The Miserable INFJ

[Faye]

Relationships are an essential part of happiness. INFJs have idealizard standards of love and wish to connect with their partners. I'm sure you have all read descriptions of INFJs in love.

INFJs are also the most likely to have marital dissatisfaction. High standards for a loving relationship inevitably mean high chances of dissatisfaction with that relationship.

I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will find a relationship that I will be happy with. Actually, I wonder whether I will ever be happy in general or not. The odds do not seem to be in my favor.

I've also read that INFJs need relationships and will sometimes be in one just to have one. That is open for discussion as well.

Do you think that we, as a type, are basically doomed to unhappiness?

 

[Saru Inc]

I'd say INFP over J for dissatisfaction

 

[invisible]

i think it's possible to come to terms with things being less than perfect. even perfect things become cloying. or there can be happiness as having different definitions. like as in 1 a consistently euphoric emotional state or 2 an adaptive and appreciative way of responding to circumstances, situations, whatever.

not sure that i will ever be happy in a relationship, i'm afraid i would probably want my partner to buzz off, but then if that's the way it is there's not much i can do about it.

 

[Siamese cat]

Relationships are an essential part of happiness. INFJs have idealizard standards of love and wish to connect with their partners. I'm sure you have all read descriptions of INFJs in love.

INFJs are also the most likely to have marital dissatisfaction. High standards for a loving relationship inevitably mean high chances of dissatisfaction with that relationship.

I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will find a relationship that I will be happy with. Actually, I wonder whether I will ever be happy in general or not. The odds do not seem to be in my favor.

I've also read that INFJs need relationships and will sometimes be in one just to have one. That is open for discussion as well.

Do you think that we, as a type, are basically doomed to unhappiness?

You know, almost every time I read some of your posts two particular quotes by one of my favourite authors come to mind, but I can't find it in English so that I can share it with you, instead I'll give you my own loose translation of them:

You will stumble, but you will not fall, and even if you, by some strange chance do fall, you will not be hurt, and as soon as you manage to get yourself up, you will carry on with your path peacefully. You are different than everything around you, everything threatens you and endangers you, but nothing really bad or beyond repair can't happen to you, because from the very beginning there is an indestructible and hidden spark of life hidden in you, which is more powerful than everything that surrounds you. So, while you are alive, until the very last breath you take, you will suffer for your unnatural position in the world in which you are thrown. It is safe to say that throughout your life there are two things guaranteed - long suffering and sure victory.

One who carries a great, true passion with them, is miserable and tortured more than a hundred other men, but is free from many petty cares and worries that torment most of other men during their lifetime and everyday.

So, to answer your question, I don't really think that we are doomed to be unhappy all our lifetime. I just think that we see ourselves as unhappy compared to others, especially to at first glance carefree SP types. Every person has it's own misery to cope with, and if you manage to find a way to live with it and cope with it you do have a chance for a happy life.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Every person has it's own misery to cope with, and if you manage to find a way to live with it and cope with it you do have a chance for a happy life.

I think this sums everything up quite nicely.

 

[88chaz88]

I just think that we see ourselves as unhappy compared to others, especially to at first glance carefree SP types. Every person has it's own misery to cope with, and if you manage to find a way to live with it and cope with it you do have a chance for a happy life.

+1.

I'm certainly no stranger to depression. Nor do I expect anyone else to be.

 

[DoveAlexa]

INFJs are also the most likely to have marital dissatisfaction. High standards for a loving relationship inevitably mean high chances of dissatisfaction with that relationship.

Everyone has control over their own unrealistic views. It may take a few relationships to scour your mind of whats not important and seeing new things you didn't know existed, but you can get there.
Also, no relationship is going to be perfect 100% of the time.

 

[~jet]

I certainly need/value a relationship, but I haven't found that I am particularly dissatisfied with any of them. If anything, I was dissatisfied with myself, and that probably wore on past exes somewhat. (well, if he's so convinced something is wrong with him, maybe there really is!) That sort of thing.

