SJ parents and communication issues

[LadyArkham]

My father, who I dearly love and who I've always had a great relationship with, is an ISTJ. My mother, who's grown on me only in the last four years or so and who I've always had a combative relationship with, is an ESTJ.

They have communication issues. Neither of them has noticed. They fight a great deal, and have been hurting each other a lot for the 34 years of their marriage. They are also fairly happy together, and as far as I can tell love each other very much.

I am biased against my Mom to begin with, but her Extrovert nature means that she wants to complain to me about my dad anytime she thinks he's being unreasonable, unfair, or stupid. I try to shut her out when she does this by not responding.

Neither of them knows how to accept criticism, though my Dad is more likely to back down and feel guilty. My mom has never accepted criticism of any kind from me, and only once that I know of has ever accepted it from someone else.

I want them to communicate and build each other up. But I'm also afraid of poking a hornets' nest unnecessarily. Does anyone else have experience with getting an SJ to see that there's a problem, and that they need to change their attitude about something?

 

[IndigoSensor]

My father is an ESTJ, and I have an extremely hard time to get him to "see the light of day" so to speak. I have largely given up, as he has always and always will figure things out on his own accord. I now know how to get him to listen and change to a marginal degree, and same with understanding, but it is of him as an individual, and methods will not translate to another person.

You also have to take this into concideration. They are both governed by Si and Te, and both have issues with Ne and Fi. As such they are very different people from you with respects to needs, wants, how the work, and how they function. Just because you think they are having issues and are making themselves miserable, does not mean that they actually feel that way. SJ's, in particular STJ's are wildly different from INFJ's. So, when trying to help the relationship between two different SJ's in which you are not involved with (You are, but you speak of their relationship), is a bad idea. Our ideals are not the same. I personally would let them be. It will be only a waste of engery on your end.

 

[athenian200]

Well, it really depends on the situation. Telling us that they're having "communication issues" could mean anything. Are they just fighting over the typical things like money, fixing things, disagreeing, etc? Or are they usually upset and attacking each other's character?

If it's the first one, that's just how marriage tends to be. I know people who are married, and that's usually how it is. Very few people can live together for a long period of time without getting on each others nerves. As long as it's not escalating into abuse, and they both get over it and enjoy periods of liking one another, then it's a decent marriage.

If it's the second one... you may have a more serious problem. Try to figure out what the typical sources of disagreement are. See if you can suggest any ways of avoiding or compromising on those areas (even if it means having them not discuss those things with each other), in an uncritical fashion, perhaps even making it seem like it was their own idea.

Another thing about your mother... I know something that works with SFJs, but I don't know how it would fare with STJs. It's something I've seen them do with each other to smooth things over and comfort them when they're upset with a relative.

"Oh, I'm sure everything will be fine. He's your husband and my father, you love each other. We're a family. You two always get past these things eventually, which is how I know that. You've been together for 34 years now, and he hasn't pushed you away yet."

That kind of stuff very much appeals to the core values of SJs... if you can keep them focused on their duty to each other, and love for each other, rather than their differences, that might be the best thing for them.

 

[Trifoilum]

How about asking them what happened / what have worked in the past?

Also, ask about what would they like the other to do / act, and then ask to compromise for the better good?

Personally speaking, it's honestly kinda hard to ..bend them towards what would be better (because by then it would be -our- own version of better and now theirs). I have an ESTJ father and convincing him that his point of view is not the only right ones by itself is a task of multitude difficulty....2 STJs sounds kinda hard to probe on, mainly because of their focus towards their reality.

 

[Raccoon Love]

My father is an ESTJ, and I have an extremely hard time to get him to "see the light of day" so to speak. I have largely given up, as he has always and always will figure things out on his own accord. I now know how to get him to listen and change to a marginal degree, and same with understanding, but it is of him as an individual, and methods will not translate to another person.

You also have to take this into concideration. They are both governed by Si and Te, and both have issues with Ne and Fi. As such they are very different people from you with respects to needs, wants, how the work, and how they function. Just because you think they are having issues and are making themselves miserable, does not mean that they actually feel that way. SJ's, in particular STJ's are wildly different from INFJ's. So, when trying to help the relationship between two different SJ's in which you are not involved with (You are, but you speak of their relationship), is a bad idea. Our ideals are not the same. I personally would let them be. It will be only a waste of engery on your end.

This.

I deal with the same issues daily, there is always an arguments between my parents despite the fact that they state they are growing spiritually. What is worst that they actually take some of their anger on me.

Indy is right on this, I feel as if you would be wasting your energy by trying to help and only aid to the fire. They will hopefully realize their mistakes as they get older.