Well, THIS was unexpected... | INFJ Forum

Well, THIS was unexpected...


Community Member
Jul 29, 2008
Capricious 9w1
Well, it's been two months since my ex dumped me, and a lot of stuff has transpired. I still feel like he and I are somehow tied together, possibly for life, in ways I can't explain. Despite his claiming to be 100% homosexual, he also says he's still quite attracted to me. I don't know why any of this is, but it just is. It's so frustrating after this amount of time, and this many self discoveries, that I can't sever this goddamn connection between us. When he has anxiety attacks, so do I. When he's depressed, I feel it. When his new interest gives him attention, I feel it. I'm so, so sick of it. And, yes, to those nay-sayers out there, I've been testing this for myself. I'd love it to not correlate 95% of the time as it does, but I also can't lie to myself; there is definitely something going on.

But in the midst of all that, a little unexpected surprise: for a while he's been telling me of this guy he's been talking to online, and how he hit it off and found him to be like me, and attractive. The problem he had was that this guy was straight. I then found out he was also from my homestate, Minnesota. He likes electronic music and tries to make it himself. This was all too perfect, so I inquired further. Of course, my ex wants me to go anywhere else so he doesn't have to feel guilty about things, so he jumped all over the idea of me contacting said Minnesotan. Recently, it's finally happned, and I got a jolt of something I haven't had before.

It was sort of like we immediately canceled out. I was disconcerted because it felt like this guy could read me across the wires and figure me out. When that happens, people often become very guarded, but it's extremely rare it happens at all, and it's never happened like this. As we've talked, I've noticed he's like me in several key areas: he's guarded, slow to warm up, confusing, somehow a little intimidating and very, very hard to get to know. This has been very frustrating. I have no idea if I'm coming off in some way that's going to give him all sorts of wrong impressions. Aside from the problems, we speak the same language. Despite the random conversations where we should be confusing each other at some point, there is no confusion where there normally is with others. Some of that, I'm sure, is regional, but part of it is just that we speak on the same wavelength.

He enjoys music, but his profession, he's decided, is going to be psychology. He said he loves to read people and help them, and that it's his speciality.

Oh, wait. What?

Tonight, it hit me. My god, this guy's an INFJ. I asked him if he knew what his MBTI was, but it had been too long and he didn't remember. When I told him I was an INFJ, he then remembered that's what he'd been, too.

Problem: this is the first guy I've been even remotely attracted to in the slightest since my break up. Not limerence, but actual attraction, interest, something. I was interested before talking to him, which never happens unless I had a dream. This is all new to me, and I have no idea what to do. I'm so scared of being unattractive that it's pissing me off. I feel so broken after everything that has happened, I don't know how to be attractive anymore, except to men who want casual sex on okcupid (ugh).

Ok, you guys are INFJs, how the hell does one manage something like this? Any similar experiences? I'm at a loss. Also, I have always felt I'd be alone my whole life, a 'vision' I had when I was 12, so I'm also ready to give up at the first sign of negative. I don't like divining such things, but it's always felt so right. I also feel like I really repel other INFJs (I've always felt like something of a non-entity or worse on this board, for instance, so I stop coming), and I don't know what that's all about. It's almost devastating, since it keeps me from connecting with people who share more views with me than anyone else, it seems.

What a mess. :(

Sorry, I just really had to dump this all over, tl;dr as it is. If you read this far, I really appreciate it. Any input would be really awesome.
So you still feel connected to the first guy, and now feeling attracted to the second guy? Hotherym, that must be so confusing and frustrating! :( I cannot offer any insight for you. I have very little experience myself, and all of it is quite confused! I wish I had something better, something more to offer you. But I wanted to post because I hear your frustration with this. I did read the whole thing.

You say you repel other INFJs. I say I admire how you're able to stand on your own. INFJs typically try to keep the boat from rocking. You see the world for what it is, and you live the way you want the world to be.

Wish I had something more I could offer you. *subscribe*
wow, that's a remarkable story :D I'm not sure what to advice you since I'm a guy. You should be true to him about yourself - he's probably good at reading people and might know things about you that you're not even aware yourself. You should also avoid common traps for INFJ relationships: being overly attentive to him and assuming on how he feels.

I have had a very similar experience half a year ago - met a girl who was exactly like me. Later we both found out about being INFJ :) She was really surprised that I could read her inner world so good and I felt the same. The experience was intoxicating, amazing. Just by observing her I have learned tons about myself. Too bad we both were not ready for a more serious relationship at that time. I felt into a trap that I mentioned in the first paragraph and she was in another relationship already. I can only hope that we will get back together sometime. She was a real marriage material – and I knew that the instant I saw her.
I'm sorry, one of the major things that stuck out to me was that your ex-boyfriend (who is apparently gay) was talking to your new interest online.

Does that send up a huge red flag for you or no? I think for me it would.