 

[~jet]

Everyone has control over their own unrealistic views. It may take a few relationships to scour your mind of whats not important and seeing new things you didn't know existed, but you can get there.
Also, no relationship is going to be perfect 100% of the time.

Right... panicking just cuz you or your partner has the occasional bad day is unfair to both you and your partner. Just learn what they need when it happens. Space? Closeness? Talking? Silence?

 

[randomsomeone]

I'm sure relationships are needed to be happy, but I'm not so sure A relationship is absolutely required.

 

[Free Mind]

We all have problems, but these problems can be overcome in 1 way of another.

Don't class yourself as an INFJ, class yourself as you, don't restrict yourself because of HOW you are, anyone can change. Just takes some willpower and determination to change the bad things to good.

 

[Trifoilum]

Agreed to all above.

There is happiness, and there is complete bliss. And no, complete bliss is impossible for everyone. but everyone's got a fair chance to be happy, because to be happy is a personal thing.

 

[54192&#cmy]

I can tell you that the dissatisfaction is not just in romantic relationships. Almost any relationship I have been in has been dis satisfying. So I see it as everyone has something that you will not like about them. It's really can you handle the things they do that annoy you and then love them for it?

 

[middle1]

I just think that we see ourselves as unhappy compared to others, especially to at first glance carefree SP types. Every person has it's own misery to cope with, and if you manage to find a way to live with it and cope with it you do have a chance for a happy life.

Absolutely agree. I'm always comparing my life to others who seem to have it made and these perfect relationships...but the older I get the quicker I realize that people suffer just as much as I do, they just handle things differently

 

[Happy Phantom]

Some reasons why.

 

[bonfire]

Relationships are an essential part of happiness. INFJs have idealizard standards of love and wish to connect with their partners. I'm sure you have all read descriptions of INFJs in love.

INFJs are also the most likely to have marital dissatisfaction. High standards for a loving relationship inevitably mean high chances of dissatisfaction with that relationship.

I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will find a relationship that I will be happy with. Actually, I wonder whether I will ever be happy in general or not. The odds do not seem to be in my favor.

I've also read that INFJs need relationships and will sometimes be in one just to have one. That is open for discussion as well.

Do you think that we, as a type, are basically doomed to unhappiness?

It did cross my mind once in a while. To be honest INFJs aren't built to be comfortable with what's common to the rest of the world, like casual dating. We're basically hopeless romantics, but we have super high standards in partnership (which sometimes we don't even realize it ourselves). It's rational why it's more likely for INFJs to have marital dissatisfaction. Although I personally don't think I'd be the INFJ who would be in any relationship just to have one.

But are we doomed to unhappiness? Well, I don't think that's necessary. Happiness depends on our perspectives; with Ni-Fe, INFJs tend to be idealists and exclusive in relationship, but as Ti-Se develops, we would be much more realistic and reasonable. One can be happy with or without partners, it depends on whether you're happy to be with yourself. Think about it, to be with someone who makes your life miserable will make you so lonely and isolated, and being lonely and sad when you're supposed to be loved is worse than being lonely and sad when you're single. So, never settle for less, but you should also be realistic and accepting to people's redeemable faulties. I think it probably takes a long time to learn and balance expectation vs. reality, and forgiving vs boundary setting. But never give up, guys. It's never too late to find your right one. Time is on our side as INFJs are the quintessential late-bloomers.

 

[Jeffrei]

Happiness is 10% circumstance, 40% genetics, and 50% choice. So worse case scenario... you can at least come out even.

 

[Ren]

Happiness is 10% circumstance, 40% genetics, and 50% choice.

That's interesting. Are those percentages based on your intuition of what they might be?

1/2 choice is a pretty good deal imo.

 

[Lady Jolanda]

Happiness is 10% circumstance, 40% genetics, and 50% choice. So worse case scenario... you can at least come out even.

Source please?

From experience, I've found that people continuously underestimate the influencing power of their environment.

 

[Icedream]

Source please?

From experience, I've found that people continuously underestimate the influencing power of their environment.

Yes, from what I've seen, most people are very similar. We all change depending on environment and situation.