The Dark Night of The Soul

[Cryo Soul]

I for a while was a frequent practitioner of meditation because I'm so introspective, and sought out a way to become more in tune with myself, but one day after I came out of it, it was as if I had entered this dark realm within myself; my ability to focus on my external life, was sucked into this existential depression and hateful state of mind that drives me insane, which leads me to my question; Has anyone gone through the Dark Night of the Soul? I believe I'm suffering from it, I've for lack of a better term reached a point in my life where everything has lost all meaning....that means EVERYTHING....I've read that this is usually a time for the INFJ type to undergo a "transformation" of sorts, and is really just the re-prioritizing of certain aspects of their lives. Either way, I've been in pain that strikes me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and most of the time, I've been so numb that I would rather either not be, or would rather be unconscious most days....

I've gotten to the point that I feel utterly detached from people and all facets from life....as if I've been sucked into the void that is the inner self....there's nothing in here, and I feel like I've been put into a cage with myself....all the parts I can't stand and won't leave me alone....trapped in the most EXCRUCIATING pain in my life, I thought at one point I was going insane from the agony, (and yes there is a pain that is so great that it will make you wish YOU NEVER WERE BORN)....it feels as if you're grip on sanity, on life, and on wanting to even take part in reality is fading, until there's nothing left....this isn't normal to feel this way....I don't know WHAT to do.....Any clues for total healing, or treatment?

 

[Kgal]

I for a while was a frequent practitioner of meditation because I'm so introspective, and sought out a way to become more in tune with myself, but one day after I came out of it, it was as if I had entered this dark realm within myself; my ability to focus on my external life, was sucked into this existential depression and hateful state of mind that drives me insane, which leads me to my question; Has anyone gone through the Dark Night of the Soul? I believe I'm suffering from it, I've for lack of a better term reached a point in my life where everything has lost all meaning....that means EVERYTHING....I've read that this is usually a time for the INFJ type to undergo a "transformation" of sorts, and is really just the re-prioritizing of certain aspects of their lives. Either way, I've been in pain that strikes me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and most of the time, I've been so numb that I would rather either not be, or would rather be unconscious most days....

I've gotten to the point that I feel utterly detached from people and all facets from life....as if I've been sucked into the void that is the inner self....there's nothing in here, and I feel like I've been put into a cage with myself....all the parts I can't stand and won't leave me alone....trapped in the most EXCRUCIATING pain in my life, I thought at one point I was going insane from the agony, (and yes there is a pain that is so great that it will make you wish YOU NEVER WERE BORN)....it feels as if you're grip on sanity, on life, and on wanting to even take part in reality is fading, until there's nothing left....this isn't normal to feel this way....I don't know WHAT to do.....Any clues for total healing, or treatment?

I am sorry you are feeling such pain in your heart.

What kind of meditation do you practice?

I'm not sure I've gone through what you describe at such intensity or all at once. It sounds as if you're experiencing Ego disintegration and the shadow side Ego is fighting you...terrorizing you, as it were, to keep you from moving forward along your path.
In my meditation practice I reached a point where I began to grieve - well - the loss of all of my illusions. Then my Ego kicked it up a notch as I began to see how it controlled me and brought me all kinds of misery. And yes - the detachment from humanity and the emptiness of it all too. My depression reached a high and I went on Wellbutrin to help me through.

 

[Cryo Soul]

Thanks K-Gal!! I hope you're on your way on your path as well


I practice Empty Mind, and Mantra Meditation if you've heard of it; I focus on absolutely nothing and clear my mind (before the day starts) and as the day ends....and after my EM meditation I do a mantra, or concept meditation for a half to an hour depending on the time I have available. I got to a point where I could shut out all other stimuli,and focus on the "light in the head" or the third eye.....this experience has really caused me pain of a psychic, and emotional kind....the sense i have of myself is far deeper than most have probably felt, and I know for certain it's beyond the normal range of human experience....I have no idea how to push past this darkness.....my only means of coping with it is by dissociating it psychologically.....I have fought through my ego thus far, and I won't relent until I've gotten to the other side.....I want to be rid of this ego that obscures my vision....there is something greater than the limits of the ego, and I want to know it before I die....one love that won't EVER fade...a joy that cannot be lost....and a peace of mind that will radiate, and illuminate the consciousness....I came this far, I'm NOT going back....if I go back, I was told through various writings that I would be lost, and enter a life of the pain that was unresolved by my Dark Night.....in otherwords, a life of pain and misery being lost within the disintegration of the ego.....not good.

