Trinogomy, can a relationship between 3 people work? Can all 3 love each other?

[Keirouen]

A mind experiment I've had for awhile.

I believe it's possible for a three person committed relationship to work. A very specific type of relationship.


Each partner:

• is emotionally and sexually faithful to the other two
• is emotionally and sexually attracted to the other two
• is in love with the other two
• lives under the same roof
• spends time with other two partners unless practical reason (ie business trip) -in this case, the two partners who are physically together at the time make it up to the third by spending time together with third partner via skype, etc
• Settles a dispute with all 3 partners participating
• isn't insecure the other two value each other more

In this sort of relationship, regardless of the dynamic (ie 3 girls, 3 guys, 2 girls 1 guy, 2 guys 1 girl) each partner is equally interested in the other two. What this is NOT is the stereotypical patriarchal dynamic where the man (if there is one) has all the power in the relationship. Each partner is equal.

Here's where I believe most people are going to have difficulty imaging it. How can something like loving two people at the same time not get destroyed by jealousy and turn into a dramatic love triangle? -It's about how open minded the 3 partners are? Is it also about circumstance?

I imagine all partners have to be skilled negotiators and exceptionally diplomatic

How could this relationship dynamic work?

Can something like this last?

Is the love here as deep as in a conventional monogamous relationship?

What do you think?

 

[Neurosis]

Why not?

How can something like loving two people at the same time not get destroyed by jealousy and turn into a dramatic love triangle? Do you seriously think it's hard for people to imagine something other than this? I think you'll find a lot of people actually can.

How could this relationship dynamic work? Aside from mutual attraction from all three parties, the dynamic would be dependent on individual preferences.

Can something like this last? I'll just say yes for now.

Is the love here as deep as in a conventional monogamous relationship? I don't consider monogamy any, "deeper" than polyamory as much as I consider them two different kinds of selfishness (selfish is not inherently bad). Polyamory is unwillingness to sacrifice personal freedom (I need to be able to love/fuck others). Monogamy is unwillingness to sacrifice personal security (you can only love/fuck me). As far as I'm concerned, the "depth" of love for someone is entirely unaffected by one's choice of being poly/mono.

What do you think? Highly dependent on individual needs. I live with my partner and we can sit in the same room reading/writing/drawing/studying/whatever and just be in each others presence, without talking or otherwise interacting. We're comfortable just sharing space with one another and we actually prefer the solitude of our own minds majority of the time. At random intervals we'll burst into animated conversation, affection or something and then we return to normal again. We both identify with the concept of polyamory and are not averse to having a third person within the relationship - but they'd have to be as detached as the two of us both are. Neither of us are given to being emotionally needy or expressive, so any third partner would have to be the same kind of low maintenance personality.

Similarly I don't see why the same dynamic couldn't work with three outgoing personalities with similar emotional needs and expression. It's just a matter of fitting the right people to one another but yes, I'm sure it can work.

 

[TinyBubbles]

i think sooner or later, the power balance will tip and the relationship/s will descend into jealousy and power games. but the relationship could survive them....

 

[latte]

i think sooner or later, the power balance will tip and the relationship/s will descend into jealousy and power games. but the relationship could survive them....

This assumes a good chunk about what are necessary components of being human, I think (considering we aren't specifically talking about the average person, but hypothetically existent people). Are you sure you aren't limiting the scope of realistic behavior and internal mindscapes of humans through assuming people are more similar to yourself and/or your understanding of those you have gotten the opportunity to analyze than is warranted?

I'm curious about Neurosis' possible comment on the power thing you mention, as I think he doesn't cognitively encompass some aspects quite present in many that would make it much relevant in a relationship (such as a sort of automatic relationship power awareness, loss fear and potential to act out of fear in respect to either).

 

[casie]

yep, poly works for many people. it's not the way I prefer to live, but sure.

