The secrecy of 'crushes' | INFJ Forum

The secrecy of 'crushes'

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by slant, Jul 3, 2010.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 2 users.
More threads by slant
  1. slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    381
    Messages:
    12,590
    Featured Threads:
    62
    Likes Received:
    28,229
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None
    So, I was thinking about it a lot lately and decided that there are only two reasons a person would keep a crush, or romantic interest, secret:

    Fear of Reject ( from the person themselves, their peers, etc.)

    OR

    Embarrassment from low-self esteem ( thinking that no one wants them, that they could never 'get' someone like that' because they aren't good enough in looks, appearance, riches, fame, etc.)

    I've decided to totally break this chain, because, hell, I've broken pretty much other social rule of conduct so why not break this one?

    From this point on I'm not going to try to hide who I have romantic inclinations towards for either of those reasons. Unless it's going to get me in jail, I'm going to be pretty vocal about it. My reasoning is this:



    1. I'm not afraid of rejection. I've been rejected plenty of times by plenty of people for mundane things. This isn't just romantic rejection. I've been rejected for job positions before, business proposals and plans of mine have been rejected. Rejection is a part of life and only if I was rejected was I able to get back up and do some serious heavy lifting. I improved after being rejected, and sometimes, the rejections were unjust. But that has never stopped me, and it's definitely not going to stop me in the romantic world.

    2. I have excellent self-esteem. I know my limits and I know what I am unsure on. Those who I like are a reflection of my good tastes. The majority of the time I have impeccable taste in men and women and their good qualities shine onto my good pickin' eyes. Even if I don't want to pursue something, what's the point in keeping it secret if you aren't afraid?



    So.

    What are you views on the 'secrecy' of crushes?

    Do you
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze likes this.
  2. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,413
    Messages:
    28,164
    Featured Threads:
    113
    Likes Received:
    23,658
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    I agree with you to an extent. There are real consequences to revealing crushes too soon or at all. I learned this the very hard way. There are times when i revealed crushes and embarrassed myself a great deal in the process. And it took me a long time to learn from my mistakes and get over it.

    Part of the problem is that i'm someone who would wear my heart on my sleeve, and so it wasn't hard for anyone to figure out if i liked someone (irl). But at the time that i had my most embarrassing experience with a crush, i wasn't in the right place, emotionally or psychologically, to know how to approach the person and situation appropriately. Limited relationship experience made it worse.

    So, revealing crushes can be pretty tricky. The other part of having a crush is that whether we're conscious that we do this or not, when we like someone, we are naturally going to want them to return the liking, so if they "reject" us even if it is done nicely, there's a feeling of disappointment or being let down after having put ourselves out there. There's also the possibility that it will be used against us to embarrass us. There's the fear that someone may use the crush you have for them to manipulate you or mock you - the "how could you ever think i would want to be with someone like you" scenario. So, there's good reason to fear revealing a crush.

    I think it's also important the keep in mind that revealing a crush can make that person feel very uncomfortable (especially if they don't share those feelings), and it can also change the nature of your relationship with them (for worse) if they're not interested.

    On the other hand, if we're not feeling so great, it feels good to know someone is interested or "crushing" on us (lol) even if it doesn't go anywhere as long as we're not leading them i think.

    But at the same time, if someone were to reveal a crush, maybe we'd start to think of that person more or differently even if we'd never thought of them in this way before.

    Having a crush can feel fun and exciting but revealing a crush can have not so fun consequences.

    idk, it's just complicated . . .
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #2 Gaze, Jul 3, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2010
  3. kita

    kita <font color=#990066>Regular Poster</font>

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2010
    Threads:
    17
    Messages:
    509
    Likes Received:
    87
    Trophy Points:
    587
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    There is another reason why someone would keep that secret. I've almost constantly been in a relationship since I was 14, but having a boyfriend didn't stop me from having crushes. I always keep those feelings to myself or sometimes a close friend, because I didn't want to end the relationship I was in and/or hurt anyone. If I was interested in someone already in a relationship I'd keep that a secret too.
     
  4. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Threads:
    67
    Messages:
    3,866
    Likes Received:
    226
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    infj
    These days I don't get crushes (YAY!) on real in my life people. I have a massive crush on Leonardo DiCaprio though and I don't care who knows about it!

    Revealing crushes is very tricky though. I think you have to use intuition on matters like these. It will help you with your timing and let you know if and even when you should do the reveal.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    under skies likes this.
  5. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    381
    Messages:
    12,590
    Featured Threads:
    62
    Likes Received:
    28,229
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None
    I guess for me it's just that I wouldn't pursue any of them. There are only like a couple who I would pursue, and I damn well want them to know that I would if they were available/interested and that the offer is still there pretty much no matter what. I don't care how many times I get rejected; once I get it out there once I'm pretty satisfied. And, I am totally able to be friends with someone who I would date if I could but they are not interested because my concept of dating is entirely different than with most and so basically I don't look at a person as a sex object or anything like that; it's not 'dirty thoughts' and if anyone wants to interpret it that way, it's not my problem. I don't see why we shouldn't take pride in our whims, fantasies, and desires.

