http://www.forastateofhappiness.com/tag/50-10-40-formula/
Turns out I actually had two of the numbers mixed up. It's 50 genetics and 40 choice, but I guess if you try hard enough to get better circumstances you can come out even? XD
The Miserable INFJ
- Thread starter Faye
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http://www.forastateofhappiness.com/tag/50-10-40-formula/
Turns out I actually had two of the numbers mixed up. It's 50 genetics and 40 choice, but I guess if you try hard enough to get better circumstances you can come out even? XD
- Sep 28, 2008
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I know for a fact I won the genetics lottery for happiness
I lost the genetics lottery. But that's okay, I'll make my own happiness.
Or I'll just genetically engineer it.
Either way, thanks for the link Jeffrei
no but i do think that we give ourselves a harder time than other times for being inauthentic
I think the more we can align our outer lives with our inner lives the more authentic we will be and the more at peace with ourselves we can be
that doesn't mean we will be happy about the state of the world but it means we can at least be happy with the state of ourselves
Imo this requires giving less of a fuck about what people think of you so that you don't constantly mould yourself to fit their expectations of you. This may put you at odds with some people but it will make you feel more at peace with yourself and it may even result in you finding people who are more in alignment with yourself
How To Be Authentic - Teal Swan -
The quote you shared really relates to me. I always feel like my suffering will never end, but I know that I will come out victorious in the end -- I have to. It's just the road there is so terrible and long, sometimes I almost lose hope, but I can never actually lose hope.
Hmm, personally I think being miserable can be beneficial at times. As in if a person goes through hell then they’ll learn something from it. It could be lessons learned to not repeat or repeat it in a self-destructive manner only to truly grasp something they want.
For me it was online dating. Just doing it on and off again for years now. Which was really miserable and depressing, but after a few dates I knew what I wanted and didn’t when looking for qualities in a person.
Although, I can say I still don’t want to give up on finding and connecting with someone.
For me it was online dating. Just doing it on and off again for years now. Which was really miserable and depressing, but after a few dates I knew what I wanted and didn’t when looking for qualities in a person.
Although, I can say I still don’t want to give up on finding and connecting with someone.
- Sep 28, 2008
- 41,248
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Dating in some capacity is a pretty essential hell lol
I think virtually no one is doomed to unhappiness, and certainly not by anything as arbitrary as type.
With that said I would like to say that I think a lot of it has to do with expectation for the more introverted types. Not so much that they set too high standards, but that I don't think they quite hit the mark. Figure out what you like in the relationship, not just some idealized narrative.
I guess this was started a long time ago, but anyway
I have a streamlined response to this: in my experience, the difficulty isn't seeking perfection, it is actually the connection part. To explain: if your desire is a person who is maximally likely to be accepting, caring, and never mean, I believe that exists.
But the reason that exists is it is pretty simple. Almost anyone can understand that you might not want to be harmed. And frankly, not everyone feels any draw to harming you -- it's not some giant striving for perfection that leads to this, it's just natural for some (if you yourself are also harmless, especially).
OTOH, this idea of connection is a positive, not just negative, concept -- I tend to find this gets very complicated, i.e. people never know if they've found what they're looking for, etc etc.
My personal preference is to deflate the whole difficulty of connection by essentially reducing it to intellectual understanding -- that is, if you want me to understand you, then philosophically motivate what leads you to seek what you seek, and I think even if I COMPLETELY emotionally don't find myself into the same thing (likewise, I survive just fine if nobody but myself is into my philosophical interests, nor do I find I get some extra thing out of someone who has those interests, beyond a potential for ideas I didn't think of...but I have an academic community for that writing papers, no need to have it in personal life), I can still understand in the same sense I understand why someone may like a different flavor of ice cream, without liking it myself.
I may still want them to have their favorite flavor of ice cream to see them happy.
When it comes to the emotional side, I keep it simple/I just essentially keep it about simple but very genuine caring.
