“The One” or “Soul Mates”

[jimtaylor]

I believe the notion of the one is a myth and fairytale. A manifestation of idealism created to combat the reality of how difficult relationships can be. I also believe it is one of our biggest stumbling blocks that prevent us from finding meaningful and powerful relationships full of sincere understanding, commitment and growth. I have noticed that within myself and others, when a relationship doesn’t work out, we have a tendency to cope by saying, “I haven’t found the one”.

Part of why I believe it is a myth and the wrong thing we should look for is because we are not static beings. We are ever evolving which means the perfect person for us at 20, might not be the perfect person for us at 30, 40, 50, etc… We also grow at different speeds within relationships meaning that compatibility is very important but I think communication is a greater opportunity for happiness. If we cannot communicate our ever changing and growing needs, we will be doomed to having to find a new “one” every few years or so when our needs, wants and desires inevitably evolve.

Of course, this is not to say that we aren’t more compatible with certain individuals but that compatibility is just one piece of the puzzle and without communication, it is not likely to succeed. This is all my take on this but I was curious as to what people here think?

 

[Skarekrow]

There are lots of “the one” out there.
Statistically alone, you take the number of women in the world - around 3.52 billion.
Okay narrow it down to your city or town…let’s give it a nice size at around 700,000 people, roughly half of which are women.
Now take that number and how many are single and meet your parameters of attractiveness (supposedly mutual) and you still have a damn good chance just in the city you live of finding someone else attractive ( and I don’t mean in a shallow sense either ).
It is possible to find someone else more attractive than the rest, most of that has to do with personality than looks of course, but don’t discount looks either.

And it is possible to find someone who feels similarly about you, that no one could ever replace that person.
Out of all those people there may be one that is your ideal person, and maybe there is no such thing, but it is a statistical probability.
I believe there can be “soul mates” per say, but that doesn’t necessarily limit it to one person.
It’s like the INFJ forum…full of INFJs and yet they are all so different in so many ways.
Surely the uniqueness of someone is especially unique to another unique person who think so?

 

[Misadventure]

I think we're raised with this notion that we're supposed to meet "the one", get married, and pop out babies. In our teens and 20's we romanticize about our happily ever afters. Those of us in our 30's and beyond know damned well life doesn't work out that way. When we grow up, we put childish things away, right? Including romanticized ideals about true love. Most young adults still adhere to the fairy tale, and those who have either lived or learnt are starting to be more realistic when it comes to love. Which is why no one could pay me to go back to the blind idealistic naivety of my 20's.

 

[endersgone]

I don't mean to mock other people's beliefs, but I've always thought of the whole "soul mate" thing as a heavily idealized/romanticized notion (that logically couldn't exist).

 

[JJJA]

It's a heavily romanticized and narrow belief to think that there is only one person that is perfectly compatible with you in every way. However, I also think that if two people are perfect for each other, then there is no reason to think it will inevitably end; which is also just as narrow-minded.

 

[Misadventure]

It's a heavily romanticized and narrow belief to think that there is only one person that is perfectly compatible with you in every way. However, I also think that if two people are perfect for each other, then there is no reason to think it will inevitably end; which is also just as narrow-minded.

I agree. There are people out there perfect for each other. But how many people did they have to go through to get there? As the OP stated, we are ever evolving and whomever is perfect for someone as they are at this very moment may not be perfect for them a year or a decade from now. That's just reality.

 

[Free]

Ugh... soul mates... blech.

Just going to take an excerpt from an old post...

... Having put some mileage on and gained some wisdom through my life's experiences throughout the years, I have to say that I no longer believe in soulmates.

I do believe, however, that we are all capable of connecting with another human being in ways that completely transcend our physical worlds, time and distance, that will ultimately fill the holes in our hearts and make us whole. If this is someone's definition of a soulmate, then I believe it's possible there isn't just one, but many that are capable of filling this role. The only obstacle is one's self, and being able to demolish barriers that we all put up around us to protect ourselves and our strange little inner worlds that we are so fearful of others knowing.

This subject often comes up for us because no matter how rational and logical we want to be, finding love is still the ultimate goal for many an idealist and even for non-idealists. Do I believe in soul mates? HELL NO. But I do believe in love. And if I am lucky enough to fall in love once, thrice, or never again, I will always believe that there is someone out there for everyone to share our weird little lives with. For some the search will be a long road, for the lucky few, they have already found it. And my advice to them would be this: Yes we are constantly evolving and growing as individuals. Love can only be a permanent thing if two people make a commitment to grow and evolve as individuals in tandem with one another, and hold true to that. Love and relationships take work. Lots of it. The only romanticized version of love is one that exists without blood, sweat, and tears.