 

[TinyBubbles]

edit: i probably should've thought this through a bit more, i think i've given a pretty baseless response. i'm sorry :x

 

[Tin Man]

It's certainly possible, but those involved would have to be very secure in themselves. Even the most open minded and confident of people will feel the tug of jealousy and insecurity. If two people in the relationship have a fight, the entire dynamic will be upset. It would take the other partner to resolve any enmity, so there would have to be a deep level of trust there.

Like I said, not impossible, but difficult to sustain.

 

[LucyJr]

You meant trinity?
It is possible, but not for people.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

I have difficulty imagining a standard couple being so egalitarian, let alone any other number of people.

 

[La Sagna]

I personally know a 'triple' (I figure that's what you would call three people living together in a relationship, instead of a couple). It's definitely an interesting relationship. They have been living together for many years. It is one woman and two men. The woman seems to have all the power in the relationship. She is married to one of the men and has two teenage daughters with him. The other man is her boyfriend. They all sleep together in a king size bed with her in the middle and apparently the two men are not into sex with each other. They are good friends of my brother and his wife and he tells me some stuff about them and they seem very open but I'm not completely comfortable asking more detailed questions so I don't really have a lot more information. I have hung out around them when we were camping. They seem fairly normal on the outside but I was taken aback when I asked one daughter where her parents were and she told me that her dad was doing the dishes while her mom was taking a shower with her boyfriend. What can I say? I'm not judging them but I do feel that it must be a little confusing and maybe embarrassing sometimes for the two daughters. I also wonder how the hell you get two guys to be at your mercy like that? Apparently the husband is madly in love with her and writes her love letters while he does most of the bread-winning to support his wife and her boyfriend's business that doesn't make a lot of money.

It's definitely not your average kind of relationship but as I stated before it has been going on for a long time so something must work for them. I figure the husband is the one who is getting screwed over in this deal (if not screwed).

 

[say what]

I started thinking "no" as the stress, jealous, and ups and downs of a 2 person relationship are overwhelming enough...that to have a third, it would only add to that. But then I began to think, that a third person could ground the other two during conflict and be a voice of reason...which would kind of be nice.

I think it would take a different type of person or perspective to make this work....but I don't see why it couldn't!

 

[Neurosis]

i think sooner or later, the power balance will tip and the relationship/s will descend into jealousy and power games. but the relationship could survive them....

This assumes a good chunk about what are necessary components of being human, I think (considering we aren't specifically talking about the average person, but hypothetically existent people). Are you sure you aren't limiting the scope of realistic behavior and internal mindscapes of humans through assuming people are more similar to yourself and/or your understanding of those you have gotten the opportunity to analyze than is warranted?

I'm curious about Neurosis' possible comment on the power thing you mention, as I think he doesn't cognitively encompass some aspects quite present in many that would make it much relevant in a relationship (such as a sort of automatic relationship power awareness, loss fear and potential to act out of fear in respect to either).

I'm inclined to agree with latte. However I think that in the society we're conditioned to live in there's a great deal of influence afforded by religious/patriarchal values that permeate the morals of nearly all people. Even if they reject religion itself, it seems many people inadvertently still subscribe to many of the basic morals as defined by religious doctrine. The concept of monogamy and the institution of marriage are very deeply rooted within the foundations of western society.

So in that regard and given that I assume we're talking about western values - then I think most situations (sadly) will indeed end up devolving into power games and jealousy. I really don't think this reflects much on human nature though, so much as it reflects on the nature of the society we live in. A society custom made for people to live in constant competition with everyone else around them and enormous amounts of pressure from all angles to conform to underlying social and cultural norms - which idealize monogamy and marriage.

Yet for people who live outside of such social stigma (whether by conscious choice or natural deviation), relationships like this have the potential to be incredibly liberating and fulfilling. Also I think that while this hypothetical love triangle is a very specific and rare case of polyamory, the concept of polyamory itself is actually a very natural and perfectly healthy human tendency. There are a great many people who enjoy poly relationships and who derive many positives from the experience.