 

[bickelz]

[MENTION=4019]Cryo Soul[/MENTION] Do you think you could be depressed? I have felt empty during my melancholic phases but nothing this deep. I'd look into enneagram though. You're probably a type four, like me. That might give you some answers.

 

[Cryo Soul]

It's very possible.....but my depression was never this deep as even you said bickelz....this was something.....different, perhaps my depression has deepened? Anyway, I'll look into the enneagrams though....before I was a type eight, but idk.....I'm also seeing a therapist, and trying to work something out full time....ya know, just to knock out the excess nightmonsters as I used to call them....

 

[bickelz]

It's very possible.....but my depression was never this deep as even you said bickelz....this was something.....different, perhaps my depression has deepened? Anyway, I'll look into the enneagrams though....before I was a type eight, but idk.....I'm also seeing a therapist, and trying to work something out full time....ya know, just to knock out the excess nightmonsters as I used to call them....

Maybe it's some sort of midlife crisis or something. I know that sounds silly seeing that you're 22 but I feel like I am going through midlife crisis at 19.

Whenever I think about the path that I was on/waned to be on, I feel forced in. Literally, I start to get sweaty and claustrophobic.

The feeling of why am I doing this? What's the point? How did I get here? I don't want this anymore. How do I get out? I have wasted my life doing something that I hate/have no interest in.

^ I get that sometimes.

You might just be going through a transformation process right now, like you stated. This is unorthodox advice but I might recommend keeping a dream journal for a little while, at least until you get this figured out. You can use a few interpreting sites to see what your subconcious is telling you at night. That could lead you to the problem faster.

I was in a bookstore a week ago and I picked up this psychology book (I forget the name and author) but I took away something from one of the pages*. The author hypothesized that crises like this one happen when the wants/needs/desires of the conscious and subconscious do not align.

*That's right, I can dissect the theories of a book without even reading it.

 

[Kgal]

Thanks K-Gal!! I hope you're on your way on your path as well


I practice Empty Mind, and Mantra Meditation if you've heard of it; I focus on absolutely nothing and clear my mind (before the day starts) and as the day ends....and after my EM meditation I do a mantra, or concept meditation for a half to an hour depending on the time I have available. I got to a point where I could shut out all other stimuli,and focus on the "light in the head" or the third eye.....this experience has really caused me pain of a psychic, and emotional kind....the sense i have of myself is far deeper than most have probably felt, and I know for certain it's beyond the normal range of human experience....I have no idea how to push past this darkness.....my only means of coping with it is by dissociating it psychologically.....I have fought through my ego thus far, and I won't relent until I've gotten to the other side.....I want to be rid of this ego that obscures my vision....there is something greater than the limits of the ego, and I want to know it before I die....one love that won't EVER fade...a joy that cannot be lost....and a peace of mind that will radiate, and illuminate the consciousness....I came this far, I'm NOT going back....if I go back, I was told through various writings that I would be lost, and enter a life of the pain that was unresolved by my Dark Night.....in otherwords, a life of pain and misery being lost within the disintegration of the ego.....not good.

I'm not familiar with Empty Mind or Mantra - except for maybe chanting the word "ohm" over and over. I like the way that feels when I do it.
In my practice, which is Vipassana or what is called "Insight Meditation" in the west, we are taught you cannot get rid of the Ego. We are encouraged to accept without judgment all of the aspects of ourselves that make up the Ego. We do this with a friendly kindness towards ourselves.
I once heard a story about Milarepa, the assassin turned monk, that said when his monsters showed up, he turned towards them. One really scary monster with a huge mouth and rows and rows of sharp teeth roared and charged at him. The tale goes on to say that Milarepa began running towards the monster and dove right into his mouth. And then he became enlightened.

