This will likely be long so I thank anyone in advance who reads all the way through it.
I am 32 years old and twice divorced. Now, I know that supposedly it takes two to tango and cause the collapse of a relationship, I do beg to differ. Perhaps besides choosing partners who were not as emotionally available as I require I must say that I put everything into my two marriages and fought till the death to save them. They were horrible relationships but I had children born out of both of them and felt an obligation to my children to keep them in an intact family. Once I realized the relationships were unsalvageable I let go and never looked back. I have a tendency of completely cutting people out of my life after our relationship has met its death. I never regret it.
So, one can imagine at 32 and having two divorces under my belt what this does to my self esteem. Now, I am hurting all over again. Last July I met a wonderful man, he is an INTJ. We instantly hit it off, the chemistry was amazing and we built our relationship on the foundation of an amazing friendship. Never before had I met someone who accepted me for who I am and enjoyed doing the same things I did (reading, researching, etc.). We had passionate discussions on the complexities and mysteries of life. We loved each other (and still do) deeply and passionately. I moved in with him in February (1300 miles away from my home) and became pregnant immediately. I have three children already but was very excited to be having another. I had never had a pregnancy with someone that was happy to be having a baby, I was always alone by the time I was pregnant. But my fiancee (ex now I guess, goodness that feels horrible to say) was over the moon.
As is common in all relationships, there was an adjustment period after moving in together. He had to adjust, I had to adjust, the children had to adjust. To top it all off, I started bleeding very heavily 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I was very very sick and could not get any answers from any doctors. I had no energy to put into parenting my children the way they are used to. From losing so much blood I was weak and tired all the time. This was reflected in my childrens' behavior. I didn't like the way they were behaving but I just did not have it in me to put my foot down.
In late April I got a call from my mom telling me my grandfather was dying of cancer and they needed me back where I was from (VA). I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't go back and I was intending on going back in May anyhow so I packed up the kids and went back. On May 7 I miscarried, I was 13 weeks along. On Mother's Day I awoke to a facebook message from my fiancee saying that all we could be was friends. I was too old to have a baby blah, blah, blah. I was devastated. Here I was not even physically recovered from the loss of our baby and now I was facing the loss of my only true love and best friend.
Although what he did was cruel and very unloving I put myself in his shoes and saw that what he did was just out of grief. We continued on with our relationship but never actually spoke that we were back together. But nothing had changed, we still told each other we loved each other, all those things couples say to each other that friends don't. I went back to visit him from the 19th to the 26th. It was blissful. Everything was perfect. When I returned back to Virginia we resumed out relationship as normal, very loving and intense.
On Monday evening him and I were having a conversation, it was going well when all of a sudden he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore, said goodbye, and hung up on me. He has done this before, he's quite wishy washy but I look beyond that behavior because I see the bigger picture. I was pretty dumbfounded, not knowing what went wrong. Next thing I know he has unlinked our facebook accounts, turned his status back to single, and deleted me as a facebook friend. He then calls me up and when I start to cry he calls me pathetic. I told him he didn't need to be mean, that I didn't deserve that type of treatment and he told me that he needed to get mean or I would keep hanging on. Well EXCUSE me but his actions never indicated that he really wanted to end our relationship, in fact, he was the one calling me several times a day he never ever gave one inkling that he really wanted this to be over. He told me that he couldn't live with my children, that they are wonderful children but that he couldn't live with them and that he couldn't be with me because we would continue to have miscarriages (which the doctor said is ridiculous because nearly every woman will have one). I tried to explain that our two months of living together was not an accurate depiction of life with me and the children but more the result of extenuating circumstances with me being as sick as I was.
He tells me he still loves me and he is not rejecting "me". In my mind it is a rejection of me because if it weren't he would be willing to trust my word and give me a chance to prove to him that life with me and the children is overall peaceful and happy. The most difficult thing for me is I invested everything into this relationship. I thought after the long road to love I had been on that I was finally having my dreams come true. Its also difficult because there wasn't anything broken with our relationship. I KNOW, I don't know how I know I just know in my gut that if he gave me another chance that we would have a happy and fulfilling life together. I just KNOW it! I have been fighting and fighting for this relationship, I can let go easily when I know its broken but knowing its not broken I just can't not fight to save it. He says that he loves me and acknowledges that he could be happy with me but says there is just no future and we can only be friends. I'm usually pretty keen on people's motives and I know that he is using the children as an easy excuse. He has admitted that he gets afraid when he gets too close to someone and then sabotages the relationship. I am sure that that is exactly what is going on here, I think he is frightened by the depth of our relationship.
I need fellow INFJ advice. I don't want to let go, I want to save this but he has an iron resolve. I am physically sick over this, I am completely devastated. Relationships are my everything and this was what I have been trying in vain to find for so long. What in the world do I do now?
