Should you have to prove your worth the one's you love?

[Gaze]

Some threads on the site inspired me ask this question:


To what extent should you have to prove your worth to the one's you love?


Should you have to prove your worth to the one's who love you?


What do you owe the person who loves you? What do they have a right to ask or expect of you?


Should it ok to change yourself to prove you're deserving of their love or committment?

 

[Gaze]

question added . . .

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I think it should go both ways (or neither way), otherwise you're in an imbalanced relationship which is susceptible to abuse.

 

[aeon]

To what extent should you have to prove your worth to the one's you love?

No extent whatsoever. There is no value in a person or thing. The worth comes from the context of the relationship between or among those people or things, in your example, the love itself.

Should you have to prove your worth to the one's who love you?

No, because 1) you can't, and 2) the value, or worth, is in the loving, not the person or thing so loved.

What do you owe the person who loves you?

Nothing whatsoever.

What do they have a right to ask or expect of you?

They can ask or expect as they like or so desire.

Should you ok to change yourself to prove you're deserving of their love or committment?

Do what you like or desire if you think it will meet your needs given your resources and the situation you are in.

People are neither worthwhile nor worthless. People are themselves. If we have a relationship with someone and both of our needs are (at least partially) met in that relationship, then great.

I don't think anyone deserves anything.


cheers,
Ian

 

[Peppermint]

In order for someone to come to love you, you must possess attributes that are appealing to them. It's "proving your worth" in a sense, because if you didn't have the attributes that appealed to the other person they wouldn't come to love you.

 

[the]

There are so many variables that the answer to your questions could be anything given the right context.

 

[Gaze]

In order for someone to come to love you, you must possess attributes that are appealing to them. It's "proving your worth" in a sense, because if you didn't have the attributes that appealed to the other person they wouldn't come to love you.

But if you love them and they love you, should they still have to prove themselves?

 

[just me]

People prove their love all the time, but I can't say because they were asked to. It is a joy to see someone walking the direction you feel they should.

As for abuse being the end result, I can see where it could lead to that; but, not always. Just trying to prove something can be abusive in itself.

I recall "The Prodigal Son" in the scriptures. Taken out of context and looked at by itself, there are translations abounding regarding this or that. Sidenote to say there were three consecutive stories all about finding something that was lost leading to joy, the last of which was a son. I see in the three the joy one has when finding that was lost. The prodigal son came back home and asked to be a servant, as his Father's servants were better off than he was. He had lived a life displeasing to his Father and had spent his inheritance. The simple act of asking for his inheritance must have crushed his Father. I know it bothers me when I hear of stories where people ask for things while their parents are alive. It is somewhat disrespectful in most cases.

Back to the story: the Father accepted his son back and called for a feast and celebration. The other son that had always been there for the Father could not believe it. The other son did not realize the Father had basically felt his son had been/was lost, and lost he was. The act of returning home and asking to be a servant was all the Father needed to see. I feel we see things we sometimes over-emphasize, yet have much more clarity when doing so in the long run. Using simple math, we add all these things together and understand better.

Watch out for the wolf in sheep's clothing.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

Should you have to prove your worth to the one's who love you?

I think it depends on the needs of your SO. I am understanding of a person's neediness, but I try to keep a balance so it doesn't get out of hand.

What do you owe the person who loves you? What do they have a right to ask or expect of you?

I think you owe that person love in return.
I tend to think that each relationship should have its own "contract" (or lack thereof). There's no one-size-fits-all.

For me, I tend to want my space...

Should you ok to change yourself to prove you're deserving of their love or committment?

Depends what you're changing. It's not necessarily right or wrong to change who you are, but in most cases, it isn't the right thing to do. I believe people are rather flexible, but on the flip side, each individual's personality is the result of many other aspects of their personality. Imagine it like building a million dollar house in the ghetto. The ghetto will prevail.

While suppressing your natural self can be a sign that you love someone enough, it can be too costly. When you're already in love, compromise is key, but it's a better idea to have chosen an ideal partner in the first place.

How much can one bend before they break?

 

[invisible]

i wish i knew the answers to these questions. sometimes it's like the more you think about love the more complicated it gets. the only coherent answer i can come up with is that relationships seem like a complex balance of acceptance and negotiation. my ideal is that a good relationship is founded on both open, fair negotations about what is and isn't acceptable or appropriate, balanced (must be a fine balance!) with acceptance of each other.

 

[just me]

quote "I don't think anyone deserves anything." unquote

Are your thoughts concerning only relationships? just curious

 

[Gaze]

quote "I don't think anyone deserves anything." unquote

Are your thoughts concerning only relationships? just curious

originally yes, but you can apply it in other situations.

 

[middle1]

Probably.

 

[abski83]

To what extent should you have to prove your worth to the one's you love?
I shouldn't have to prove anything, so none.

Should you have to prove your worth to the one's who love you?
No.

What do you owe the person who loves you? What do they have a right to ask or expect of you?
None. No, they don't.

Should it ok to change yourself to prove you're deserving of their love or committment?
No.

But if you love them and they love you, should they still have to prove themselves?
No.

For me, a loving relationship is one in which expressions of love are exchanged willingly.

A dynamic loving relationship will showcase a constant flow of loving acts between them.