I know that sounds idiotic - but my teachings say we have to accept who we are - warts and all. The first time I got a glimpse of my monster she scared me so bad all I could do was look at her from the corner of my eye for a few seconds. Then I bolted. Each attempt since then has gotten a bit easier. I gulp down my fear and reach for compassion in my heart to feel towards my monster. So far that's the only one I've encountered. Perhaps there are more. But I'm trying to just let it happen as it will. You sound like you are in the snake pit with all of yours at one time. Whew... huge undertaking. Huge amount of fear to deal with. I'm sorry.

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor. Mine helped me a few months ago when I was standing at the edge of huge pit so dark all I could see was 2 red dots. No way was I going down in that pit. I know I'll have to though...when the time comes. hwell:

I'm sorry this isn't much help. Keep talking if it makes you feel better.

 

[manicman1]

http://www.spiritualemergence.org.au/pages/forms-egodeath.html
Does your experience resemble this?
Cause I've been experiencing this for a while now, and I have to say while it is quite difficult and painful, it does get better over time and you will get through it.

 

[noun]

Hi Cryo Soul
thank you for sharing this story. I feel very much like you. Detached, disconnected...and it is like I am not even alive.

I don't believe in the dark night of the soul anymore...I mean I don't believe it is leading to anything. To me, it is not a sign of any transformation. It is a nice and poetic hope however that this "dark night" will lead to some light.

It is just greyness. Then it goes. And nothing really changes. The best feeling would be just to stop caring about the 'progress' of your soul. Just live with it...there is nothing we can do to drop our own selves. But I would, if I could. I would live myself somewhere by the side of the road and run as fast as I could.

but we cannot do such a thing. so it is better to ignore that self...which needs healing or treatment.

 

[Trifoilum]

calling @Milon; he had one.

Me, too; what I did was, I laid there. I took notice.
I struggle, fighting the pain. Persevering; this will all be over, but this won't be over until I found it. What is it? I don't know, it's too many.
I look deeper inside. What's inside?

I question; what is right? What is wrong? What is right for me? What is wrong for me?
I look around; what's happening with people? Why? How?

Actually; I looked at the conversation between me and @Milon;

Questioning everything is easy when you know all the questions. But wouldn't finding what question to ask the harder thing to do?

because that is half of the goal; finding the questions itself. What needs questioning? What's wrong with me, the world, my belief, the world's beliefs? Like you said, is that how life is supposed to be? But WHY? What makes people continue their lives, and what makes me continue mine? Are small happiness important, or it's the big stuffs like, true love, being on the top of the mountain (figuratively), or saving the world? Why?

So....for me it's the questions about....someone's fundamentals. From what defines a good person to what is beauty to...what is X, really. For each grand questions asked, from there goes a lot of other questions I may or may not have the answer for. So it'd be too soon to say it's already complete and thus needing no searching. It's confusing. Like I said, so much I didn't know; or rather, so much I thought I know. But I believe deep inside ourselves, there are already fragments of the answers. So I keep peeling the layers. What was I searching? So many. I keep peeling to see what comes out in order to know myself. But often there is an imbalance between searching outside, and searching inside.

Fumbling and tumbling, this is where God comes to play. By giving external stimuli for me to experience, resulting in some fragments resurfacing, some thoughts sharpened. Some fogs cleared.

Being aware with my thoughts.

Indeed it hurts and painful so much, on so many levels. But in other ways, that is the meaning of the Dark Night of The Soul. Pain is the catalyst, but it was those that force us to grow mentally, ego-wise. If you were broken, fix yourself. If you were lost, find yourself. If I were to be very blunt, I think you're focusing too much of the pain, and not yourself (or your self).

If you kept running from the monsters, you will lost inside the night on, and on, and on. And there's no end in sight.

 

[Untitled]

[MENTION=4019]Cryo Soul[/MENTION]
I'm coming out of this type of a dark episode myself. I think your referring to the dark night of the soul of the mystics.
Here's a description of what that means in christian terms:

The term "dark night (of the soul)" is used in Christianity for a spiritual crisis in a journey towards union with God, like that described by Saint John of the Cross.
Typically for a believer in the dark night of the soul, spiritual disciplines (such as prayer and consistent devotion to God) suddenly seem to lose all their experiential value; traditional prayer is extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time during this "dark night." The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them or that his or her prayer life has collapsed. It is important to note however that the presence of doubt is not tantamount to abandonment—as there is a strong Biblical tradition of authentic confusion before God. Psalms 13, 22, and 44 display King David, the 'man after God's own heart' undergoing serious confusion before and anguish with God, yet this is not condemned or mentioned as being unfaithful, but rather as the only measure of faith that David could have in the face of such withering apparent abandonment.
Rather than resulting in permanent devastation, the dark night is regarded by mystics and others as a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual is stripped (in the dark night of the senses) of the spiritual ecstasy associated with acts of virtue. Although individuals may for a time seem to outwardly decline in their practices of virtue, in reality they become more virtuous, as they are being virtuous less for the spiritual rewards (ecstasies in the cases of the first night) obtained and more out of a true love for God. It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul
I've gone through these very bleak episodes of purging, where I've felt literally that all my wants, desires, wishes and cherished beliefs burn away until there is only blackness. You're completely and utterly desolate. When you're empty a transformation happens. It's always for the better but the more there's resistance the more suffering precedes.
There was a powerful moment in my life about ten years ago when I had an existentialistic crisis. It had felt to me for a while like my life was a dream. Entertaining but unreal in some profound way. Everything seemed empty. I felt there was something I wasn't understanding, something vital. I was reading about Zen buddhism and came across a story where a monk held a burning stick of incense in his fingers and vowed to die if he did not become enlightened before the stick burned out. He sat and meditated and as he felt the incense burn his hand he became enlightened. I decided that if I don't understand this thing I knew I didn't understand,I would rather die than not understand. Everything was going seemingly well in my "dream of a life" and I wasn't depressed. I began to intently ask what it was that I wasn't understanding and kept the intense questioning with every fibre of my being while my body was doing my usual routine. I was absolutely as focused in this intent as I could. At night I stepped out of the grocery store and had the most powerful transformative experience of my life. It's kind of impossible to put into words but I'll try.( Take it as you will. It's just my experience): Everything had changed though it was the same. Everything in the seemingly familiar scene was imbued with a thick comfortable luminescence. I gazed above the rooftops of the restaurants across the street and there was some type of a consciousness that was purely graceful, kind and thick with love and compassion. Like the essence of the purest mother's love and it spanned through me and the other people, everything. It communicated to me in myself that it was all alright and there was nothing to be worried about. I remember asking what of the suffering we go through and thought of the beggar man by the shop door. This being communicated with me to look and where the form of the beggar was there was what I'd probably call his soul around him and it was a dignified king-like thing. At the same time the king like soul that was also taking form as a beggar was learning something important by being a beggar, but the beggar wasn't real in some odd way. The vision ended and I went home. I felt nearly no boundaries between myself and others. more like we were only separated by some faint porous membranes in a large being. In some hours the vision was gone.

This more recent time around I had made such a strong home in my temporal self and it's circumstances that I suffered greatly when the circumstance changed. I was attached to certain ideas I had had and could't bring myself to let go. I had neglected to keep my being in that which to me was proven that day ten years ago, that's my beacon. I'm coming out at the other end of the dark again with more self knowledge and hopefully a tad more insight.
So just hold on. I don't know if other's flow through the tides with less pain but for me it's usually through the night and like they say "It's always darkest before the dawn".

I'm not familiar with Empty Mind or Mantra - except for maybe chanting the word "ohm" over and over. I like the way that feels when I do it.
In my practice, which is Vipassana or what is called "Insight Meditation" in the west, we are taught you cannot get rid of the Ego. We are encouraged to accept without judgment all of the aspects of ourselves that make up the Ego. We do this with a friendly kindness towards ourselves.
I once heard a story about Milarepa, the assassin turned monk, that said when his monsters showed up, he turned towards them. One really scary monster with a huge mouth and rows and rows of sharp teeth roared and charged at him. The tale goes on to say that Milarepa began running towards the monster and dove right into his mouth. And then he became enlightened.

I know that sounds idiotic - but my teachings say we have to accept who we are - warts and all. The first time I got a glimpse of my monster she scared me so bad all I could do was look at her from the corner of my eye for a few seconds. Then I bolted. Each attempt since then has gotten a bit easier. I gulp down my fear and reach for compassion in my heart to feel towards my monster. So far that's the only one I've encountered. Perhaps there are more. But I'm trying to just let it happen as it will. You sound like you are in the snake pit with all of yours at one time. Whew... huge undertaking. Huge amount of fear to deal with. I'm sorry.