What this effectively is based on is the idea that we should be able to understand anyone/there should be no fundamental barrier. Kind of a rationality-oriented optimism combined with emotional caring.
I generally lean toward the idea that this is sort of all there is, that the idea there's something more difficult, complex, enigmatic etc about finding someone who 'gets you' makes understanding too elusive, and I'm not sure such understanding is real understanding anyway.
Now, I sympathize with people who feel misunderstood and hardly knock on them for doing so, but what I suggest is the solution is not in the direction of seeking that elusive special someone who just magically gets it, but rather treating it like a problem of explanation, so you can make your psychology plain to most any clear-thinking party (heck you may find out you clear up cobwebs in your OWN understanding of yourself). And if they're not nasty people, they'll probably respect your nature/wish for your happiness.
I have a streamlined response to this: in my experience, the difficulty isn't seeking perfection, it is actually the connection part. To explain: if your desire is a person who is maximally likely to be accepting, caring, and never mean, I believe that exists.
But the reason that exists is it is pretty simple. Almost anyone can understand that you might not want to be harmed. And frankly, not everyone feels any draw to harming you -- it's not some giant striving for perfection that leads to this, it's just natural for some (if you yourself are also harmless, especially).
OTOH, this idea of connection is a positive, not just negative, concept -- I tend to find this gets very complicated, i.e. people never know if they've found what they're looking for, etc etc.
My personal preference is to deflate the whole difficulty of connection by essentially reducing it to intellectual understanding -- that is, if you want me to understand you, then philosophically motivate what leads you to seek what you seek, and I think even if I COMPLETELY emotionally don't find myself into the same thing (likewise, I survive just fine if nobody but myself is into my philosophical interests, nor do I find I get some extra thing out of someone who has those interests, beyond a potential for ideas I didn't think of...but I have an academic community for that writing papers, no need to have it in personal life), I can still understand in the same sense I understand why someone may like a different flavor of ice cream, without liking it myself.
I may still want them to have their favorite flavor of ice cream to see them happy.
When it comes to the emotional side, I keep it simple/I just essentially keep it about simple but very genuine caring.
What this effectively is based on is the idea that we should be able to understand anyone/there should be no fundamental barrier. Kind of a rationality-oriented optimism combined with emotional caring.
I generally lean toward the idea that this is sort of all there is, that the idea there's something more difficult, complex, enigmatic etc about finding someone who 'gets you' makes understanding too elusive, and I'm not sure such understanding is real understanding anyway.
Now, I sympathize with people who feel misunderstood and hardly knock on them for doing so, but what I suggest is the solution is not in the direction of seeking that elusive special someone who just magically gets it, but rather treating it like a problem of explanation, so you can make your psychology plain to most any clear-thinking party (heck you may find out you clear up cobwebs in your OWN understanding of yourself). And if they're not nasty people, they'll probably respect your nature/wish for your happiness.
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Also it should be said that I don't think this is compromising on the ideal but MORE ideal. I think it's less ideal if anything if a huge majority of humanity somehow cannot understand you enough, no matter how deeply, conceptually, psychologically you motivate your nature to them, and love you for you (I do believe loving someone for them necessarily entails knowing what the person is, so the understanding is pretty important).
Hi how are you i personaly have my wife as the person to open up. The problem is that with the time the relationship became toxic and abusive, she mistreated me, humiliated me In front others and no matter what I did never seems to be enough for her. First I I tried to do my best to please her and I discarded the bad things, but then suddenly I snap I couldn't take it anymore. Now I feel trap and I don't know what to do. I have a family I don't wanna lose but at the same time something inside me tell me to run. The sad thing is that I don't have anyone to go talk and vent it. I have trying to make new friends with whom I could open but this is going slowly and I no even close to trust them enough to tell this. In the top of that the confinement for the covid just makes things worse as my only scape was meditation far from everyone and running a lot. I guess I am training to vent something in this post in the shadows of anonymity.