Significant Others & Their Exes | INFJ Forum

Significant Others & Their Exes

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Skye001, Jan 21, 2017.

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  1. Skye001

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    Is it incredibly odd for a significant other to continue an in depth relationship with his ex girlfriend's family? And does it allow for them to emotionally (whether subconsciously or consciously) create room for the new relationship?
     
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  2. the

    the Si master race.
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    It is, but not uncommon.
     
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  3. Soulfire

    Soulfire Community Member

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    I'm always a bit surprised when people ask for other's opinion on what's normal or not.

    What matters the most is how *you* feel in this situation :kissingheart:

    Chances are (and pls correct me of im wrong) that you are not comfortable with him having this type of relationship with his ex's family and are looking for ways to justify this type of situation.

    In all honesty, if you personally feel uncomfortable, it's best to open up to him and talk about it. It's okay to not feel okay about it. :snugglyhug:

    Always trust your gut...whatever your instincts are telling you, make sure to listen to them.
    ------
    So I ask you this, how do you feel about your boyfriend maintaining a close relationship with his ex's family?
     
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  4. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

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    As a principle, I was thinking the same thing, but I thought about it, and wondered if there was more to it than worrying about what others think. Not to bring MBTI in this, but I think it's the easiest for dom Fi users to say this. Fe users need external calibration. While I wouldn't use the word "normal", I think it's fine to ask "Is this (situation) okay?"
     
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  5. Soulfire

    Soulfire Community Member

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    I agree! And this is what these forums are all about. I hope i didnt come across as a bitch :coldsweat:

    I think its weird. I would personally not date a man who is very much involved with his ex's family. I feel like his past would interfeer too much with our present and our future. But this is different for everyone...this is only my personal opinion on the matter.
     
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  6. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Why is it necessary? How does the ex feel about a relationship with their parents continuing? Why not just cut ties and move on? Some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever.
     
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  7. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

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    To say that would be for me to say my past self of yesterday is a bitch. All I'm saying is that other people - even if they learn their own life lessons - just aren't built to think like you.

    On a logical level, you're right in the sense that it's not a good idea to be involved with someone like that. However, everyone has problems. What we don't know is how much their problems will be an issue for us. We're always weighing the pros and the cons. It could be the case that his involvement with his ex caused no issues at all. But we all see the obvious worst case scenario of jealousy and distrust, if not blatant cheating.
     
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  8. invisible

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    I think it's weird. But there is some excellent discussion on this thread that is a lot more sophisticated than my idea that it's simply weird.
     
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  9. James

    James Infamy, infamy.. they've all got it infamy
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    I'll guess this is your partner, and it makes you uncomfortable. I'll guess too, that you asked whether it's "normal" as if you feel it is, then you would feel less uneasy about it. I think the other posts are right that it's how it makes you feel that matters most. If the person had a long term relationship with someone and got on well with the family, I'm not too surprised.

    I can understand how it would make you feel 'weird' (if my guess is correct) and if it were me, I'd talk to my partner about it. They may not have realised.
     
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  10. Sinny

    Sinny Community Member

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    My ex's family became extended family to me in the end. That fact has never interfered with my relationships, largely because my ex is completely irrelevant to me.

    I was friends with my ex's mom and sister before me and him met and got together. We we're together for a year and it was a rather unhealthy and turbulent relationship. After we split, I still remained friends with his close and extended family, to the point that we are practically family.

    Anyway, that was like 7 years ago.
    He went down hill in life, and is pretty irrelevant to all of us.

    All depends on context I guess.

    Mostly, if you cut ties to the ex (for good), you tend to their family.
     
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  11. cvp12gh5

    cvp12gh5 What a lovely way to burn...

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    It depends on the circumstances. How new is your relationship?
     
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  12. highlighter

    highlighter Regular Poster

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    I dont buy it. thats like acting like your married when you are not.
    Say what you want. relationships are a negotiations with love mixed in. So say what you want and what you dont want like buying a car,

    who ever cares less ...wins.
    thats harsh, but it is what it is
     
  13. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

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    They win nothing. Unless you're a sociopath and you couldn't win anything anyway but sense of accomplishment.
     
  14. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Sounds like someone has had their heart broken a time or two...
     
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  15. ScotchandBoots

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    Just to clarify...I'm assuming that you and your SO are still dating and not yet married or living together? And it sounds from the context that there are no children involved. Because these factors could make a huge difference.

    As for myself, I confess that I can have a jealous streak when it comes to romantic relationships. When I was younger and still single, even a mention of my bf's (now husband's) exes would upset me badly. Looking back, I realize this was partly emotional immaturity on my part, and partly due to my INFJ-ness. INFJ's tend to fall in love hard and fast, do we not? Maybe too much for our own good. References to past flames felt like a threat to our relationship. I admit that too many times I let my insecurities get the better of me and it took me some time to work through it.

    (NOTE: Please don't think that I'm saying you're immature or insecure. These are my own experiences and how I felt at the time. But if what I'm sharing resonates with you in any way then I hope it helps.)

    As I got older I've learned that relationships can become messier and more complex over time. By the time you're over 30, it's nearly impossible to find a new SO who doesn't have a past of some kind. With any new relationship there will be not only be an ex but a whole web of connections to the ex's friends and family. If your new SO was previously married, the ties will be even stronger. And if your SO is co-parenting a child/children, then those ties to the ex's family will not only be strong, but should remain strong for the sake of the children involved. In this case it becomes even more important to learn how to navigate these relationships.

