“The One” or “Soul Mates” | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

“The One” or “Soul Mates”

JJJA said:
I never implied anyone on this thread were pessimistic. Just posting with a hint of cynicism (which is never a bad thing until it overtakes one's ability to understand personalities).
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I never meant to imply that you implied anything. Just wanted to point out the reason why there may be a tone of cynicism. And if I am one of the guilty ones (probably :p) posting with a hint of cynicism, I just wanted to clear the air that it's not cynicism nor pessimism but realism. That's all. The entire subject of a "Soul Mate" will be met with opposers and supporters with a few who are indifferent. Most opposers will be a bit cynical to such an idealistic approach to love, in my opinion, because of our life's experiences with it. But, I should correct myself and speak only for myself and no one else.
 
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Misadventure said:
I never meant to imply that you implied anything. Just wanted to point out the reason why there may be a tone of cynicism. And if I am one of the guilty ones (probably :p) posting with a hint of cynicism, I just wanted to clear the air that it's not cynicism nor pessimism but realism. That's all. The entire subject of a "Soul Mate" will be met with opposers and supporters with a few who are indifferent. Most opposers will be a bit cynical to such an idealistic approach to love, in my opinion, because of our life's experiences with it. But, I should correct myself and speak only for myself and no one else.
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Stop implying implication!
 
[video=youtube;e76FZGFIsFg]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e76FZGFIsFg[/video]
 
First of all, I am implying that there was an implied implication of cynicism being implied... and I'm offended. :) I'm totally kidding. In response to a lot of the good posts here, I want to clarify on some things. When I say the One or Soul Mates, I am talking about the Disney brand of love. The happily ever after tales and the unrealistic expectations of knights in shining armor. This mentality is extremely prevalent in the Mormon population that is present in the state I live in. I actually argue that having this unrealistic idealistic expectation of love and relationships is in a cynical because they believe the only relationship worth the time and effort is one that falls into that mythical realm. It is because it completely refuses to acknowledge reality which is that sustainable relationships require a bit more dedication and work than what we see portrayed in the media. And that work can often times be very rewarding.
 
jimtaylor said:
First of all, I am implying that there was an implied implication of cynicism being implied... and I'm offended. :) I'm totally kidding. In response to a lot of the good posts here, I want to clarify on some things. When I say the One or Soul Mates, I am talking about the Disney brand of love. The happily ever after tales and the unrealistic expectations of knights in shining armor. This mentality is extremely prevalent in the Mormon population that is present in the state I live in. I actually argue that having this unrealistic idealistic expectation of love and relationships is in a cynical because they believe the only relationship worth the time and effort is one that falls into that mythical realm. It is because it completely refuses to acknowledge reality which is that sustainable relationships require a bit more dedication and work than what we see portrayed in the media. And that work can often times be very rewarding.
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Probably why there are so many murders and divorces.
For myself finding someone where you did not have to work hard to be around...where you actually just enjoyed their company more than you did not would be a find.
I think that might be enough but may never know.
 
I think a lot of people get pretty bent out of shape when anything relationship related comes up - especially if they haven't had the opportunity to love deeply and unconditionally and especially if they have not felt loved deeply and unconditionally.

I think the terms "soul mate" and "the one" are a bit too humanized in the sense that people tend to look for a list of characteristics that they imagine "the one" to have.

Something I've noticed is that many people who thought they found the one because they met certain criteria often go on to find lovers that are nearly the opposite of what they thought they wanted. I usually find that trying to make chemistry with someone superficially usually isn't all that fulfilling. It's different when you find a person nearly unexpectedly who is just on the same wavelength as you in terms of emotional, intellectual and physical chemistry.

Finding "The One" to me is more about relationship balance and loving without specific conditions. It is not forced and comes naturally. I believe those who have experienced that kind of synergistic relationships will agree.

I also don't believe those relationships last.

It seems to me that most people will meet a match based on who they are in that moment. Most people are pretty underdeveloped in a lot of ways so will typically find a mate that is underdeveloped in some way and even if the love and attraction is strong it never becomes fully realized. Relationships like this are a great stepping stone. You might call these SO's Soul Mates just because their "soul" (if you believe in that kind of thing) passed by yours on its journey to find a truer long lasting connection.