I am 32 years old and twice divorced. Now, I know that supposedly it takes two to tango and cause the collapse of a relationship, I do beg to differ. Perhaps besides choosing partners who were not as emotionally available as I require I must say that I put everything into my two marriages and fought till the death to save them. They were horrible relationships but I had children born out of both of them and felt an obligation to my children to keep them in an intact family. Once I realized the relationships were unsalvageable I let go and never looked back. I have a tendency of completely cutting people out of my life after our relationship has met its death. I never regret it.
So, one can imagine at 32 and having two divorces under my belt what this does to my self esteem. Now, I am hurting all over again. Last July I met a wonderful man, he is an INTJ. We instantly hit it off, the chemistry was amazing and we built our relationship on the foundation of an amazing friendship. Never before had I met someone who accepted me for who I am and enjoyed doing the same things I did (reading, researching, etc.). We had passionate discussions on the complexities and mysteries of life. We loved each other (and still do) deeply and passionately. I moved in with him in February (1300 miles away from my home) and became pregnant immediately. I have three children already but was very excited to be having another. I had never had a pregnancy with someone that was happy to be having a baby, I was always alone by the time I was pregnant. But my fiancee (ex now I guess, goodness that feels horrible to say) was over the moon.
As is common in all relationships, there was an adjustment period after moving in together. He had to adjust, I had to adjust, the children had to adjust. To top it all off, I started bleeding very heavily 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I was very very sick and could not get any answers from any doctors. I had no energy to put into parenting my children the way they are used to. From losing so much blood I was weak and tired all the time. This was reflected in my childrens' behavior. I didn't like the way they were behaving but I just did not have it in me to put my foot down.
In late April I got a call from my mom telling me my grandfather was dying of cancer and they needed me back where I was from (VA). I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't go back and I was intending on going back in May anyhow so I packed up the kids and went back. On May 7 I miscarried, I was 13 weeks along. On Mother's Day I awoke to a facebook message from my fiancee saying that all we could be was friends. I was too old to have a baby blah, blah, blah. I was devastated. Here I was not even physically recovered from the loss of our baby and now I was facing the loss of my only true love and best friend.
Although what he did was cruel and very unloving I put myself in his shoes and saw that what he did was just out of grief. We continued on with our relationship but never actually spoke that we were back together. But nothing had changed, we still told each other we loved each other, all those things couples say to each other that friends don't. I went back to visit him from the 19th to the 26th. It was blissful. Everything was perfect. When I returned back to Virginia we resumed out relationship as normal, very loving and intense.
On Monday evening him and I were having a conversation, it was going well when all of a sudden he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore, said goodbye, and hung up on me. He has done this before, he's quite wishy washy but I look beyond that behavior because I see the bigger picture. I was pretty dumbfounded, not knowing what went wrong. Next thing I know he has unlinked our facebook accounts, turned his status back to single, and deleted me as a facebook friend. He then calls me up and when I start to cry he calls me pathetic. I told him he didn't need to be mean, that I didn't deserve that type of treatment and he told me that he needed to get mean or I would keep hanging on. Well EXCUSE me but his actions never indicated that he really wanted to end our relationship, in fact, he was the one calling me several times a day he never ever gave one inkling that he really wanted this to be over. He told me that he couldn't live with my children, that they are wonderful children but that he couldn't live with them and that he couldn't be with me because we would continue to have miscarriages (which the doctor said is ridiculous because nearly every woman will have one). I tried to explain that our two months of living together was not an accurate depiction of life with me and the children but more the result of extenuating circumstances with me being as sick as I was.
He tells me he still loves me and he is not rejecting "me". In my mind it is a rejection of me because if it weren't he would be willing to trust my word and give me a chance to prove to him that life with me and the children is overall peaceful and happy. The most difficult thing for me is I invested everything into this relationship. I thought after the long road to love I had been on that I was finally having my dreams come true. Its also difficult because there wasn't anything broken with our relationship. I KNOW, I don't know how I know I just know in my gut that if he gave me another chance that we would have a happy and fulfilling life together. I just KNOW it! I have been fighting and fighting for this relationship, I can let go easily when I know its broken but knowing its not broken I just can't not fight to save it. He says that he loves me and acknowledges that he could be happy with me but says there is just no future and we can only be friends. I'm usually pretty keen on people's motives and I know that he is using the children as an easy excuse. He has admitted that he gets afraid when he gets too close to someone and then sabotages the relationship. I am sure that that is exactly what is going on here, I think he is frightened by the depth of our relationship.
I need fellow INFJ advice. I don't want to let go, I want to save this but he has an iron resolve. I am physically sick over this, I am completely devastated. Relationships are my everything and this was what I have been trying in vain to find for so long. What in the world do I do now?
