The modern dating scene?

[petir]

Single gay male INFJ here. Just moved to a new city over a year ago. Still do not have a friend I can hang out with on a constant basis and am desperately looking for one.

I’ve been hanging out with this fellow gay guy (we met through instagram dm) who has been with his partner for one year.. The first time we met he told me he straight up told me he got a bf and I thought it was weird that we hung out but he said he just moved to the city and looking for friends too so I went with it.

So we started hanging out and everything was great..until last night he started flirting with me. It was just a casual banter thing and I guess he was in the moment but something about it really gets in to me..

Something about messing with someone else’s boyfriend.. I know where my boundaries are and I made sure he knows about it. Makes me depressed thinking about the gay culture.. are we bound to give love more freely than straight couples? Seems like as people are getting more educated on contemporary relationships (open etc) more people are resorting towards that and i see a lot of people on open relationship on the dating apps.

Puts me into a grim mood all day. What are your thoughts on the gay dating scene?

 

[Faye]

Unless his boyfriend had consented to a poly or open relationship, he is cheating (or trying to). I do not see any issue with people deciding to be polyamorous or open, but it is something that requires everyone be informed and in agreement. Its important to keep that in mind so as not to conflate cheating with being poly or open, which I see often.

Personally, I have no issue with polyamory, but I would not want to be open due to the risk of STDs. I have also noticed that there is some overlap between poly people and swingers in the queer dating scene where I live, which is also a huge no for me. At least prophylaxis exists, but how many people even know about or use it?

 

[Asa]

@Jonah Caan wrote a post about making friends recently, too.


My perspective is that flirting isn't cheating. Some people just communicate that way, or compliment others that way.
Your reaction to it that tells me the flirting went too far.
(I'm a straight woman, though.)

 

[Infjente]

I'm under the impression that men in general are more hesitant to commit than women. So maybe male couples in general are more open to the idea of an open relationship/poly, than male-female or female-female couples are?

 

[petir]

I'm under the impression that men in general are more hesitant to commit than women. So maybe male couples in general are more open to the idea of an open relationship/poly, than male-female or female-female couples are?

This! I would argue that this does not stem from commitment issues but due to the exposure of numerous options one can get from dating apps.

@Faye yes. prep is the only good thing gay influencers are advocating imho. open relationships and all that just becomes an excuse for people to overindulge. Am I too close minded? maybe.. That is not to say all traditional relationships are perfect either..

@Asa I was just thinking.. If someone who communicates that way towards someone how easy would that be for the person to actually cheat? if I say, respond to the cues and say, kiss him or be more touchy.. Boom.

 

[Asa]

@Asa I was just thinking.. If someone who communicates that way towards someone how easy would that be for the person to actually cheat? if I say, respond to the cues and say, kiss him or be more touchy.. Boom.

It depends on the type of flirting. It also depends on the culture. I can tell by your reaction that it was not harmless, though. Also, if any behavior bothers you, it is your right not to put up with it.

 

[Jonah Caan]

Single gay male INFJ here. Just moved to a new city over a year ago. Still do not have a friend I can hang out with on a constant basis and am desperately looking for one.

I’ve been hanging out with this fellow gay guy (we met through instagram dm) who has been with his partner for one year.. The first time we met he told me he straight up told me he got a bf and I thought it was weird that we hung out but he said he just moved to the city and looking for friends too so I went with it.

So we started hanging out and everything was great..until last night he started flirting with me. It was just a casual banter thing and I guess he was in the moment but something about it really gets in to me..

Something about messing with someone else’s boyfriend.. I know where my boundaries are and I made sure he knows about it. Makes me depressed thinking about the gay culture.. are we bound to give love more freely than straight couples? Seems like as people are getting more educated on contemporary relationships (open etc) more people are resorting towards that and i see a lot of people on open relationship on the dating apps.

Puts me into a grim mood all day. What are your thoughts on the gay dating scene?

Hey man,

One of the lessons I've learnt in life is to always listen to my intuition. If you feel uncomfortable about it, it may just be your intuition telling you something's not quite adding up about this guy.

In regards to what you say about being bound to give love more freely, I feel like what you're describing is more lust, 'fun' and limerence rather than love. Am I right in thinking this?

From my personal experience of the 'gay culture', I've seen that many gay (and most bisexual) guys suffer from anxiety, depression and insecurities which have stemmed from childhood, whether through the stigmas surrounding being gay, confusion and/or being 'whipped' into being straight by family and society. I have seen this finding echoed through research.

The above result in many having unhealthy attachment styles and fear of rejection, the root of which is loneliness. This then presents itself as flirting of this kind and being quick to form a bond in order to experience that longing of intimacy.

But love cannot be rushed or forced of course and it's very rare. The numbers are against us; the chances of (as a man) finding a man that you fall in love with (and he feels exactly the same) are rare due to there being so many fewer gay/bisexual men than straight. It's just how it is I guess.