In my case, I'm nearly certain I have found the person I will spend the rest of my life with. We both dated other people on the way to finding each other, and even when we initially connected the time wasn't right. We faded out of each other's lives for four years and reconnected again. The same spark and chemistry was there but everything else that was needed had come into alignment and it worked.

I don't really believe in Souls in the same way most people might, but I do believe that your energy and life can reach a certain level of alignment, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it so that you can fully and deeply connect with other people who are ready to receive that and who are also at a level of alignment/enlightenment where they can reciprocate what you have to offer so that there is an equal, balanced, complementary exchange of energy.
 
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The relationships i had always had a fated cathartic thing about them that i couldn't seem to get through, nor outgrow internally. I still can't, although i dodge through those notions in way or another to get ahead and not get stuck. Learn what i have to learn and keep on looking.
It's obvious for me that soul mates exist anyway, and not because of how intensely a relationship may be felt, but at a more simple level, you sometimes get someone, and that person gets you, and that's it, there's no Disney nor Chick flick bs happily ever after involved, there are soul mates who are divorced, there are also some who hate each other's guts and also the lucky ones who live happily... i'm prone to wishful thinking though, but i'm far from deluded, i've seen that thing in others, and experienced somehow, and is deep and it stays. It shows itself in a second, like a glimpse in others, a detail that you make to show something deep that you wouldn't for anyone else. It's weird because it arouses pretty fucked up reactions too. The ability for someone to handle this depends entirely on them, rather than love, or the whole concept of soul mates.

Maybe i'm taking a different perspective on this.

Maybe being an ISFP, duh...
 
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For me "the one," which there could be several of considering how large the world is, would be someone who has similar values and lifestyle and who wants to learn, grow, and change together.
 
Rather that the idea of The One being mythical or fabricated, I'm taking the perspective that says that they are simplified.

As in, someone looks at a particular couple in either one state, or God bless, two or all of them :

*) long, faithful, fulfilling relationship,
*) intense, burning, HOT attraction
*) mutual, all-consuming, strong chemistry;
*) supportive, beneficial, constructive connection

And they see how effortless and beautiful and loving their relationship is, they took the wrong idea and thinking that it's magic, as opposed of a science of some sort.

All of these are true and all of these exist.
But.....
A particular state in one particular time =/= forever ever after. Things change and end and evolve and gets repaired and withers.
All these require work. Compromise, growth, and sometimes even at the cost of something else.

Add the idea of these being ideals, and....it's a very understandable ideal to have.
 
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There is an add for SingleMuslim.com on this site.
I find that hilarious given the amount of jingoism on these forums these days!
 
The mythical one will be you when there is love to be had.
And when that love is extinguished, the one will be who I am running to, and in turn, my excuse running from you.

-Devil's advocate.
 
Not to be a downer of sorts but as we are all humans and physical beings, love and other emotions are contrived within our minds. They are not mythical or magical but neither are they necessarily rational. Romantic love; the gitty, butterflies in the stomach love that we all experience during the honeymoon phase, inevitably fades and we don’t always know why or for whom that little bug will creep on us. From what I hear from piers and the media and books, people are understandably obsessed with this stage. They often believe that when they find the right person, that feeling will never ebb and flow, will never fade and they will continue on in bliss for eternity.

I do not fault anyone for desiring this because who wouldn’t but I argue; and I have no real basis for this argument beyond my own life experience, it is but one stage and not always the most gratifying stage of relationships. In our youthful desire for, “the one” we lose sight of tomorrow and obsess over today. We follow our hearts and go with what feels right often times ignoring fatal and obvious flaws in relationships. Insecurities from our youth are played out and we constantly seek to heal old wounds with new partners whilst partners do the same with us. In simple, the perfect person for us right now is not necessarily the perfect person for us tomorrow let alone 5 to 10 years down the road.

