The usefulness of an unusefull person

[Serval]

Hello everyone, i didn't check up my account from a long time, and here i am again, i ask you sincerely, what do you personally think you would have done or would do (faint hope) if you could grasp the light, or the power of usefulness?
I usually am very hard on myself, uselessly, you can't grow anything from a hard and dry soil, i tell myself, you have to let the water pass throug you, i beg myself, you don't need fear if you don't accept hope, i scar (not literally, i create, i would say a bouncing memory) myself.
I might just be exaggerating things, i could not see what IS and misunderstood it for what May be, but i don't feel like fight to exist, to survive, because i tend to separate myself from what i do.
I just think i am not useful to anyone, i just make others suffer, it is not other's fault, but i can't see how it can only be mine, the vines and roots that connects everything isn't under anything but itself.
So from the mumbling of a stupid kid, may you give him some advise, may you bright his sight with guiding lights in the darkness of his arrogant mind, may you, o kind counselors, help him to help himself?

 

[barbad0s]

I might just be exaggerating things

Yes, you are lol.

Why are you so hard on yourself? Did someone tell you or make you feel like you were worthless? You’re making yourself sound like you were the engineer who released the coronavirus upon the world or something.

 

[barbad0s]

Also, you’ve named yourself after a wild cat that makes expensive poop coffee, and that’s amazing.

 

[David54]

Brother, you are here, that is enough. you are here for a reason and a purpose. those things may impossible to see, but they are truth. you touch lives, whether it is clear to you or not. curious as to what makes you feel so little of and for yourself. .

 

[Serval]

What started all this? Everyday i ask that question.
But i can't find the answer to that question, my single hypothesis lies in my own existence, i may be an example for others: "here you go! What you don't have to be!" Is what i think i would say about myself in an advertisement.
It'slike i lost hope and fear at the same time, i only gained hate (a firing burden).
I despise who i am, even if i don't know who i am, for i can only be who i am and nothing else.
The only person that told me that i truly am worthless is myself. I am so hard with myself because i can't materialize my thoughts, my ideas and i generally think i don't have any wise ones, but truthfully in the great ocean of my mind, for how deep it can be, i can't feel the water in it, it is as if i lack water where water is necessary. I heartfully sink in this deep, dark pit for no real reason, it may be for the fire inside my thoughts and emotions, a fire that i can't control, a fire that burnt down the water inside my ocean and killed my eyesight that doesn't allow me to see an other face of mine, a face that might help me.
I choose Serval because of my name and surname (Ser*** **val***), i actually didn't know that it was the name of a feline, i live in Italy, but i don't mind the coronavirus, because it is, in my opinion, just a wave, i'd call it the wave of life (that lives with death), that started long ago and i don't understand why you should call it evil or good, because good and evil are the same thing, a human weight scale.

 

[barbad0s]

What started all this? Everyday i ask that question.
But i can't find the answer to that question, my single hypothesis lies in my own existence, i may be an example for others: "here you go! What you don't have to be!" Is what i think i would say about myself in an advertisement.
It'slike i lost hope and fear at the same time, i only gained hate (a firing burden).
I despise who i am, even if i don't know who i am, for i can only be who i am and nothing else.
The only person that told me that i truly am worthless is myself. I am so hard with myself because i can't materialize my thoughts, my ideas and i generally think i don't have any wise ones, but truthfully in the great ocean of my mind, for how deep it can be, i can't feel the water in it, it is as if i lack water where water is necessary. I heartfully sink in this deep, dark pit for no real reason, it may be for the fire inside my thoughts and emotions, a fire that i can't control, a fire that burnt down the water inside my ocean and killed my eyesight that doesn't allow me to see an other face of mine, a face that might help me.
I choose Serval because of my name and surname (Ser*** **val***), i actually didn't know that it was the name of a feline, i live in Italy, but i don't mind the coronavirus, because it is, in my opinion, just a wave, i'd call it the wave of life (that lives with death), that started long ago and i don't understand why you should call it evil or good, because good and evil are the same thing, a human weight scale.

Ok lol so you know it’s only yourself thinking you’re worthless. That’s a start.

You said you think you make others suffer? Can you pinpoint an instance where you’ve done that? If not then just get rid of that idea too.

 

[Serval]

Ok lol so you know it’s only yourself thinking you’re worthless. That’s a start.

You said you think you make others suffer? Can you pinpoint an instance where you’ve done that? If not then just get rid of that idea too.

Not speaking with them when they expect an answer, not having any social interaction (not going to school, even virtually).
Overall rejecting everything others offer me or rhrow against me.
Not being able to have a conversation because of my scarce knowledge, brightened by a complex line of thought.(i wonder if you ever can not have a scarce one)
Threatening them to do things (i never explained what i meant)
And other "bad" things
Actually they sometimes tell me i am worthless and other things similar to those, but i don't mind them saying those things, i know they don't just mean that, i know they care about me, but i also know how much those unintended words are true for me.