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor. Mine helped me a few months ago when I was standing at the edge of huge pit so dark all I could see was 2 red dots. No way was I going down in that pit. I know I'll have to though...when the time comes. hwell:

I'm sorry this isn't much help. Keep talking if it makes you feel better.

I had a meeting with my inner beast too in a dream. I had a recurring dream where I always found myself in haunted houses. I was scared of the bangs and the doors flying open, being tossed in the air. Then one time I began to see one of the ghosts doing all this and got to know him. Once I befriended it more and more ghosts showed up and I was talking to them all. They were all ok but seemed to be afraid of this one creature. Surely enough it found me and it was my inner demon of sorts. I fought it and It was totally kicking my butt until I began to embrace it with compassion and it began to yeild. I couldn't keep my concentration and I didn't finish it before I woke up, so it's still unresolved. I still hang out in haunted houses in my dreams and come across ghosts but not the boss. Another day I suppose.

 

[Kgal]

I had a meeting with my inner beast too in a dream. I had a recurring dream where I always found myself in haunted houses. I was scared of the bangs and the doors flying open, being tossed in the air. Then one time I began to see one of the ghosts doing all this and got to know him. Once I befriended it more and more ghosts showed up and I was talking to them all. They were all ok but seemed to be afraid of this one creature. Surely enough it found me and it was my inner demon of sorts.

I fought it and It was totally kicking my butt until I began to embrace it with compassion and it began to yield.

I couldn't keep my concentration and I didn't finish it before I woke up, so it's still unresolved. I still hang out in haunted houses in my dreams and come across ghosts but not the boss. Another day I suppose.

What a dream!! I am very impressed you were able to make the transition from fighting it to feeling love and kindness towards your Beast. This is a huge step.... and it took you Courage to do it. :nod:

Don't worry. You'll see your Beast again - especially if you sit in stillness with your self for a little while and remember how the Beast looked the last time you saw it. Mine has come again and again since I wrote that post - and it's getting easier and easier to invite it(her) into my arms for a hug and to let my love light shine on her. It(she) still looks pretty scary - but each time "feels" better and better.

You are awesome for daring to talk to the ghosts and embrace your Beast. I wish you success in your future encounters with it.

Namaste'

 

[Untitled]

[MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION]
I'm sure it'll be back. I wasn't completely successful dealing with it. I love your methodical approach re-inviting the beast to be embraced, though. That's much braver I think. To actively deal and handle it again and again.
I see myself more as the fool really. Strolling along unaware. Brave and open to things but undisciplined and sometimes getting in harm's way big time.

 

[Kgal]

@Kgal
I'm sure it'll be back. I wasn't completely successful dealing with it. I love your methodical approach re-inviting the beast to be embraced, though. That's much braver I think. To actively deal and handle it again and again.
I see myself more as the fool really. Strolling along unaware. Brave and open to things but undisciplined and sometimes getting in harm's way big time.

Well.. I see my Beast as that part of myself I pushed down and locked away because she was "unacceptable". This is my "Shadow" amalgam. [MENTION=1939]Stu[/MENTION] knows more about Jung's Shadow theories than I do. But I believe the Beast within is another analogy.
The only way to become whole is to embrace all of our selve(s)....beasts and all...

Truly - after a few encounters your Beast will not act so scary - because it wants to be loved too.

 

[Untitled]

Well.. I see my Beast as that part of myself I pushed down and locked away because she was "unacceptable". This is my "Shadow" amalgam. [MENTION=1939]Stu[/MENTION] knows more about Jung's Shadow theories than I do. But I believe the Beast within is another analogy.
The only way to become whole is to embrace all of our selve(s)....beasts and all...

Truly - after a few encounters your Beast will not act so scary - because it wants to be loved too.

I read this article by a female journalist who went on a shamanistic journey in South America. She was guided by shamans under the influence of a drug and went on a quest. In her vision she rescues her lost self from a deep cavern from demons guarding it, her lost self is in the guise of herself as a child. I thought that was powerful.
I suppose our inner beast and our daylight selves is like the story of the beauty and the beast in a way, where beauty has to free the beast with love, though he may be scary at first he is only prickly. ;D
It's funny...I actually wrote a song about that, the first I ever did, retelling the little red riding hood myth as a love story so I guess I've been loving my beast in song too.

