Very distraught INFJ here

I feel for you. You're in a very difficult situation. You can't help how deeply you feel about things - your partner, the relationship, the awful series of things you have been through... and similarly he can't help the way he is or be the exactly fitting piece of the puzzle that would fix everything that has gone on in your past - together and individually before that. If you will fight for the relationship, you will fight - there's no denying your strength of will to do this. I only wish you luck, and success in your endeavour, but bear in mind that no matter how hard you try, it will only ever be your half of the relationship that is covered by your efforts. The rest is down to him. I hope he realises the value of it, for both of you, but if he doesn't, I hope you will be kind to yourself about it.

 

Don't bother with him anymore. Don't make yourself suffer for his dysfunction.

I've been with too many people who self-sabotaged their relationships, then kept me around in a relationship limbo. Then inevitably got mean spirited towards me. It won't get better, no matter how perfect you are for each other in theory, people like that don't wake up one morning and find they're cured of whatever mentally ails them to behave in this fashion.

The only way something like that could ever work out is if the other person acknowledges they have a problem with self sabotaging relationships with people they really want, and gets proper counselling to help them deal with it. Possibly drugs, as there may be brain chemistry imbalances at work here or worse mental illness.

So that's my opinion on the matter. Move on. You can't fix him, especially if he doesn't want to be fixed. You're just going to wind up hurting more.

Personally I don't fall into this trap anymore. If someone starts self sabotaging our relationship I just tell myself they're probably sicker than it's worth bothering with and move on, simply because I'm sick of getting hurt by people who try to keep me around because they want to be with me but are too messed up to actually pull it off.

 

Hey court,im really sorry to hear about what you have been through lately.Both a breakup or a miscarraige is hard to deal with let alone having both come at once.Obviously these events are hard enough to deal with without having mixed signals being sent or constqantly having your hopes built up and torn down again.
I think the best advice i could give is to try to look after yourself and your kids first.You obviously have a lot of emotions to overcome and shouldnt let anyone else interfere so negatively with your recovery.Your children are obviously still making adjustments from the recent moves and adjustments with everything.Its time to put yourself first.
And btw you are definately not too old to have more children my mother had me(first of three)at thirty,nowadays a lot of women are having kids in their forties.I think this may just be an excuse to help your ex deal like you said.You should let him be.He is not treating you right your meant to have been in the best relationship you ever had...yet he bailed at the first sign at strife.If he realizes his mistake he will come back on his own accord,if not he never deserved you in the first place.Contacting him will make him feel pressurised and like the decision isnt his own.I know its difficult but make him make all the moves,its your life dont let him take it over...
i hope you find happiness soon good luck,x

 

You're a very forgiving woman, court. How old are your children? His wishy washiness isn't good for them either, you know. And that thing about being too old to have babies is ridiculous and cruel. He sounds kind of crazy to me, to be honest. He sounds really unreliable emotionally, at the very least. It doesn't sound like he's as emotionally available as you desire either. I wish you luck with whatever happens and what ever you decide. Only you know if he's worth it. From where I'm sitting it sounds like you need to move on. But you have better insight into his heart than I do.

 

I agree. I think you need to move on. He sounds totally emotionally unavailable. His emotional unavailability will never change. There is no way that he will ever be able to be a part of a stable relationship.

It was cruel of him to say you are too old to have children.
And factually wrong, as well.

If he gives you another chance, it will only be more of the same. A man who loves you would never make you feel sick and yank you around emotionally. He would never hurt you so.

 

Burning the earlier two bridges could possibly be in question in your mind. Your time clock is running and you are hearing it louder at night......wait til you get MY age. Frightful things have happened and you must first heal what you can and focus on your health, mentally and physically, so you can better take care of those kids. The kids make it necessary to see those whose bridges you burned.
Letting go is not always a bad thing, but it can bother you if you question what you have done or are going to do.
I am no professional counselor, but my advice is focus on yourself and your children. My ex miscarried and it was hard on me, too. I think you will be found by someone more stable in life, and their stability will help you and your children. Be a person and a Mother; someone will notice. Good luck and sorry for your misfortunes. Had a few myself.