 

[barbad0s]

Not speaking with them when they expect an answer, not having any social interaction (not going to school, even virtually).
Overall rejecting everything others offer me or rhrow against me.
Not being able to have a conversation because of my scarce knowledge, brightened by a complex line of thought.(i wonder if you ever can not have a scarce one)
Threatening them to do things (i never explained what i meant)
And other "bad" things
Actually they sometimes tell me i am worthless and other things similar to those, but i don't mind them saying those things, i know they don't just mean that, i know they care about me, but i also know how much those unintended words are true for me.

None of these things sound like they would make other people suffer that much, if at all.

The only one that might make people is the first one.. also the threatening people? With what by the way?

Why don’t you reply to people who expect an answer? Are you just busy or feeling drained socially? It happens to lots of people. Just explain it to them.

 

[Serval]

None of these things sound like they would make other people suffer that much, if at all.

The only one that might make people is the first one.. also the threatening people? With what by the way?

Why don’t you reply to people who expect an answer? Are you just busy or feeling drained socially? It happens to lots of people. Just explain it to them.

I don't reply to them because i don't feel worthy to do so or because i don't know what to say.
It is not about being busy or socially drained, i'd say that it is because i don't have anything that keeps me living, i feel like i can only survive.
My threatenings are just silly ways to make them worry about me, because that way they can be more focused and thank to their fear, survive.
I don't hate others, don't get me wrong, i just don't like when people live in the mist of expectation.

 

[barbad0s]

I don't reply to them because i don't feel worthy to do so or because i don't know what to say.

Are you afraid of looking bad in the eyes of others? That’s literally everyone. Either you need to be less sensitive, or you need to find nicer people to interact with, or a bit of both. This obviously is not a healthy state of mind to continue to live in either way.

It is not about being busy or socially drained, i'd say that it is because i don't have anything that keeps me living, i feel like i can only survive.
My threatenings are just silly ways to make them worry about me, because that way they can be more focused and thank to their fear, survive.

What? They survive thanks to their fear/worry about you? I don’t get it.

 

[Serval]

I don't care what others think about me, i just can't see or find a road to follow.
In a way, yes, they threatened me too, i know i can't get anything if i fight someone with the same weapon, but i guess i prefer not getting something rather than seeing them suffer even more or most.

 

[barbad0s]

I don't care what others think about me, i just can't see or find a road to follow.
In a way, yes, they threatened me too, i know i can't get anything if i fight someone with the same weapon, but i guess i prefer not getting something rather than seeing them suffer even more or most.

Wot

 

[Serval]

Wot

Trust me, i may exaggerate things

 

[barbad0s]

Trust me, i may exaggerate things

You’re probably just fine the way you are.

Do you have any actual problems in your life right now because of this, besides making weird posts on the internet?

If you are, then maybe just try to have an open 1-1 discussion with the people involved about it.

 

[Serval]

You’re probably just fine the way you are.

Do you have any actual problems in your life right now because of this, besides making weird posts on the internet?

If you are, then maybe just try to have an open 1-1 discussion with the people involved about it.

With myself?

 

[Serval]

With myself?

I really am considering changing my life, or the way i am seen.

 

[Serval]

I really am considering changing my life, or the way i am seen.

Everything i wrote really is what i think abot myself, it may sound weird but those are almost the only things, the images i get from my situation, wich importance is irrelevant but at the same time cursing

 

[Serval]

Everything i wrote really is what i think abot myself, it may sound weird but those are almost the only things, the images i get from my situation, wich importance is irrelevant but at the same time cursing

Just to clear out what i think about what you said

 

[Rit4lin]

If I may interject. I agree with what @barbad0s has been saying, and the questions they have so far raised. From the sounds of it @Serval , you are simply wildly overthinking your interactions with others - we all do, to varying extremes, what you have explained in doing. One of the worst things is analysing too much that which doesn't deserve such attention; in doing so, you create issues and conceptions that aren't actually there, nor are real. The issue then persists and only becomes more destructive as you internalise it as you hear no other 'truth' - there is only your subjective own, until you voice such thoughts as you are doing now. I'm interested to hear of some of your thoughts, everyone has wisdom to share that can be helpful to another.

There is nothing wrong in not socialising along the same 'rules' set by the general populace. Not everybody is an overtly social creature. Perhaps yes, it would be better and more courteous if you at the very least just explained why you don't want to reply in the way they expect, or want. I think you've highlighted the main issue - your propensity to exaggerate. To go by what I said before: to exaggerate aspects of yourself and your interactions, but then believing such exaggerations are the truth of what defines you, is a rabbit-hole only of your making.

 

[Serval]

The fact is that i completely understand what you are saying, yet i sadly understand that i failed, once again, to speak my mind.
In fact i didn't want to concentrate too much on what i think about others, because the main question lies in myself, my exaggerating things are not my own fruits, i don't think those think to be exaggerated, they, in my opinion convey how i feel about this: a tornado without a clear route.
But my feelings, wich i see as almost meaningless, does not show what i think (not clearly).
My truth is not a truly what it is, i'd call it a possibility, i feel extremely lost and hopeless (as well as fearless), so much that i don't believe in what i write or say.
I assure you thoug that my thoughts sincerely align with youurs in this situation, mainly because of my poor explanation.