Well Trained People Pleaser

[brownegg]

Within the past few days, I've been coming to terms with the fact that being a people pleaser has really hurt me.

from: http://www.psychology.com/articles/?p=177

"The placater tries to ease and prevent any trouble in the family. He is caring, compassionate and sensitive. He also denies his own needs, is anxious and hypervigilant.

Work: The placater will find himself caretaking and facilitating in his work environment. He may be drawn to service occupations; however, in order to truly help others, he must face his need to please.

Relationships: The placater believes that if he takes care of his partner that person will never leave. He may lose himself in his partner

 

[not sure]

Don't mess with those people pleasing patterns until you have succsessfully left home. There is a reason you developed that coping mechanism.

 

[Trifoilum]

[MENTION=3710]kiu[/MENTION] puts a very good perspective.

Of course, do judge by yourself;

One of the keys to not be people pleaser is to take care of yourself. Using my own words, "to take care of myself as much as I take care of others, and vice versa."
Can you possibly adjust your situation / coping mechanism to be able to take care of yourself more?

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Within the past few days, I've been coming to terms with the fact that being a people pleaser has really hurt me.

from: http://www.psychology.com/articles/?p=177

"The placater tries to ease and prevent any trouble in the family. He is caring, compassionate and sensitive. He also denies his own needs, is anxious and hypervigilant.

Work: The placater will find himself caretaking and facilitating in his work environment. He may be drawn to service occupations; however, in order to truly help others, he must face his need to please.

Relationships: The placater believes that if he takes care of his partner that person will never leave. He may lose himself in his partner’s needs, becoming more caregiver than equal.

Self-esteem: The people pleaser often feels that he has no value except for what he can do or be for another person. To be healthy, he needs to find his own value within."

BULLSEYE

Any suggestions to get out of these patterns?

I don't think it is possible to change your pattern of relating without exposing yourself to high levels of stress.

This is because I think one's disposition towards a certain role is pretty much hardwired beyond a certain childhood age.

So instead of putting on a facade and trying to consistently live it for a long period of time, it might be better to work on establishing boundaries and relationships which are both congruent with your disposition and protect you from burning out, or being taken advantage of. These boundaries and relationships must be established and maintained on the conscious rational level, because on the emotional level you will probably revert to caregiving.

Examples of rational choices that may help:
Consciously letting other people take care of you - finding someone who also cares for others as a friend will ensure that not taken advantage of, but rather will ensure that there is mutual care.
Consciously declining from becoming involved in certain people's problems - this may seem cold-hearted, but this is also being cool-headed; it involves making decisions about what you are able to do, what other people reasonably need, and what other people reasonably need to come to terms with and deal with themselves.
Consciously excusing yourself when you have become overinvolved - this is to protect youself from two things: burn out, and people who may manipulate your emotions to take advantage of you.
Learning to refer problems to other people who may be better able to help - such as professionals, or more cool-headed individuals.

 

[brownegg]

[MENTION=2172]Trifoilum[/MENTION]

One of the keys to not be people pleaser is to take care of yourself. Using my own words, "to take care of myself as much as I take care of others, and vice versa."
Can you possibly adjust your situation / coping mechanism to be able to take care of yourself more?

I'm definitely making progress on this. I'm in a really good relationship right now, where I allow myself to be cared for, though I'm always thanking him profusely for anything he does for me. I've been taking care of myself by not being so hard on myself and expressing what I want more. It's made a difference.

I'm starting to let go of my distorted idea that I need to be liked by everyone in social situations, or else no one will like me. Making a few friends is quite enough.

I'm making progress, but I still have relationships that are harmful in some ways, in which I lose myself to old patterns (not as much, now as before)

It'll take time.

[MENTION=2172]Trifoilum[/MENTION] Thanks for your response

 

[brownegg]

[MENTION=862]Flavus Aquila[/MENTION]

wrote:

Examples of rational choices that may help:
Consciously letting other people take care of you - finding someone who also cares for others as a friend will ensure that not taken advantage of, but rather will ensure that there is mutual care.
Consciously declining from becoming involved in certain people's problems - this may seem cold-hearted, but this is also being cool-headed; it involves making decisions about what you are able to do, what other people reasonably need, and what other people reasonably need to come to terms with and deal with themselves.
Consciously excusing yourself when you have become overinvolved - this is to protect youself from two things: burn out, and people who may manipulate your emotions to take advantage of you.
Learning to refer problems to other people who may be better able to help - such as professionals, or more cool-headed individuals.

I think my biggest challenge is to step back from my parents relationship and stop trying to change their behavior. I've been trying since childhood. I thought that it was my job, and still do, often enough. But, it's not.

My dad is still going to be arrogant and controlling and my mom is going to be passive aggressive, while feigning innocence.

I'm trying to focus more on what I need. I've been denying my needs since childhood and clearly I don't need to take on too many outside problems.

[MENTION=862]Flavus Aquila[/MENTION] Thanks for your advice and general invitation to reflect.

 

[kucala]

I can relate strongly, and I think everyone has given good advice so far.

 

[Gaze]

I'm starting to let go of my distorted idea that I need to be liked by everyone in social situations, or else no one will like me. Making a few friends is quite enough.

This^^^.

 

[not sure]

@Trifoilum



I'm definitely making progress on this. I'm in a really good relationship right now, where I allow myself to be cared for, though I'm always thanking him profusely for anything he does for me. I've been taking care of myself by not being so hard on myself and expressing what I want more. It's made a difference.

I'm starting to let go of my distorted idea that I need to be liked by everyone in social situations, or else no one will like me. Making a few friends is quite enough.

I'm making progress, but I still have relationships that are harmful in some ways, in which I lose myself to old patterns (not as much, now as before)

It'll take time.

@Trifoilum Thanks for your response

My best piece of advice for you is to slow down your conversations deliberately. Listen to yourself. "Is what the other person asking me to do good for me?" "Is the story the other person telling me about myself true?" You see there is always sub-text in conversation and it very subtly affects you over time because as human beings language does a lot to define us. Even when we are alone we tell our selves a story. By slowing everything down you take conscious notice of what ideas about yourself are being fed to you and what ideas about yourself you are sending to others.

 

[Gaze]

This is because I think one's disposition towards a certain role is pretty much hardwired beyond a certain childhood age.

not sure how hardwired it is, but I do agree that there are traits which are ingrained and can't simply be thrown off like a coat. Rather, they are things you will have to learn to manage or handle using strategies that will help the person acknowledge they have this "thorn in the side" and how to handle it more effectively so they don't hurt or compromise themselves but still function fairly well in their everyday environments.

 

[JGirl]

you might find books on codependence helpful.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

I used to be a people pleaser until i was about 16 y/o. It was extremely bad for my mental health, retrospective.

 

[Nixie]

In some way, these older threads are painful. They contain glimpses of people who are no longer here which saddens me....especially when it is Kiu (aka AlienSpectator/notsure). I also confess that the I remember this thread and the title just made me cringe then. I have not frame of reference since I do not consider myself a people pleaser or well trained in anything. I tend to lean toward accommodating---as long as it involves something I don't care about but if I don't want to be budged, I will either choose to subvert or ignore.