily that he is not a sports fan...
     
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  13. Wyote

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  14. James

    James Infamy, infamy.. they've all got it infamy
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    Honesty, fidelity, compassion and ... love.
     
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  15. invisible

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  16. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Monogamy, emotional support, financial stability.

    Life-long loyalty.
     
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  17. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    Deep, genuine, profound friendship, laughter, spiritual growth, equal, intellectual, affectionate, intimate, and passionate.
     
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  18. charlatan

    charlatan Permanent Fixture

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    Just be kind/caring (overall -- not just to me). Really don't care if they've got the same passions as me, or any other passions even. I am extremely excitable about cool ideas, but I don't really mix that with loving connections.

    I really think this is too barebones/boring to a lot of people, but I absolutely love it/don't really relate to asking for anything else. I think part of the thing is my enjoyment of ideas is not something I include in intimacy with others. It's fun, sure, but it's the sort of thing I can also do alone (like eating a good meal -- can be fun to do with others but hardly necessary).
     
    #18 charlatan, Jan 22, 2019
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  19. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    Would you not be afraid of the relationship becoming quickly boring, if care is all there is in it?

    I would see care as absolutely necessary, though not sufficient, for a lasting relationship.
     
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  20. charlatan

    charlatan Permanent Fixture

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    Glad you asked and the answer is absolutely unafraid/in fact I find it personally counterintuitive why some have this fear -- I doubt I get anything besides caring from most of my favorite relations, and in a way I think I can motivate this perspective by analogy with the fact that I doubt most people get all their interests satisfied from their partners. Think of this as my situation, and the only 'interest' I get fulfilled by connection to others is the caring one -- but then again, I don't have all that many interests besides that anyway, so that's a huge portion already. It's also worth noting that one has to actually be into the caring relation to find it appealing --- if it's mostly secondary to other interests, probably it's hard to relate to what I say!

    I'm sure I have addictions that wouldn't be satisfied by someone caring (e.g. food!). Intellectual addiction is another that would be hard to give up. Coffee is another.

    On the other hand, what all those 3 things (coffee, food, intellectual theorizing) have in common is they are very divorced, at least for me, from intimacy or human connection. I really generally don't need even in the academic world to hear someone theorize out loud with a passionate voice -- as long as the articles are made available, and I can think about it, that's more than enough. Even those would be quite unnecessary for me if I didn't get stuck and need to see if some book/etc clarifies what I'm stuck on (so in other words, they're more medicine for my own deficiencies than something inherently valuable to me).

    So basically, I get this one thing that I really adore from those I care about, and I get all my addictions fulfilled by nonhuman means. What's there left?

    I think this is very similar to the point some make about not seeing anything necessary about watching movies with their friends, because when you're with a friend, you might want to choose an activity where you can actually talk/interact.
    The analogy for me is that I can essentially divorce almost everything I get enjoyment from completely from human connection, and the only thing that seems intrinsically impossible to do so is the caring relation.
    Even if I share one of those other activities with someone I have the caring relation with, it seems incidental rather than necessary.
    I can already duplicate all of what I value from this by just carrying on my intellectual theorizing or drinking coffee in the presence of those I care about. They don't necessarily need to also drink coffee or partake in the same theorizing -- it adds nothing much for me if they do, really.
     
    #20 charlatan, Jan 22, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2019
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