To what degree should we be open in real life?

[Satya]

I've often reserved myself for the sake of maintaining harmony in real life. But it seems like every time I do so, every time I don't express what I truly feel and think, I either miss an excellent opportunity or I have sowed the seeds for a terrible situation. So to what degree should people be open? How vulnerable do we truly make ourselves when we are honest with others?

 

[CokeNut]

I'm a little too open IRL ... heck I am on this board too And that just make for the equal but opposite of your issue. I'm always left thinking or worse knowing that I have said too much.

 

[frozen_water]

I have such a bad concept of what's "too much." It's strange though because all my depth of thought centers around one or two narrow areas... so if they don't come up, I'm not open at all, but if they do, the person strikes an acid mine of things I almost definitely shouldn't have said.

In theory, I really think we should (and I try to be) as open and honest as possible. If conversation hits the "deep part" filled with the things I should probably never say, and the person gets scared and runs (or tries to hurt me with it), I can at least console myself with the fact that "well, they asked... so I didn't really do anything wrong." I've learned recently to preface it with "this answer isn't what you think it'll be... are you sure you want me to answer that?" though. You might get hurt... in fact you almost definitely will sometimes... but on the other hand, you might just strike gold. I personally think the relationships you build without reserving parts of your thoughts and feelings are well worth the trouble that other ones cause... at least for me. Plus, people tend to respond very well when you're wide open about weakness in yourself.

Actually I'm not sure that's recommend that for INFJs though, now that I think about it. I know now that I won't hurt anybody if they hurt me (er... with practice and a few bad mistakes), so I only have damage to myself to consider... and that's not worth that much to me. If I were more prone to lash back at the people who hurt me, though, I would have to rethink that.

 

[Shai Gar]

I'm completely open in real life... However nearly everything I say is a complete lie designed to maintain my privacy and entertain the listener.

I'm only generally honest with my friends

 

[alcyone]

But why lie? If everything you say here is designed to entertain does that mean you aren't as interesting a person to hang out with face to face?

I'm not saying I want to know all the down and dirty of everyone I meet and know. I'll figure out quick enough if someone is interesting enough to scratch under the surface of.

As for me. Nothing I tell people is anything they can't learn somehow or another by themselves through some other source than me. I don't even share my deepest and darkest with my spouse. Really, I have only two friends who know some of the skeletons in my closet.

It should be based on how much you trust the other person.

Depends on what you refer to as 'open'? Are we talking like in a game of truth or dare you are never taking a dare? Or are you referring to the ability to bare you inner most emotions irregardless of what it might evoke from your immediate society? It's one thing to write about how much you want to tear out the eyes of so-and-so, its another thing to tell the entire neighboorhood.

It might also be a psychology issue. People generally want to follow the crowd. While the introverts among the mob might not agree, they are most likely to go with the flow....or just allow the flow to go as it may be. Its hard enough for an introvert to be with the crowd, putting an introvert in overt opposition to the crowd is definately a nightmare.

 

[Shai Gar]

Because when someone tells me something in confidence (which is all the time unless told otherwise) then i feel honourbound to keep it so. Anything done with another person is similarly something that'd need there consent before telling. Only things I'd honestly talk about are things I've done with myself, or my ambitions or thoughts. Most are offended by my thoughts so I don't share them, my ambitions are secret because i don't want people stopping me, and making up entertainment is often more amusing than, worked all day, did a lot of reading, came home, got online.

 

[alcyone]

But how could anyone here interfere with your ambitions? And doesn't anything happen in your life that is amusing and could make someone laugh?

Some of your thoughts aren't exactly mainstream but all of us have them. You are just one of the few here who are willing to share them.

And there is nothing wrong with having worked all day, reading a lot, and then getting online. Sounds pretty much like my daily life anyway.

 

[Shai Gar]

But how could anyone here interfere with your ambitions? And doesn't anything happen in your life that is amusing and could make someone laugh?

Some of your thoughts aren't exactly mainstream but all of us have them. You are just one of the few here who are willing to share them.

And there is nothing wrong with having worked all day, reading a lot, and then getting online. Sounds pretty much like my daily life anyway.

yeah, but that can be summed up in one sentence, not exactly laugh material

 

[greenapple]

I'm completely open in real life... However nearly everything I say is a complete lie designed to maintain my privacy and entertain the listener.

I'm only generally honest with my friends

Wow... same.

But why lie? If everything you say here is designed to entertain does that mean you aren't as interesting a person to hang out with face to face?

I'm not saying I want to know all the down and dirty of everyone I meet and know. I'll figure out quick enough if someone is interesting enough to scratch under the surface of.

As for me. Nothing I tell people is anything they can't learn somehow or another by themselves through some other source than me. I don't even share my deepest and darkest with my spouse. Really, I have only two friends who know some of the skeletons in my closet.

It should be based on how much you trust the other person.

Depends on what you refer to as 'open'? Are we talking like in a game of truth or dare you are never taking a dare? Or are you referring to the ability to bare you inner most emotions irregardless of what it might evoke from your immediate society? It's one thing to write about how much you want to tear out the eyes of so-and-so, its another thing to tell the entire neighboorhood.

It might also be a psychology issue. People generally want to follow the crowd. While the introverts among the mob might not agree, they are most likely to go with the flow....or just allow the flow to go as it may be. Its hard enough for an introvert to be with the crowd, putting an introvert in overt opposition to the crowd is definately a nightmare.

At least for me I don't consider it dishonest.... and I wouldn't say less interesting. I would consider the part of myself I don't openly display more interesting... that is why I reserve it for only a choice few that I really trust... and the rest just for me
It is not because of any need to follow the crowd. Take a real crowd.. like a mob. If you are the head of the crowd and have a specific plan, you don't share it with the crowd.. just a few close planners. The mob is just happy to be running amok and wouldn't want spoil their fun with "plans." That is how many of my friends are. Great when I want to just have fun.. but not the same as my inner circle. So I keep the mob happy with entertainment while I search for possible planners.

 

[Shai Gar]

It is not because of any need to follow the crowd. Take a real crowd.. like a mob. If you are the head of the crowd and have a specific plan, you don't share it with the crowd.. just a few close planners. The mob is just happy to be running amok and wouldn't want spoil their fun with "plans." That is how many of my friends are. Great when I want to just have fun.. but not the same as my inner circle. So I keep the mob happy with entertainment while I search for possible planners.

I'm EXACTLY the same! Most of my "Planner" friends get drafted into my political party, my charity or my business plans.

 

[palettesirens]

I don't usually initiate self-disclosure with people I don't know well but if we're in the middle of a conversation I'll elaborate on the "me toos" to try to contribute to a open and honest atmosphere that will ease the barriers. It helps when you can relate to your confidant.

I am extremely curious about the deeper thoughts and feelings of people so it's only fair if I give in return the vulnerability I request. This type of interaction is of course exclusively shared with safe and trustworthy people only!!