 

The guy obviously has something else going on forget him and be glad he's gone!

 

My old eyes cannot read that color.....:noidea:

 

I am older than you...

 

I would suggest that you seek help from a strong support system. If you consider your family and friends to be this system, seek help from them. I would also seek help from health professionals. I have recently suffered a death in the family, so I can empathize with what you must be going through. Allow yourself and your children to be cared for in this difficult time.

While you may care deeply for this person, I think it might be best to have some time apart. You need to be built back up from the losses that you have suffered, and his own shortfalls will not help you do that. If anything, his insecurities will bring you down at this point in time. You and your children are the immediate focus right now, not him. As hard and harsh as this may seem, you must save yourself and your kids before you can save this man.

What you choose to do with that relationship after things are more stable is up to you, but I warn you of the damage that may come to your children from this insecure person. For him to blame the children is not something that a mature and loving partner would do. As a parent, you must consider both your health and your children's above all else.

There is a person out there waiting to meet someone as wonderful as you are, but don't force this one into that role. I know that you must feel bad when it comes to relationships, but don't lose hope. You are a kind, caring, and sensitive person who has so much love to offer. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

You, your children, and your family are the most important things in your life.

I wish you the best, and I will be here if you need me.

Take care and don't give up hope,
Azure

 

"In my mind it is a rejection of me because if it weren't he would be willing to trust my word and give me a chance to prove to him that life with me and the children is overall peaceful and happy. The most difficult thing for me is I invested everything into this relationship. I thought after the long road to love I had been on that I was finally having my dreams come true. Its also difficult because there wasn't anything broken with our relationship. I KNOW, I don't know how I know I just know in my gut that if he gave me another chance that we would have a happy and fulfilling life together."

The bolded phrases stood out for me and I think of them as red flags. Just from an outside point of view it seems to me that it might be good for you to take a deep breath, sit back and concentrate on you for a bit. You're grieving, heartbroken, confused and getting no support, only feelings of rejection. He shouldn't consume your thoughts because you'll only bottle up other things that need to be worked out and you'll suffer more later. I think he's too important in your mind and you're not important enough in his.
Step back and look at it all from an outsider's perspective.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby and all of this turmoil. I feel for you.

 

Court, I'm not sure how much advice I can give, but I certainly wish you well!

 

This stood out to me, mostly because it's very familiar. I've been in similar situations, relationship wise, and it's not good. I came to the conclusion that trying to date without having a healthy support network around me is a bad, bad idea. The ways this is a bad idea are numerous:

1. If your SO is also your only friend, even if the relationship is a healthy one, that's a lot of pressure to put on a single person, and it can make the relationship go sour no matter how great your SO is. Not to mention it's not very attractive to begin with.

2. If the relationship goes badly and your SO mistreats you (or worse becomes abusive) you will be far more inclined to perpetuate it because breaking it off will mean losing your only friend. Very bad.

3. When and if the relationship ends you'll be plunged into a bad place because your small network of support will basically be gone. It'll be much harder to let go and move on, much more painful than it needs to be, and will be dragged out longer.

Worse still it's quicker to get emotionally intimate with someone and thus gain their support than it is to make good friends with people and get to that point where you can really open up about your problems and emotions. This means the "quick fix" option of looking for someone new to date to replace the SO starts looking really appealing, starting you right back off where you were and going through the whole cycle all over again.

I'd know, since I only recently (after 7 years) started breaking out of this pattern.

Plus going out more and doing stuff and trying to make new friends certainly helped me get over my last relationship which ended pretty horribly after two years of on/off tug-o-war, so even if you disagree with what I wrote above it's still something that would probably be beneficial.

Just my two cents, though. Either way you sound like a great person and I'm sure you can get through this. Just stay strong.