[Sociology] Fear of exclusion | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

[Sociology] Fear of exclusion

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Erlian, Jan 22, 2015.

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  1. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known monster
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    I think it's great that you're putting in effort and getting everyone together. However, if you've spent most of your life outside of a social circle rather than being in one, the truth is that you've likely missed out on the more subtle social skills that can only develop through prolonged exposure to social groups that most people learned at a young age. These skills are not something that can be taught; in fact, no one could even give you a proper inventory of them all. It's something that must be absorbed and learned intuitively.

    The good news is, it's not too late. The more social exposure you get, the better feel you get for it and the more adept you get at developing rapport and cementing friendships. So at the beginning, I'm sad to say, you're probably going to have to keep putting in way more effort to maintain that exposure until you subconsciously develop that charismatic glue. that easy ability to generate rapport, that draws people to you in a way that doesn't require your conscious effort all the time.

    But while you work on that, it would be beneficial to start letting go of your fear because it will only hinder you rather than help you.

    I find that whether we intend this or not, whenever we're afraid of something and we'd do anything to keep it from happening, a tiny ounce of inauthenticity and desperation leaks into our efforts and people pick up on it. It doesn't have to be obvious. In fact, most of the times its just a teeny, tiny whiff of an aroma of fear and folks start to wonder: why is this person trying so hard? What are they afraid of? What are they hiding? What do they want from me? And that subconsciously makes people pull back.

    Meanwhile, on the individual level, fear gets in the way of us deriving meaning from our experiences, because instead of learning and growing from both positive and negative feedback, we spend more time scanning our environment for hints of our fears manifesting and finding ways to avoid it. This, in turn, makes us even less competent and we end up attracting into our lives exactly what we fear most.

    My advice, therefore, is that if this is so important to you, you must shift your focus from 'fear of social exclusion' to 'opportunities for social inclusion' and try not to be so exacting in your expectations. People will naturally come to you when you relax. Until you do, take a task-oriented approach to your social life. Have a social quota to reach every week and try not to weigh each experience against your fears. Just take comfort in going out and socializing. Eventually, what isn't 'natural' to you will become second-nature and you won't feel so exhausted by it. It's like any skill. It takes time to develop enough competence before it feels comfortable and natural.

    Eventually, you'll find yourself getting more and more included as you get on the same social wavelength as people and people start seeking you out.
     
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    #21 sassafras, Jan 31, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
  2. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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  3. QuickTwist

    QuickTwist Regular Poster

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  4. OP
    Erlian

    Erlian Community Member

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    Yeah, I've started doing that more the last 3 years. However, deep down I still have the urge.
    I might not be liked by everyone, but I've done a pretty nice job not being disliked or hated.

    To me, what people think of me is also my business.

    On the social intuition. I feel that sometimes I know exactly what's going on, but other times have no clue. But it's certainly true that I'm still learning this.

    I fully agree with your description of fear. Fear is bad.

    Also just to relativate my situation. In the last week I've made at least 10 new acquaintances. I will be seeing about half of them again in the near future. On Tuesday I was a speed-friending night and felt really comfortable. Just sit back and let the other ask questions or ask questions and take full control of the converstaion into the direction of one of their interests. That felt quite good.
    Talked to some girls at a party yesterday. Some added me on fb.
    And I haven't stopped initiating stuff. I've just changed my expectations of who will react and who won't.

    You get the idea...
    I'm doing great.
     
    #24 Erlian, Jan 31, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
  5. BrokenDaniel

    Infraction Bin

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    But why would you think that you may be hated? If you describe yourself as a fairly social, and i guess nice too. Why would someone hate you? Why preparing for that in the first place? People are usually more indiferent than hateful, ime. It seems that you're putting too much responsibility on other people for your own worth. When someone hates you is usually much more involved and specific, oh and i guess being a jerk too haves to do with that, but you didn't described yourself as such.
     
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    #25 BrokenDaniel, Jan 31, 2015
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  6. niffer

    niffer Well-known member

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    I think you are on the right track.

