Very distraught INFJ here


This will likely be long so I thank anyone in advance who reads all the way through it.

I am 32 years old and twice divorced. Now, I know that supposedly it takes two to tango and cause the collapse of a relationship, I do beg to differ. Perhaps besides choosing partners who were not as emotionally available as I require I must say that I put everything into my two marriages and fought till the death to save them. They were horrible relationships but I had children born out of both of them and felt an obligation to my children to keep them in an intact family. Once I realized the relationships were unsalvageable I let go and never looked back. I have a tendency of completely cutting people out of my life after our relationship has met its death. I never regret it.

So, one can imagine at 32 and having two divorces under my belt what this does to my self esteem. Now, I am hurting all over again. Last July I met a wonderful man, he is an INTJ. We instantly hit it off, the chemistry was amazing and we built our relationship on the foundation of an amazing friendship. Never before had I met someone who accepted me for who I am and enjoyed doing the same things I did (reading, researching, etc.). We had passionate discussions on the complexities and mysteries of life. We loved each other (and still do) deeply and passionately. I moved in with him in February (1300 miles away from my home) and became pregnant immediately. I have three children already but was very excited to be having another. I had never had a pregnancy with someone that was happy to be having a baby, I was always alone by the time I was pregnant. But my fiancee (ex now I guess, goodness that feels horrible to say) was over the moon.

As is common in all relationships, there was an adjustment period after moving in together. He had to adjust, I had to adjust, the children had to adjust. To top it all off, I started bleeding very heavily 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I was very very sick and could not get any answers from any doctors. I had no energy to put into parenting my children the way they are used to. From losing so much blood I was weak and tired all the time. This was reflected in my childrens' behavior. I didn't like the way they were behaving but I just did not have it in me to put my foot down.

In late April I got a call from my mom telling me my grandfather was dying of cancer and they needed me back where I was from (VA). I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't go back and I was intending on going back in May anyhow so I packed up the kids and went back. On May 7 I miscarried, I was 13 weeks along. On Mother's Day I awoke to a facebook message from my fiancee saying that all we could be was friends. I was too old to have a baby blah, blah, blah. I was devastated. Here I was not even physically recovered from the loss of our baby and now I was facing the loss of my only true love and best friend.

Although what he did was cruel and very unloving I put myself in his shoes and saw that what he did was just out of grief. We continued on with our relationship but never actually spoke that we were back together. But nothing had changed, we still told each other we loved each other, all those things couples say to each other that friends don't. I went back to visit him from the 19th to the 26th. It was blissful. Everything was perfect. When I returned back to Virginia we resumed out relationship as normal, very loving and intense.

On Monday evening him and I were having a conversation, it was going well when all of a sudden he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore, said goodbye, and hung up on me. He has done this before, he's quite wishy washy but I look beyond that behavior because I see the bigger picture. I was pretty dumbfounded, not knowing what went wrong. Next thing I know he has unlinked our facebook accounts, turned his status back to single, and deleted me as a facebook friend. He then calls me up and when I start to cry he calls me pathetic. I told him he didn't need to be mean, that I didn't deserve that type of treatment and he told me that he needed to get mean or I would keep hanging on. Well EXCUSE me but his actions never indicated that he really wanted to end our relationship, in fact, he was the one calling me several times a day he never ever gave one inkling that he really wanted this to be over. He told me that he couldn't live with my children, that they are wonderful children but that he couldn't live with them and that he couldn't be with me because we would continue to have miscarriages (which the doctor said is ridiculous because nearly every woman will have one). I tried to explain that our two months of living together was not an accurate depiction of life with me and the children but more the result of extenuating circumstances with me being as sick as I was.

He tells me he still loves me and he is not rejecting "me". In my mind it is a rejection of me because if it weren't he would be willing to trust my word and give me a chance to prove to him that life with me and the children is overall peaceful and happy. The most difficult thing for me is I invested everything into this relationship. I thought after the long road to love I had been on that I was finally having my dreams come true. Its also difficult because there wasn't anything broken with our relationship. I KNOW, I don't know how I know I just know in my gut that if he gave me another chance that we would have a happy and fulfilling life together. I just KNOW it! I have been fighting and fighting for this relationship, I can let go easily when I know its broken but knowing its not broken I just can't not fight to save it. He says that he loves me and acknowledges that he could be happy with me but says there is just no future and we can only be friends. I'm usually pretty keen on people's motives and I know that he is using the children as an easy excuse. He has admitted that he gets afraid when he gets too close to someone and then sabotages the relationship. I am sure that that is exactly what is going on here, I think he is frightened by the depth of our relationship.

