[PAX] The INFJ Doorslam

[Littlelissa]

I've doorslammed two people so far. One is a coworker/ex roommate. He lied to me, and put me in a very uncomfortable situation with no apology and without asking me. He's basically dead to me, I give him only the faintest of acknowledgement to do my work.

Then other is my dad who left me a long time ago, and has tried to communicate with me online.

I reject talking to these people for the same reason. I don't want my easy going, friendly and forgiving nature to crop up in our conversations with all the pain they caused me. I know the minute I start talking I forget myself and want to be desperately liked and appreciated... Sometimes in self depreciating ways. So to keep from foregetting my real hurt I can't bring myself to even casually talk to them. I know exactly how a conversation would go, in completely self serving ways... And I would rather not deal with that when trying to work through real pain. It's easier to just jettison them From my life...

Understand where your coming from .

 

[Littlelissa]

Locking someone out is simply fearing what they can do when they are close. If you need to do that, so be it. But I think it's entirely possible to regard people as inert, and to be inert yourself. Once they get the picture that there is no more energy to be gained from you, they'll get it elsewhere.

Sometimes exactly why we do it.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

Sometimes exactly why we do it.

I said more than one thing, can you be more specific about why you do it?

 

[Littlelissa]

It's a way of managing the situation I guess. It's not necessarily an indefinite thing. I'm open to changes in dynamics. Sometimes there are various reasons, like you said, to make the situation inert. Maybe because your at an impasse and it's the best way. There could be countless reasons depending on the situation. Do I need to go on? Maybe you can answer the question from your view point?

 

[Sandie33]

In a lot of these situations - the doorslam occurs because the INFJ is afraid of confrontation. Not combative confrontation, but rather bringing up their hurt, whether actual or only perceived, could, in their mind, only worsen the situation.

Confrontations are difficult, often I don't want to hurt the offending party bc I feel it too. When I hurt them it hurts me. So many times I'll just disappear, avoiding contact all together.

 

[Littlelissa]

Confrontations are difficult, often I don't want to hurt the offending party bc I feel it too. When I hurt them it hurts me. So many times I'll just disappear, avoiding contact all together.

That's true, so I guess it's because there might not be another obvious better alternative.

 

[AmbivalentRogue]

I suppose every INFJ is different. I only doorslam when I absolutely have to. Only toxic people get a doorslam. Though I always try to make peaceful attempts and understand all perspectives. Unfortunately, some people are so cold and cruel that I have no choice but to cut them off. =(

 

[Aluni]

I door slammed a friend who broke 99% of plans we would make.
A friend who called to only talk about herself, would talk over me and tried to use me.
Now recently, two coworkers for negativity, gossiping, backstabbing and lying.
I feel in each case its for self-preservation. Well.... And to be perfectly honest slightly passive aggressive. I just feel if you cross that line you must not feel the way I do about our relationship and I can't waste my time. Sounds so mean!