    Your only problem is your own too-high expectations for yourself. Stop worrying. Keep in mind that you have only been there for ONE MONTH. Just do what you want, reach out to the people that you genuinely want to get to know and spend time with, and enjoy your time on your exchange! Don't ruin your special experience by stressing about what-ifs. Believe in yourself and don't taint your expectations, otherwise what you fear most may come true. Focus on enjoying yourself and the positive opportunities to come, and on what you can do to change your situation--not what you can't.
     
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  7. OP
    Erlian

    Erlian Community Member

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    Mostly miscommunication.
    Meh, I don't really mind thinking a lot about other's image of me. I have plenty of thinking/brain power anyway. You can wake me in 4 AM for Schrödinger's cat, neuroscience, your love issues, organisational topics, politics and computergame combat strategies and I'll go on for hours. It was actually less than a year ago when I found out that people can actually get tired of thinking or talking about complex stuff. So if I have to ponder about what others think of me. I like that as long as I keep it real. Don't expect impossible things from me or blame me for things I can't do anything about. Mostly I'm fine :)

    What I mentioned in my last post played a huge role in my childhood and early teens. I was afraid that people wouldn't like me. I talked to them if I was around them, but I never initiated anything outside of sports or school. I was afraid to ask to play afterwards because I didn't want to force them to accept in politeness. Maybe also afraid of rejection, but I don't really remember anything. My mom used to force me to play with a kid from my class every week. I rationally obliged, but it would just be a one time thing.
    I was afraid to be obtrusive. And it crippled my social life as kid and I got behind in social skill/experience.

    Somewhere when I was 16 or 17 I had a good female friend. I kinda liked her, but I knew she didn't like me 'more' so I tried to ignore my feelings (other topic).
    A few times she would really go out of her way and tell others or me how incredibly nice I am. She was quite jealous (she fought with her mother/friends etc like any teen would do, but I didn't).
    The second time it happened it struck me. I was nice. Incredibly nice. But just nice. You don't make friends by just being nice. You don't get a girlfriend by being just nice. You don't get a good job if you're just nice.

    Since then (it took a while for me to figure out how to be not-just-nice), I also try to be funny, challening, principled, careless, confident but without giving up being nice. Although being nice isn't too special, I think it's a pretty important virtue. Just imagine the world if everyone was :O
    So now I'm just going around balancing on still being nice, but not just boring nice. And being confident and careless without being a douchebag.

    To link it back to my OP. The fear of being obtrusive has played a larger role in my life than the fear of exclusion. Just not a week ago.
    For example, those friends I hung out with at first that turned out to be a bit unresponsive. I never called one of them out on it. I could, ask what's going on. Get the proper picture. But I haven't, because I don't want to be obtrusive. I think I'll do it anyway with one girl. I know how to be nice, so I'll employ that skill to be as little obtrusive as possible.
     
  8. BrokenDaniel

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    I think you should take the advice to "chill" with the social thing as other have said, and i also implied in a previous post, not only because it will actually make you more accesible. But for you as a person, it will take you a lot of unnecesary burden, specially when it comes to your fears of being excluded.
     
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    #28 BrokenDaniel, Feb 1, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2015
  9. Alomoes

    Alomoes Community Member

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    The idea is that I don't want an answer for myself. I can manage my own self quite well, and better than anyone else, I'd imagine. Ti has a funny little function where if you are thinking about something, and it isn't helping you, you can just stop and move onto a new tangent. I've isolated this as Ti because it is what I've been doing recently, which is pretty much striving to reach a conclusion on matters which you cannot reach a conclusion from. I've defined this as Ni-Ti looping at its finest. This is not Te, because I've pretty much avoided all social interaction during this time. Te would likely stress out by organizing an event or something, and then bother someone willing to listen about it. Well, I have an example of this that is relatively apparent. :p

    Obviously, the preconceived conception is that this is bad. I don't care, as you don't know how I think. The only ones who probably have a clue are the people who've conceded that they've done this as well. And eventually, I'll exhaust this train of thought, and move onto another one. I'm going to go listen to music now. But yeah. In conclusion, nothing can keep me down, I might just go there for a while.

    De-stressing done. Now to stress myself out again.
     
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    #29 Alomoes, Feb 2, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2015
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