I need fellow INFJ advice. I don't want to let go, I want to save this but he has an iron resolve. I am physically sick over this, I am completely devastated. Relationships are my everything and this was what I have been trying in vain to find for so long. What in the world do I do now?
And just to clarify when I said I was going to come back to Virginia in May I only meant for the summer so the children could have visitation with their fathers and see their cousins and grandparents. It wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing. :(
I feel for you. You're in a very difficult situation. You can't help how deeply you feel about things - your partner, the relationship, the awful series of things you have been through... and similarly he can't help the way he is or be the exactly fitting piece of the puzzle that would fix everything that has gone on in your past - together and individually before that. If you will fight for the relationship, you will fight - there's no denying your strength of will to do this. I only wish you luck, and success in your endeavour, but bear in mind that no matter how hard you try, it will only ever be your half of the relationship that is covered by your efforts. The rest is down to him. I hope he realises the value of it, for both of you, but if he doesn't, I hope you will be kind to yourself about it.
Thank you for the advice and kind words Helpful Elf (you certainly are helpful :) ). Its terribly frustrating to me because whenever a relationship ends I tell the man that he's making a mistake and he will see that soon enough. I have never been wrong about that. They always come back but that time I have built that wall around me and cut them off. I don't want this to get to that point, I want him to see the value of our relationship (which he claims he does but if he did he wouldn't be ending it) now before its too late. I hate wondering what might have been. :(
Don't bother with him anymore. Don't make yourself suffer for his dysfunction.

I've been with too many people who self-sabotaged their relationships, then kept me around in a relationship limbo. Then inevitably got mean spirited towards me. It won't get better, no matter how perfect you are for each other in theory, people like that don't wake up one morning and find they're cured of whatever mentally ails them to behave in this fashion.

The only way something like that could ever work out is if the other person acknowledges they have a problem with self sabotaging relationships with people they really want, and gets proper counselling to help them deal with it. Possibly drugs, as there may be brain chemistry imbalances at work here or worse mental illness.

So that's my opinion on the matter. Move on. You can't fix him, especially if he doesn't want to be fixed. You're just going to wind up hurting more.

Personally I don't fall into this trap anymore. If someone starts self sabotaging our relationship I just tell myself they're probably sicker than it's worth bothering with and move on, simply because I'm sick of getting hurt by people who try to keep me around because they want to be with me but are too messed up to actually pull it off.
Hey court,im really sorry to hear about what you have been through lately.Both a breakup or a miscarraige is hard to deal with let alone having both come at once.Obviously these events are hard enough to deal with without having mixed signals being sent or constqantly having your hopes built up and torn down again.
I think the best advice i could give is to try to look after yourself and your kids first.You obviously have a lot of emotions to overcome and shouldnt let anyone else interfere so negatively with your recovery.Your children are obviously still making adjustments from the recent moves and adjustments with everything.Its time to put yourself first.
And btw you are definately not too old to have more children my mother had me(first of three)at thirty,nowadays a lot of women are having kids in their forties.I think this may just be an excuse to help your ex deal like you said.You should let him be.He is not treating you right your meant to have been in the best relationship you ever had...yet he bailed at the first sign at strife.If he realizes his mistake he will come back on his own accord,if not he never deserved you in the first place.Contacting him will make him feel pressurised and like the decision isnt his own.I know its difficult but make him make all the moves,its your life dont let him take it over...
i hope you find happiness soon good luck,x
You're a very forgiving woman, court. How old are your children? His wishy washiness isn't good for them either, you know. And that thing about being too old to have babies is ridiculous and cruel. He sounds kind of crazy to me, to be honest. He sounds really unreliable emotionally, at the very least. It doesn't sound like he's as emotionally available as you desire either. I wish you luck with whatever happens and what ever you decide. Only you know if he's worth it. From where I'm sitting it sounds like you need to move on. But you have better insight into his heart than I do.
I agree. I think you need to move on. He sounds totally emotionally unavailable. His emotional unavailability will never change. There is no way that he will ever be able to be a part of a stable relationship.

It was cruel of him to say you are too old to have children.
And factually wrong, as well.

If he gives you another chance, it will only be more of the same. A man who loves you would never make you feel sick and yank you around emotionally. He would never hurt you so.
Burning the earlier two bridges could possibly be in question in your mind. Your time clock is running and you are hearing it louder at night......wait til you get MY age. Frightful things have happened and you must first heal what you can and focus on your health, mentally and physically, so you can better take care of those kids. The kids make it necessary to see those whose bridges you burned.
Letting go is not always a bad thing, but it can bother you if you question what you have done or are going to do.
I am no professional counselor, but my advice is focus on yourself and your children. My ex miscarried and it was hard on me, too. I think you will be found by someone more stable in life, and their stability will help you and your children. Be a person and a Mother; someone will notice. Good luck and sorry for your misfortunes. Had a few myself.
I would suggest that you seek help from a strong support system. If you consider your family and friends to be this system, seek help from them. I would also seek help from health professionals. I have recently suffered a death in the family, so I can empathize with what you must be going through. Allow yourself and your children to be cared for in this difficult time.

