What is needed to sustain a healthy romance? | INFJ Forum

What is needed to sustain a healthy romance?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jul 31, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    Seems that in romantic relationships, desire for connection and continued interest is important to sustaining the relationship or at least the romance.

    But what's really needed to sustain a romance? Or is that even a worthwhile goal?

    Do you need constant affection, compliments, honeyed words ;), time spent together, or apart to feel connected or loved?

    Can even the simple fact of having an emotional connection be enough?

    What is needed to sustain a healthy romantic relationship?
     
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    #1 Gaze, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  2. eidelweiss

    eidelweiss Regular Poster

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    Not in my opinion. I have an emotional connection to many of my close friends; but I do have one of a different nature with my boyfriend.

    Never be in a serious relationship with some one who bores you, ever. Continued interest is about connection which is about not getting bored and getting appreciation.

    In some ways, I think 'romance' is a bad term for to use here... Romance makes me think of Disney movie expectations and Twilight (shudder). Are your ideas of a romantic relationship more based on the knight and lady ideal or more... (not sure if this is the right way to put it) involving sex?

    You need to appreciate the person and feel appreciated. You can do this through all of the things above. Affection, physical and verbal, compliments (i'm calling those honeyed words as well), time spent together (makes you appreciate each other in day-to-day things, keeps things grounded in reality), and time spent apart (appreciate time spent together).

    You can have emotional connections with many people.

    Sustained 'Romance'= emotional connection + attraction (not just sexual) + good communication + appreciation + growth + luck

    But that's just my two cents.
     
    #2 eidelweiss, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  3. DoveAlexa

    DoveAlexa Chaz's Lovey Bunny
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    Yes it is. It helps if you start as friends with several mutual interests. Interest in each other as people goes a long way to staying interested in a relationship. If you can't have a normal conversation with them, you're screwed.
    You already said whats needed. As per each individual relationship, all that matters is that what you need from the relationship needs to be the same as what your partner wants, or at least mostly. If you're not trying to achieve the same goals, you'll be working against each other.
    Its a worthwhile goal if the people in the relationship think it is. If they don't obviously it won't last cause they don't want that.
    Of course! Not exactly constant though, but we can debate how often constitutes constant some other time.
    If you really do love and care about each other though, those things just happen, but it does take some thought - not exactly effort - to remember to keep doing consistently. Though if you find yourself wanting to not give those things, thats another point of trouble.
    Nope. If the two of you aren't doing anything to actually make the relationship a relationship (doing things together, talking lots, tending to each others' various needs, etc) then there won't BE a relationship. While its not hard nor trying, it doesn't just happen either.
    You're not in a relationship if you just love each other but never do anything. That includes just hanging out.
    Read above XD. Also, experience helps. I know I couldn't be half the girlfriend I am now if I didn't have A. life skills B. life experience and C. relationship experience. All in all, the fact that this current relationship is my best relationship is due in no small part to having had past relationships. Practice makes perfect!
     
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  4. OP
    Gaze

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    My goal was not to solicit a one-size-fits all model for romantic relationships. It was more about what everyone individual sees as ideal for their own relationships.

    Romance is not a bad word. It's just a term used to identify the more personal/emotional/affective aspects of a relationship which may or may not lead in to sensual or sexual desires or needs.

    First of all, everyone is different and everyone's relationship and relationship needs are different. Healthy for one person is unhealthy for another. For example, i may like a compliment once in a while, but i don't need it. I'd rather time spent with the person than receive honeyed words ;). Yes, i'd want to know or feel that the person is interested - i'd definitely want their attention, but how they show it is dependent on what we individually need.

    And time apart i think is very important because if i'm with them 24/7, then i'd drive them crazy or they'd drive me insane.

    And i agree that an emotional connection is important and so it's likely that we would need more than that to make the relationship stable. But again, who's to say that for someone else, just knowing how each other feels is not enough?

    But i'm not sure relationship experience is necessary. Not that it doesn't help or better prepares someone for a relationship, but i think it's pretty possible to have a reasonably decent relationship without that much experience.
     
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    #4 Gaze, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  5. DoveAlexa

    DoveAlexa Chaz's Lovey Bunny
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    Well, I have enough experience for us (me and chaz) both. He'd be an example of your bolded statement.
    Though, its luck that makes you get into that good working relationship the first try.
     
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  6. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    A similar set of expectations and the resources to meet them is all you need. I'm not going to say that romance has to be x, y, and z because some I find some relationships very romantic that others don't find romantic at all.
     
  7. OP
    Gaze

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    interesting. this is why i started the thread. I wanted to get a variety of perspectives on what is considered romantic.

    Could you give an example?
     
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  8. sassafras

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    If I were to generalize, I would say honesty and openness. I think there is nothing worse than falling in love and beginning a relationship with someone who plays games in order to sustain your affections, or doesn't tell the truth in order to avoid conflict. I'm of the opinion that partners should be on the same page in terms of what they expect and what they are capable of offering to one another. I think if any of those components are missing or are skewed, there's the potential for resentment and/or disloyalty to be secretly brewing beneath the surface... two things that can really poison the health of any relationship.
     
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    #8 sassafras, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  9. NeverAmI

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    You have to be aware, and open, to the fact that things aren't always going to go well in the relationship.

    IMO it is those points that make or break a relationship. Saying something really hurtful, or not just agreeing to disagree and moving on together can really change the entire dynamic in a relationship, and rightfully so.

    I think it takes maturity on the part of both sides, not to try to 1-up or sink to a lower level than the other.

    Honestly, I think both people need to be healthy in the beginning in order to form a healthy relationship.

    Garbage in, garbage out.
     
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  10. Starry Night

    Starry Night Regular Poster

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    I read that in order to keep the relationship healthy you have to give your partner 5 times more compliments or appreciative words than you criticize them.

    Its really about the two involved wanting to make an effort, to care about what your partner needs and to give it, and vice versa of course.
     
  11. Bird

    Bird Happy Go Lucky

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    I was discussing with a friend yesterday (or rather he was telling me everything that's wrong with his relationship and I was making the appropriate monosyllable commentary) and I've realized that relationships start to fail when one or both people start expecting the niceties, the romance, the sweet little...nothings (for lack of better expressive words). Once this happens, the appreciation falls through. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this but just be careful that you don't overdo the romance because then it won't be appreciated, it will be expected and once you start to fall through you'll be an "asshole" even though you're really not.

    This is not helpful nor is it necessarily easy to follow.
    I'm sorry.
     
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  12. Bird

    Bird Happy Go Lucky

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    An example of romance: I wake up crying from a nightmare, you kiss my bare shoulder blade and pull me closer to you.
     
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  13. Starry Night

    Starry Night Regular Poster

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    This really depends on the ppl involved. I didnt expect it from my ex, but at one point I just realized that he had stopped giving me those sweet things, and I just couldnt take that! We talked so much about it but nothing ever came from it. He was an ISTJ, so not the most romantic of types.. wont get one of those for a romance in future. I think F types are more likely to make an effort to be somewhat romantic, so if romance is important to someone having an F type partner probably really helps.
     
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