 

[Misadventure]

The only romanticized version of love is one that exists without blood, sweat, and tears.

Preach it sister!

 

[Scientia]

Part of why I believe it is a myth and the wrong thing we should look for is because we are not static beings. We are ever evolving which means the perfect person for us at 20, might not be the perfect person for us at 30, 40, 50, etc… We also grow at different speeds within relationships meaning that compatibility is very important but I think communication is a greater opportunity for happiness.

This is close to what I think. If we find someone who is compatible and has that spark, it's great. Unfortunately, we grow and change. It's what we strive to do. If your partner is stagnant and does not grow with you, no amount of communication will be able to change that. The key for happiness, according to me, the wisdom lady, is to find a person who fits your needs and desires but who is also able to grow. It's amazing how many people don't self-reflect and are unable to see themselves and are not open to change.

 

[Free]

This is close to what I think. If we find someone who is compatible and has that spark, it's great. Unfortunately, we grow and change. It's what we strive to do. If your partner is stagnant and does not grow with you, no amount of communication will be able to change that. The key for happiness, according to me, the wisdom lady, is to find a person who fits your needs and desires but who is also able to grow. It's amazing how many people don't self-reflect and are unable to see themselves and are not open to change.

The Wisdom Lady speaks much truth.

 

[Xroads]

[MENTION=13729]Free[/MENTION] and [MENTION=12050]Scientia[/MENTION] nailed it for me. Nothing more to add, they both stated it perfectly.

 

[Elegant Winter]

Marine Le Pen is my soul-mate.

 

[JJJA]

Marine Le Pen is my soul-mate.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Maybe all it was ever intended to do was to keep you seeing a falicy in having sex with anyone willing. Or at least seeing that there could be something more.
But then we refined and concentrated it into these impossible love stories through media. Kind of like believing we could be these impossible things like a spy you cant kill.

 

[Misadventure]

Maybe all it was ever intended to do was to keep you seeing a falicy in having sex with anyone willing. Or at least seeing that there could be something more.
But then we refined and concentrated it into these impossible love stories through media. Kind of like believing we could be these impossible things like a spy you cant kill.

The perfect INTJ response. hehe. When it comes down to it, it all just is a chemical process in the brain. But, even intj's are guilty of the irrationality that is love.

 

[JJJA]

Am I the only person detecting a hint of cynicism in this thread?

 

[Misadventure]

Heartbreak breeds cynics lol. Of all who have posted, most being beyond the idealistic years, I doubt one has never suffered from a broken relationship with whom they thought of as "the one" at one time or another. Just saying. It's just proof that, as many keep saying, there is no such thing as "the one", just the right one at the right time of life.

 

[JJJA]

Heartbreak breeds cynics lol. Of all who have posted, most being beyond the idealistic years, I doubt one has never suffered from a broken relationship with whom they thought of as "the one" at one time or another. Just saying. It's just proof that, as many keep saying, there is no such thing as "the one", just the right one at the right time of life.

The point I am attempting to get across is that I am trying not to allow my heartbreak to create a cynical attitude toward other people. Granted, I do mistrust many people based on a few factors, but as long as those two people allow each other to grow and change, such changes make seek to benefit each other. I think cynicism is a phase-type attitude, and is not something that you live with until your last breath, unless you completely disregard optimism and choose to live life as a pessimist. I also don't think that age reduces idealism if you gain wisdom along the way. Usually, most people disregard the idealistic version of themselves at a later stage in life because they have already found personal security and happiness, but others just want something more than a dollar.

 

[Misadventure]

The point I am attempting to get across is that I am trying not to allow my heartbreak to create a cynical attitude toward other people. Granted, I do mistrust many people based on a few factors, but as long as those two people allow each other to grow and change, such changes make seek to benefit each other. I think cynicism is a phase-type attitude, and is not something that you live with until your last breath, unless you completely disregard optimism and choose to live life as a pessimist.

And I think that point was made. I don't think we're being pessimistic, just realistic. If we decided to live our lives filled with pessimism, then none of us would have found love again. Yet, a majority of us all have. And I agree, it is a phase. It goes away when you pick up the pieces and start again. Heartbreak breeds cynicism, but it also teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves and others.

 

[JJJA]

And I think that point was made. I don't think we're being pessimistic, just realistic. If we decided to live our lives filled with pessimism, then none of us would have found love again. Yet, a majority of us all have. And I agree, it is a phase. It goes away when you pick up the pieces and start again. Heartbreak breeds cynicism, but it also teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves and others.

I never implied anyone on this thread were pessimistic. Just posting with a hint of cynicism (which is never a bad thing until it overtakes one's ability to understand personalities).