    PLUS if someone is way uncomfortable with me liking them to the point that they don't want to be my friend, that's fine, then they weren't worth my investing my time in anyway if they are like that. Also, in a corporate setting and whatnot, I wouldn't 'have' likes or dislikes because it takes me a while to develop an emotional attachment so it wouldn't interfere with my work or business.


    Also, if someone is in a relationship, I still see no harm. There are people that I have romantic interests in who knew even before they were in a relationship that I would date them if the opportunity came up, and, I don't suddenly drop that, usually it's just that they create distance and then when they are out of a relationship it's free game. For me, it's all or nothing. If I can't be in a relationship with someone generally speaking then there is no point of being friends or anything else. If I like someone it's generally someone who WOULDN'T be freaked out by that sort of thing, they would be flattered, and as long as there are some clear boundaries in set their significant other wouldn't mind either. In fact, I might even know and be friends with the person who they are dating and I would be little to no threat. I respect the invisible lines of 'property' while people are in relationships.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #5 slant, Jul 3, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2010
  6. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,413
    Messages:
    28,164
    Featured Threads:
    113
    Likes Received:
    23,658
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    I guess everyone responds to crushes differently. My crushes were always so intense (lol). In any case, consequences vary. Some people would just rather not take the chance. And sometimes, the fun of a crush is in the secrecy. It isn't always necessary or important for the other person to know how we feel. you know.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  7. Detective Conan

    Detective Conan Doesn't Cast Shadows

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2009
    Threads:
    31
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    185
    Trophy Points:
    210
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    2w1
    Finally, someone who doesn't fall victim to the crushing fallacies of a crush. It's such a waste of time to dance around them. Anyway, to your inquiry to us:

    Personally, I see keeping crushes a secret as unnecessary. Chances are good that keeping these feelings secret isn't good for either person. One, the person bottling these feelings likely feel stress from doing so. Two, concerning the party which is being crushed on, it's dishonest not to tell them. Plus, putting the crush "out there" might make both people happy. It might not, but that's life. Relax, retire; it was just a crush, after all.

    Keeping crushes a secret seems silly and childish to me, personally.

     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    381
    Messages:
    12,590
    Featured Threads:
    62
    Likes Received:
    28,229
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None

    not take a chance= embarrassment from low self-esteem
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  9. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,413
    Messages:
    28,164
    Featured Threads:
    113
    Likes Received:
    23,658
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Whatever the reason or motive, people don't have to reveal their crushes. I don't see revealing the crush as accomplishing anything really. And why reveal it if it's fleeting? If the crush doesn't last, then why does the person need to know about it?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #9 Gaze, Jul 3, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2010
  10. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2010
    Threads:
    33
    Messages:
    2,042
    Likes Received:
    507
    Trophy Points:
    672
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    I agree with OP that those two named reasons are the most common reason to keep a crush to yourself, but they are not the only ones.

    I used to have a crush on a guy at my school, two years older than me. I think that he liked me too, but at that time I didn't want to be involved and having only a crush, romanticizing what would it be to be in a relationship with someone like him were enough, I didn't want more of it, so I kept it to myself. It was such a good time, I spent hours thinking of him, just seeing him in the hallway would make my day, those were my silly periods, but it was fun and innocent, and I'm pretty sure that it was good that I kept it a secret.

    Later on, if I had a crush on someone and wanted to be with him, I had no problem telling so, so other than that one time, I didn't keep any other crush a secret.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    381
    Messages:
    12,590
    Featured Threads:
    62
    Likes Received:
    28,229
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None

    But why not be open with the information even if you don't intend on pursuing it? There's no drawback, really.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  12. Phoenix Down

    Phoenix Down Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2010
    Threads:
    80
    Messages:
    968
    Likes Received:
    174
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    ENTP
    Enneagram:
    3w?
    There is a drawback. its useless information that others put energy into. telling a hoard of girls you have a crush is like asking them to bother you until you do somthing... Luckily I have many friends that wouldn't bother me about it.

    I also don't see the point in making relations with person I have a crush on akward. "yeah I just wanted to let you know I have a crush on you but have absolutely no intention of asking you out, soooo have you read any good books lately?"


    Although... my crush on Neil Patrick Harris is no secret...
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze likes this.
  13. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    381
    Messages:
    12,590
    Featured Threads:
    62
    Likes Received:
    28,229
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None
    Well, if it comes up. Usually if you like someone it's pretty obvious, and it comes up in conversation awkwardly in one way or another. I mean, being honest about it doesn't mean you have to announce it randomly, just if it's relevant, not denying it or suddenly clamming up and getting quiet.