While you may care deeply for this person, I think it might be best to have some time apart. You need to be built back up from the losses that you have suffered, and his own shortfalls will not help you do that. If anything, his insecurities will bring you down at this point in time. You and your children are the immediate focus right now, not him. As hard and harsh as this may seem, you must save yourself and your kids before you can save this man.

What you choose to do with that relationship after things are more stable is up to you, but I warn you of the damage that may come to your children from this insecure person. For him to blame the children is not something that a mature and loving partner would do. As a parent, you must consider both your health and your children's above all else.

There is a person out there waiting to meet someone as wonderful as you are, but don't force this one into that role. I know that you must feel bad when it comes to relationships, but don't lose hope. You are a kind, caring, and sensitive person who has so much love to offer. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

You, your children, and your family are the most important things in your life.

I wish you the best, and I will be here if you need me.

Take care and don't give up hope,
"In my mind it is a rejection of me because if it weren't he would be willing to trust my word and give me a chance to prove to him that life with me and the children is overall peaceful and happy. The most difficult thing for me is I invested everything into this relationship. I thought after the long road to love I had been on that I was finally having my dreams come true. Its also difficult because there wasn't anything broken with our relationship. I KNOW, I don't know how I know I just know in my gut that if he gave me another chance that we would have a happy and fulfilling life together."

The bolded phrases stood out for me and I think of them as red flags. Just from an outside point of view it seems to me that it might be good for you to take a deep breath, sit back and concentrate on you for a bit. You're grieving, heartbroken, confused and getting no support, only feelings of rejection. He shouldn't consume your thoughts because you'll only bottle up other things that need to be worked out and you'll suffer more later. I think he's too important in your mind and you're not important enough in his.
Step back and look at it all from an outsider's perspective.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby and all of this turmoil. I feel for you.
Thank you for all the encouragement and support. I think it was just what I needed to get out of this funk and begin the process of moving on or at least distancing myself and leaving the ball in his court. Its very hard for me to do so because I do idealize relationships so much but I realize after reading the replies that I am not in a healthy place.

It is clear to me that I was the more invested in the two of us in the relationship (as it tends to go with me in relationships). The last thing I needed after the loss was to be treated unkindly and to have the blame placed on me for the loss of our baby. I felt bad enough as it was without adding more guilt on top of it. Like one poster said he ran at the first sign of trouble and that is so true, that is something I need to keep in mind when I am feeling down. Life is full of struggles and a true partner is there for the other partner during those times, they don't place blame and they don't run and hide.

Its also true that his fickleness is not good for the children. They have had enough rejection in their life and do not need anymore. My children are wonderful and if he can't accept them then its his loss. I know that they would bring great amounts of happiness to him but since he isn't willing to see them for who they are it truly is his loss. He's making a mistake but its his mistake to make.

So, I am taking the first step to moving on. I'm no longer contacting him (it kills me he was my only friend) and I am only responding in an unemotional way to any communication from him. We did have two conversations today (before I read the replies and felt stronger) but they just ended with me crying and him telling me that he loves me very much and that its not me but hey isn't being friends just as great as being a couple?! Whatever. Its all or nothing with me. I will not put myself through the torment of being a "friend" with someone who hurt me so much and someone I am in love with, I'd rather just cut my losses completely.

Part of me wants to become bitter and jaded but I know it won't happen, I will continue to hunt down that which eludes I guess what is really difficult for me is that this was the first relationship where I tore down that protective wall and I trusted him, he promised me I could and he lied. I feel foolish for allowing myself to be so vulnerable.
(it kills me he was my only friend)
This stood out to me, mostly because it's very familiar. I've been in similar situations, relationship wise, and it's not good. I came to the conclusion that trying to date without having a healthy support network around me is a bad, bad idea. The ways this is a bad idea are numerous:

1. If your SO is also your only friend, even if the relationship is a healthy one, that's a lot of pressure to put on a single person, and it can make the relationship go sour no matter how great your SO is. Not to mention it's not very attractive to begin with.

2. If the relationship goes badly and your SO mistreats you (or worse becomes abusive) you will be far more inclined to perpetuate it because breaking it off will mean losing your only friend. Very bad.

3. When and if the relationship ends you'll be plunged into a bad place because your small network of support will basically be gone. It'll be much harder to let go and move on, much more painful than it needs to be, and will be dragged out longer.

Worse still it's quicker to get emotionally intimate with someone and thus gain their support than it is to make good friends with people and get to that point where you can really open up about your problems and emotions. This means the "quick fix" option of looking for someone new to date to replace the SO starts looking really appealing, starting you right back off where you were and going through the whole cycle all over again.

I'd know, since I only recently (after 7 years) started breaking out of this pattern.

Plus going out more and doing stuff and trying to make new friends certainly helped me get over my last relationship which ended pretty horribly after two years of on/off tug-o-war, so even if you disagree with what I wrote above it's still something that would probably be beneficial.

Just my two cents, though. Either way you sound like a great person and I'm sure you can get through this. Just stay strong. :)