 

[latte]

I personally know a 'triple' (I figure that's what you would call three people living together in a relationship, instead of a couple). It's definitely an interesting relationship. They have been living together for many years. It is one woman and two men. The woman seems to have all the power in the relationship. She is married to one of the men and has two teenage daughters with him. The other man is her boyfriend. They all sleep together in a king size bed with her in the middle and apparently the two men are not into sex with each other. They are good friends of my brother and his wife and he tells me some stuff about them and they seem very open but I'm not completely comfortable asking more detailed questions so I don't really have a lot more information. I have hung out around them when we were camping. They seem fairly normal on the outside but I was taken aback when I asked one daughter where her parents were and she told me that her dad was doing the dishes while her mom was taking a shower with her boyfriend. What can I say? I'm not judging them but I do feel that it must be a little confusing and maybe embarrassing sometimes for the two daughters. I also wonder how the hell you get two guys to be at your mercy like that? Apparently the husband is madly in love with her and writes her love letters while he does most of the bread-winning to support his wife and her boyfriend's business that doesn't make a lot of money.

It's definitely not your average kind of relationship but as I stated before it has been going on for a long time so something must work for them. I figure the husband is the one who is getting screwed over in this deal (if not screwed).

Based merely on what you have said, it's rather cynical to view this through the lens of exploitation rather than him genuinely appreciating what the 3 of them have built and have together, and wanting to contribute to it continuing as best as he can. I mean, one can view one's children or aging parents in terms of exploitation too, but one can also view taking care of them the way one can as a way to nourish and sustain a dynamic and relationship that one views as being a very positive part in one's life.

The notion that someone is "getting screwed" in this context implies that there has to be a very specific kind of equity or balance for this not to be the case.

Irrelevant pet peeve tangent: By using sexual terms in aggressive-negative connotations one contributes to cultural sex-negativism and the soft-programming of especially newer generations to feel like sex being an aggressive, somewhat unidirectional act as being normative, as they absorb a lot of ideas about things without even thinking about it, even before puberty.

 

[barbad0s]

I'd think that even a 4-person relationship would be easier than a 3-person one... 3 people would make it somewhat more easy for one person to feel left out sometimes

But if the conditions you listed were all fulfilled, in theory it could work. It would be hard to find such a convenient balance like that in reality though.

 

[DonTaushMe]

A mind experiment I've had for awhile.

I believe it's possible for a three person committed relationship to work. A very specific type of relationship.


Each partner:

• is emotionally and sexually faithful to the other two
• is emotionally and sexually attracted to the other two
• is in love with the other two
• lives under the same roof
• spends time with other two partners unless practical reason (ie business trip) -in this case, the two partners who are physically together at the time make it up to the third by spending time together with third partner via skype, etc
• Settles a dispute with all 3 partners participating
• isn't insecure the other two value each other more

In this sort of relationship, regardless of the dynamic (ie 3 girls, 3 guys, 2 girls 1 guy, 2 guys 1 girl) each partner is equally interested in the other two. What this is NOT is the stereotypical patriarchal dynamic where the man (if there is one) has all the power in the relationship. Each partner is equal.

Here's where I believe most people are going to have difficulty imaging it. How can something like loving two people at the same time not get destroyed by jealousy and turn into a dramatic love triangle? -It's about how open minded the 3 partners are? Is it also about circumstance?

I imagine all partners have to be skilled negotiators and exceptionally diplomatic

How could this relationship dynamic work?

Can something like this last?

Is the love here as deep as in a conventional monogamous relationship?

What do you think?

I saw a news broadcast about a household of people all 'in love' with each other. It was 3 couples, if I'm not mistaken, all living in the same house having the same kinds of relationships with each other. They did exactly what you have stated here, which is switch off sex-capaids between them all and have group discussions about disputes and so on and so forth. There were 3 men and 3 women and because of all them having sex with each other there were multiple kids from various match ups. Now were they happy? Any time you have a group or community where your thoughts and feelings matter you're going to be happy enough. Were they all in love with each other? Depends on your definition of love. With my own personal definition of love... when I first saw the broadcast I did not believe they were in love because of how, more than a few of them, had acted towards various others. They had done the interview with the original couples who came in together and I remember seeing one couple of a man and woman just very cold to each other. From seeing that as well as hearing that they had been having troubles and the woman just goes off with some other woman and the man goes off by himself, I do not believe that is love. To me that was more of 'you're not the only one here and I'm happier for it' which would be the case between any number of people who decide to do this as opposed to just two people working together as a unit. When one gets hurt feelings from another they have the third to run to. When the third gets the same hurt feelings they can pretty well just vote that other out. So is it long lasting? Depends... I believe the broadcast I saw with this particular house of 6 people will last for a very long time, and truly it has already.