[MENTION=4110]manicman[/MENTION]
I had to wait a little to read the article you posted the link to but I finally got to it and it was amazing. Thank you.

 

[Kgal]

I read this article by a female journalist who went on a shamanistic journey in South America. She was guided by shamans under the influence of a drug and went on a quest. In her vision she rescues her lost self from a deep cavern from demons guarding it, her lost self is in the guise of herself as a child. I thought that was powerful.
I suppose our inner beast and our daylight selves is like the story of the beauty and the beast in a way, where beauty has to free the beast with love, though he may be scary at first he is only prickly. ;D

It's funny...I actually wrote a song about that, the first I ever did, retelling the little red riding hood myth as a love story so I guess I've been loving my beast in song too.

Now your song about Little Red Riding Hood sounds interesting. I've never thought about the story from your perspective.

Yes. I was thinking of Beauty and the Beast a few moments ago. I like the way you say it.

 

[Nitesteamer]

I for a while was a frequent practitioner of meditation because I'm so introspective, and sought out a way to become more in tune with myself, but one day after I came out of it, it was as if I had entered this dark realm within myself; my ability to focus on my external life, was sucked into this existential depression and hateful state of mind that drives me insane, which leads me to my question; Has anyone gone through the Dark Night of the Soul? I believe I'm suffering from it, I've for lack of a better term reached a point in my life where everything has lost all meaning....that means EVERYTHING....I've read that this is usually a time for the INFJ type to undergo a "transformation" of sorts, and is really just the re-prioritizing of certain aspects of their lives. Either way, I've been in pain that strikes me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and most of the time, I've been so numb that I would rather either not be, or would rather be unconscious most days....

I've gotten to the point that I feel utterly detached from people and all facets from life....as if I've been sucked into the void that is the inner self....there's nothing in here, and I feel like I've been put into a cage with myself....all the parts I can't stand and won't leave me alone....trapped in the most EXCRUCIATING pain in my life, I thought at one point I was going insane from the agony, (and yes there is a pain that is so great that it will make you wish YOU NEVER WERE BORN)....it feels as if you're grip on sanity, on life, and on wanting to even take part in reality is fading, until there's nothing left....this isn't normal to feel this way....I don't know WHAT to do.....Any clues for total healing, or treatment?

Yes. It is deep and dim and seemingly endless, with a metaphoric cold howling wind. There is a devastating removal of favor and kinship with many in your circle of influence, and a temporary, painful distancing from God. There is often the temptation and strong desire to fix the irreparable. When extremely enticing fixes to problems are attempted, it merely deepens and prolongs the process, thus bringing on more despair. When there is finally a rejection of the ability of self to influence this condition, and a passive reliance upon God is employed, the traveler will begin to be restored and reinvented.

 

[Untitled]

[MENTION=3830]Nitesteamer[/MENTION] [MENTION=4019]Cryo Soul[/MENTION]

What you just said Nitesteamer strikes a familiar chord:
All of a sudden I lost many of my friends' and peers' support without warning...these were people I thought I could trust no matter what comes...the general opinion turned against me...those who usually support me were called away on business or had close family become ill....OR became ill had their marriages break down...I had my hands full trying to help them when I would have needed support too. I almost lost my home, my livelihood, my husband had to be away all the time. I didn't have time for my creative outlets...and worst of all my inner compass was going crazy, not knowing where due north was. Where was my guidance?
before I had taken solace and found joy in my work which I felt I was somehow called to do, my husband and my inner life with all the insights I felt I received felt somehow bountiful... I had peer support and was blooming. Then In a matter of months I saw it all crumble. It didn't feel like depression though because I've suffered from it when I was younger, in dire circumstances. There's always been some support, outer or inner and the ability to transform obstacles into stepping stones. Now there was no external or internal support. Just silence. Where there has been a spark was just darkness. I lost my bearings and looking for guidance only made my anguish worse. I'd been into astrology and looked for clues in my natal chart, read tarot cards (moon card constantly) kept a dream journal...it was all death and change. I finally threw them all away and let go of trying to find an answer or solace, or fate, till there was only now and a broken down empty person.

