Trying to find someone | INFJ Forum

Trying to find someone

Apr 29, 2009
So being the introvert and shy person I am.. I've been trying to meet new people in this desert valley known as Phoenix. The other night I forced myself out to a nightclub and despite not talking to anyone.. it wasn't too bad.. ended up hanging out most the night in the karokee bar watching drunk people try to sing.. but it was $2 drinks for a while.. so I got my fill.

I really suck at meeting people.. but once i know someone and are comfortable around them.. I generally am all about being spontaneous and full of zest.. i just can't seem to ever break the ice. I've been browsing some of the online dating stuff and ehh it's ok.. I don't seem to have much luck on it.. but in real life I don't seem to have much luck either...

It's crazy.. but if i get the right "signals" form a lovley female.. such as good eye contact, smiles.. etc.. then I usually can approach without too much anxiety but i can't ever just go up to people and say "hello" even..

I tend to not be huge into nightclubs or bars.. but I do like them once in a while... I don't really know where else to meet people though.
I used to meet people waiting for drinks. I know how ya feel I too clam up at times and I can remember many nights looking at people. I met this girl Jenny and we would sit together and laugh at the drunk people trying to hook up. Good times lol I found I just had to be in the right mood or in the right company.
This is the sad reason I use the internet for socializing. For one thing, I live literally in a small oasis town in the desert, but for another, I can only find truly like minds this way, it seems. I can't just settle for anyone and I'm picky beyond belief. Not to mention, apparently, pretty unattractive (not just physically--most people aren't going to go for strange women like me), so I have better chances of having people attracted to my personality this way.

Otherwise, I'm totally outgoing when I do go out and talk to people. It's just generally a lost cause. I envy you for giving it a shot, though, I'd be way too jaded to try.
Have you spent time trying to identify/spot people you might like?
I don't think clubs and bars are good places for meeting people. I'm not old enough to go to them and have no experience, but I still don't think they are any good, despite what television portrays.

My advice would be to keep looking online and to get involved in some organization where you might or will meet women. Take a dance class or something.
Well, what are your cares?
Are you into any social issues?
What are your hobbies?
Just pursue your ideals and talents and interests and focus on that
--and perhaps
You'll meet a like-minded lovely.
My dad always tells me that the women volunteering for political organizations were hot and crazy.
...if that's your thing.
Find a charity you like. Volunteer for it. You will become more confident and get some needed social skills you may lack. Nothing looks hotter on a person then someone who feels good about what they do. It isn't hard to do and you benefit so much from it in so many ways.

Go to the places that you feel comfortable. Sometimes daylight helps, more casual and less pressure. Music events, there must be free shows. Art shows. If you want to learn more about a subject go to a lecture. If you have already a topic you will have an easy icebreaker and something in common.

Funny I read a lot about how to date and I end up just giving out advice. I am too shy to actually put any of it to use. I meet guys through friends.
Or you could get up on the auction block with SH.
You have a problem. Define the problem. Then work on creating a solution.
What exactly is it that you want? How can you get what you want? If you don't want to solve it now set the issue aside for later and focus on something else. This is pretty much the best advice for any obstacle you may face. The question isn't really how to solve the problem as much as it is finding a way to solve the problem that works for you.
Volunteering is a pretty good idea.

For someone that is shy, getting confidence worked well for me through online dating.
In my opinon, nightclubs and bars attract people who like noise and busyness, quite the opposite of myself. So, unless there are other quiet and introverted people who have plunged themselves into an unwanted situation in order to 'find' someone, I would have little reason to go to such places seeking female companionship!
It seems to me like giving into social expectations of where and how to meet someone.

You may have more difficulty in finding people not in places where lots of people are, sure, but the ones you will find are more likely to be of your (I presume) reflective, thoughful calibur - less likely to be one of the noisy partying masses.

I am very good at conducting myself with an individual, (unless they're female, in which case I'm far less confident) but in social situations with groups I feel it's them versus me and very self conscious. UNLESS I'm somewhere I want to be and people happen to be there anyway. In other words forced presence at events not of your choosing rarely yields positive outcomes imo.

So my advice is to stick to your guns and seek togetherness with people in places where like-minded people are more likely to mingle.

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