what does evaluation systems do to you?

In my job we have this really "great" :shocked: software based evaluation system. I have to enter my tasks for that year, choose some topics about personal growth on wich I want to focus that year and how I am going to do that and make a short term and long term growth plan. Then my manager will evaluate my progress based on his experience and some questionnaires that my colleague has to fill in. Then I get a score like if I still was in school or something. Only now it is not based on my intelligence but on my personality (like if anyone can rate my personality)!!!! And secondly my bonus and raise is based on my score so it not only judges about who I am and how I have performed that year but it also have a financial consequence too!

I hate it! This week I got an email from that lovely software system that some actions according to that system were required from my and suddenly I was aware of the fact that in a few months I would again been judged on my performance and my personality. And it freaks me out at the moment, so much that I can't get to sleep and it hunts me in my dreams. I'm suddenly again so aware of what people think about me. Will my manager think I have been working good this year? I actually have given maybe not everything but certainly a lot this year. I think I have been doing very well, but what if he thinks that I didn't, or that he is not aware of all the thinks that I have been doing (after all he manages 20 people)? I'm already thinking about how I will feal if he told me he wasn't content with me or that my score is not as high as I expected it to be.

It is realy shit! all the sudden all my actions are based on what would that person want me to do, what does he wants from me? How can I make him to like me more? And that really is getting nowhere because I have to change myself every time I see a different person and the things I do never make them like me better, in the contrary actually! I'm feeling scared and unsafe, like I have to watch my back all the time.

I'm trying every trick I know to become myself again and to regain my fundaments, my self esteem, the calm deep waters of my inner self. But none are working at the moment ...

How do you guys feel about evaluation systems like this? Does they make you to doubt yourself too? And do you also have a strong desire to please everyone and to be liked by everyone from time to time? With me it can get sometimes so strong that my hole world is focused on this aspect. Like it is the only way to survive.