    In fact, if anyone wanted, I could tell you all pretty much all of the crushes I have since kindergarten, although, some of their names I wont remember, just the way they look and the odd reasons I liked them.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  14. Phoenix Down

    Phoenix Down Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2010
    Threads:
    80
    Messages:
    968
    Likes Received:
    174
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    ENTP
    Enneagram:
    3w?
    If asked, I won't lie or anything: I accept that I am human, and that's nothing to be embarassed about. I just don't find it important to divulge such information.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  15. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2010
    Threads:
    33
    Messages:
    2,042
    Likes Received:
    507
    Trophy Points:
    672
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    Open with whom, him or my friends?

    If people know about your crush their behavior will inevitably change. If it's your friends who know, than they find it interesting to report you with whom they saw him with, what was he doing, and I really didn't care about that. And there is always a chance that by them and their behavior the information that you like him will get to him. As for him not knowing the reasons are really only the perceived change in behavior, whether he was told about it by the person who has a crush on him or by someone else, his demeanor is bound to change. And I didn't want any of that.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  16. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,413
    Messages:
    28,164
    Featured Threads:
    113
    Likes Received:
    23,658
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Agree. once upon a time, i thought it was necessary to reveal a crush, partly because i hoping it would develop into something more. But now i realize that half the fun of a crush is that it's unrequited and that the person doesn't know you have it. So, i don't think it's important to reveal crush. It takes away from the mystery. Revealing it can make the situation awkward for everyone. So, i think keeping it secret is fun especially if there are no expectations that anything will come of it.

    Edit: In the end, i'd rather not have crushes, they're just way too intense.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #16 Gaze, Jul 4, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2010
  17. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2009
    Threads:
    20
    Messages:
    1,382
    Likes Received:
    97
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    9w1
    I had a terrible crush on a friend when I was younger. I kept it secret until it make me physically sick from stress because I just didn't know what to say. Not so much fear of rejection as messing it up and not getting my point across.
    When I actually did say something, it was pretty lame and I nearly fainted from the overwhelming emotion.
    It was also because I didn't really want to feel that way. I just wanted to be friends.
    Sort of put me off ever doing it again...
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    381
    Messages:
    12,590
    Featured Threads:
    62
    Likes Received:
    28,229
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None
    Awww. Well be secretive if you want, it just sounds stuffy and private.

    I'll be loud and out with whatever I have got to say.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  19. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Threads:
    67
    Messages:
    3,866
    Likes Received:
    226
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    infj
    Keep us posted on how that works for you :)
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  20. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    381
    Messages:
    12,590
    Featured Threads:
    62
    Likes Received:
    28,229
    Trophy Points:
    1,901
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    None
    In kindergarten I had a crush on a kid name Justin...and I remember it because he always sat in front of me on the mat when there was storytime...and he had blond hair and in one ear he had a piercing, and he had blue eyes, and I thought it was weird he had a piercing because I'd never seen a boy with a piercing, so, I like him for the entire class.

    And then I think in like the third grade there was this part indian kid who was really strong and buff and he played football and I thought he was the most awesome person ever.

    And then I remember in fifth grade this guy who had the cutest lil blond hair and rosy cheeks and blue eyes and he was popular and everyone liked him and he was really nice and polite to everyone and he was funny and he knew how to ride on a pogo stick and he had really bright white teeth and he was in a play with me and he always invited me to play with him and his friend Josh and Cole on the playground and the girls always stole his shoes and threw them over the fence because all of the girls like him, and he was always class president and he was really smart and he had the coolest handwriting ever it was military style, I knew this because I used to grade his papers and he always had good grades, especially in math, and he always invited me to sit with him at lunch. And I crushed on him until sixth grade.

    And then this same guy, I moved away and went to a different middle school but we went to the same High School and then he invited me to come sit at his table one day and that was probably the best day of my life ever, and at the time I said no because I actually didn't want to talk to him because at the time I was pretty down and depressed about a few things in my life, but anyway, if I ever see that bastard again, he will be MINE. MINE. MINE. Impeccable taste is what I have.

    Sorry. I got a little fixated on that one kid for a second. So then, in the sixth grade, I had a crush on a teacher which I later found out was a girl, which was actually pretty disturbing but I somehow still was crushin on her.

    Then after that, in middle school, I had like fifty million crushes.

    Usually they were guys that my friends talked about that I think I just attached to fit in.

    The real crushes I had didn't even go to my school and were all exes of one of my girlfriends'.

    There was Ashton...Nathanael...It seems like there was a third one that I like but I can't remember....

    Oh and eventually I ended up liking the girl who I liked all of the exes from....

    and...she's aware of this....nathaneal was aware i liked him and after he proclaimed he was interested in dating i stopped talking to him...and ashton was aware but he was kinda weird and anyway he was already taken but i proceeded to hit on him anyway....


    And that is all of the crushes I have ever had in my entire life. Enjoy.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #20 slant, Jul 4, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2010
Loading...

Share This Page