 

[La Sagna]

Based merely on what you have said, it's rather cynical to view this through the lens of exploitation rather than him genuinely appreciating what the 3 of them have built and have together, and wanting to contribute to it continuing as best as he can. I mean, one can view one's children or aging parents in terms of exploitation too, but one can also view taking care of them the way one can as a way to nourish and sustain a dynamic and relationship that one views as being a very positive part in one's life.

The notion that someone is "getting screwed" in this context implies that there has to be a very specific kind of equity or balance for this not to be the case.

Irrelevant pet peeve tangent: By using sexual terms in aggressive-negative connotations one contributes to cultural sex-negativism and the soft-programming of especially newer generations to feel like sex being an aggressive, somewhat unidirectional act as being normative, as they absorb a lot of ideas about things without even thinking about it, even before puberty.

Your comment about the aggressive-negative connotations is duly noted but being from a generation that remembers when there was no internet I somehow doubt that my using the term 'screwed' as a negative term will 'mess up' the younger generation that much considering what internet pornography and social media is doing to the perception of what is expected in a sexual relationship.

As for my comment about the husband being on the losing end of this deal it comes from observations that he is passive and considerate and the wife and her boyfriend are not. The husband supports them financially and also does much of the housework, obviously sometimes as his wife is having a shower with her boyfriend. They can do whatever they want but as someone who has been in an unbalanced relationship with just one other person where I was kind and considerate and he would take advantage of that I think that having two people take advantage of a kind and considerate individual would put them in an even more difficult situation.

 

[barbad0s]

I do not believe that is love. To me that was more of 'you're not the only one here and I'm happier for it' which would be the case between any number of people who decide to do this as opposed to just two people working together as a unit.

Yeah I really feel that is integral to this idea. It's hard enough to give your all and maintain a relationship with one person, and it requires a lot of give and take. I don't really think a 3 or more person relationship could be equally as deep as a couple relationship for this reason. It might be like a lasting awkward friendship, but it can't be the same as an exclusive love between two people, the smallest unit of a human relationship that there can be.

 

[latte]

Your comment about the aggressive-negative connotations is duly noted but being from a generation that remembers when there was no internet I somehow doubt that my using the term 'screwed' as a negative term will 'mess up' the younger generation that much considering what internet pornography and social media is doing to the perception of what is expected in a sexual relationship.

Well,

didn't single handedly cause the holocaust either, but he sure

contributed

:3

As for my comment about the husband being on the losing end of this deal it comes from observations that he is passive and considerate and the wife and her boyfriend are not. The husband supports them financially and also does much of the housework, obviously sometimes as his wife is having a shower with her boyfriend. They can do whatever they want but as someone who has been in an unbalanced relationship with just one other person where I was kind and considerate and he would take advantage of that I think that having two people take advantage of a kind and considerate individual would put them in an even more difficult situation.

Given the new information of him being passive (I assume you mean in a manner indicating he is easily made a victim by controlling types) and that he is considerate and they are not, then yeah, it's rather warranted to be suspicious that the relationship might being unhealthy in an exploitative fashion.

 

[La Sagna]

Well,

didn't single handedly cause the holocaust either, but he sure :3

Hitler, really? A bit of a stretch don't you think? So I made one comment about somebody being screwed over and you compare my contribution to 'cultural sex-negativism' to Hitler's contribution to the Holocaust? Obviously having a reasonable discussion on such a matter is difficult for you if you have to stretch that far.

 

[the]

Mother, Father, child. Three people, working, loving relationship.