The Problem with BPD

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Borderlines do suffer tremendously. More so than Narcissists, Histrionics, or Antisocial individuals, in my opinion.

This makes them more damaging to SOs and their kids. Why? Because they torture you as you try to help them -- their loved ones tolerate abuse because the Borderline inflicting the pain isn't exactly abusive; rather, they see you as a "bad"object at that moment. So what is the abused supposed to do? Borderlines have conditional empathy.

That's scary. Imagine a child wondering if he or she will be attacked for failing a class -- and that is a vicious, extremely abusive attack -- or reassured that "it will all be okay."

Borderlines terrorize their "loved" ones by keeping them in a state of constant fear. It's seems like myth that borderlines mainly hurt themselves. They debase, dehumanize, kick, punch, and more. At that moment, the person they are terrorizing is just an object.

I've seen a borderline laugh while slapping and humiliating a "loved" one in front of a crowd. I've seen sadism. What bothers me the most is the emotional and financial exploitation of those they claim to love.

I think they are very dangerous; but, because they are only sadistic and antisocial some of the time, they confuse people. Consequently, these people are more likely to tolerate abuse because they "know the other kind, loving side." Think Stockholm Syndrome.

My mother is the person I'm describing. Has anyone dealt with a borderline family member?
 
I'm the youngest child, and she is 73. My siblings either moved away or are not competent enough. Her sisters don't talk to her. I am The Person, iow, the caretaker. But, it has been this way for 25 years. If I leave, she will kill herself; if I stay, I lose my remaining years to her. And, the more I help, the more abusive she becomes. She also has custody of my goddaughter J, which I never should have allowed. J is 16 and has Asperger's.
 
It truly is a tough decision to take care of someone we love and care for that we know cannot return our affections equally.

My heart goes out to you. In my situation I do not know my older sister's 'ilness'. Her employer retired her disabled based on Anxiety and Depression. Her supervisor told me there was no box to check for Doctor Jekyll, Mrs Hyde. She has so many characteristics of BPD, NPD, and Skitzotypal personality disorders. I spent much of my life as her punching bag, patsy, and target. She victimized, and still tries to, many people in her lifetime. I went into theraphy a long time ago because I internalized much of her behavior...always thinking it my fault some how. I discovered that it wasn't me, it was her, and I stay in talk theraphy as a way to reinforce tools learned to navigate her. As she has aged much of her furry has disipated to puffs of smoke. She's not physically able to swing punches anymore, only verbally attack, and her words are made of the same thin smoke tgese days. I love and care for what could have been. She's my sister so I can't abandon her, but I do limit my time I engage with her, and how those engagements go. She is a monster of sorts.

It is an amazing burst of courage when we survive our monsters. When they become weak on their tyranny because we have learned to be strong in our survival.

And, that survival boils down to the question of intelligently picking our battles with a mentally ill or challenged relative that we chose to keep in our lives. The only other choice is to walk away and leave them to their own misery.

I believe that's why I keep watchful eyes on my sister...so she cannot hurt others in the same ways she has me. I'm able to step in and diffuse the situation now.

The best solution geneuinely is to practice self care and good mental hygiene, because you can adapt and change you, you cannot change them.

Best wishes, take care, here to talk if you choose. <3
 
Sandie33 said:
It truly is a tough decision to take care of someone we love and care for that we know cannot return our affections equally.

My heart goes out to you. In my situation I do not know my older sister's 'ilness'. Her employer retired her disabled based on Anxiety and Depression. Her supervisor told me there was no box to check for Doctor Jekyll, Mrs Hyde. She has so many characteristics of BPD, NPD, and Skitzotypal personality disorders. I spent much of my life as her punching bag, patsy, and target. She victimized, and still tries to, many people in her lifetime. I went into theraphy a long time ago because I internalized much of her behavior...always thinking it my fault some how. I discovered that it wasn't me, it was her, and I stay in talk theWraphy as a way to reinforce tools learned to navigate her. As she has aged much of her furry has disipated to puffs of smoke. She's not physically able to swing punches anymore, only verbally attack, and her words are made of the same thin smoke tgese days. I love and care for what could have been. She's my sister so I can't abandon her, but I do limit my time I engage with her, and how those engagements go. She is a monster of sorts.
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See, I hear you and I think, "Was there anyone who should have helped you, but did not?" Even though one logically understands the behavior, the constant attacks and manipulations aren't healthy. We are forcing ourselves to remain in a fighting pit, which can eventually cause dissociation and PTSD.

Some borderlines seem as if they should be in a group home for their own good and the protection of others.

I also think of my mom as a monster sometimes. When I was a toddler (?) -- four years old, mom told me that she would have no reason to live once I left her. She may have said that she would kill herself. I used to fantasize that another baby, a tough baby, was borne instead of me. I didn't want mom to be lonely, nor did I want another kid to feel how I felt. So, I imagined a tough, resilient child to take my place.

I was pretty much emotionally tortured as a child and teenager. I felt relief when she overdosed or cut herself because I was alone for a week or two. She always called 911 immediately.