    Generally speaking, I believe it is possible for someone to maintain connections to a past SO and still have room in their heart and life for someone new. It can be tricky but it can be done.

    As for you and your boyfriend, as your relationship gets stronger it's possible that some of those old ties to his ex will fade away over time. Or not. But if he chooses to maintain these relationships, whether or not this can be successfully done depends on the how the two of you choose to handle the situation together.

    It's OK to feel insecure. Remember that emotions are not right or wrong, they simply are. What's important is how you react based on those feelings. It's equally important that he respects your feelings and makes the effort to make you feel show that, regardless of his past, you are still the most important person in his life.

    Trust, respect and communication are key. Because if those things don't in exist the relationship, that's what will lead to an eventual downfall whether it's this situation or a different one that will occur in the future.
     
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  16. l4sc5_

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    I don't think it's good form to maintain strong relationships with exes or people you had a spark/dated in most cases. Perhaps, it is different if it's someone who you were friends with before the relationship. Now, I am fully aware that two people can be mature, open-minded and evolve into a different phase of a relationship, but I think it overcomplicates situations with prospective and future partners and even the person who you are no longer with. I've seen it used to create jealousy, to have a backup plan and even worse.

    In my marriage, my ex-wife was best friends with her "first" and I was open-minded about. Like, it would be in the background, but I did my best to reject all of those negative feelings, quite well even. It was fine. Until like several years later near the end, and sure enough, the orbiter made a move eventually. No matter how progressive people think they are when it comes to these things, this stuff just lurks, and people being people don't just wipe the past clean like it didn't happen

    In other relationships, similar situations emerged. The "friend" just sits in the back, then when your relationship is on the rocks or breaks for a moment, guess who is there... that's right, you guessed it. It's like a giant charade. I've even had a woman who I considered my best woman friend make a move on me when her marriage was on the rocks

    It's even bit me in the butt before where I've had some loose-end friends sitting in the background who I would be tempted to conjure in-between relationships, and it actually hurt me from moving on completely to something new clear and free. And selfishly, it's mostly been to keep around fwb

    Also, in my experience, be weary of people who keep a lot of exes as friends. It's almost like they have a different mindset in a relationship where they will just assume that when they're done with you that you'll just end up a friend--no harm no foul. It's terrible and bullshit

    From my perspective, I feel much better being able to offer a prospective partner as little bullshit as possible. And I've had to ask myself: do I really need this person in my life? Like, really, what's the point

    Thankfully, I've been learning that I'm not too needy when it comes to people, and what's done is done
     
    #16 l4sc5_, Oct 22, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2019
  17. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    There is a balance here and both extremes are unhealthy. Jealousy and possessiveness are unhealthy. Isolation is unhealthy. Being too close to exes is unhealthy. In some cases, being too close to exes is a sign of narcissism, which is a term that should be used conservatively.
    -----

    I'm friendly with my last two exes (the two I had after graduating from high school) and keep in vague touch with a few from HS. We are not best buddies, only "friendly acquaintances" and we do not want more. That seems healthy to me. If my SO told me not to be friendly with them I'd consider that a red flag. Similarly, I am fine with hanging out with most of my SO's exes. He severed the friendship with the only one I ever had a problem with, but that was his choice.

    People form support networks where they need to, and with people they relate to, including exes and the families of exes. In many cases these bonds are healthy, and in some they are not. In healthy situations I would not deny a person their support network. I would confront any unhealthy behavior (of any type), but while remembering that it is still, ultimately, my SO's choice. In cases where there is a child involved, it is often healthy to maintain a relationship with the grandparents.

    Though @ClevelandINTP makes a good point, I wouldn't say it is just exes you need to look out for when the going gets tough in a relationship. I have a lot of male and female friends and I always have. Most of them are like brothers and sisters and completely reliable. When my marriage showed signs of trouble (at one point in the past) a lot of men who observed this came out of the woodwork and made moves. Vultures. Only one was a close friend. None were exes. Naturally, those acquaintanceships ended. It took a few years to repair the close friendship and we (all three of us) have new rules and boundaries for that friendship. Normally such a friendship would be dead, but the circumstances were forgivable. Had two of my exes from high school known my marriage was struggling they would have made moves, but I know that and keep my distance from them at all times.
     
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  18. Daustus

    Daustus Moon Boy

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    @ClevelandINTP This sounds like Doorslam Gate material. You've spent too much time with us. You're compromised. #Anti-Doorslam 2020 #Joking #PleaseUnderstandMyJoke

    I had to google this. It's a real word. Is there a thing as best acquaintance? I am going to make you formal social status change request forms to hand out to people.
     
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  19. l4sc5_

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    It's not really a doorslam, though. (a) The person didn't do anything wrong, (b) it's a prior romantic relationship with no prior basis for friendship, (c) if they really persisted on wanting to being a friend and why, i'd probably listen 500% (d) I make it real clear upfront in a relationship that I don't do friends and (e) I probably couldn't give them what they wanted anyways in terms of time, attention etc.
     
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  20. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Hmm. OK. I was going to use it whether it was or not because certain words should exist.

    OK. This works. I like my ducks in a row.
     
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