Also nowadays I've found (in my experience with both men and women) that many people are looking for instant gratification; not many are wiling to put the effort into building a proper relationship. It's more about their needs rather than being there for someone else. I'm waffling now, sorry haha.

It can get awfully lonely and depressing; it's just something I am learning to accept. I myself right now as Asa pointed out am looking for such a friend.

I wish you well and hope you find the friend you are looking; bless you man. I'm here if you want to talk.

@Asa, it's really nice that you remembered my post when I had forgotten about it myself I hope you're well and life is treating you kindly x

 

[Pin]

I think abstinence and waiting until marriage is the best policy. It's not easy but it's going to be worth it when you end up with someone you love and don't have emotional baggage from a promiscuous past. The love will be more meaningful because you worked for it and made the necessary sacrifices to achieve it.

 

[biwaly]

Are you really sure he was flirting?

I had a gay friend, what I can write about how he acts is; he wasn't really flirting but if you don't pay attention to how/why he acts the way he acts, you could easily misunderstand as he is flirting but in reality it's his own way to be friendly. In today's standards and for my culture, unfortunately the way he acts indeed seems flirting. I suspect he is ESFJ type 4 sx therefore it makes sense why he is so touchy-feely. I knew other gay men, they weren't that friendly at all, in fact you wouldn't even think they are gay. It really depends on the individual and in my experience, sexual preference has no affect.

Flirting behavior may unintentionally happens and it's normal. My female friends sometimes unintentionally flirting with me when we are having fun because they are in the flow at the moment. There was actually an unfortunate event that happened between one of my female friend that has a boyfriend. Thanks to possibilities we stopped it before it becomes a thing (you know) and no one saw it therefore we were able to hid what happened after I'm ashamed therefore unable to say a word and she said sorry thereafter she ran away LOL.

Sometimes females mistake my action for flirting but in reality I'm demisexual and demisexual means; I can't think females in a sexual way even if I try hard to therefore I really can't be flirty unless I formed a deep friendship with them and I really love their personality. I try to explain this to my female friends but unfortunately some of them think I'm trolling and my intent is definitely flirting. Yeah, they are one of those Sherlock Holmes wannabes.

There is actually a very thin line between being friendly and flirting, some people can't balance it, some people can't distinguish between the two.

Maybe he was indeed being flirty but perhaps he wants to break up with his current partner. If so it's normal and okay for me. I mean, some people don't want to be alone after they break up/divorce therefore they first ensure they have a backup lover then they break up/divorce.

Maybe you should change your mind about dating stuff. I really don't prefer contemporary relationship because I see no point but I can't deny the fact that it gives people the freedom to have more than one relationship and decide between alternatives. Especially contemporary relationships are good for me because I'm demisexual therefore people don't want to wait for my input on if I really love them or not for years and I don't want to spend my years to find out if I really love them either.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Flirting behavior may unintentionally happens and it's normal. My female friends sometimes unintentionally flirting with me when we are having fun because they are in the flow at the moment. There was actually an unfortunate event that happened between one of my female friend that has a boyfriend. Thanks to possibilities we stopped it before it becomes a thing (you know) and no one saw it therefore we were able to hid what happened after I'm ashamed therefore unable to say a word and she said sorry thereafter she ran away LOL.

LOL 'It wuz a accident!'

I have been blind drunk, and still managed to dodge a kiss from my attached friend. No excuses, I'm sorry people.

People need to grow the fuck up.

 

[biwaly]

I have been blind drunk, and still managed to dodge a kiss from my attached friend. No excuses, I'm sorry people.

You must be a jedi master LOL.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

You must be a jedi master LOL.

No. You don't have to be a Jedi Master to maintain these boundaries.

You and that girl kissed (or whatever you did) because you wanted to, that's the whole story. There's no such thing as 'a oopsie!' in this context, and I don't think we should pretend that these mistakes are easy to make, hard to prevent, or forgivable, because they aren't. You aren't fucking five. When it happens, you've made a fully conscious choice to cheat and then sneak around hiding it.

And Jesus Christ, you should be more concerned with your sense of integrity.

I'm not having a go at you specifically, biwaly, but this kind of juvenilising nonsense really makes my eyes roll.

 

[Infjente]

No. You don't have to be a Jedi Master to maintain these boundaries.

You and that girl kissed (or whatever you did) because you wanted to, that's the whole story. There's no such thing as 'a oopsie!' in this context, and I don't think we should pretend that these mistakes are easy to make, hard to prevent, or forgivable, because they aren't. You aren't fucking five. When it happens, you've made a fully conscious choice to cheat and then sneak around hiding it.

And Jesus Christ, you should be more concerned with your sense of integrity.