I'm reading Meister Eckhart at this moment. He's a medieval christian mystic. Something in his words struck a chord. He said that God removes the things you take comfort in from your soul to make room for himself so he can enrich us. The soul is his and when there are things that seem to carry us that are not God he removes them so that he can be the carrying force, because God is the only genuinely reliable thing to lean on. All else is illusion.
He said that the soul can venture from creation into nothingness but that this nothingness is such that the soul cannot get back from it if it goes very far into nothingness on it's own accord. this is when God helps it back.

I found Jesus's time in the desert and his words on the cross relevant to this time.

since I'm eclectic Tao Te Ching wisdom:

If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.

The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.

Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
“When spring comes the grass grows by itself.”
“Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.”

When I lost everything that had given me solace I had to really look at myself and how my behavior was. Was my compassion true? Had I become dependent on people's liking of me? Had I looked for the truth in other's or others' words and experiences and not within? Had I relied on people to be more than human and care for my needs without the room for failure? Was I cruel and unreasonable to expect this? Was there fate? I believed I had met my soulmate, but is he not just a human being? Was I asking him to fulfill my needs again? Where was there a permanent support? Where can I rest? Is there rest at all? Is there God? Was I expecting rewards all the time? to be carried?
When I fell as low as I could go and saw my own worst behavior and habits and how I was angered when no one and not even God came to pick me up, I suffered for my self being that way. I saw that I with my expectations were the cause of my anguish and had molded the circumstances that I found myself in and it made me really bow my head. Afterwards I've noticed that I really feel for people I may previously thought were digging their own grave. I realized we're no different. I've got a shovel in hand too. Most of all: Had I become dependent on the external circumstance to go well to be in peace? It was a very humbling experience.

Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is as hollow as fear.

What does it mean that success is a dangerous as failure?
Whether you go up the ladder or down it,
you position is shaky.
When you stand with your two feet on the ground,
you will always keep your balance.

What does it mean that hope is as hollow as fear?
Hope and fear are both phantoms
that arise from thinking of the self.
When we don't see the self as self,
what do we have to fear?

See the world as your self.
Have faith in the way things are.
Love the world as your self;
then you can care for all things.

Tao Te Ching


Only one to try help me was my dear ENFJ friend who is a devout buddhist trying to remind me of the impermanence of things and not to take solace in the ever changing circumstance.

I'm sorry if I'm a little rambly. I'm in a hurry and it's so hard to talk about this in a sober minded way. If you're going through this type of an experience don't fight it. Be brave and let it show you what needs to be seen. It will help you live in a more authentic way, but be prepared to say goodbye to your most beloved beliefs, cause you can't take them with you where you're going.
...I'm being very rambly...:tape: :wave: ;D

 

[Nitesteamer]

@Reverie

Nicely put....many good points.

Btw Rev: Received a copy of Holy Grail as a gift a few months ago. Hadn't watched it in decades.
("....are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory??")

 

[Quiet]

Wow. Vey intense experiences here. Thank you so much for sharing these everyone. A lot of insight here.

I think I have experienced this too, I will try to explain but it is difficult to articulate. I feel maybe unduly embarassed and vulnerable sharing something so personal. It was an amazing and defining experience yet it is so hard to talk about.

I also started feeling this way after intense and extensive meditation and lucid dreaming. The reason I had retreated so much into my inner world was primarily because I enjoy it and and find in fascinating, as well as escaping the external reality which I had started to find exhausting. I felt a deep hate of the world and was constantly sickened by the state of humanity and people. I was feeling disconnected from my body and the people in my life, and the all the people that i could imagine. I cared so deeply about everyone around me and felt so sad by all the suffering and pain in the world. i felt like I couldnt stand it. It was all eating at me. I didnt undertand why we were all so shit and why we couldnt just get on with it.

I was judgemental towards almost everyone and felt that there was no one I could look up to as a person. I just kept seeing all these problems around me in the world. I was angry at the creator/creators. Why are we here? What is the point? What do you want from us? The interesting thing about this is that I had previously felt I had come to know the answers to the questions andI had experienced the peace. But I got caught up in the 'shared cultural reality' of this world and started believing it again, and in my spiraling depression and I lost touch with that knowledge and just fell deeper into this personal abyss.