Once, she took a large quantity of aspirin to thin her blood before she cut herself. I don't know if this is true, but she said she used a hair color bottle to accelerate the initial blood loss. She was bragging. Smile and all. My best friend helped me mop up the blood while mom was in the hospital. She bragged -- again -- that she lost a lot of blood and nearly died.

I cannot have normal relationships. I don't know how.

You have my sympathy...but, I wonder what would happen if your sister did not have you? I wonder if some of these individuals would be okay.

These situations anger me.

It is an amazing burst of courage when we survive our monsters. When they become weak on their tyranny because we have learned to be strong in our survival.

And, that survival boils down to the question of intelligently picking our battles with a mentally ill or challenged relative that we chose to keep in our lives. The only other choice is to walk away and leave them to their own misery.

I believe that's why I keep watchful eyes on my sister...so she cannot hurt others in the same ways she has me. I'm able to step in and diffuse the situation now.

The best solution genuinely is to practice self care and good mental hygiene, because you can adapt and change you, you cannot change them.
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I don't know your exact situation, but I do know that domestic assault would not be tolerated from a SO. No one should live in fear. I think the Cluster B types are not always safe to live with. The personality disordered probably wreak more havoc than most mentally ill people. Because many aren't a drain on the economy, they aren't seen as needing isolation from the community, and monitoring.

You can PM me if you feel comfortable.
 
Anyone here with BPD? Or social services, for that matter.

My mom is verbally and emotionally abusing J. Who has Asperger's. If she perceives that J wants to talk to me alone, the rage starts to build. J will text and ask me to call and distract mom when she's harassing her.
 
I'm very sorry for you, it surely is a disease of the worst kind.

My mothers sister does have a quite similar history. She went as far as two murders companied with my father. The problem with BPD and NPD together is that all the actions are justified, they have a certain sense of being allowed to do anything and to keep everything. They need to be taken into custody, lose everything, and be treated as nutcases as they are for them to realize the madness they live in. Unfortunately, they tend to linger out of those situations quite perfectly. Might sound a bit harsh, but from my experience there is no other way. My mothers sister had his child sell drugs for her, put up fake businesses' for her, get into jail for her and quite a bit of things that may remain in an imaginary sense. All this because no one thought anything could be done.

As to my father I know that he has these traits too, but has changed routines and behaviour due to some minor consequences. As I left, I received the speech of not wanting to live anymore, but I knew he never had the balls for it. He just wants some of that precious empathy. Oh well, there's no more of that so he had to change. Now he's doing better I feel like. Finding interest in books and such. The problem he has and always has been is fear. Fear that justice might bring him down some day from his chair. As I think of it now I feel like it would have helped him a lot to say him that "all is forgiven". But I think he wouldn't have believed me in the first place. That misery is well deserved. Yet again it doesn't mean that I wouldn't wish him the best and a recovery, but a mind that doesn't knowledge a weakness will not recover.

I feel like I had my fair share of inheriting and living with BPD traits, but I had some people in my life that I truly respected and listened to. Even though I found myself neglecting every piece of advice and criticism, I could always question my thoughts and feelings thanks to them and their patience. I enjoyed putting other people down a lot. I could think a bunch of characteristics that irritated me on a daily basis so I could continue hating, but I'm not going to. Everything was a trigger. My brain had formed everything into something negative, to memories of my childhood. I felt empathy as patronizing jargon, compliments as manipulation and love simply didn't exist. As twisted as I was I laughed when getting my ass kicked and when winning a fight shredded them with mental abuse on top. I felt like there was no way to break me which felt amazing after I was hurt and depressed from the age of 5. When I lost a job, my friends, respect, my house, a good female friend of mine, my credit, my criminal record and finally the respect of my brother, I felt like this is it. I'm going to blow my head off right then and there. It was a spiral of feelings in which I came to find peace. I'm not sure if there is any pleasant way to snap out of it. To realize what you do to others and yourself on a daily basis. And the most important part, to realize why.

I think a psychotherapist would have helped me a lot if I could have accepted help into my life. But I never really could as the feeling of not being understood was something I carried with me all along. I really want to help my father still as I know more now, but I'm not sure if there is a way to explain and teach that much. I think silence will explain more to him. As actions have consequences which he never really faced, now is his time.
 
Sandie33 said:
It is an amazing burst of courage when we survive our monsters. When they become weak on their tyranny because we have learned to be strong in our survival.
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This story is terrifying, especially since it's about your mother. I didn't know that Borderlines could be so dangerous to the people around them. If it comes to blackmail, violence, manipulation of even family members and loved ones, they should be isolated. It is pretty dangerous to live in a house with a mentally ill person. I know what I'm saying because our grandmother was suffering from BPD, and it was complicated to try to control her negative emotions. Check on fherehab.com if your mother does not show these symptoms of BPD because if she does, she may even be suicidal. It is better to discover all the problems in advance to try to offer her the appropriate treatment.
 
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