I'm not having a go at you specifically, biwaly, but this kind of juvenilising nonsense really makes my eyes roll.

Spread the word!

 

[biwaly]

No. You don't have to be a Jedi Master to maintain these boundaries.

You and that girl kissed (or whatever you did) because you wanted to, that's the whole story. There's no such thing as 'a oopsie!' in this context, and I don't think we should pretend that these mistakes are easy to make, hard to prevent, or forgivable, because they aren't. You aren't fucking five. When it happens, you've made a fully conscious choice to cheat and then sneak around hiding it.

And Jesus Christ, you should be more concerned with your sense of integrity.

I'm not having a go at you specifically, biwaly, but this kind of juvenilising nonsense really makes my eyes roll.

Well I suppose I should make some things clear:

We didn't kiss, she made the move and I held her to prevent her so kissing didn't happen. What I mean by "stopping" was actually stopping the action that leads to having sex.

We were 13 at the moment.

She wanted, I didn't.

About integrity; thanks mom. I really needed that lecture LOL. Your words will be more helpful if you somehow travel back in time and tell these to my teen self LOL.

Sincerely, I think you are right but sometimes shit happens ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I'm no white knight but being demisexual actually means I don't seek those stuff because it's disgusting to me unless I don't love that person so don't worry about integrity about this subject.

 

[petir]

Also nowadays I've found (in my experience with both men and women) that many people are looking for instant gratification; not many are wiling to put the effort into building a proper relationship. It's more about their needs rather than being there for someone else. I'm waffling now, sorry haha.

This is exactly the reason why I created this post. I want to say it is because of them and not us but I know we take it into ourselves when things do not go as planned.

I think abstinence and waiting until marriage is the best policy. It's not easy but it's going to be worth it when you end up with someone you love and don't have emotional baggage from a promiscuous past. The love will be more meaningful because you worked for it and made the necessary sacrifices to achieve it.

Yes. Now to just find someone that is willing to go through the whole steps with us in this modern world.... Sounds impossible, almost

No. You don't have to be a Jedi Master to maintain these boundaries.

Preach!

 

[Pin]

Yes. Now to just find someone that is willing to go through the whole steps with us in this modern world.... Sounds impossible, almost

Come on.

It's hard but worthwhile things don't often come easily. You'll probably have to be single for some time.

If you improve yourself, get healthier and wealthier, a person who is right for you will probably take notice. You're responsible for your own happiness.

Be someone worth committing to.

 

[JennyDaniella]

LOL 'It wuz a accident!'

I have been blind drunk, and still managed to dodge a kiss from my attached friend. No excuses, I'm sorry people.

People need to grow the fuck up.

No. You don't have to be a Jedi Master to maintain these boundaries.

You and that girl kissed (or whatever you did) because you wanted to, that's the whole story. There's no such thing as 'a oopsie!' in this context, and I don't think we should pretend that these mistakes are easy to make, hard to prevent, or forgivable, because they aren't. You aren't fucking five. When it happens, you've made a fully conscious choice to cheat and then sneak around hiding it.

And Jesus Christ, you should be more concerned with your sense of integrity.

I'm not having a go at you specifically, biwaly, but this kind of juvenilising nonsense really makes my eyes roll.

YES. I second this.

I find it pathetic how people try to justify their cheating actions and blame it to some external circumstance other than their own behavior. "Oh it was the alcohol!", or "Oh, me and my girlfriend or boyfriend had this huge fight!"

Like fucking really??...

1.) Even when I am drunk as shit, I still have some sense of control and moral reasoning. You don't suddenly magically end up under or over someone if there wasn't a sense of willingness or hinting of wanting to cheat in the first place.

2.) If there are problems within the relationship, break up with the person before thinking about cheating behind their back. Why is this such a difficult notion for some individuals to comprehend?

 

[Pin]

YES. I second this.

I find it pathetic how people try to justify their cheating actions and blame it to some external circumstance other than their own behavior. "Oh it was the alcohol!", or "Oh, me and my girlfriend or boyfriend had this huge fight!"

Like fucking really??...

 

[Pin]

@petir

I think that the behavior you're referencing is a normal feature of our times. It's one thing to be open and frank about sex and another to be promiscuous.

Modern people generally do have little respect for themselves, especially men in my experience.

 

[Jonah Caan]

2.) If there are problems within the relationship, break up with the person before thinking about cheating behind their back. Why is this such a difficult notion for some individuals to comprehend?

I've never drank so can't really say much about that. But in regards to why many cheat behind their partner's back is because they're afraid to be alone and/or don't have the guts to end their current relationship.

They no longer want to be in their current relationship (mostly because the honeymoon period is over) but at the same time don't want to be alone. They want to have someone lined up before breaking off their current relationship. They're too cowardly to even do that properly. So at the core, it's mere selfishness and cowardice.

Could someone please remind me why I love people so much