At first when I went deeper into myself it was beautiful. There was amazing peace and wonderful dreamscapes there that I had lost in my waking state. I lost myself in for hours at atime, at every opportunity. It was so compelling and I enjoyed it so much it was very difficult to return back to the physical world that I had started to loathe more and more. Each time I came back I felt more disconnected with my body and the people around me. I just kept seeing faults everwhere. I took every chance to sleep, meditate, dream and escape. I lost interest in eating. Only eating and drinking enough to sustain my shell. It became easier and easier to imagine leaving my body and floating away in the way I knew I could. To return to the place I knew where the problems of this world dont exist. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this dream.

So I started drawing even deeper in my meditations and the energy changed. I started seeing myself from the perspective of an observer. It was like I was me, but then there was the other me that was playing this role in the world. And the me in the role I was playing was ugly and hideous. Everything that I hated in others and in the world I could see clearly in myself. I felt very lost, and hateful towards myself and everyone. I couldnt escape the reality of myself and I felt consumed by it. I then felt so confused that I began to doubt 'all' of myself. Who was this observer? Who was I. How do I fit in. What was the point? It was too hard and I felt helpless.

By this stage I was feeling very desperate and chaotic. I wanted to give up. I have always had a phobia of drowning, and in my dreamscape I found an ocean and just dived into it. It was like I was literally drowning and it was frightening. This was a deep contrast to the apathy I had been feeling. I started fighting the drowning but it was too hard and painful so I thought I will just go deeper into this ocean then and see what is there. I let go and somehow started swimming deeper. And then I surfaced. I felt exhausted but I realised that I was still swimming and I liked it. At this stage I felt relieved and contemplative. I dont how it happened but I think I started to empathise towards myself. I could see how and why and what I had written in my story so far, and to cut a very long story short, I felt love towards myself. I loved, accepted and forgave myself. It was an ecstatic and yet extremely peaceful experience. I felt truly alive, maybe for the first time and the dreamscape around me was beautiful and glowing. This experience happened at night after I had gone to sleep. When I woke up it was about 4 in the morning and everyone was still asleep in my home. It was a bit hard to get out of bed because I felt very strangely stiff and groggy, but still elated. I remember feeling confused, a bit disassociated but very grateful when I looked at my face in the mirror. Everything felt a bit strange, like the physical reality around me had all just been unravelled and then drawn back together. It all felt novel, new and old at the same time.

When I saw my family in the morning I was just so happy to see them. I couldnt help but feel empathy for them. I cannot even explain the love I felt towards everyone and everything- it was overwhelming. The sense of peace was so deep. Everything in the world made perfect sense. Everything felt good. I felt so fortunate and blessed. I felt the interconnectedness, not just with all the people, but with my environment, with the physical world. I was still myself though- changed, but still the same. It was a profound experience but yet so ordinary in the same vein except everything looked different. I still had concerns, I still had fears but I felt like I could see them and face them. I could see clearly how I was actively creating my reality and I had full control over my experience. I felt very grounded to where I was and to the people in my life.

The next day I started paying attention to my physical health. I reorganised my diet and started excercising. I forced myself to look in the mirror for periods of time and just be. I started reorganising my home and obligations. When I fell into my dream again, I sought after the people and events that had caused me the most pain- and I felt love. The anger and resentment had disassipated. It was easy and made perfect sense and yet it was still hard work. I found that some of my barriers and fears cropped back up, despite what I had just experienced, but this time I was able to let them go because I was armed with more infromation and self awareness. Nothing could hurt me anymore. I did not want to hurt anyone anymore. I started studying and learning the Seth materials again. For some reason I had abandoned them after accepting them before. This time when i went over the teachings and explanations that I had always accepted, they made sense in a new, deeper way. I realised that I had known all of this but I had chosen to forget it and become blinded by my weaknesses. I was able to answer a lot of my questions. The world suddenly became very small. It was like the veil of culture, heirachies, and systems were lifted and all I could see was the people, and the beautiful harmony and balance of the natural world that we are currently inhabiting

This is not really the end of the story. There are still many challenges I face, fail and deal with on a daily basis but the peace has lasted through out it. The only way I can explain it is as a state of grace. Love is the answer.