In a way how would we even know we have found, “the one”? We would have to be pretty good at predicting the future and the needs and evolution of our future selves. The principle of the one then requires for the person we find to evolve with us at the same speed as us and in exactly the way we need. From that perspective, it can be a rather selfish desire for love and relationships. Now having said all of this, I probably sound like I hate romantic love but I don’t. I think the chasing of and exploration of romantic love and “the one” is an important growing tool. It forces us to address our insecurities and how they interact within our relationships.

We test our love languages and find what are our actual wants and needs are. We figure out what we value and what we can and can’t live without. What I feel is the hallmark of two mature lovers is an appreciation for romantic love. They do not have cynicism for it but a deep appreciation for how fleeting it can be and throughout the relationship they grow to appreciate the way their partner evolves and vice versa. They are always and constantly communicating their changing wants, desire and needs while simultaneously listening to their partners. It isn’t a battle but a dance.

To summarize, relationships and love are not an end goal. They are not something achieved but something built, sustained and maintained. They require upkeep and even those going in with the best of intentions can fail. Unlike others though, I don’t see that failure as a failure but another chapter in our growth. It can only be a failure if the perspective on relationships is that the only ones that have value and have succeeded are ones that lasted, “until death do us apart”. I can see even short relationships as a success if growth happened. If we can walk away from them, not pointing fingers as to why they failed but instead taking responsibility for how our own immaturities and insecurities might have played their part. Extreme cases like abuse withstanding.
 
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“The One” or “Soul Mates”, as concepts are not inherently good or inherently bad. Its just a concept. Peoples interpretations and actions are where the fallacies or truths are found.

The concepts success or failure depends greatly on the choice of love. The effort put into relationships to keep them alive and finding the middle ground between two different people. You choose love, choose to make it last. You find someone that is uncommonly good match for you then make a commitment to keeping that feeling alive and to be accommodating and to change as your partner changes. Without the effort from both sides most relationships that begin at "soul mate" level eventually dissipate. The evil underbelly of those concepts is the implied meaning, that there is perfection and no need for effort if you find "the one". That may be true in some exceedingly rare cases, but it is a setup for failure to have relationships where one or both parties have an idealized idea of perfect and through some circular thinking...if effort and work is required then that implies things are not perfect and thus they are not really "the one", because being with your soul mate is perfection and needing to put effort into it means it is not perfect. Happens way too often with people falling out of love due to boredom then chasing the next new exciting thing or continuing on with life in the loveless relationship.

RE: Disney. I'm always left wondering at the end, "and then?". The idealized image of love where typically one party goes through effort and trouble to win over the other, some huge plot drama so they can 'prove' their love, eventual success, beautiful wedding, happily ever after, the end. And then? It implies all of the effort is in the acquisition, usually from one side, then magic happens and life is perfect without any effort. If applied to real life it ends in unhappiness after the magic of the romance/infatuation wears off. They are just entertaining stories until they are believed and it becomes a requirement for life to be like them. I like watching Disney like movies, they are happy. Just can't base real life on the movies as real life is usually boring enough that nobody wants to watch it on TV for entertainment.

I believe in the concept of soul mates, that there are people that there is a strong attraction and connection on all levels. But I also believe in the necessity of the effort required to live a long and happy life with your soul mate. In many ways, a soul mate is made just as much as they are found. A soul mate is someone wants to work equally with you to make a life filled with love happen.
 
This is what my soulmate will think of me:

"He's a hard worker and a good little money maker. He's also pretty easy to get along with, and I know he won't fuck around on me. So I have to take care of him properly and not mess up his trust, because he is quite a reasonable investment, and I want someone to keep my sheets clean when I'm dying."

He will also be cute :)
 
My root chakra wants a harem. My crown chakra wants a soul mate. My heart chakra is confused. The future is still undetermined.
 
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ImaginaryBloke said:
My root chakra wants a harem. My crown chakra wants a soul mate. My heart chakra is confused. The future is still undetermined.
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That made me laugh out loud. Very well said. And I definitely agree. 90% of males are probably like that.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
Sounds like "the one" is the meeting point between ideal and reality. Either a perfect human, or at least a perfect actor.
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That neatly captures the totality of the complexity.
 
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