 

[894tt3h9]

Some threads on the site inspired me ask this question:


To what extent should you have to prove your worth to the one's you love?


Should you have to prove your worth to the one's who love you?


What do you owe the person who loves you? What do they have a right to ask or expect of you?


Should it ok to change yourself to prove you're deserving of their love or committment?

I think I can sum this up pretty quickly. I don't feel any need to prove myself to anyone that I love, especially if they love me. I'm all about unconditional love, and as soon as there is a condition that I have to change in order to garner approval from someone, then I know there's a serious issue. I don't mind constructive criticism for bad habits and bad behaviours that I need to work on, but I am never going to change the core of who I am to please someone. They're not worth my time if that's what it's going to take.

 

[aeon]

quote "I don't think anyone deserves anything." unquote

Are your thoughts concerning only relationships? just curious

No, all situations. I think the combination of recognizing one's own and others' autonomy along with a needs-based view of human motivation and engagement and then a Non-Violent Communication style that chooses personal valuation as opposed to judgment (of others) has informed my thinking in this regard.


cheers,
Ian

 

[just me]

How about regarding judgment of actions?

If we tell people what they need and what they do not need, are we not judging?

 

[aeon]

How about regarding judgment of actions?

The action itself, or the consequences thereof?

My sense from NVC is that one can value (or not) an action and/or its consequences, but that judgment is one of value for oneself. To morally judge an action and/or its consequences, such that we apply said judgment to a person (other or ourselves) is considered a form of violence in NVC, inasmuch as it tends to interfere with the process of being heard and understood, and likewise listening and giving feedback to close the communication loop, for all sides.

If we tell people what they need and what they do not need, are we not judging?

In and of itself, no, but then again, how can anyone know what anyone needs, aside from asking oneself about one's own needs, or asking another about their needs and receiving feedback so as to know?

I don't think it is possible to know, aside from one's own person, what a human being needs and what they do not need, unless you are told by that human being what that human being's needs actually are.

Of course, you can tell people what you like as it concerns their needs. They can decide for themselves if what you say is true to their experience, and if they value being spoken to in such a fashion.

I know I wouldn't.


cheers,
Ian

 

[just me]

The action itself, or the consequences thereof?

My sense from NVC is that one can value (or not) an action and/or its consequences, but that judgment is one of value for oneself. To morally judge an action and/or its consequences, such that we apply said judgment to a person (other or ourselves) is considered a form of violence in NVC, inasmuch as it tends to interfere with the process of being heard and understood, and likewise listening and giving feedback to close the communication loop, for all sides.



In and of itself, no, but then again, how can anyone know what anyone needs, aside from asking oneself about one's own needs, or asking another about their needs and receiving feedback so as to know?

I don't think it is possible to know, aside from one's own person, what a human being needs and what they do not need, unless you are told by that human being what that human being's needs actually are.

Of course, you can tell people what you like as it concerns their needs. They can decide for themselves if what you say is true to their experience, and if they value being spoken to in such a fashion.

I know I wouldn't.


cheers,
Ian

Thank you for the input. I do not believe judging an action or consequence should be applied to a person; it most certainly can be. Not being familiar with NVC, I am more apt to be open to life experiences from the past as a guide to the way or ways I feel regarding this. I have found it very difficult to forgive someone that has caused me great harm purposefully, for example. If I can forgive the act, I can then look at the person as just another person with mere human frailties subject to making mistakes. Forgiving is of utmost importance to me, but I do believe in justice when these acts cause harm to others or show signs of repetition. It is the act, not the person, that caused me harm. When a person keeps causing harm to others, I have no problem with those seeking justice and possibly rehabilitation.

quote" how can anyone know what anyone needs" unquote. That phrase sums up my opinion except in specific situations concerning medical help and such. The last thing I want a government to do is to tell me I do not need something.

 

[Ria]

Some threads on the site inspired me ask this question:


To what extent should you have to prove your worth to the one's you love?


Should you have to prove your worth to the one's who love you?



What do you owe the person who loves you? What do they have a right to ask or expect of you?


Should it ok to change yourself to prove you're deserving of their love or committment?

-I would say that I have a responsibility to constantly work hard to maintain own sense of best health. The best gift you can give anyone or any relationship, is to be at your own best. You bring your world into a relationship; it may as well be a worthy sense of presence.



-Only with "consistency" with respect to what I stated above.



-That I take the best care of myself, and take full responsibility for my thoughts, words and deeds. To consistently think, speak and do everything with the highest sense of integrity for the greater good of all involved.


-Well, it would only make sense, if you yourself, felt it was worth you changing for yourself... not because another person requested it of you. It's only important to prove to yourself that you are deserving and worthy of the very best that is suitable for yourself, in your own life circumstances. If it suits someone else, then great, and if it does not suit someone, then it is their problem to deal with and take responsibility for. I suppose then, the truth will set you / them free.

[I have just thought of my responsibility to my children. I DO indeed, have a responsibility to LISTEN to them and ask for parenting feedback. I have a responsibility to consider their feelings about my parenting to a degree, if I can make any changes to help the family dynamics go more smoothly. I would obviously share my own thoughts and feelings with them too, and hope that they could do the same within their own capacity as children. So I suppose there are several variables to consider.].